What's a boringcake?
January 8, 2005 3:29 PM   Subscribe

Because "honky" is fun to say, and a lot of us could use some angry, profane, hilarious, and well-intentioned advice.
posted by blendor (23 comments total)

While I'm sure others will comment that it's just a single link to a blog, I will commend you for bringing this to my attention. I will also commend to author for having the better part of raging literary sense to put into words the emotional context of being _alive_ and not just living.

posted by daq at 3:56 PM on January 8, 2005

er, sorry. first post, and all. i read the guidelines, but i'm still fairly new around here. but it brought me a laugh and thought others would enjoy.
posted by blendor at 4:02 PM on January 8, 2005

Ignore anyone who complains about it being a single link. It was enjoyable to me and of course that's all that matters.
posted by Octoparrot at 4:05 PM on January 8, 2005

The author is Heather Havrilesky, yes? I just sent an article she wrote for Salon.com about Amber Frey to my aunt, because it was so good. Now I think she's a freaking genius.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:05 PM on January 8, 2005 [1 favorite]

What's a "filler honky" -- or a "filler" anything? Is that yet another of those "rad" new expressions I'm too old and creaky to get?
posted by davy at 4:08 PM on January 8, 2005

or a "filler" anything? Is that yet another of those "rad" new expressions I'm too old and creaky to get?

Just the opposite. You have to be so old as to remember the glory days of Suck.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 4:19 PM on January 8, 2005

She wrote "Filler" for Suck.com, back before it bit the big one...
posted by SweetJesus at 4:19 PM on January 8, 2005

Damn, I thought this was gonna be about Hank Williams, Faron Young, and Lefty Frizzell.
posted by keswick at 4:22 PM on January 8, 2005

Honkies are just all right with me. But nobody should quote lines from a Cameron Crowe script. I don't care who you are or who you write for.
posted by PuppyCat at 4:24 PM on January 8, 2005

I like this piece in specific and Heather Havrilesky in general, but am the only person who wants to point that she's, um, wrong?

"Gritting your teeth and biting the palm of your hand like goddamn Squiggy every time she walks by" is not some sign that you're experiencing magical true love. It's infatuation. Lust like that is a whole lot of fun, and highly commendable, but it doesn't last.

Seriously, there's nothing wrong with hooking up with the hot green-eyed barrista and having red hot zebu sex. But your beautiful life-changing flower will end up "boring the shit out of you, and pissing you off, and doesn't give a flying fuck about how you feel, ever" long, long before your spreadsheet girl who you actually, you know, like.
posted by Simon! at 4:49 PM on January 8, 2005

i disagree, simon. while a 7-year relationship isn't the longest, it's given me time to experience the natural waxing and waning of intensity of feeling involved in long-term relationships. i still get the squiggy feelings. you could say i'm still infatuated with her, i suppose. but of course when you add love to the mix, it becomes infinitely more meaningful.
posted by blendor at 5:06 PM on January 8, 2005

Having hot zubu sex with a girl who gives you the squiggies and actually, y'know, liking said girl are not mutually exclusive things.
posted by 23skidoo at 5:43 PM on January 8, 2005

She wrote "Filler" for Suck.com, back before it bit the big one...

Indeed. We had an odd email exchange about my parents' donkey many many years ago, after I wrote her to thank her for her writing. Perhaps my first one with an Internet Person.

I like her stuff a lot.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:06 PM on January 8, 2005

Although I didn't know it until just now, I've waited my whole life to see the words "my parents' donkey" in print.

Thank you.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:47 PM on January 8, 2005

But nobody should quote lines from a Cameron Crowe script.

What better source could anyone possibly quote from? Not everyone is going to get Billy Wilder references...

p.s. I don't want to buy, sell, or process anything...
posted by bingo at 8:17 PM on January 8, 2005

We had an odd email exchange about my parents' donkey many many years ago, after I wrote her to thank her for her writing

I just wanted to hold up that sentence and admire it.
posted by eriko at 8:23 PM on January 8, 2005

Simon, I think she's wrong, too. Kinda.

Yeah, you should get the squigglies. If you don't, then it's a bad decision. But it seems most of the article is just saying, "Fucking and infatuation are the most important thing in choosing a mate for life. Don't use logic when choosing people, let your dick decide." Not all of it, of course, but there seems to be a hell of a lot of focus on that aspect of a relationship, to the exclusion of the rest.

And, frankly, life is short, as she says, and intentionally making long term decisions based entirely on your dick seems like a great way to waste your life, not to make the most of it.
posted by Bugbread at 8:25 PM on January 8, 2005

I'm going to need a clarification on the words "squigglies" and "squiggies."

Also, possibly for zubu.
posted by weston at 8:52 PM on January 8, 2005

Frances McDormand? I though spiritualist Basil King said it first.
posted by TheNakedPixel at 9:06 PM on January 8, 2005

Someone gives you the squiggies if you feel the need to grit your teeth and bite the palm of your hand like goddamn Squiggy every time she walks by.

Squiggles are cartoon motion lines that indicate a fat person is running or jogging.
posted by 23skidoo at 9:48 PM on January 8, 2005

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And by the way, no.

I reallly rabbit (I'll refer to her by persona here) is saying something said many a time o'er but oft forgot in this day and age:

carpe diem

Seize the motherfucking day, already.

Don't sit there and talk on the phone about how, in such a careful, abstract, non-confrontational sense you are, potentially, under the right circumstances, should the planets align that way, be highly comparatively compatible partners in this carefully planned, risk-laden enterprise we call life.

Jebus, the girl is coming halfway across the country to see you. That's golden. That's prime rump (for either sex), cut, wrapped, and price-tagged.

rabbit is telling this guy to get off his fattening, fortying behind and meet the girl at the airport with roses and a gameplan. A knock-her-socks-off weekend of friendly honest-to-goodness romancing. Dinner at a great restaurant. A little wine. And just once, that hot kiss in the foyer when you're putting her coat on, a tentative but unmistakeable buss behind the ears, the on button for any heavenly frisson of goosepimples down her back, if anything ever can.

Yeah, we know -- the much-cited studies show -- that compatibility is much more important to long-term success in marriages and cognate relationships. Income levels, background, education, life experience, cultural expectations, all of those trump chemistry in the end. Arranged marriages are really just about as successful in aggregate, because they tend to maximize these attributes. But hell, squigglies are what make life worth living.

So, squigglies. Blood engorgement of certain bodily parts. Urges which cannot reasonably, at least for the moment, be denied.

But going for it, just the once. Going for it.

Not regretting for the rest of your life that you never went for it -- with this person; with anyone.

And if, by some quirk of Bog's ill will, you end up with that not-so-special but (hey) compatible person ... kiss her with the same gusto. You only get the one go-round.

If I can leave you young'uns with this, I've done some good. Don't window-shop. Take it home with you.
posted by dhartung at 10:17 PM on January 8, 2005

I think she's wrong

For pete's sake, it's not an argument. It's not a philosophy. It's a rant, a poem, an over-the-top response to an overly cautious attitude to life and love. Does everything have to be either a spreadsheet or a Flash movie around here? Christ, read it out loud, put some spunk and backbone into it, and (as the estimable dhartung urges) carp the fucking day.

This is not intended as an attack on, or even particularly a response to, the individual commenters who disagreed with rabbit. It's just another rant, because I felt like ranting.
posted by languagehat at 7:38 AM on January 9, 2005

What is "zebu" sex?
posted by davy at 9:44 AM on January 10, 2005

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