Surviving the Attack
April 21, 2005 10:51 AM   Subscribe

How to Survive a Zombie Attack. Here goes nothing: If you've ever wanted to have a full plan of surviving an impending Zombie attack, via k5.
posted by virga (24 comments total)
 
Very sensible advice.
posted by agregoli at 10:56 AM on April 21, 2005


I had thought the Minuteman militia already were zombies
posted by TimothyMason at 11:05 AM on April 21, 2005




I send my brain on ahead of me in an armoured car & pick it up later. This usually does the trick.
posted by stinkycheese at 11:12 AM on April 21, 2005


i'm counting on all the zombines being taken to heaven where god will deal with them in His uniquely harsh and stridently unforgiving manner.
posted by three blind mice at 11:14 AM on April 21, 2005


As a Canadian, I think the best strategy would be to join the Conservative party and wear a sign of that membership at all times. This'll convince the zombies that you have nothing they want.
posted by clevershark at 11:21 AM on April 21, 2005


Heh -

Life as a zombie offers several advantages to your prior existence:

1. Sentience has a price. Zombies are free of considerations such as fear of death, need to know "what's out there," etc.
2. Zombies are not expected to form a plan or decide what to do with their life. As a zombie, achievement of your goals is virtually assured.
3. Zombies cannot be embarrassed, jilted, feel pressure to conform, or suffer from poor self-esteem. As a zombie, you will not be in any way ashamed or guilty about doing whatever you want, whenever you want. Of course, what you want will be to shamble after people and eat their brains.
4. If you choose to become a zombie, you can avoid all the hard work described in the article. In trying to remain unturned, apparently you will need to build a fortress, raise a crop of vegetables, repeatedly load and fire your shotgun, etc., etc. It seems extremely unlikely that you can do all of this without great physical exertion, not to mention a few blisters.
5. Zombies don't get blisters.

In short, perhaps you may decide that the life of a zombie-fighter is for you; but for most people, it simply isn't the right choice. This is probably why, in any given zombie population, so few people choose to become anti-zombie insurgents.

posted by freebird at 11:22 AM on April 21, 2005


What I want to see is a Zombie Fetishist survival guide.
posted by adamms222 at 11:45 AM on April 21, 2005


As someone points out in the K5 comments, Mel Brooks' son has already written a complete book on the topic. (Not that this isn't a pretty funny essay, but still.)
posted by LairBob at 11:50 AM on April 21, 2005



How to survive a zombie attack - Shotgun and rocket boots!
posted by anthill at 12:43 PM on April 21, 2005


1. Sentience has a price. Zombies are free of considerations such as fear of death, need to know "what's out there," etc.
2. Zombies are not expected to form a plan or decide what to do with their life. As a zombie, achievement of your goals is virtually assured.
3. Zombies cannot be embarrassed, jilted, feel pressure to conform, or suffer from poor self-esteem. As a zombie, you will not be in any way ashamed or guilty about doing whatever you want, whenever you want. Of course, what you want will be to shamble after people and eat their brains.
4. If you choose to become a zombie, you can avoid all the hard work described in the article. In trying to remain unturned, apparently you will need to build a fortress, raise a crop of vegetables, repeatedly load and fire your shotgun, etc., etc. It seems extremely unlikely that you can do all of this without great physical exertion, not to mention a few blisters.
5. Zombies don't get blisters.


Basically, reasons 1-4 describe a separation from earthly desires, since those desires (when unfulfilled) lead to suffering. Am I to understand that zombies are essentially Buddhists?

I believe reason #5 is up for debate.
posted by LionIndex at 12:52 PM on April 21, 2005


...Did someone say Zombie?
posted by obloquy at 1:03 PM on April 21, 2005


You know, I was watching Dawn of the Dead just the other night and I got to thinking there ought to be some kind of survival guide for such an event. I now feel prepared.
posted by hojoki at 1:07 PM on April 21, 2005


looks like my first post == success. w00t.
posted by virga at 1:14 PM on April 21, 2005


I can't believe he is going to go to such a crowded place as Walmart with 30 yards of glass doors to hole up when Z-day goes down!!

find a safer building with limited access, a Home Depot,a bank, a pharmacy, anyplace with metal shutters on the doors and no windows within 15 feet of the ground.

Security over Twinkies!! you can live 40 days without food, and 0 days with your entrails being strung out like a cats cradle by the a band of undead brain munchers.
posted by Megafly at 1:22 PM on April 21, 2005


I can't believe he is going to go to such a crowded place as Walmart with 30 yards of glass doors to hole up when Z-day goes down!!

I've always found that funny about the original DotD (except with JC Penney instead of Walmart, I guess). Granted, if the zombies are indeed slow, uncoordinated and brainless, it's possible that they never figure out how to break the windows, but still one can foresee at least one accidental window-breaking.
posted by clevershark at 1:29 PM on April 21, 2005


virga:

a) No one cares it was your first post

and

b) Great post.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:01 PM on April 21, 2005


Additionally, It'd probably be useful to know the location of your local National Guard or Army base. Since they're all over in Iraq, you can drive up and take advantage of their plentiful firepower and supplies. Between shooting zombies in the head with a .50cal, you and the handful of guards at the base can have BBQs! Or, you can take a tank for a joyride and see how many zombies you can squish.
posted by Jon-o at 2:49 PM on April 21, 2005


Let me state, yet again, that any discussion about zombies ends with my comments..... Unless you're George Romero, I can trump ya regarding the zombie experience. (avoiding a self link to me in zombie makeup for DODT'04)

That said...there is no survival...just lay down on the ground and show us your neck..it's always a good place to start!
posted by HuronBob at 3:09 PM on April 21, 2005


I didn't know Max Brooks was Mel's son. Wow.
The Zombie Survival Guide is a nifty book. Excellent bathroom reading.
I enjoyed the edge of humor approach - very serious straightforward good advice until you realize your reading a serious book about zombies.
From a hardware standpoint, it seems my house is good to go for a serious zombie attack (well fortified and stocked with machete, crowbars, carbines, common ammo, etc, etc).
Of course we're screwed if it's something else.

I especially like the "sex and zombies" portion. In essence Brooks says advice would be worthless since anyone crazy enough to try it would be SO crazy as to invalidate pretty much anything they have to say.

At least mankind would have a common enemy.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:23 PM on April 21, 2005


Eh, this guide is dangerously inaccurate and completely unoriginal when compared to the greatest piece of literature ever written. My autographed copy of Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide continues to keep me up at night knowing that I am woefully unprepared for a class 4 outbreak. Although it can be found in the humor section, it is a legitimate survival tract and reading it will make zombies very real in your mind.

"I think someone needs to publish a zombie survival guide to help these people out. And that someone is me"


I just don't know where this guy gets off thinking he's original.
posted by TheGoldenOne at 3:26 PM on April 21, 2005


A NSFW alternative to fighting zombies.
posted by Aknaton at 4:00 PM on April 21, 2005


I just don't know where this guy gets off thinking he's original.
Apparently Aknaton gets off somewhere else.

I don't know that' I'd call that "fighting" exactly....*chuckles*
posted by Smedleyman at 4:19 PM on April 21, 2005


Screw all that Wal-Mart crap, why not just use a well-stocked standard issue bomb shelter?
posted by furiousxgeorge at 12:43 AM on April 22, 2005


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