Mattingly! Shave those sideburns!

May 14, 2005 6:52 PM

The Perfect Sideburns in just five minutes? Can it really be that easy? Why, this is a product fit for a king!
posted by Robot Johnny (28 comments total)

I have these things on the sides of my head that I use as reference points, ears!
posted by lee at 6:57 PM on May 14, 2005

Argh.
Can I have perfect sideburns? Or any sideburns?

Can't grow em. Would kill for em.

(ooh... headline: "Local man killed for sideburns"...)
posted by dreamsign at 7:00 PM on May 14, 2005

This is goddamn genius. Really. I love you guys.
posted by fungible at 7:23 PM on May 14, 2005

Hey, that's cool. I mean, I would never be caught using them, because they look really silly, but I like the idea. I don't know how many times I trimmed my sideburns (when I had them) up higher than I wanted because I couldn't get them right and had to keep fixing, one side to the next.

Also, am I the only one who didn't see these things as shaving aids? When I first looked at the pictures in the first link, I thought that the guy was somehow applying sideburns to his head. Like there were adhesive sideburns on the inside, then he would peel the backing off. Or some sideburn-like material was sprayed through the holes. Glad to see that they're just templates.

Awesome quote from the home page: Bangs make women look Younger... and Sideburns make men look Bolder. And don't miss the full demonstration of the entire set, including video.
posted by dammitjim at 7:24 PM on May 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

my ears are at different heights...bad reference point for sideburns. these are truly amazing inventions.

[though, since my ears are different heights...the glasses would sit crooked. I think maybe i need a self-leveling laser guide.]
posted by th3ph17 at 7:51 PM on May 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

Groovy, Baby, Groovy.
posted by Trik at 7:53 PM on May 14, 2005

lolol...at first glance, I thought this was actually *producing* the sideburns...then I scrolled down on the How Perfect Works page...I was pretty damned impressed up til that point !
posted by gren at 8:08 PM on May 14, 2005

If the Interweb were around in the 1970s (okay, name any sideburn-loving decade), it would be full of sites like this one.
posted by Ricky_gr10 at 8:18 PM on May 14, 2005

I'm guessing the pics are of the inventor?
posted by tomplus2 at 8:23 PM on May 14, 2005

As someone who lovingly maintains his sideburns as an AVD (Anti-victim device), the key is this: cut them of 3/4 of an inch below the earlobe and let them be about 3/4 of an inch thick.
posted by jonmc at 8:34 PM on May 14, 2005

Geez, this is so 20th century. I'm tempted to invent my own rival device using a couple of those laser levels you can get at hardware stores. Just trim along the glowing red line...
posted by GoatCactus at 8:52 PM on May 14, 2005

and i thought i'd seen just about everything by now.
guide-burns?
why not just make a reverse template and spray them on with that infomercial hair flocking spray?
posted by emdog at 8:56 PM on May 14, 2005

Hey, these are stylish! Do they come in sunglasses?
posted by Caviar at 9:41 PM on May 14, 2005

I'm only here for the post title. Nice one.
posted by bitpart at 9:54 PM on May 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

He looked better before the shaving.
posted by BoringPostcards at 10:06 PM on May 14, 2005

Yeah. After his sideburns are gone, he still looks like a guy from 1977 who should have sideburns.

Poor bastard.
posted by blacklite at 10:37 PM on May 14, 2005

[This is guide]
posted by jimfl at 11:25 PM on May 14, 2005

I noticed that it didn't come with an instruction manual in Croatian. They are really overlooking the overseas markets.
posted by thosebastards at 12:05 AM on May 15, 2005

I'm guessing the pics are of the inventor?

No, this is the guy that comes with the product.

It's not for your sideburns.
posted by santiagogo at 12:09 AM on May 15, 2005

croatian market?
me and my brathahs and sistahs in zagreb just use sheep shears, but now i get it.
this guy lives in pahrump, nv; that's just outside what happens, stays in vegas. he could sell enough of those to the elvis impersonators to retire on.
posted by emdog at 12:45 AM on May 15, 2005

I remember a guy in university who had the biggest damn sideburns I've ever seen...it's as if he grew a full beard and just shaved a channel in the middle. Strange shape too...like two big hairy pork chops stuck to his face.
posted by bachelor#3 at 8:19 AM on May 15, 2005

Until fairly recently I had pretty big rockabilly sideburns. The idea that you need this sort of contraption to trim them neatly is... wrong. These belong in the great dustbin of useless inventions, along with the hinged "omelette pan" and 90% of the "Innovations" catalogue.
posted by Decani at 2:58 PM on May 15, 2005 [1 favorite]

hairy pork chops

and that's what they were called; pork chop sideburns and the larger ones were called mutton chops.
posted by emdog at 3:00 PM on May 15, 2005

do they do a pubic equivalent for that perfect quim?
posted by 0bvious at 9:00 PM on May 15, 2005

posted by Faint of Butt at 4:35 AM on May 16, 2005

posted by cheerleaders_to_your_funeral at 6:21 AM on May 16, 2005

jonmc, could you speak more to your use of chops as an AVD? Is it just a punk motif you're going for? I'm curious how this is affecting your view of being potentially victimized outside of looking "scruffy" as opposed to "$$groomed$$"
posted by cavalier at 11:40 AM on May 16, 2005

Whoo-hoo, the 70s are BACK!



....crap, the 70s are back. :(
posted by deusdiabolus at 12:06 AM on May 17, 2005