Big Dick Cheney

November 12, 2004 3:00 PM

Overexposed: Upon closer inspection, it seems the vice president’s smile was not his biggest, ahem, asset. Is that what we think it is?
posted by dogmatic (57 comments total)

So how long before someone finds, and posts, the pic in question?
posted by dogmatic at 3:00 PM on November 12, 2004

The race is on.
posted by thirteen at 3:02 PM on November 12, 2004

I feel so dirty right now. Thanks a lot.
posted by The God Complex at 3:05 PM on November 12, 2004

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww! I don't care if it's a big bulge or not, it's Dick's, man! That's just gross.
posted by WolfDaddy at 3:05 PM on November 12, 2004

Oh come on WD! I don't want to see it out of any prurient interest, but I do want to see. I fail to see how it could be anything but funny. Sort of akin to how I took a look at the closeups of Janet post-superbowl, to verify that she did indeed have that gigantic nipple-piercing-sun-styled-looking-thing.
posted by kavasa at 3:13 PM on November 12, 2004

Yeah, I honestly never want to see this. It was bad enough when Bush and his cod piece got all "check out my nuts, bitches" on the airliner.
posted by The God Complex at 3:17 PM on November 12, 2004

Is that what we think it is?

is what? his theoretical wang? Neither Wonkette or any of the freepers can find this pic, maybe we should just wait and see if it really exists (or not, depending on the .01% that I actually care)
posted by milovoo at 3:20 PM on November 12, 2004

Bret Farve is apparently a Cheney fan . ..I am burning my cheesehead right here and now. . .
posted by Danf at 3:21 PM on November 12, 2004

Yeah and Schilling stumped for Bush. Fuck the red sox!
posted by The God Complex at 3:22 PM on November 12, 2004

The last I heard, big Dick's dick was busy humping the Constitution behind the Senate.
posted by fenriq at 3:29 PM on November 12, 2004

Danf-- The article said Bart Starr, not Bret Favre. Did they have cheeseheads back in the 60's?
posted by cell divide at 3:32 PM on November 12, 2004

This is perhaps the stupidest meme since Pengate.


Oh, I get it. It's funny because his first name is Dick. Teehee.
posted by rfordh at 3:35 PM on November 12, 2004

PAGING QUONSAR. QUONSAR TO THREAD 36949 PLEASE.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:36 PM on November 12, 2004

ech.
may all the search engines fail in this task.
posted by Busithoth at 3:40 PM on November 12, 2004

god cheney makes me hot
posted by DenOfSizer at 3:42 PM on November 12, 2004

Fear the Dark Side.
posted by bargle at 3:47 PM on November 12, 2004

BTW, that is not Wang Cheney. It is something safter to view.
posted by bargle at 3:47 PM on November 12, 2004

so we found the weapons of mass distruction guys am i right?
posted by plexiwatt at 3:53 PM on November 12, 2004

oops change to dEstruction.

or am i ritE. it seems more apropos.
posted by plexiwatt at 3:54 PM on November 12, 2004

He ain't heavy. He's Long Cheney...
posted by 327.ca at 3:55 PM on November 12, 2004

This appears to be the original article. No photos, though.
posted by dithered at 4:09 PM on November 12, 2004

No-one has mentioned 'Bigus Dickus' yet?
posted by twine42 at 4:18 PM on November 12, 2004

From Wonkette:

Cheney's penis also has a short range, rarely hits its intended target, and last went off during the Gulf War.

Ba-dum!
posted by jokeefe at 4:26 PM on November 12, 2004

The suspense is killing me: will Monday ever come?


From: [ME]
Sent: Thursday, November 11, 2004 3:27 PM
To: Photo Reprints
Subject: request
Hello, We wanted to purchase a photograph of Dale Guldan's which ran on September 11th, 2004, on page 1 section B.

****
I will be out of the office tomorrow 11/12/04 returning Monday 11/15/04. Please give me a call Monday at the number listed below.

[NAME and INFO DELETED]
Journal Sentinel
Photo Library/Archivist
posted by RJ Reynolds at 4:38 PM on November 12, 2004

Smaller the prick the bigger the war?
posted by five fresh fish at 5:35 PM on November 12, 2004

Uh...EWWWWWWH!

That is all.
posted by dejah420 at 5:49 PM on November 12, 2004

I remember they said the exact same thing about Al Gore, though. It was even based on a photo (of him in jogging shorts, if I recall correctly).

I think it's some freudian thing we project on to Vice Presidents.

That they have enormous schlongs, that is.

Or else Presidential candidates consider the schlong as a factor when appointing VPs.
posted by Hildago at 6:04 PM on November 12, 2004

Didn't Lyndon Johnson once whip it out on the deck of a ship to pee, announcing to his staff 'Watch it touch bottom!'

Maybe I should google that.

Damn. Google says I'm lying.

But I swear I read this somewhere. Along with the sentence 'Whenever Lyndon says there's going to be a joint session of Congress, everybody winces.'

Damn again. Help me out here, people.
posted by jokeefe at 6:11 PM on November 12, 2004

That they have enormous schlongs, that is.

