October 30, 2003 8:50 AM   Subscribe

You're probably feeling safer today than you were a few days ago, and you know why? It's Protection from Porn week, direct from the White House. Spurred on from groups such as Morality in Media (who issued a jubilant press release to mark their achievement) you can finally feel safe now that you've gotten out from under pornography's thumb. (note: These links couldn't be any safer for work)
posted by mathowie (33 comments total)

The White House release is all cloaked in protecting children (the word "child" shows up 14 times in the White House release, and they mention the Amber Alert, I guess to connect the idea of kidnapping children with pornography), but the MiM people share their real vision:
The signers were united in this understanding: obscenity ('hardcore pornography') harms individuals of all ages, destroys marriages, and undermines the right of every American to live in a safe and decent society.
I never knew the right of every American to live in a safe and decent society trumped the right of Americans to do whatever they pleased that was not illegal.

Are we headed down a few slippery slopes? Are thoughtcrimes far behind?
posted by mathowie at 8:53 AM on October 30, 2003

Also, with this week's protection from pornography and the protection of marriage a couple weeks back, I've never felt more... protected than I do now.
posted by mathowie at 8:58 AM on October 30, 2003

When the kittens begin roaming the streets in hoardes, feasting on our children's tasty tendons, setting cars on fire, and stealing our socks in a catnip induced frenzy, don't say I didn't warn you.

Damn you President Bush! Why won't you think of the children?
posted by Ufez Jones at 8:58 AM on October 30, 2003

Woohoo! I knew I felt more secure and protected when I woke up this morning.

Now, how should I honor the week? ; )
posted by SisterHavana at 8:59 AM on October 30, 2003

I'm going to print out that press release and use it, since today is laundry day.
posted by vito90 at 9:02 AM on October 30, 2003

"I call upon public officials, law enforcement officers, parents, and all the people of the United States to observe this week with appropriate programs and activities."

Is masturbating to a Danni Ashe video considered appropriate?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:04 AM on October 30, 2003

Protection from Porn week

But that interferes with my Prevention of Prostate Cancer week, which is, um, every week.
posted by trondant at 9:08 AM on October 30, 2003

These moralists should definitely be taken seriously, if for no other reason, for their tenacity. They held in there for eleven long years, but finally, they managed to get Married With Children off the air. ;-P
posted by mischief at 9:09 AM on October 30, 2003

When's the War on Pornography coming to accompany the War on Terror, the War on Drugs and the War on the Constitution?

Thought crimes are very real for some people. I've had a couple of my co-workers tell me that certain thought or speech should be banned. They're also, oddly enough, anti-hate speech laws. So on the one hand speech they find questionable (and it's not just porn, it can be something as simple as an text that questions Christianity) isn't constitutionally protected but if you call for the death of homosexuals then it should be constitutionally protected.
posted by substrate at 9:13 AM on October 30, 2003

Actually - there is one thing there I can get behind. The press release links to a section about stopping porn spam. If I have to hear my dad recite the subject line about some porn spam he received one more time, I'm gonna lose it.

There is nothing more disconcerting then hearing your father say, "What's this? Jizz covered transvestites want my load now?"
posted by vito90 at 9:15 AM on October 30, 2003

While I agree that we shouldn't outlaw porn -- I'm a huge supporter of free speech -- I'd like it to be a little easier to avoid it. I'd like to be protected from it in as much as I'd like to at least be given the option of viewing it or not. As it is, it's quite frequently in my email or on some random pop-up ad. That isn't freedom of speech that's freedom of brainspace -- mine.
posted by woil at 9:16 AM on October 30, 2003

We have committed significant resources to the Department of Justice to intensify investigative and prosecutorial efforts to combat obscenity, child pornography, and child sexual exploi-ta-tion on the Internet.

