Atheism and such
May 22, 2003 1:40 PM   Subscribe

If you find an atheist in your neighborhood, TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY! Or if that's no fun, how about some Christian Game Theory from theorist "Diamond" Jack Holgroth? Perhaps the classic Prisoners Dilemma?
posted by cohappy (37 comments total)
posted by folktrash at 1:48 PM on May 22, 2003

posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:48 PM on May 22, 2003

"This is our Internet, and we should exercise our position as its owners and as the guardians of civilization to stop its misuse."

*keels over to vomit, ends up laughing hysterically instead*
posted by quonsar at 1:55 PM on May 22, 2003

Oh I was so just going to post the landover shutdown link. Classic!
posted by jeblis at 1:58 PM on May 22, 2003

i love that douglas adams is an "anti-christian blackguard".
god, i miss that man.
posted by pikachulolita at 2:00 PM on May 22, 2003

"The forces of Secularism just keep trying. It would be comical if it weren't so dastardly."

This site is comedy gold!

Please tell me this is supposed to be comedy gold.
posted by Salmonberry at 2:01 PM on May 22, 2003

But, the well-reasoned Thermodynics of Hell argument, specifically this postulate:

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

clearly shows that Pascal's Wager matrix is incomplete and misleading. Just who referees this journal of Theological Game Theory?
posted by badstone at 2:04 PM on May 22, 2003

I keep looking for the "this is a parody" disclaimer. Anyone find one?
posted by jeblis at 2:05 PM on May 22, 2003

I never tire of the happy Christian/sad atheist cliche. Seems to me that crotchety old Mr. Gruff seems to have things figured out, still in his robe, drinking coffee on a Sunday morning. I think I've found a new hero.
posted by mikrophon at 2:09 PM on May 22, 2003

jeblis:I keep looking for the "this is a parody" disclaimer. Anyone find one?

I wasn't totally sure, but I think Crash's "Landover Shutdown" link settles it. Anything that takes the time to mention Landover Baptist is a part of the joke. Sort of like anything that mentions the Church of the Subgenius was most likely created by a member of the church, regardless of its stance on Bob, etc.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 2:11 PM on May 22, 2003


A'ight, it's 4:20, and I'm not selling woof tickts. Time to roll out.
posted by mikrophon at 2:16 PM on May 22, 2003

It has to be a parody. Please let it be a parody.
posted by urlnotfound at 2:16 PM on May 22, 2003

can signal Bible passages from memory in fluent semaphore.
Now that'll be useful once the heathen internet's shut down.
[this is good]
posted by punilux at 2:18 PM on May 22, 2003

I particularly like the profiles with the "Favorite Passage from Scripture" next to each individual (including "Diamond" Jack). Of course, while we get the book and verse, there isn't a hyperlink to indicate just what this passage is, let alone a quote right next to it that excerpts the passage. Terrible usability. Someone sic Jakob Neilsen on this group!
posted by ed at 2:24 PM on May 22, 2003

Zounds Abstinence Shorts Too bad I already *blew* my chance to wear these.
posted by jeblis at 2:25 PM on May 22, 2003

this article about "evolution" makes me cry inside.
posted by rhyax at 2:27 PM on May 22, 2003

I'm so pleased for ya
I'm so pleased
You have all the answers

--Jesus Jones
posted by ZenMasterThis at 2:32 PM on May 22, 2003

This page makes Baby Jesus cry.

Thanks for the links, Cohappy. So much fun.
posted by mikrophon at 2:45 PM on May 22, 2003

If you find an atheist in your neighborhood,
You may be moved to try and witness to these poor lost souls yourself, however
Atheists are often very grumpy and bitter and will lash out at children or they may even try to trick you into neglecting God's Word.
Very advanced witnessing techniques are needed for these grouches. Let the adults handle them.
Creation Science Fun Fact!

As a christian I have to cringe at this statement, it's beyond lame.
First MYOB, second, I don't think age matters in the maturity of the scripture one is able to digest, we're all equal.
posted by thomcatspike at 2:46 PM on May 22, 2003

. . . I and a group of fellow creation scientists mounted an expedition to the jungles of Africa to track down and bring back photographic evidence of a living dinosaur, thus proving that these Behemoths had indeed survived the Flood as scriptural analysis clearly indicates.

According to Po's description, the creature was 7 feet tall at the shoulders. It had a long, thin neck, between 8 and 10 feet in length, which supported a relatively small head that swept back and forth across the ground, munching weeds as it traveled. . . Po's initial scream of Oriental surprise had undoubtedly startled the beast . . . Unfortunately, Po didn't have the presence of mind to stop yelling and take his camera out.