VP HAS enormous schlong but CAN't US IT because. of WEAR/TEAR for nor sexual orgasm

Sorry. I couldn't resist.
posted by NewBornHippy at 6:12 PM on November 12, 2004

I knew this guy was a huge dick.
posted by xammerboy at 6:25 PM on November 12, 2004

This is all I've got, jokeefe:

LBJ used to refer to his sex organ as "Jumbo," and sometimes, after urinating, would start talking to a colleague without zipping up, instead simply beginning the conversation: "Have you ever seen anything as big as this?" ... (By the way, I had trouble finding this last passage but then discovered in the index under "Johnson, Lyndon B., sexual exhibitionism," a few lines below "Johnson, Lyndon B., scratching habit.")

So no confirmation, but anecdotal evidence.

Ah! Here's the one you were thinking of:

And down on the LBJ ranch near Johnson City, Texas, Mr. Johnson liked to go fishing and whisky-drinking on Johnson Lake with the Secret Service and a few close friends. The small boat had no facilities, which meant that the president had to relieve himself over the side like everybody else. As Mr. Johnson was zipping up, one of the agents told me, he always made the same little joke: “It ain’t too cold, but it sure is deep.”

That article includes an eyewitness account of the Presidential thingy, which uses the words "smaller than average".
posted by gleuschk at 6:37 PM on November 12, 2004

Graham, I bow down to your fantabulous searching skills. You rawk.
posted by jokeefe at 7:07 PM on November 12, 2004

LBJ used to give press intervews while sitting on the toilet. One time, during the war, a reporter asked him a question about Ho Chi Minh. Johnson became visibly angry, rose to his feet and exclamed , "Ho Chi Minh! Does Ho Chi Minh have one of these?"

True story. These are the things you remember from high school history class.
posted by euphorb at 7:49 PM on November 12, 2004

The Al Gore thing was a cover Rolling Stone.
posted by obfusciatrist at 7:51 PM on November 12, 2004

As Mr. Johnson was zipping up, one of the agents told me, he always made the same little joke: “It ain’t too cold, but it sure is deep.”

Heh! That's the same joke they used in Slingblade...must be a Southern Thing.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:09 PM on November 12, 2004

Ahh, I knew I remembered seeing this about John Kerry's WMD.

I wonder if more people would have voted for him if his name was John Donkeypenis?
posted by fenriq at 8:15 PM on November 12, 2004

From the article:

We’ve seen the photo, and it’s hard not to notice something so, well, unmistakable.
posted by a3matrix at 8:20 PM on November 12, 2004

Possible Cheney porn titles, courtesy of the not-busy-enough staff at the Philadelphia Daily News, found on Romenesko:


1. Vice!

2. Southern Strategy

3. Undisclosed Location

4. The Bush Man

5. Hard as Iraq

6. Pet My Goat

7. The Joint Chief of Staff

8. Weapon of Ass Destruction

9. Inside My Beltway

10. The Johnson Administration
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:35 PM on November 12, 2004

Think he's talking about length or girth?
posted by funkbrain at 9:18 PM on November 12, 2004

Is Cheney's bulge in any way connected (wired, whatever) to the bulge on Bush's back?
posted by LeLiLo at 10:31 PM on November 12, 2004

He's talking about length, because he's a choad.
posted by interrobang at 11:09 PM on November 12, 2004

Obfusciatrist -- The Rolling Stone cover is a different thing than what I was thinking.

Simply because I do not want to give the impression that I imagined a photo of Al Gore in running shorts that revealed his package, I tracked down the page I was thinking of. Here it is.
posted by Hildago at 11:51 PM on November 12, 2004

Can we really not find a picture of this?
posted by djacobs at 8:27 AM on November 13, 2004

What, Hildago's photo didn't make you rethink the wisdom of finding it?
posted by Busithoth at 9:08 AM on November 13, 2004

That said, look what you did!
posted by Busithoth at 10:42 AM on November 13, 2004

Sooo..... there's no fucking photo then.

cock teases!
posted by scarabic at 11:54 AM on November 13, 2004

I'll check the Journal Sentinel on Monday.
posted by drezdn at 12:19 PM on November 13, 2004

here's the pic
posted by amberglow at 4:35 PM on November 13, 2004

MY EYES!! TEH GOGGLES etc
posted by mr.marx at 5:02 PM on November 13, 2004

S.Z.J. Cheney could club harp seals with that thing!
posted by five fresh fish at 9:48 PM on November 13, 2004

OMG, I've been attacked by ladybugs on that bench. I work 4 blocks from there. I could've had my eye put out.
posted by drezdn at 10:04 AM on November 14, 2004

That's not a "bulge"...it's an outline. If only the Iraq exit strategy were so well-defined...
posted by uosuaq at 12:00 PM on November 14, 2004

I think it's a salami. Cheney has a bizarre fetish for cured meats.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:33 PM on November 14, 2004

it's an incontinence thing, i bet
posted by amberglow at 8:03 PM on November 14, 2004

If that's his schwang, I think we can all agree it's huge, by any standard. Dick the impaler.
posted by schlaager at 12:38 AM on November 15, 2004

You dirty, dirty people.

I love you all.
posted by orange swan at 5:25 AM on November 15, 2004

Once, in college, one of my room mates had a lady friend coming over to meet him in the common area. We duct-taped a tennis ball to a Coke can and somehow convinced him to put it down his shorts, to "impress her". That Coke can with a tennis ball taped to it looked more like an actual penis than that photo.
posted by Hildago at 1:12 PM on November 15, 2004