How about protection from hyphens week?
posted by DragonBoy at 9:19 AM on October 30, 2003

In all my years on the internet, I cannot recall a single instance of when I involuntarily viewed porn, not even porn spam. It's fairly easy to pick out.
posted by mischief at 9:19 AM on October 30, 2003

Other ideas for the Bush White House:

Protection From Islam Week. Protection from Women's Reproductive Rights Week. Protection From Scary Brown People Who Don't Speak English Week. Protection from Civil Liberties Week. Protection from Corporate Responsibility Week. Protection from Employment Week. Protection from a Sane Domestic Policy Week.
posted by xmutex at 9:24 AM on October 30, 2003

But that interferes with my Prevention of Prostate Cancer week

trondon, that was last month. You should stop now.

I'd like it to be a little easier to avoid it. I'd like to be protected from it in as much as I'd like to at least be given the option of viewing it or not. As it is, it's quite frequently in my email or on some random pop-up ad.

My point in posting this thread is that I don't understand why we need protection from porn, since outside of the internet, it is pretty easy to avoid. Personally, I use a popup blocker and I don't go to sites that feature porn popups, as for spam I run multiple filters but I agree it's a pain and something we shouldn't be subjected to unwillingly, but spam is a separate issue that needs a lot of help.
posted by mathowie at 9:24 AM on October 30, 2003

Someone forgot to tell Miguel.

So, are you gonna turn him into Ashcroft, or shall I?
posted by crunchland at 9:25 AM on October 30, 2003

Porn spam should indeed be blocked, but you know what? It's not going to go away. Why not? Because some little twit keeps porn and penis enlargers from spam emails. If we all try hard enough I'm sure we can find the little pricks (sorry) and kill them. That'll stop it.

But porn in general? Give over. More porn. Give porn to kiddiewinks. They'll love it and they might actually learn more about sex than they did from "Fuzzy bunny's guide to you know what".

Oh, and for the record, my other browser window currently has a page I'm working on displayed in it. 12 different arses all smiling sweetly at me. Someone find me a new job!
posted by twine42 at 9:31 AM on October 30, 2003

Matt, that mathowie guy is moderating his own thread!!!!!

Yeah, I know, take it to MetaTalk. Screw it. I think I'll just watch the vid of Madonna and Britney kissing again, and marvel at the great victory scored by MIM.
posted by Wulfgar! at 9:34 AM on October 30, 2003

Hairy palms save lives!
posted by trondant at 9:36 AM on October 30, 2003

I protect myself from porn through the clever "know your enemy" strategy.
posted by soyjoy at 9:37 AM on October 30, 2003

I'd rather have Protection From Government :P
posted by Foosnark at 9:44 AM on October 30, 2003

Greencine just sent me an email saying they're now offering adult titles in their catalogue. I plan on protecting myself from porn by watching so much of it that my brain can't take anymore and I'll have to watch the 700 Club just to give it a break.

Protection from porn...Jebus. It's easy. Don't. Watch. Porn.

If you want to protect "the children," why don't you go after Chevron? Smith & Wesson? Dow? GE? Why don't you go out into the poorest parts of your community and sponsor a family that needs good food, good clothing, decent housing, and education? Why don't you do something real and concrete instead of keeping the rest of us from killing kittens?

(Must have coffee now...)
posted by RakDaddy at 9:47 AM on October 30, 2003

What a perfect week for fleshbot to launch.
posted by Hackworth at 10:00 AM on October 30, 2003

I just have to relate a little experience to my fellow MeFi´s…

As I write this I’m sitting in an internet café in the Mexican city of San Luis Potosi and I was just discussing how insane Bush’s proclamation is via instant messenger with a friend back in the states.

I said, “Well, I’m going to go throw myself in front of a city bus now, because life just is going to be down hill from here on.”

No sooner had I typed that than a big city bus rolled by the window with the letters “P O R N O” stuck on the side of it. (Mexicans are weird about putting English phrases on their cars & busses.)

So is God trying to tell me to kill myself, or that porn is okay?
posted by wfrgms at 10:44 AM on October 30, 2003

I woke up to the new reports saying "Julian surrounded by wildfires" and was, like, all freaked out, but I feel much better now.
posted by gottabefunky at 11:02 AM on October 30, 2003

Pornography needs sexual repression to have something to overcome (or claim to overcome); it requires taboos to be able to ruffle them: Pornographers and censors are the world's most interdependent coupling

-Laura Kipnis, in Slate today
posted by pitchblende at 11:19 AM on October 30, 2003

thanks pitchblende for the link. i only discovered laura kipnis recently, and i'm enamored with almost everything i find by her.
posted by ifjuly at 11:34 AM on October 30, 2003

I guess that means it's back to masturbating in the shower instead of in front of the computer...

