The Perfect Housemate! (*twitch*)
April 8, 2005 3:33 PM   Subscribe

Wanted: the perfect housemate! You just need to meet a few, um, requirements.
posted by brownpau (41 comments total)
(Via Davezilla.)
posted by brownpau at 3:34 PM on April 8, 2005

I don't know why exactly, but that just screams Achewood to me.
posted by freebird at 3:40 PM on April 8, 2005

Wow! He's single?!
posted by FYKshun at 3:40 PM on April 8, 2005

Freebird, now that you mention it, I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be a satirical tip of the hat to Achewood via Craigslist. That's Mr. Bear all over, isn't it?
posted by brownpau at 3:42 PM on April 8, 2005

Dogs are okay? What??
posted by odinsdream at 3:43 PM on April 8, 2005

I've seen a very similar post before (maybe best of craigslist?) The fact that it's come up again, and with more detail this time, makes me think it's genuine. People, eh?
posted by cali at 3:45 PM on April 8, 2005

C'mon, and gullible is not in the dictionary.
posted by fixedgear at 3:51 PM on April 8, 2005

Sounds like a keeper to me, ladies.

Well, at least he doesn't collect Nazi dolls.
posted by AlexReynolds at 3:51 PM on April 8, 2005

Well, he had me at 'hello.'
posted by Mr Pointy at 3:54 PM on April 8, 2005

g) You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third-Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45 pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I've tried this with housemates who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time.

i) This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.

I was unsure if it was real or not before I got to those two. Very funny.
posted by underer at 3:56 PM on April 8, 2005

I saw this before somewhere; the funny part is that he actually managed to find people willing to be his housemate.
posted by nmiell at 4:00 PM on April 8, 2005

Back in college I lived with a nut job one summer.

Had to be out of the house every wednesday evening when his customers for his side business would come over to pick up their vitamins.

He was divorced, so when his young children visited they were to reuse the paper cups the entire weekend. My food had a clear delineated area, etc. etc. It goes on from there.

Nut job. I know he added "no visiting girlfriends" to the rules after I left. Drove him batty, so new rule!

I think some doctors can't write enough prescriptions for people. But, that's just me.
posted by fluffycreature at 4:02 PM on April 8, 2005

It's almost believable, which is the scary part.

And you just know that for the "L" quirks he has, he's hiding 30 million more grating ones.
posted by dflemingdotorg at 4:08 PM on April 8, 2005

three of my five housemates are so annoying I'm mailing everyone a special letter at the end of this month: the owner has sold the house and everyone needs to re-locate by the end of June, no later than the end of July. I'll also be mailing out fake eviction notices. I know this is a bit much, but the owner could give a damn about people that a)don't clean the bathroom, clean up after themselves in the kitchen, maintain a decent cleaning schedule and steal other tenants food out of the fridge. Thankfully the current lot are so dysfunctional and stupid they'll just pack up and leave. Meanwhile, myself and one other housemate will just stay behind . . . What a buncha maroons!
posted by mk1gti at 4:22 PM on April 8, 2005

Well, it's obviously a joke, but it makes me damned glad my flat-sharing days are long over.
posted by Decani at 4:32 PM on April 8, 2005

I once rented a room from a woman who would, after I left for the day, enter and rearrange my meager furnishings and re-make my bed to suit her tastes. That was ten years ago and I'm still pissed about it.
posted by Clay201 at 5:48 PM on April 8, 2005

My girlfriend must think i'm insane...This cracked me up in that weird intermittent giggle. This seems totally believable...this guy lives just down the street from me (or so i'm led to believe.) What a control freak...though not alone around here.
Thanks Brownpau.
posted by schyler523 at 6:30 PM on April 8, 2005

I find it so hard to believe, though if I had to put money on it, I'd be betting it's real.

I just can't believe the guy even bothers to try to get a housemate. What's $300/month to a plastic surgeon?
posted by orange swan at 6:39 PM on April 8, 2005

Clearly fake on many levels, yet fun to read. Thanks.
posted by nj_subgenius at 6:58 PM on April 8, 2005

This perfectly illustrates the beauty of craigslist. With free ads and a readership of the semi-open-mind variety, you can pretty much detail your perfect situation. If you find what you want, Great! If you don't, you're not out anything.

As to whether this particular ad is real or not, who cares?!
posted by mischief at 7:03 PM on April 8, 2005

Amen, mischief, re: craigslist.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:07 PM on April 8, 2005 [1 favorite]

orange swan: It's because he's lonely, like he said.
posted by abcde at 8:55 PM on April 8, 2005

After reading this I'm none too surprised that he should be lonely.
posted by clevershark at 9:07 PM on April 8, 2005

METAFILTER: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged

Sorry. I had to do it.
posted by davidmsc at 9:14 PM on April 8, 2005

The details seem to be random. No cooking with paprika or dill or curry? Curry and dill are very strong smelling, but paprika? There is very little distinct smell to paprika-- it just smells like red pepper.

