Pope Michael Has Many Computer Problems
September 21, 2004 3:52 AM   Subscribe

The real Vatican is in Kansas. "On July 16, 1990 the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Roman Church elected David Bawden as Pope Michael, ending an almost 32 year long interegnum."
posted by eustacescrubb (26 comments total)
Our recent virus has already cost Us over 60 hours in work and we estimate another 60 hours to complete restoration of Our main and backup computer. We would like to warn all who are running Norton Antivirus, that it is what failed Us.

Oh, god! This is hilarious!
posted by 327.ca at 4:17 AM on September 21, 2004

Hehehe. I wonder if this is Mel Gibson's pope?

Pope Michael has many computer problems. This is great. I love the HUGE BUTTONS.
posted by sciurus at 4:19 AM on September 21, 2004

Wait, there's another pope over here.

Man, the US is lousy with popes!
posted by eriko at 4:21 AM on September 21, 2004

Wow. This page is comedy gold.

Since being infected with a virus, we have blown a CD-writer, a video card and other miscellaneous parts.

Not. Saying. A. Word.
posted by eriko at 4:25 AM on September 21, 2004

It's too bad the big red "Call for a Crusade" button is out of commision.
posted by Apoch at 5:25 AM on September 21, 2004

this is proof that windows is the devil's tool
posted by quarsan at 5:45 AM on September 21, 2004

Hey, America's a free country, we can all be the freakin' Pope!

Papacy for everybody!!!!
posted by tommasz at 6:32 AM on September 21, 2004

I've tried to be Pope several times but couldn't get past the fifth beer twice.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 6:47 AM on September 21, 2004

I wanna be a Pope! I wanna be a Pope!!!
posted by ChrisTN at 6:53 AM on September 21, 2004

ChrisTN, I dub thee Pope Ersatz the First.
posted by sciurus at 7:07 AM on September 21, 2004

Getchyer Pope Card here!
posted by mkhall at 7:20 AM on September 21, 2004

This guy lives right up the road from me. I may have to go pay him a visit. Maybe on a Sunday?
posted by sp dinsmoor at 7:47 AM on September 21, 2004

Ummmmm.... Sacrelicious!
posted by AstroGuy at 7:55 AM on September 21, 2004

I totally didn't know you could do this! I hereby declare myself Cthulhu!
posted by jpoulos at 8:19 AM on September 21, 2004

From the Kansas City Star article:

"Bawdin said he would be living in the basement of his parents' home in nearby St. Marys, Kan."

You don't say.
posted by moonbiter at 8:20 AM on September 21, 2004

... the Devil requires us to becomes slaves and work seven days a week to support his system. How many of us find ourselves working overtime to support our part of Satan's system?

He must work for Captain Jack.

I wonder if he allows gluten-free host?
posted by donpardo at 9:14 AM on September 21, 2004

I read the scanned article moonbiter linked to, and this pope isn't even ordained yet. He can't say a Mass or give the Eucharist. But...he's been elected Pope anyway.

(shakes head in disbelief)
posted by alumshubby at 9:27 AM on September 21, 2004

now see, jpoulos, declaring thineself Papa ain't no thang, but Cthulhu? that's downright dangerous

not that the Big C cares, it's just that he might notice you

and we all know what happens then
posted by badzen at 9:29 AM on September 21, 2004

My son's Yu-Gi-Oh cards can kick yer Pope Card's ass.
posted by alumshubby at 9:42 AM on September 21, 2004

So u can be the President (U can be the President) {Kick it}
I'd rather be the Pope (Rather be the Pope)
(I'd rather be... so happy)
Yeah u can be the side effect (U can be the side effect)
I'd rather be the dope (Rather be the dope)
(I ain't scared of u mutha fuckers) {Kick it}
posted by five fresh fish at 10:05 AM on September 21, 2004

I wonder if history will remember this pope?

It's one of the great ironies for me that the supposed hand of god on earth can't seem to keep his own stuff together. Look at the Roman Catholic pope, you'd think god would either keep him mobile or call him home. Must be all those sporting events keeping him busy.
posted by Mitheral at 11:13 AM on September 21, 2004

I read the scanned article moonbiter linked to, and this pope isn't even ordained yet. He can't say a Mass or give the Eucharist. But...he's been elected Pope anyway.

Wait. . .that's what you think is wrong with this? It was kind of low on my list, actually.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 12:11 PM on September 21, 2004

This guy gets a mention in Tom Frank's amazing book < a href=http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0805073396/qid=1095806977/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/002-8923829-4096812?v=glance&s=books&n=507846>What's the Matter with Kansas?. Basically, he thinks this Pope is a heretic and hence not actually Pope. So he held a Papal election, where his parents and cousin showed up and elected him unanimously. It's pretty funny.
posted by abcde at 3:52 PM on September 21, 2004


What's the Matter with Kansas?
posted by abcde at 3:53 PM on September 21, 2004

As this appears to be related, I will publish a few of my old Martin Luther letters here. First the story:

A friend of mine secured the vatican.com domain several years ago and gave me an e-mail address. Toward the end of the 1990's, as more people got connected to the internet, messages started pouring in to the vatican.com server for user pope. Perhaps 10% of them were sincere attempts to contact the real Pope, and among those were some sad stories. The other 90% of people writing to this address were on a lark. They wanted to include the Pope in their CC to make their friends laugh, or they were just spouting off garbage because they thought it was funny.

My friend created a mailing list for for letters to pope@vatican.com, and we on the list started reading the letters to pope. Some of them inspired me to reply to the authors under the name Martin Luther (an inside joke for those who know Catholic history). The rest of the story should be pretty clear by reading the letters.

