Say No To Toast

April 19, 2005 12:44 AM

Bread is dangerous Research on bread indicates that: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. (More research inside)
posted by growabrain (34 comments total)

Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

Ha!
posted by zardoz at 12:50 AM on April 19, 2005

this is awesome. Remember, corellation is causality!
posted by shmegegge at 1:08 AM on April 19, 2005

Give it another hour in the oven, cap'n.
posted by Joybooth at 1:11 AM on April 19, 2005

shmegegge, correlation causes causality!

Though this one takes it to a whole new level - never mind the invalid implication that a correlation between bread users and violent crime indicates a causal relationship, the real misleading part is the implication that there is a correlation in the first place!
posted by aubilenon at 1:17 AM on April 19, 2005

I don't like the way they just chuck all bread in one basket. What about soya bread, or wholewheat, or croissants what do the facts say about them? Are buns bad, what about Hot Cross ones?

It's reports like these that are destroying science.
posted by Navek Rednam at 1:17 AM on April 19, 2005

One more reason to live a gluten-free diet...
posted by AlexReynolds at 1:22 AM on April 19, 2005

i've been suspecting this for years, especially since a similar drug is described by this site
posted by EvilKenji at 1:33 AM on April 19, 2005

I remember when I started carefully cutting off the crusts. I stepped back, and I thought, "What have I become?!?"
posted by paladin at 1:34 AM on April 19, 2005

oh man, EvilKenji, that site is beautiful.
posted by undule at 1:52 AM on April 19, 2005

Come on guys... see through this. Even though the Doc is dead, this is just another example of MINDLESS HYPE by the increasingly irrelevant Atkins CORPORATION! You fools would buy into anything... This is what they WANT you to think!
posted by trinarian at 2:08 AM on April 19, 2005

bread is good and not evil.
posted by trinarian at 2:09 AM on April 19, 2005

It sounds like a rather poor copy of the very funny dihydrogen monoxide site.
posted by derbs at 2:34 AM on April 19, 2005

Argh, didn't see that link EvilKenji :)
posted by derbs at 2:35 AM on April 19, 2005

Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

It happened to Jesus!
posted by Pretty_Generic at 3:23 AM on April 19, 2005

Hey, listen to derbs: didn't you know that every single person who has ever died of cancer has been addicted to dihydrogen monoxide?
posted by lodurr at 3:25 AM on April 19, 2005

... on the other hand, it's always important to take a balanced view on these things...
posted by lodurr at 3:29 AM on April 19, 2005

paladin is King.
posted by Witty at 3:47 AM on April 19, 2005

Post hoc ergo propter/cum hoc !

On a tangent: that is sweet, it's like the first day on the prestigeous intarnet getting to know about IBM mouse balls !
posted by elpapacito at 4:08 AM on April 19, 2005

I'm sure that these fans of bread would like to have some words with you.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 4:45 AM on April 19, 2005

My favorite bits:
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Also:
Hello, Je m'appel Stefani Banerian,
et vous vous trouvez · ma page d'accueil.

Hah!!! I don't really speak french!
posted by a_day_late at 5:06 AM on April 19, 2005

We're toast !
posted by johnny7 at 5:17 AM on April 19, 2005

Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

On second thought, strike out "Americans" and just put "humans". We all suck.

Also, what johnny7 said
posted by spazzm at 5:23 AM on April 19, 2005

spazzm: second that, but actually europeans are less gullible *flamebait* but never worry we're screwing our education system as much as yours is now. See you soon in idiotland.
posted by elpapacito at 5:41 AM on April 19, 2005

mmm, bread.
posted by tomplus2 at 7:26 AM on April 19, 2005

Am I the only one that sees this as a very funny parody of the old chestnut that ends with " and they started out just smoking pot" ? Maybe I need those brain cells back after all......
posted by Yer-Ol-Pal at 7:42 AM on April 19, 2005

One man's pain is another man's daily bread. /vaguefrenchjesuspun
posted by AlexReynolds at 8:24 AM on April 19, 2005

It's also a fact that every murderer, rapist and drug dealer has consumed milk in their lives. Milk is therefore a gateway drug! It's not a coincidence that most breads contain milk!
posted by clevershark at 8:34 AM on April 19, 2005

posted by weston at 9:09 AM on April 19, 2005

Military E-3 and below can still be put on bread and water rations as a non-judicial punishment.
posted by buzzman at 10:45 AM on April 19, 2005

You'll pry my bread out of my cold, dead hands.
posted by deborah at 10:58 AM on April 19, 2005

It's also a witty demonstration of the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy.
posted by jonp72 at 12:29 PM on April 19, 2005

> It sounds like a rather poor copy of the very funny
> dihydrogen monoxide site.

I thought it was a rip-off of the old alt.drugs 'W' FAQ.

http://www.psychoactive.com/h2o.html
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:32 PM on April 19, 2005

My favorite:
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

I am going to remember that and use it someplace else :-))
posted by Goofyy at 3:02 AM on April 20, 2005

Brought to you courtesy of the bread council.

Meanwhile - I guess nobody here has heard of Candida Albicans.
posted by troutfishing at 8:46 PM on April 20, 2005