I've never understood the psychotic aversion to porn some people have. Just about everyone's dad had a couple in the closet growing up, didn't they? I got caught reading Playboy at five (the articles really were engrossing). In sixth grade, I bought a couple of crates of skin mags at a garage sale and sold them at a profit. I still turned out ok. Geez.
posted by notsnot at 12:03 PM on October 30, 2003

Hey, man, that Clarence Thomas thing, I guess you watched that, eh? Boy, I tell you something, I learned something very important watching the Clarence Thomas hearings, you know what I learned? I don't stand a fucking chance. Don't even call the committee to order. It'd be a real short hearing.

Uh, Mistuh Hicks, are you familiah at all with a video series called 'Clam Lappers' Volumes One through Ninety?

All of them? I don't recall.

Uh-huh. Uh, Mistuh Hicks, are you familiah at all with a man named Manuel, who works at the Show World Adult Video Parlor?


Mista Hicks, dey subpoena me, dey subpoena me!

Boy, I tell you, after the Pee-wee Herman thing, and then after the Clarence Thomas hearings, pornography has gotten a really bad name in our country. And I'd like to state, for the record, right now - I love pornography. Love it. I have tapes that are pure fucking art, I'm telling ya. People fucking, sucking, every imaginable position, the finest looking women, fucking, sucking - I love it. For the record

Mistuh Hicks, thank you for your testimony. I don't know if we have a place for you right now on the Supreme Court-but, boy, you ever thought about becoming a Senator? C'mere, boy. Bring some of them tapes over here, lookit that-whooah. Bring them over Teddy's house, yeah, look at that there-oooh. She go to that like a duck to water, look at that there. How, how, how.

That is one of my big fears in life, that I'm gonna die, you know, and my parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment, find that porno wing I've been adding onto for years. There'll be two funerals that day.

I can see my mom going through my stuff.
Look, honey, here's Bill when he was a Cub scout. Look at how cute my baby is. His little short pants, his little hat. Look how cute my baby was. I wonder what's in this box over here. 'Rear Entry', Volumes One through Forty?!
Eeeeerrrr, CRASH! The only guy going through the gates of Heaven with his mom spanking him. Spank! Mom, they were on sale! Spank! Spank!
Someone named Manny called.
Oh, shit! Spank! Spank!

Bill Hicks
posted by matteo at 12:20 PM on October 30, 2003

Was at the Dallas AE Awards the other night, the Cali fires protected us from this guy coming.
posted by thomcatspike at 12:28 PM on October 30, 2003

Last year, I signed legislation creating the Dot Kids domain, a child-friendly zone on the Internet. The sites on this domain are monitored for content and safety, offering parents assurances that their children are learning in a healthy environment.

Can computers be a healthy environment for children a lone? A healthy environment for children is good basic supervision, an adult right there with them. Hope no one feels they can just freely let a child surf the net on any domain. For me Bush is giving a false comfort, we the government will baby-sit brain wash your child for you.
posted by thomcatspike at 12:38 PM on October 30, 2003

On behalf of the 120 leaders who co-signed Morality in Media’s letter to President Bush

What leaders?, they are presidents of organizations; leaders, thought other countries were backing this.
posted by thomcatspike at 12:45 PM on October 30, 2003

I can't wait to register www.goatse.kids!

Anyway, Bush is a Christian-Right-pandering dick. It's not really about protecting children from immorality — it's about serving the political agendas of a religious party. The faster he's out of office, the happier I'll be while i'm spanking it to my beloved Internet pornography.

And this, the same week that "No Child Left Behind" allows military recruiters are permitted back on high school and college campuses. So where's the outrage from these "morality" groups of the "debilitating effects on communities, marriages, families, and children" that the military inevitably creates?

So to recap: War: Healthy. Porn: Not Healthy.
posted by Down10 at 2:20 AM on October 31, 2003

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