A warning in advance for anyone upset by direct and implied mockery of the Catholic church. This isn't for you. For everyone else, I hope you enjoy.

From: Martin Luther
Date: Wed Feb 2, 2000 11:22:37 AM US/Pacific
To: "TAMMY L****

Where does this go??? Who gets this e-mail??? someone please responde!!!!

Hello Tammy,

Thanks for your interest in the Vatican. Judging by the volume of your punctuation and recklessness of your spelling, you're in desperate, sloppy need of some Papal contact. Unfortunately, the Pope doesn't have enough time to reply to every doomed sinner's plea for help, no matter how pathetic. I would advise you to examine your spiritual priorities to determine if monotheism is meeting your needs. The Druids, by comparison, feel God's presence in almost all natural surroundings. Contacting a holy being for a Druid is no more difficult than a walk to the nearest tree.

While it is not the Vatican's policy to dispatch the flock to lives of spiritual fulfillment, happiness and ultimate eternal damnation, we are willing to make an exception in your case. Please seek another faith. The Pope will manage without your tithes and e-mails.

Vatican.com is a consortium of decadence nestled in the hills of San Francisco, dedicated to meeting the needs of today's newbie. Thanks again for your interest.

Martin Luther

* * *

From: Martin Luther
Date: Mon Jan 31, 2000 12:14:26 PM US/Pacific
To: Anna G****

Hello Pope,

I heard that you stink, just wanted to say hello and that I wondered who you were.

Tell Nathaniel that he owes me a dinner in Nashville somewhere......

Hope I hear from you soon,


Greetings Anna,

Thanks for your interest in the Vatican.

Okay, first things first: I would like to take the occasion of your first question to address an issue of ongoing debate among the devout and hell-bound alike: what does the Pope smell like. As the father of the Protestant reformation, I may be biased about the odor of His Holiness, but I'll give it my best shot.

The whole church smells like money and pure, pure gold, so that's naturally a factor. Also, the Pope spends a lot of His time draped naked over heaps of priceless jewels; but as most jewels have no discernable odor, this doesn't contribute to His odor. Furthermore, because the Pope also spends a lot of time reading old texts, a fragrance of mildewed parchment does tend to shroud Him, as does a faint but cloying aroma of myrrh. Finally, His Holiness is somewhat partial to Mentos breath mints: he enjoys the variety of cool, fruity flavors and is fascinated by a product that can create freshness where previously there was none—a gift bestowed by God to His anointed alone until the early 1980's. Therefore, the Pope has many moments of up-close freshness.

I hope my notes on the Pope's aroma will help you decide for yourself whether or not He stinks.

In a closing address to your second comment, we are not in the business of conveying dinner arrangement messages from peasants to Nathaniel nor to anyone. The messages we convey are from the mouth of God to all of creation. And, incidentally, according to our records, the only outstanding message we have for a Nathaniel in Nashville is a bit cryptic, but here it is: "Yes, suck even one cock and you will burn in eternal hellfire." Hope that message doesn't arrive too late!

Thanks again for your interest in the Vatican.

Martin Luther

* * *

From: Martin Luther
Date: Thu Mar 9, 2000 12:49:10 AM US/Pacific
To: HUEY***@aol.com

You're no saint yourself pope.
I spose I got nothing else to say but blow me.
love huey

Ah, from your festering cake hole to God's pristine, eternal ear, Huey.

You know, we at the Vatican get countless letters to the Pope every day, and a surprising few convey so much flip hostility in so few words. Almost haiku. Be assured that the Pope understands harsh brevity, Huey. Oh yes, the Pope comprehends that a tiny, hate-filled life such as yours, illuminated by only a dim mental candle, must seem like the existence of a rancid ketchup packet in a bottomless ocean of ennui.

The source of your spiritual corruption, and the reason you seek guidance here, is your loss of value. Even your American president, so flushed with humiliation, even he has some value. So why he and not you, Huey? You're certainly right to feel scorn, for you are a worthless lump of filth—a piece of rotting flotsam washed up on the shore of a hostile new millennium, with wit enough to see you're doomed, but wit insufficient to make any sense of how or why.

And here you are, a blip on the world's stage, flashing out your sad member and inviting the leader of the Catholic faith to blow you.

Well, the grace of surprise wisdom showers you, Huey: you have been blown already. Like pinwheeling dandelion fluff, the worth of your existence has tumbled away in life's breeze. We aren't surprised to hear your curses from the grave... yours isn't the first withered stem to burble poisonously in the world's spiritual compost.

Martin Luther

* * *

Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2001 02:46:00 -0800 (PST)
From: Martin Luther
To: jazzy2

Dear Friend:

Making over half million dollars every 4 to 5 months from your home for an investment of only $25 U.S. Dollars expense one time.


Dear jazzy2,

Thanks for your interest in the Vatican.

To begin with, never address Pope John Paul II as "Dear Friend." His Holiness is neither your friend nor dear in any of the inane ways you suggest. Around the Vatican we tend to call him "Spud" or "Big Spudder," (He's Polish, jazzy2). You may not call him Spud—and don't take your pinkies too far from the damned shift key.

Secondly, and more to the point, if His Holiness were interested in “making half a million dollars every 4 to 5 months,” He would divide up his situation into about a billion parts and throw away all but one. What kind of chump do you take His Spuddiness for? You think he has all those solid gold flagons for selling kool-aid? No, they're for drinking the blood of God, bitch, which means cash cold. The Spud is done liquid.

Thanks again for your interest in the Vatican.

Martin Luther
posted by squirrel at 9:27 PM on September 21, 2004

those are hilarious, my bushy-tailed brother.
posted by sciurus at 3:25 AM on September 22, 2004

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