That's Dame to you, bucko.
July 7, 2003 9:50 AM   Subscribe

Buy your very own title! You too can become a Lord, a Lady, a Duke, a Duchess... except you really can't, according to the very annoyed Richard, 7th Earl of Bradford.
posted by headspace (23 comments total)
Oh, so sorry Richard. Sorry that we're not good enough to be in your little "Earl" club.

Whatever, I don't even want to be a stupid Earl. I'm awarding myself the title of 9th Universal Master of the Awesome Order of Rulers. No one else can have that title, especially current Earls, because I'm so important that I find it intolerable that anyone would try to fake being as cool as me.
posted by BigPicnic at 10:24 AM on July 7, 2003

You will all address me as Sultana salmonberry. You will all bring me tribute. And baubles. I will collect taxes in the Dominion of MeFi and you will all bow down before me.
posted by Salmonberry at 10:26 AM on July 7, 2003

There's an Earl of Bradford? Hmmm.

Yours etc,

Newly Disgruntled Bradford Resident
posted by vbfg at 10:27 AM on July 7, 2003

Whatever. As long as I'm still known as Jughead, Lord of the Dance.
posted by Jughead at 10:54 AM on July 7, 2003

I will hereafter be Sir Salmacis of Cyberspace.
posted by salmacis at 11:02 AM on July 7, 2003

count quonsar of meepzorp.
posted by quonsar at 11:18 AM on July 7, 2003

you gotta love it when an english lord pronounces someone a "scoundrel"... so historical soundin'

henceforth, i will known as Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars
posted by badzen at 11:28 AM on July 7, 2003

Can anyone else not read the Earl of Bradford's address without hearing this spoken in a clipped and soft-voweled English accent?

Perhaps this would help. Or this.

Bork Bork.
posted by namespan at 11:36 AM on July 7, 2003

[Bugs Bunny]So, ah, do you know Sir Duke of Ellington or Sir Count of Basie?[/Bugs Bunny]
posted by arto at 11:40 AM on July 7, 2003

Eaah... what's up, Duke?
posted by weston at 12:00 PM on July 7, 2003

BillSaysThis is honorific enough for this humble human. You bunch of snooty patooties!
posted by billsaysthis at 12:02 PM on July 7, 2003

Can I be an Atreides?
posted by signal at 12:03 PM on July 7, 2003

"Sir Osis of Liver."

Bugs Bunny rules...
posted by Jughead at 12:03 PM on July 7, 2003

Can anyone else not read the Earl of Bradford's address without hearing this spoken in a clipped and soft-voweled English accent?

If he is from Bradford lad thez beggar all chance of that.
posted by vbfg at 12:05 PM on July 7, 2003

"You can have your own king, your own emperor, your own pope, your own dukes, your own everything..."

--Marcus Garvey

I'd rather just refer to everyone else as "dude." Why buy a title when I can just ignore theirs? It's the American way, after all.
posted by tyro urge at 12:36 PM on July 7, 2003

Count Civil von Disobedient, a brackish, scurvy dog of a scoundrel that ever liv'd in this good towne of Bo§ton.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 1:21 PM on July 7, 2003

I am Mayor Curley, the Rascal King.
posted by Mayor Curley at 1:30 PM on July 7, 2003

what's funny is that rather a lot of the "legitimate" titles that Richard says "no-no you can't have," were bought/stolen/etc. back when Cromwell was up to his usual shenanigans.

i.e., so many of these titles actually derive from Scotland, and all it would take is a simple DNA test to show if the current less-than-Scottish holders are truly legitimate.

highly entertaining if all title holding peoples had to show their provenance once and for all.
posted by dorian at 1:33 PM on July 7, 2003

The only title that matters to me can no longer be obtained: Czar.
posted by weston at 1:47 PM on July 7, 2003


True enough, after a bit of genealogical research it was discovered I'm a direct line descendant from the former Duke of Annadale. Of course I've also trace back to sheep thieves and a witch killed in Salem, so what does it all mean?

If you dig enough in any tree and you're going to find royalty. A wholly unreasonable amount of people of European decent can trace their roots back to Charlemagne, does that mean we get to head over to France and start divying it up? I'd dare anyone to try and make sense of first borns and direct lines enough to try and stake a claim on any legitimate hereditary title.
posted by KnitWit at 1:54 PM on July 7, 2003

quite right, KW. by coincidence, I'd just been reading Vance's Domains of Koryphon where he makes the obvious statement to the effect that if you go back far enough, nearly all titles and land possession are the result of violence.

of course, in that story the issue is eventually resolved somewhat neatly, but where this leaves us in real life hundreds of years after, it's really hard to say.
posted by dorian at 2:18 PM on July 7, 2003

Actually, I don't want to go back far enough to find a title to try to claim - I'd settle for finding a legit coat of arms.

There is no such thing as a 'coat of arms for a surname'. Many people of the same surname will often be entitled to completely different coats of arms, and many of that surname will be entitled to no coat of arms. Coats of arms belong to individuals. For any person to have a right to a coat of arms they must either have had it granted to them or be descended in the legitimate male line from a person to whom arms were granted or confirmed in the past.
posted by dnash at 8:31 PM on July 7, 2003

I am your own Sublime Padishah Emperor, AC the IVth! mwahhaha
posted by ac at 9:28 PM on July 8, 2003

« Older The good guys.   |   Will French surrender to English? Newer »

This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments