Step 7: Make it long

August 26, 2004 11:50 AM

How to write a best-selling fantasy novel. Ten steps towards instant literary fame.
posted by Robot Johnny (30 comments total)

Reminds me of Diana Wynne Jones' The Tough Guide to Fantasyland, though her's is funnier.
posted by kayjay at 12:06 PM on August 26, 2004

Christ. So much for making use of the preview. "hers is funnier".
posted by kayjay at 12:07 PM on August 26, 2004

"...and no one in Epic Fantasy Novels ever has sex."

So what were Bink and Wynne doing in that first Xanth book by Piers Anthony, huh? Summoning the stork?
posted by brownpau at 12:15 PM on August 26, 2004

Poor old Ian McFadyen. He sounds incredibly bitter. Careers in Australian TV do seem to have that effect...
posted by rdc at 12:22 PM on August 26, 2004

Oh my god, brownpau, I can't believe you just said that. I just finished re-reading that book for the first time in 20 years. Bizarre, I tell you!
posted by PigAlien at 12:25 PM on August 26, 2004

yeah, i remember lots of sex in the fantasy books i read (including the Xanth books). also, the best of them weren't that long.

this critique seems more specifically pointed at LOTR.

Every since "The Lord of the Rings", epic fantasy novels have been high on the bestseller list.

no i don't think so (but i couldn't find an Australian best-seller list to back me up). since 1955?!
posted by mrgrimm at 12:36 PM on August 26, 2004

Another book by Michael "Junk Science" Crichton!? :-)
posted by nofundy at 12:39 PM on August 26, 2004

Didn't they only boink as basilisks after Trent zapped them?

Holy crap, I think I just became a Born Again Virgin!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:47 PM on August 26, 2004

The Xanth series started out with very subtle (as far as modern literature goes) references to sex. However, they deteriorated after a few books to references about calling storks. That was a bit too silly even for my prudish 15 year old mind at the time.
posted by Alison at 12:58 PM on August 26, 2004

I am going to make so much money being a writer, thanks to this guide. Writers are always rolling in cash, right? ..Right?
posted by kindle at 1:09 PM on August 26, 2004

Not to derail too much, but sex in fantasy literature (being a little generous here) has hardly been taboo, as mr.grimm said. Try Jack L. Chalker for example - not prOn but fairly explicit and a weird focus on, ummm, certain anatomical dimensions. And he's certainly not alone.
posted by elendil71 at 1:17 PM on August 26, 2004

Cross this with the Snowflake Method and I think we are really onto something.
posted by ilsa at 1:41 PM on August 26, 2004

Try Jack L. Chalker for example - not prOn but fairly explicit and a weird focus on, ummm, certain anatomical dimensions.

Not pr0n, no, but explicit in a way that makes you think Chalker has some serious childhood issues about which he needs to sit down and just ponder for a while.

this critique seems more specifically pointed at LOTR.

Ehhhhh, I would say it's pointed toward the Robert Jordans of this world than Tolkien. JRR was an original.
posted by thanotopsis at 2:00 PM on August 26, 2004

hey, that snowflake method isn't bad (cheesy metaphor, but good points). it won't work for everyone, but i think his design advice is good.
posted by mrgrimm at 2:16 PM on August 26, 2004

Wasn't there a Sci-Fi version that was very similar, I seem to remember reading it recently (linked from here maybe?). It was a guide for people who want to submit episodes to some serial, Babylon 5 perhaps. There was a lot of "oh, yea, we've seen that before" in it.
posted by milovoo at 2:17 PM on August 26, 2004

I thought that step #1 would be:

"Pick your favorite animal, make it both intelligent and telepathic."
posted by KirkJobSluder at 2:23 PM on August 26, 2004

The first six or so of those pretty much perfectly describe the first film I ever wrote.
posted by Orange Goblin at 2:30 PM on August 26, 2004

The Universal Walkthrough on this site is also amusing. "Suitable for all computer games."
posted by Voivod at 2:33 PM on August 26, 2004

(sounds like Star Trek or something. the vast majority of the Babylon 5 episodes were written by the same guy.)
posted by neckro23 at 2:59 PM on August 26, 2004

(sounds like Star Trek or something. the vast majority of the Babylon 5 episodes were written by the same guy.)