And yet they got the photo!! Obvious proof of Creation Science. I might just have to let out a "scream of Oriental surprise!"
posted by donovan at 2:47 PM on May 22, 2003

Of course it's a parody you silly people.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 2:58 PM on May 22, 2003

Aaaaah, rumbled, I think. Check the dropdowns in the guestbook. Seems we may have to look elsewhere for salvation. I sincerely hope.
posted by punilux at 2:59 PM on May 22, 2003

Yes, it's a parody.

Check this:

Hands Off LB

This is apparently the homepage of Kyle Goldman, who *used* to run "Hands off Landover Baptist", but now runs "Hands off Lord's Blessings". He's also the Webmaster for Objective.

"Prayer Coach" for the Crusading Wildcats? Come the hell on.

This is a site competing with landover baptist, except instead of being snarky, they use "over the edge" type humor. CrossSpot seems to be a real Christian hosting solution. The link on here goes to, but and .com have the same registrar information, so they're not spoofing. This page, however out there, looks serious enough, and unfortunately, there are people that probably really do believe in/agree with it.

Therefore, it's just someone that has an account with the host (and too much money, apparently).

Man, I remember when I had useful things to do at work.
posted by qDot at 3:13 PM on May 22, 2003

I thought it was a parody, I mean, these little goodies in their cafepress shop, as cute as they are, surely aren't CHRISTIAN undergarments (especially in junior sizes for your witnessing child/teen!).
posted by chemgirl at 3:14 PM on May 22, 2003

Of course it's a parody you silly people.

If they are trying to be equivalent intentional mockery, they need to juice it up more. This is Sunday morning ZZZZ's.
posted by thomcatspike at 3:21 PM on May 22, 2003

It's (bad) parody. There are a couple of place names on the Zounds! page. Though there are several Marian counties, "Wilthrope" turns out to be a googlewhack, returning only the Zounds page. Maybe they should have picked "Springfield" as their town name.

The complete lack of place names elsewhere on the site is suspicious. Where the hell is Mt. Fellowship Baptist Church located? Where is "Fellowship University"?

A search on "Mt. Fellowship Baptist" returns only a page of links, mostly discussing whether the site is a parody.

The thing is, it isn't that funny. Maybe it's an in-joke among the Landover people.
posted by mr_roboto at 3:25 PM on May 22, 2003

The dinosaur hunting story I was so taken with (fell for?) includes a stirring subplot of betrayl on the part of Nigel Stubbingwicke, the professional tracker hired to guide our Creation Scientists through the deep dark jungle. No link is given for Stubbingwickebut a quick Google turns up this site. Stubbingwicke's resume briefly notes: "2002 - Led expedition into the Congo to examine rumour of living dinosaur. Found nothing but forest elephants."

Either an incredibly elaborate hoax or so off the hook we want to believe it to be one.
posted by donovan at 3:27 PM on May 22, 2003

argh, qDot beat me to it!

Do not miss the Apple story!
posted by MzB at 3:44 PM on May 22, 2003

The Stubbingwick site is certainly not serious; many of Nigel's adventures are just literary allusions (The Most Dangerous Game, Murders in the Rue Morgue, I'm half-recognizing a couple others) or references to joke cryptozoology ("rock octopods in the Cascades", panthers in Northumberland).

Elaborate, yes.
posted by mr_roboto at 3:45 PM on May 22, 2003

If you find a library in your neighborhood, TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY!
posted by skallas at 3:57 PM on May 22, 2003

Thank you roboto for confirming both my lack of literary depth and willingness to believe that just about anything is possible when it comes to the, uh, fervently faithly. ;-)
posted by donovan at 3:58 PM on May 22, 2003

posted by clavdivs at 4:44 PM on May 22, 2003

Any web site which, seemingly seriously, calls Joeseph Goebbels a "noted German Evolutionist" (scroll down to the third section), is probably a parody site.

At least, I would hope so.
posted by xbonesgt at 7:05 PM on May 22, 2003


Good thing too. Who could afford the premiums?
posted by konolia at 7:26 PM on May 22, 2003

posted by Pretty_Generic at 8:43 PM on May 22, 2003

I'm praying for Habu.
posted by Joeforking at 9:03 PM on May 22, 2003

"The core of the moon is essentially a large crystal of metallic iron... When it is struck by meteorites (or moon landers) it will reverberate for a period of time .. These devices recorded the impacts of meteorites as expected, but they also picked up a strange, persistent, low-frequency waveform. When the waveform was run through audio processing computers which sped it up and applied various filters to it, it was discovered to be an echoing voice. The voice was speaking in ancient Aramaic!

NASA has refused to release these recordings to the public ."

Do you think it's TRUE???
posted by Pericles at 1:39 AM on May 23, 2003

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