He will breed his border collie to your pure bred bitch if you show him papers-- unless you own a American Water Spaniel? No magazines in the house because of "glare"? These all sound like inane details that are randomly made up.

And he must upholster in complete silence once a month. Uh huh. I can imagine someone wanting complete silence when they become absorbed in their hobby-- but who the hell practices a hobby that intently once a month?

If this guy is for real, he needs professional help.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:27 PM on April 8, 2005

Maybe he's a secret killer who hides body parts in upholstered furniture. Thus explaining the once-a-month compulsion and the need for solitude.
posted by Justinian at 9:39 PM on April 8, 2005

The guy thinks he's health-paranoid, worrying about organic and non-GMO fruits and veggies, but he's willing to let red meat be thoroughly cooked in his house? Does he know what carcinogens do? They give you CANCER.

Mon bon dieu! Quel idiot, ce type!
posted by scarabic at 12:25 AM on April 9, 2005

posted by scody at 12:28 AM on April 9, 2005

I think it's a (clunky) tip of the hat to this April Fool's ad.
posted by sninky-chan at 12:29 AM on April 9, 2005

I composed plenty of fake roommate-searching ads back when I needed to compose actual roommate-searching ads every month (PacHts flat, 300/mon, you can imagine the flood of responses, even in the salad days of SF Craigslist.) My favorite is on my old dead Mac: something obvious about necessary blood rituals every Wednesday at three and a kosher bathroom. I never posted the shit, tho.
posted by goofyfoot at 1:28 AM on April 9, 2005

there are only two possibilities; ocd or fake.

human skin upholstery? "it puts the lotion on!"
posted by emdog at 4:47 AM on April 9, 2005

what sninky-chan said (via BoingBoing).
posted by tcp at 6:16 AM on April 9, 2005

funny as hell. and definitely not real. he can't take paint fumes, but upholsters once a month? He reconditions furniture and with all the other allergies he can put up with that? The other tipoff? Urdu is a beautiful language. He must have been thinking !Xhosa. All that clicking would drive anyone nutso.
posted by beelzbubba at 6:26 AM on April 9, 2005

It occurs to me....

Suppose you had a roommate who was a major pain in the ass. And not just in the normal, we've-all-been-there ways, but in some truly bizarre, inexplicable, I-have-no-idea-what-goes-on-in-his-head ways. So you have this roommate for a while and finally you get fed up with them and you move out, but you want revenge. No, wait... not revenge exactly. What you want is more like... catharsis. You want to have your say. You want to reveal this guy's assholery to the public. Oh, and you want to have some fun with it. You figure that the guy must be looking for a new roommate. And there's this neat internet thing called Craig's List...

Could we be looking at an ex-roommate's account of what it was like to live with a nutjob? I mean, obviously it's exaggerated, but still; maybe the guy was extremely sensitive to noise and smells, went on upholstery sprees, etc. And if the ad is based on a real incident, could this be the beginning of a trend? That is, people dissatisfied with their roommates making their criticisms public in forums where-in people seek roommates?
posted by Clay201 at 7:25 AM on April 9, 2005

This reminds me of one of my previous house "mates" who filled the yard with cigarette butts, kept a dog (despite the no pets rule), had a live in girlfriend who didn't pay rent, and in the end didn't pay rent himself. He managed to convince the realestate agent that I was the one not paying rent (sociopaths can be very convincing) and tried to have me evicted. He even went as far as contacting the authorities.
We (me and the other housemates) ended up suing him (successfully) for unpaid rent, after we forced him to leave.

Control freaks are ok, it's the laid-back manipulative assholes you have to watch out for.
posted by spazzm at 8:55 AM on April 9, 2005

"IT MUST SIZZLE." is a reference to Achewood—it's part of Martha Washington's advice to people cooking steak in a cookbook Mr. Bear has.
posted by kenko at 9:31 AM on April 9, 2005

If you've ever tried to find housing near UCLA for $300/month that looks eminently reasonable.

The Water Spaniels are probably an Oakland A's reference though, making him a Dodgers fan and I'm not sure I could live with that.
posted by fshgrl at 4:32 PM on April 9, 2005

What would be really funny is if this is real and he gets a roommate that is just as anal. This roommate would have his or her own rule book and bizarre quirks. Image another OCD rich guy who was just as lonely. This would make great material for a sitcom.
posted by patcoston at 6:50 PM on April 9, 2005

I think I could actually live with those rules, and I'd love to have a border collie about the place.
posted by biffa at 2:23 AM on April 10, 2005

Shades of Ignatius Reilly....
posted by Espoo2 at 3:11 AM on April 10, 2005

'felix and felix'
'the odds coupled'
'what are the odds coupled?'
posted by emdog at 4:59 AM on April 10, 2005

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