Hmm, OK, I'm still looking for it, but this is interesting,

The Grand List of Overused Science Fiction Clichés
posted by milovoo at 3:46 PM on August 26, 2004

*kaibutsu takes inverse advice from the list and begins writing his soon-to-be bestseller fantasy novel about feminist pincesses involved in bitter class-warfare in a world with a working economy.*

It's gonna be huge with the under-15 set, I garauntee it.
posted by kaibutsu at 4:13 PM on August 26, 2004

Dramatica -- narrative on autopilot.
posted by solistrato at 4:44 PM on August 26, 2004

I thought that step #1 would be:

"Pick your favorite animal, make it both intelligent and telepathic."

That's the Dean R. Koontz method.

1 Telepathic Animal + 1 Monster (also telepathic) + 1 Single Man + 1 Single Woman + 1 Child, Orphan
posted by iamck at 4:49 PM on August 26, 2004

China Mieville's novels apparently have well-fleshed-out economies.
posted by kenko at 4:59 PM on August 26, 2004

Skinny people are wily and intelligent, big strong bear-like people are invariably dumb.

One of the characters I liked most from Saberhagen's sword books was Ben -- precisely because Saberhagen made him big and dumb and slow looking, but deceptively so. :)

Chalker has some serious childhood issues about which he needs to sit down and just ponder for a while.

Or perhaps write lyrics for Blur.
posted by weston at 5:22 PM on August 26, 2004

Following young Altathrand's defeat of the Dark Throne of Yendor, the forces of darkness dispersed, fleeing to the three corners of the world. And while the Rotak council was certainly glad to be free of the impending menace of the Orkish hordes, they now had an entirely different beast to deal with: Millions of unemployed Orks who had found their way across the borders and into the city streets.

Now, the usual approach to such a problem is genocidal: Have the city guard kill (or at least throw out on their ugly green ears) any and all subhumans found roaming the streets. But the Principle Magistrate ran into a particularly flummoxing dillema when a number of the city business leaders appeared behind closed doors to beg for an alteration of this policy. Apparently, one of the major shipping lines had begun undercutting the costs of their competitors by employing cheap (and, thanks to their incredible strength, very effective) Orkish labor in the ships. These business leaders wanted also to employ Orkish labor, but without worrying about ship searches, etc.

And so begins the tale of Kreglar, the head of the first Orkish Labor Union...
posted by kaibutsu at 6:10 PM on August 26, 2004

Interesting inversions of many of these cliches can be found in The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, in which the hero, a severly depressed leper transported from "our world," remains convinced for a surprisingly long time that he is having a bad dream, and refuses to follow all the painfully obvious fantasy tropes that show any fantasy reader what *ought* to be happening. (The key magic object that can save the Land is his wedding ring, but he won't use it because his wife left him recently.) And yet, it's a painfully serious story.
posted by bingo at 6:49 PM on August 26, 2004

bingo - that's exactly what I thought of when I read the post. plus the guy is a total a-hole, doesn't the story start with him raping someone when he arrives?
posted by iamck at 7:05 PM on August 26, 2004

…Even as a wee orkling, Kreglar knew he wasn’t like the other orks. While they played Pillager and Prey he dreamed of leaving his small encampment of Grofflmrkeshargdensmar and seeing the wide world from the purple waters of Bellandisle to the teaming markets of Shamshabar. And unlike he most Orks he didn’t have a taste for man-flesh. He preferred elf.

But he didn’t spend all his time daydreaming. Being of the curious sort, he would try to extract as much information about the outside world from the food the raiding parties brought back before his orcish mates got to it. Fortunately for Kreglar, he was able to “coax” one of the captured humans to teach him the basics of reading and writing. From then on, whenever he was able, he would barter for the few scrolls and tomes that the raiding parties brought back that hadn’t been used for kindling. In this way he grew to be quite learned, by orkish standards anyway.

His entire life changed when the Dark Throne began mustering the hordes for a campaign to enslave The Free Races. This was his opportunity to travel outside his small community and see sites that no Orc had ever seem before and eat creatures that no Orc had ever eaten before.

Unfortunately the war went poorly for the Orcs and Kreglar soon found himself battle-scarred and unemployed in Grenland but still harboring dreams of journeying throughout The Seventeen Lands. Being able to read and write (which was rare even among humans) and being able to bear large burdens without much complaining (which was very rare among humans) he secured passage as a deckhand on the Brown Wolf which was bound for Rotak with a cargo of 34 Apparati of Kwalish…
posted by euphorb at 9:20 PM on August 26, 2004

feminist pincesses involved in bitter class-warfare in a world with a working economy

Unfortunately, that's already been done. But not very well, mind you (suffers from many of these cliques, especially the looooong aspect), you should take a stab at it.
posted by nelleish at 6:31 AM on August 27, 2004