Santa brought me cookies for Christmas. I did not eat them. I sold them on eBay.
May 9, 2003 11:13 AM   Subscribe

Santa brought me cookies for Christmas. I did not eat them. I sold them on eBay. Much like the Amazon reviews that were an artform to themselves, someone goes a little crazy with the ebay reviews.
posted by Salmonberry (20 comments total)
When I open boxes of cereal, you should be inside. Yes, you're THAT GOOD!

posted by Steve_at_Linnwood at 11:18 AM on May 9, 2003

Wow! This has to be the ROUNDEST coin I've EVER seen! Quite impressed. Thanks.

[This is good.] I hate the peer pressure to be so effusive in eBay praise, and this parodies that excellently... BUT ... having assumed that these were all left after actual transactions, I felt a little let down to infer from the responses that this person was just leaving unsolicited praise. It's still funny, and some of these have a Jack Handey-style inspired lunacy, but I'd already constructed an even more whacked-out reality...
posted by soyjoy at 11:29 AM on May 9, 2003

I like the targetting of Beckys (Beckies?) in the first dozen or so comments.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 11:41 AM on May 9, 2003

Praise: I like my cars like I like my women - fast and expensive! Then I leave them.
Response by 55chevy4 - WHO IS THIS GUY ????????

I love the responses.
posted by Salmonberry at 11:51 AM on May 9, 2003

i'm so confused... how can you leave feedback if you haven't participated in an auction...? none of those comments are tied to an item.
posted by t r a c y at 12:00 PM on May 9, 2003

I think the hilarity is a two way street at least.
posted by mikrophon at 12:11 PM on May 9, 2003

was impressed by your TECHNIQUE. You sell and I bid. Very KEEN. Have my baby.

Must clean soda spit off of monitor.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 12:14 PM on May 9, 2003

OK, I have to retract my previous complaining about how it's not as good as I had imagined. I've been laughing and laughing and laughing at these.

Scrumptious deal! Oooeee! Sell it to me again! Yeah! Can you fly a helicopter?

Pornography is bad because God will kill you and eat your bones. TERIFFIC SALE!
Response by bishop2 - I have not dealt with this person. Do not understand the "feedback."

See, here's the thing - a lot of them are not actually all that funny, but seeing them in the format of the eBay page makes for such a delicious contrast that even with some of the lamest, most juvenile (and borderline racist) examples, there's an extra kick because of the context.

Also, it's funny, in a mean way, to see them show up as the ONLY FEEDBACK for certain users (e.g. here and here).

Thanks so much for posting this, Salmonberry! You are BETTER than seeing k.d.lang in the NUDE!!!! A+++++!!!
posted by soyjoy at 12:22 PM on May 9, 2003

soyjoy, I am sorry, but it wasn't me. Pretty_Generic showed me the link and I posted it. It is he who is better than seeing k.d. lang in the NUDE!!!!
posted by Salmonberry at 12:36 PM on May 9, 2003

how can you leave feedback if you haven't participated in an auction...?

eBay only started tying feedback to particular auctions around 2000 (I think; I'm too lazy to find the date). These are all from 1999, back when you could give feedback to anyone at any time.
posted by arco at 12:38 PM on May 9, 2003

the lady speaketh sooth
posted by Pretty_Generic at 12:39 PM on May 9, 2003

how can you leave feedback if you haven't participated in an auction...?

The way the system used to work, you could leave feedback for anybody... note that his contents end around July 1999, presumably when Ebay changed its feedback policy.

Metafilter: WEARS CLOTHES SNUGLY. Reads at a COLLEGE level! Uses BALLPOINT pens!
posted by turaho at 12:39 PM on May 9, 2003

Yep, it seems like all kinds of commerce-oriented communication forums have been subject to Attempted Humor Abuse.

AHA: The wish-it-would-shut-up silent killer!
posted by wendell at 1:22 PM on May 9, 2003

Wait...Minneapolis doesn't exist? I lived there for three years and never knew!
posted by graventy at 1:30 PM on May 9, 2003

Say hello to Barbara for me. I've been watching her at night.

I would rather be SLAUGHTERED for BEEF than forbidden to bid on your ITEMS!

What's orange, brown, black, and red? Give up? They're COLORS, dipshit!

Did you ever see the movie YOU SUCK? I'm sure you have. You own it.

Good stuff. I always liked this guy.
posted by toothless joe at 2:40 PM on May 9, 2003

RE: the Amazon Henry Raddick youself a favor and check out his reviews if you haven't already. If you're like me, you have probably scrolled through the first ten pages or so...but you MUST perservere and keep going, because they get funnier and funnier and goddamned funnier.

Prison Slang: Words and Expressions Depicting Life Behind Bars by William K. Bentley, James M. Corbett

First rate - With my wayward brother George doing another spell in the jug this guide helped me learn all about prison argot. It gives me no pleasure to see him there behind the glass with his botched tattoo, looking all forlorn and grovelling for phone-cards, but at least I can now ask him whether he's yet been hammed by any of his wing's gravy hounds; which is a start.

posted by vito90 at 2:55 PM on May 9, 2003

Has a MYSTERIOUS TINGLY itch on lower left LEG. Otherwise, a SAINT!
posted by jacobsee at 3:09 PM on May 9, 2003

Ha, I found this through a friend a week ago, and I could not stop laughing.

I would like to shake your hand. I do not have any arms, though. I'm sad now.

posted by krazykity16 at 7:32 PM on May 9, 2003

I'm trying to decide whether this is more or less informative than the standardized "Great buyer! SUPER FAST PAYMENT! Highly recommended! A+++++++++++"

Tough call.
posted by Galvatron at 11:10 PM on May 9, 2003

Has INTEGRITY! Refuses to live on the MOON! Retains his SANITY!

Anyone who thinks poetry is dead should read this. A+++
posted by Ljubljana at 2:20 AM on May 10, 2003

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