Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if it weren't for women, my thing would rust.
August 17, 2004 7:22 AM   Subscribe

 
Exactly what I need, thanks!
posted by Pretty_Generic at 7:25 AM on August 17, 2004


" I'd like to take you home to meet my mother."

I've had much success using this as a pickup line. Lookout ladies!
posted by rocketman at 7:25 AM on August 17, 2004


Only use this if you "like like" them, and not just "like" them.
posted by kickerofelves at 7:25 AM on August 17, 2004


None of these have worked for me, and I've tried them all. Perhaps I should try them while not wearing a chicken suit.
posted by sciurus at 7:30 AM on August 17, 2004


Oh, and my favorite pickup line is: 'That skirt looks quite becoming on you and if I were on you I'd be coming too.'
posted by sciurus at 7:32 AM on August 17, 2004


Lots of glaring omissions:

- get her number; call her while blind drunk

- kidnap her dog/cat

- write "If I can't have you, no one can" on her car in your own blood
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:34 AM on August 17, 2004




Hey, I'm not a rapist, but if I was I'd molest you.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 7:34 AM on August 17, 2004


I would totally fall for this: "I'm looking for an opening line - do you have any suggestions?"

metapickup
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:38 AM on August 17, 2004


When are you going to let me up in them guts?

I do like the gin and platonic/scotch and sofa one. I may have to test that one out.
posted by emelenjr at 7:38 AM on August 17, 2004


how about the oldie yet goldie; "I've got a STD, wanna dance?"
posted by johnnyboy at 7:40 AM on August 17, 2004


As if the entire thread isn't warning enough, I should have mentioned that the above link is probably NSFW.
posted by emelenjr at 7:41 AM on August 17, 2004


What, the usual "Do you like me? Circle Yes Or No" note doesn't work?
posted by Katemonkey at 7:57 AM on August 17, 2004


I wish I'd have known about this stuff in High School. "Lay down, I'll sit on you" didn't work so good.
posted by chicobangs at 8:02 AM on August 17, 2004


What about staring at the floor and digging your toe in the dirt? Always worked for me....
posted by spilon at 8:16 AM on August 17, 2004


"I'd like to take you home to meet my mother."

"I... watch over the house... while the Master is away."

Do do doooo do do do doooo do....
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 8:17 AM on August 17, 2004


emelenjr's link saves the thread. News at 11. (AM)
posted by psychotic_venom at 8:33 AM on August 17, 2004


"Nice shoes. Wanna Fuck?"
posted by ChasFile at 8:48 AM on August 17, 2004


"Nice shoes. Want to fuck?" will always have a special place in my heart, but I think the funniest one I ever encountered was at a friend of a friend's house two summers ago:

"It's really hot. Would you mind if I take off my pants?"

...

on preview: jinx ChasFile!
posted by romakimmy at 8:49 AM on August 17, 2004


"Excuse me. I just dropped my Congressional Medal of Honor. Would you mind if I looked under your table?"

What?
posted by the fire you left me at 8:52 AM on August 17, 2004


"Where do you want it?"
posted by alphanerd at 9:13 AM on August 17, 2004


The truly lame part are the submissions from women trying to get a guy's attention. "Can I bum a cig? Why, thank you. I don't smoke, but I wanted something of yours in my mouth!" Ha, ha! That's so funny! Let's go have sex now.

As if you even need to say anything.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:35 AM on August 17, 2004


One of the stores I worked at had a contest re: pickup lines. One customer shared this gem: "Well isn't that the prettiest face I could hope to come across."

Standing in line at the grocery store last night--buying polysporin for a shredded forearm which was exposed and looks gruesome--a woman gave me her number "in case you need someone to help you smear that on." I'm trying to decide whether this makes her Mother Theresa or if she is trying to expose me to a new, up and coming fetish.
posted by dobbs at 9:41 AM on August 17, 2004


Where does one go to find "up and coming fetishes," anyway? Is there some hip magazine for the cutting-edge fetish-of-the-week type? Or is it more speculative, like the Fetish Futures Market or something?

Oh, and: "Now that's the kind of shape I'd like to get into."
posted by chicobangs at 9:52 AM on August 17, 2004


"You got a name, beautiful, or just herpes??"
posted by woj at 10:06 AM on August 17, 2004


As Dan Jenkins once wrote, "Wanna go back to my hotel room? I'll pour liquor down your throat and set fire to the drapes."
posted by Vidiot at 10:18 AM on August 17, 2004


Christopher Walken on SNL: "My face is leaving town in five minutes. Be on it."
posted by putzface_dickman at 10:20 AM on August 17, 2004


True pickup line dealt me by a young lady in a club (I have witnesses):

"You know why I like guitar players? Because you all have nice dicks!"

Too bad she was only about 15 years old - all ages night, rock club, western New Jersey, 1987. Um, thanks honey, does your mom know you're out this late? Bye now.

Those were the days...
posted by zoogleplex at 10:50 AM on August 17, 2004


"Were both your parents retarded? Because you seem like a special girl to me" has always been one of my favourites. So tasteless, yet so good.
posted by fizz-ed at 10:57 AM on August 17, 2004


The most memorable one ever used on me was:

"Wow, you must drink a lot of milk!"
posted by orange swan at 11:06 AM on August 17, 2004


Quite a few years ago myself and some friends met a girl in a club who was wearing a white t-shirt with lots of coloured circles on it. She was overly blessed in the mammary section and one of my cohorts used the great line -

"Twister! Cool, can I play?"

