Badass Test
May 21, 2004 2:47 AM   Subscribe

So You Think You're Fundamentally Badass, Do You? Well...*hearty guffaw*... take the test and think again, dude! ( That is, ass if I knew what badass or kickass or even ass itself meant...)
posted by MiguelCardoso (27 comments total)
Because we all know the true badasses sit around all day doing tests on the internet... Also: That's a lot of vertical whitespace (blackspace) to scroll through.
posted by fvw at 3:16 AM on May 21, 2004

"Measuring the immesurable"? Bless their little cotton socks. I'm not adverse to a personality test now and then, but this?

*shakes head*

(Okay, so I do have to declare a small interest ...)
posted by bwerdmuller at 3:40 AM on May 21, 2004

I'm guessing that all that blackspace is a mozilla thing. Happens to me on mefi once in a while when using the Moz.
posted by jaded at 4:03 AM on May 21, 2004

It's actually a CSS thing; happens a lot in Internet Explorer too, although in different circumstances. Things just get squeezed down to the bottom when there isn't enough room.
posted by bwerdmuller at 4:24 AM on May 21, 2004

It appears that many of these questions are actually asking if the taker is a vampire. One man's badass, another man's vampire.
posted by jjray at 5:21 AM on May 21, 2004

Vampires are badass.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:23 AM on May 21, 2004

All I know is this: the quiz said I am a Pimp, so a Pimp I shall be.
posted by grabbingsand at 5:55 AM on May 21, 2004

Badassity - The state of being badass

shouldn't that be "badassdom"?
posted by matteo at 6:13 AM on May 21, 2004

see also BA (as in BA Baraccus Mr T's A-Team character)

Um, if that's the baseline for badassity...
posted by GhostintheMachine at 7:01 AM on May 21, 2004

I'm thinking this is built around the profile of DC character Lobo, for what that's worth.
posted by cortex at 8:15 AM on May 21, 2004

I thought the BA stood for "Bad Attitude." Did Stephen J Cannell lie to me?
posted by Jart at 8:17 AM on May 21, 2004


by total coincidence
posted by xiffix at 8:36 AM on May 21, 2004

According to to NPR this morning, today is Mr T's birthday. Coincidence?
posted by faceonmars at 8:55 AM on May 21, 2004

It didn't even mention owning a motorcycle. Something like this:
  • Do you own a motorcycle? (20 pts)
    • a Harley (50 pts)
    • other cruiser (40 pts)
    • a crotch rocket (-50 pts)
    • Triumph, Indian, Greeves, Norton, or other obscure antique (500 pts)
    • '52 Vincent Black Lightning (2000 pts)
    • ride it to work (15pts)
      • every day (10 pts)
      • even when it's raining (80 pts)
      • when its snowing (200 pts)
    • rebuild your own carbs (100 pts)

      • while smoking cigars (200 pts)

Well, at least it makes me feel like a badass.
posted by leapfrog at 9:14 AM on May 21, 2004

Badass Factor: 17
Ranking: Tard
Description: Heh, wuss.

Seems pretty accurate to me.
posted by blm at 9:17 AM on May 21, 2004

Amazingly, I made it to 2nd Level Badass, even without the motorcycle-riding points (which would add me another 375, even with the -50 because my bike is a Honda 919... I have actually rebuilt a carb and smoked a cigar at the same time, strangely enough), largely due to my inability to die and abilities to ignore major physical injury and bone breakage... handy skills to have if you're a motorcyclist, by the way. :)

It also seems to be a bit sparse on weapons-ownership and -wielding questions, with only two related:

#28: Can pull a grenade pin/ripcord with their teeth;
(don't try it on a grenade, kids, or your dentist will be very very happy) and

#29: Can shoot a high-caliber firearm with one hand?

I mean really, I think badassery requires a bit more in-depth detail on the weapons angle... like something about how ACCURATE you are with the high-caliber firearm. Just about anyone can fire a Desert Eagle .50 or a sawed-off double barrel 12 ga. with one hand (tho it might knock you over if you're a wuss), but we all know that a true badass is capable of HITTING things when firing such cannons one-handed. (Mind you, I'm not claiming that level of skill, heh).

Shouldn't there be a question about "OWNS a knife that most governments would call a broadsword" subbed with "Can throw it with lethal accuracy when swinging across a deep chasm using a bullwhip?"

Hardly a complete test, IMO.

See ya on the asphalt, leapfrog! And happy birthday, Mr T.!
posted by zoogleplex at 10:30 AM on May 21, 2004

leapfrog, why would owning a two wheel sled like a Harley make you more of a badass than owning a motorcycle that can actually go faster than a car?

Oh wait, because you've got a Harley? Oh that makes total sense then.

