Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.
March 21, 2005 4:09 PM   Subscribe

Have you given up on the Atkins Diet? Tired of miracle diet pills that don't work? Maybe you, like many other Americans, can find dietary salvation in the Bible. Try the Hallelujah Diet®. It's a primarily vegan diet that's "Biblically Based. Scientifically Validated. Personally Evidenced." Unless of course, it's actually dangerous quackery, or worse, heresy. Maybe you're better off with the Maker's Diet, "based on Biblical precepts and scientific resources". Uh oh.
posted by casu marzu (26 comments total)
My dad knew a guy who only ate foods mentioned in the Koran.

Not including pork, I assume.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 4:15 PM on March 21, 2005

What if it's God's plan for me to be dangerously obese? Type II diabetes might be His reward for the faithful!
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 4:31 PM on March 21, 2005

Just so long as you don't mix yer damn fibers.
Deut. 22:11

Holy Crap! (literally.) Moses talked about this, too, in Lev. 19:19.

Mixin' fibers is big shite in the OT. That's why I only wear 100% cotton Nike jogging suits.

An' I only eat the blood of Christ. *sluuuurp-hic*

On preview: BLF: hee.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 4:32 PM on March 21, 2005

Meh. I'll stick with South Beach 45 pounds (lost since Jan 1) can't be wrong!
posted by Doohickie at 4:35 PM on March 21, 2005

"Jesus Christ I'm fat!"

Am I close?
posted by Turtles all the way down at 4:36 PM on March 21, 2005

Ezekiel 4:9 - Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentils, and millet, and spelt, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof; according to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, even three hundred and ninety days, shalt thou eat thereof.

Works for me! (Yet tastes like Grape-NutsTM.)

Great post.

Men die because of sin, not because of diet, disease, or disaster.

Well that convinces me!

This "reference"
from the Let God Be True (oh please!!) site is fucking hilarious. Any time there's defective meat, it's those pesky animal-rights terrorists!

Or those pesky truck farmers?

Don’t listen to truck farmers who have a vested financial interest in telling you about vegetarianism!

WTF are truck farmers!?!?!?
posted by mrgrimm at 4:38 PM on March 21, 2005

Don't forget your GOD Flakes honey, they are an important part of HIS breakfast. GOD smoothie for lunch, and a sensible dinner made from heretics.

GOD says, "eat less, proselytize more!"
posted by schyler523 at 4:43 PM on March 21, 2005

Don't forget to banish all seafood!

I was wondering the same about "truck farmers". What do they use to bring their product to markets?
posted by clevershark at 4:45 PM on March 21, 2005

From mrgrimms link from above(scroll down):

Advice to Vegetarians

Please don't be a liar and a hypocrite. Don't sneak around eating meat when others can't see you like other vegetarians. Don't eat fish and call yourself a vegetarian. Fish have a face and a mother. Don't eat eggs and call yourself a vegetarian. Half of the chickens born to become egg layers are male and must be killed to prevent being overrun by cock rosters.

Truck farmers, cock rosters, and Animal rights activists; OH MY!...
Truck farmers, cock rosters, and Animal rights activists; OH MY!
posted by schyler523 at 4:52 PM on March 21, 2005

Back to bible basics. Take some dogma, add hot air, and then sell it to desperate people and reap the profits :-)

I can't wait for The Maker's Chemotherapy™!
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 5:13 PM on March 21, 2005

Top five sexiest things to say to a naked vegetarian:

5. It's ripe...
4. I prefer to eat it raw.
3. You stud, you're such a beancake.
2. How do you stay so emaciated?
1. Anything about peaches

I know, it's time to stop.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 5:17 PM on March 21, 2005

From the letgodbetrue link: Life expectancy for sinners has not changed in over 3000 years.

Um.... okay, if you say so.
posted by salad spork at 5:23 PM on March 21, 2005

Wow. I know that shouldn't worship false idols, but I humbly kneel in the presence of mrgrimm. His single link puts all of my carefully assembled research to shame. There's a reason why the Bible Life Ministries condemn vegetarianism, and, by extension, the Hallelujah diet (The Bible describes those who recommend abstaining from eating meats as extremely evil. They are teaching doctrines of devils with lies and hypocrisy. The same is said about those who are against marriage); it's because of this:
Bible Life Ministries'
Nutritional Program Has Performed Healing Miracles
The proper diet for healing and health preservation is argued fiercely because this is a spiritual battle. Poor health and disease can be caused by believing the worldly myths, distortions and lies about nutrition which have deceived most people. The following information should be studied carefully to reduce your risk of obesity, diabetes, heart disease, cancer and inflammatory bowel diseases. This information is healing people worldwide. You can also be healed. Please let us know about your successful healing.
Yes, the Bible Life Ministries have found the One True Diet handed down by God. It's a low-carb diet, of course. I learned about The Deadly Food Pie!!1!!!1!!! I also discovered Lies That Will Destroy Your Health and other conspiracies at their informative Biblical dietary website.

Thanks, mrgrimm!
posted by casu marzu at 5:33 PM on March 21, 2005

make sure you eat you bible bar
posted by kurtosis at 5:34 PM on March 21, 2005

Have you given up on the Atkins Diet?


And how'm I doing ?

posted by y2karl at 5:44 PM on March 21, 2005

WTF are truck farmers!?!?!?

You didn't think those enormous things would just grow all by themselves in the wild, did you? ...Ignorant city slicker!
posted by soyjoy at 7:19 PM on March 21, 2005

Trucks come from farms?
posted by mono blanco at 7:24 PM on March 21, 2005

"And when the children of Israel saw it, they said one to another, It is manna: for they wist not what it was. And Moses said unto them, This is the bread which the LORD hath given you to eat." The Book of Exodus, Chapter 16, verse 15

Atheist biologist Richard Dawkins, in The Ancestor's Tale, relates that the manna that sustained the Israelites was in fact, um, aphid shit.

Truly the ways of God are mysterious and beyond our comprehending! Hallelujah!

Oh, and I'll refrain from saying, "God wants you to" -- wait for it -- "Eat shit Christians!"
posted by orthogonality at 7:34 PM on March 21, 2005

Ah, yes, the Maker's diet.

Nothing but fine bourbon for a week or two.

It's an excellent weight loss program, and has been used to treat depression as well.
posted by Coda at 7:43 PM on March 21, 2005

Proper nutrition and exercise seems to work for all the swimmers I know. But I did know this really hot Jehovah's Witness. Pray, please, for the foolish atheist boys who fell for her.
posted by Kleptophoria! at 8:12 PM on March 21, 2005

Trucks come from farms?
I think it's time we had "the talk". You see, when a truck becomes a man, he...
posted by Sangermaine at 8:28 PM on March 21, 2005

Why do fundie whackos always have web sites that look like they are straight out of Web Pages That Suck?
posted by salad spork at 10:15 PM on March 21, 2005

This just in: Drugs and Doctors May Be the Leading Cause of Death in US.
(from casu marzu's deadly food pie)

Are you saved?
posted by sophist at 3:04 AM on March 22, 2005

I'll stick with the Maker's Mark Diet™, thank you very much.
posted by Plutor at 4:53 AM on March 22, 2005

I came up with a new diet. It goes like this:

To lose weight, ensure calories out > calories in. This can be done by modifying one's diet, or exercising, or preferably both.

Now where's my money?
posted by recursive at 10:24 AM on March 22, 2005

I tried the Ezekiel 4:9 hot dog buns and they were very filling. But the next time I looked for them in the store the buns were molding in the package.
posted by PY at 4:21 PM on March 22, 2005

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