I was always fond of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore's technique which was to stand in the corner of the nightclub holding your penis and crying...
posted by longbaugh at 11:12 AM on August 17, 2004


Don't you guys ever listen? A guy can make tremendous progress acting interested in stories about a girl's cat (she acknowleged, sighing heavily).

"[T]o draw attention from your target to you" is a failure waiting to happen - there is much more to selling her than pitching yourself. (Because of course this is never about just declaring your feelings.) Success requires more than "to stir." In involves eliciting enough information that you can convince her you care about her personally (which might even be true). That's why Speed Seduction is so disturbing. Usual disclaimers about gender roles and stereotypical behaviors apply. I neither prescribe nor condone.

Hmm, a guy down the hall just stopped by and mentioned that he has chocolate and Luna bars in his cube. I'll be right back.
posted by caitlinb at 12:59 PM on August 17, 2004


Got any Irish in you? Want some?
posted by COBRA! at 1:02 PM on August 17, 2004


Waitwaitwaitwait. Did you say you had a cat?

I ADORE cats!


(especially deep-fried with grits on the side.
mmmmm, grits.)

posted by chicobangs at 1:27 PM on August 17, 2004


If someone asks why you want to go out with them, respond: "Because the alternative is unthinkable."

That's my favorite. But then, the personal ad via which I met my wife read "Every time you answer someone else's ad, God kills a kitten."
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:28 PM on August 17, 2004


Here's one of my greatest moments:
Me: Hi, haven't I seen you around school? I'm [my name]
Girl: [big smile] Yeah, I've noticed you! My name is [so-and-so].
Me: [total blank... grimace, turn and walk away.]
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:40 PM on August 17, 2004


I like the "anti-line" approach. Walk up to her at the bar, don't smile, make cold, cold eye contact:

"I may not be the cutest guy in this bar, but I'm the only one talking to you."
posted by elwoodwiles at 1:59 PM on August 17, 2004


This one worked for my now-husband: "Want a back-rub?," followed soon after by "Don't get grossed out, but I'm going to suck on your fingers now." If you live on the West Coast these might work for you, too!
posted by arielmeadow at 2:07 PM on August 17, 2004


Wiles, that's got to be the liniest anti-line in the history of lines.

Besides, this thread is supposed to be about people you really (and I'm quoting here) like like, instead of strangers you merely want to schtup on sight.
posted by chicobangs at 2:14 PM on August 17, 2004


OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GODS OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I HIT THE JACKPOT
posted by Keyser Soze at 3:22 PM on August 17, 2004



Here's one of my greatest moments:
Me: Hi, haven't I seen you around school? I'm [my name]
Girl: [big smile] Yeah, I've noticed you! My name is [so-and-so].
Me: [total blank... grimace, turn and walk away.]


Surely what my interaction with Beautiful Durkheim Girl would have amounted to, had I ever in fact interacted with her.
posted by kenko at 4:37 PM on August 17, 2004


fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name gertrude?
posted by krunk at 5:06 PM on August 17, 2004


I've been looking for someone to concentrate all my attention upon, and with you that'd be easy."


Ugh...(picture me chilled)...Stalker Alert!

A simple, "You are so intriguing to me," would work-- after all who doesn't want to be intriguing?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:19 PM on August 17, 2004


Don't you guys ever listen? A guy can make tremendous progress acting interested in stories about a girl's cat (she acknowleged, sighing heavily).

This is so true!
posted by onlyconnect at 6:51 PM on August 17, 2004


I like you!
posted by mcsweetie at 7:22 PM on August 17, 2004



"[T]o draw attention from your target to you" is a failure waiting to happen - there is much more to selling her than pitching yourself. (Because of course this is never about just declaring your feelings.) Success requires more than "to stir." In involves eliciting enough information that you can convince her you care about her personally (which might even be true). That's why Speed Seduction is so disturbing.


Not too long ago, I interviewed an (sub) b-grade actor shortly after he had discovered Speed Seduction. He kept trying to get me hooked on it too - claimed that he's slept with at least one woman a week and experienced his first three-way, all thanks to Speed Seduction.
posted by fizz-ed at 7:33 PM on August 17, 2004


1. Both be drunk
2. Say, "I bet you £1 I can make your breasts move without touching them"
3. Jiggle the boobies (with your hands, stoopid)
4. Say, "that was well worth £1. Here!, heheheh"
5. Profit![1]

[1] not literally

posted by bonaldi at 7:55 PM on August 17, 2004


I love how "Be Sincere" is rule #1, as if it were a to-do item, something you could work and strain and try hard to ultimately get right.

I think it's more like rule #0. If you don't sincerely like someone, what the hell are we talking about, here?
posted by scarabic at 9:59 PM on August 17, 2004


scarabic--

Sincerely liking someone does not imply knowing a valid path that leads to even a potential establishment of mutual interest. "Be Sincere" is about as great advice as "Be yourself" -- it sort of glosses over those inconvenient details like what the hell that means.

http://www.fried.com/pics/dategames.gif is a good illustration.
posted by effugas at 12:32 AM on August 18, 2004


this is the kind of website that creates kids like neil from freaks & geeks.
posted by pikachulolita at 2:04 AM on August 18, 2004


my friend kevin made several ladies laugh, by introducing himself with the following riddle:

"what winks and fucks like a tiger?"
s l o w w i n k
posted by jann at 10:07 AM on August 18, 2004


Don't forget the ultimate pick up line:

"Hi, my name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."
posted by orange swan at 8:40 AM on August 20, 2004


Why Miz swan -- uh, "George," I'd love to go to the comics convention with you!

Let me put my teeth in and I'll be right down.
posted by chicobangs at 9:24 AM on August 20, 2004


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