I'll try to remember to wave as I pass you on the highway, like all the other slow ass Harleys on the road.
posted by fenriq at 10:40 AM on May 21, 2004

posted by zoogleplex at 10:50 AM on May 21, 2004

A 167 here. Not too shabby. Good thing they didn't ask about the adult diapers or the random drooling...
posted by Samizdata at 12:13 PM on May 21, 2004

I don't own a Harley. Mine fits under "other metric cruiser," and does 120 quite easily, with room to spare(Kaw Vulcan 500, same motor as the Ninja -- and although I know it could, I never wanted to go any faster than 120).
Fact of the matter is that raw speed has nothing on style when it comes to being a badass. To be honest, I don't even care much for riding Harleys and I will probably never buy one. (the ride is too uncomfortable, the power band is too low, and the price tag is entirely too high) To fit into the "badass" stereotype/concept, though, nothing else seems to fit. Claiming that a ZX-12R makes you a badass is kind of like saying the same about driving a highly tuned Civic to work in the morning. Really, would Ahrnold in T2 have looked like a badass riding a rice rocket? No. (Maybe on a Vulcan Mean Streak, but that's another argument entirely.)
There is some merit to the argument that Harleys have lost the image due to the yuppie crowd buying in, and that nothing short of a Triumph counts for anything anymore. Perhaps I was a bit too harsh about the crotch rocket factor, as any variety of two-wheeled conveyance implies some sort of fortitude not present in the average driver. Of course, I certainly hope everyone can agree that riding a Dodge Tomahawk elevates one beyond any measure of badass-ness.
posted by leapfrog at 3:17 PM on May 21, 2004

Yes, if you've got the balls and flexibility to get on a Tomahawk then you go right to the head of the badassclass.

As for rice rockets not qualifying. I disagree (hey, surprise, surprise, I ride one!) but not because my bike is fast. Its how I ride it that I think they can qualify. Anyone willing to ride a motorcycle in rush hour traffic regularly, split lanes and all the other myriad joys deserves some extra measure of badass.

A ZX-12R and a tuned Honda Civic? Kind of a weak comparison. A ZX is a purpose built rocket bike. A Civic is a purpose built low end people mover that someone strapped gaudy crap on to and put a nitrous system on. It'll go like a rocket in a straight line but the ZX can carve canyon roads up like no car ever could.

I don't like Harleys for many of the same reasons you mention. And the superiority complex of anyone who rides them doesn't help their cause. I wave or acknowledge every other kind of biker out on the roads but never Harley guys, why? because they never acknowledge me on my bike. So screw 'em! I hope they like how my tail light looks.
posted by fenriq at 4:13 PM on May 21, 2004

Being a motorcycle commuter and habitual lane-splitter (it's the only way to get anywhere in Los Angeles during daylight hours in less than 20 minutes - and legal in CA to boot, woo hoo!) I say, hear hear, fenriq!!!

Does owning a '67 Camaro RS/SS count? I should think I get 50 points more for that, and maybe 100 more for actually working on it myself...

In leapfrog's favor, I must agree with the '52 Vincent being worth 2000 points, and would like to add the '36 Indian Scout also at 2000 points. Also anyone who's ever ridden one of those old Norton or BSA 650 Manx TT twins off road. Talk about a kidney relocator...
posted by zoogleplex at 4:33 PM on May 21, 2004

Sorry, crotch rockets will never rank higher than Harley's on the badass scale. That's like saying rice-mobiles with huge wings and "MUGEN POWER" stickers on the windshield make their owners more badass than a '67 Mustang Fastback. Which is patently absurd. Of course, a true badass doesn't need wheels... he just struts from place to place.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:24 PM on May 21, 2004

Fucking dentists ride Harleys these days. Trucked into Sturgess on a trailer for the weekend.

I've known a few old schoolers, and a few of them rode Harleys, but these days it's a freakin' fashion statement. Emphatically not badass.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:51 PM on May 21, 2004

Psst, motorcycles don't make you a badass. The general perception that they do make you a badass has led to a lot of non-badasses buying motorcycles, thus weakening the corrollation. It's the same principles that applies in the "BMW = Rich" fallacy. The "badass motorcyclist" category has shrunken such that now it only includes people who can build motorcycles themselves. You know, those guys on the Discovery Channel?

In fact, when I see a motorcyclist on the highway, my first thought is always, "damn, I've got a Kia Sephia, and even I could kill you with a slight nudge of my front end."


(187 points here. I think I should get more points for driving a car that could kill me at any moment)
posted by Hildago at 10:01 AM on May 22, 2004

That is, if motorcycles get more points for being dangerous, KIA Sephias should get like.. a x3 multiplier effect.
posted by Hildago at 10:05 AM on May 22, 2004

Perhaps there should be an employment modifier as well.

Are you...
...a gardener? -1200 points
...a dentist? -1000 points
...a lawyer? -800 points
...unemployed? +0 points
...a fishmonger? +100 points
...a mercenary? +500 points

posted by Civil_Disobedient at 12:02 PM on May 22, 2004

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