No pain, no gain.

June 24, 2005 2:53 PM

“Thank you for your recent E-mail. I appreciate your concern. However, I am, at this time, completely satisfied with the size of my penis.” Says a Gizmodo post: Now I consider myself fairly well versed in penis lengthening—a skill introduced to me, inadvertently, by my 6th grade math teacher—but I did not realize one could become a medical doctor and specialize in the topic. They also point to a similar device mentioned in an earlier post. Ow.
posted by spock (11 comments total)

posted by spock at 2:54 PM on June 24, 2005

NO!
posted by puke & cry at 3:11 PM on June 24, 2005 [1 favorite]

For that long and stringy look the ladies love.
posted by adgnyc at 3:21 PM on June 24, 2005

There's one particularly great piece of junkmail that's been showing up in my gmail spam folder repeatedly: "Don't buy her flowers, give her MILK -- increase your cum volume". The machismo / maternal crossover is just so fucked up.
posted by ori at 4:10 PM on June 24, 2005

Heheh Ori. I see that one a lot. How warped did the male species become that load volume is the determining factor in one's manhood? I used to get one that said I could increase my "output by 180%!". Christ, I just want to make babies - not drown someone.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 5:44 PM on June 24, 2005

I do appreciate my penis enlargement and porn spam for the fact that the sender names are generated by some sort of awesome word combining algorithm.
For instance:

Prizefight G. Cuticle

Fireball R. Devilment

Tiberius S. Gonad

Canvasser K. Saturnine

At least I can chuckle at those while I'm deleting them.
posted by Derive the Hamiltonian of... at 7:09 PM on June 24, 2005

Nothing from Rufus T. Firefly? For shame.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:54 PM on June 24, 2005

Ruben Bolling's "Caption E-Contest" from a few weeks ago killed me:


posted by gramschmidt at 8:05 PM on June 24, 2005

From the Gizmodo link:

You probably are wondering if this product really works or is just another useless device that won't help.

No, I wasn't wondering that at all, actually. I have a pretty damn good idea which way that particular ball bounces.
posted by yhbc at 8:13 PM on June 24, 2005

Enjoyed the "completely satisfied" cartoon. Some days sifting through the junk mail for any authentic mail is funny but mostly it's irksome, grrrrr.
posted by nickyskye at 5:57 AM on June 25, 2005

"Dear Sir/Madam - Thank you for your kind and tempting product offer, but I find your product unecessary as I have already achieved my target size for the length and girth of my member (exactly matched to the corresponding sexual organ possesed by my dear wife) by means of certain secret methods I acquired while travelling in Bali. I was enjoying a number of refreshing alcoholic beverages with an elder of his village who, after the third such beverage (the name of which escapes me at the moment), began to boast of the size of his sexual organ. I expressed my incredulity, at which point the man opened his garment and displayed the monstrous object. I was suitably impressed and asked him if the trait ran in his family. No, he replied, we have certain methods. Two drinks later, a bribe of several hundred ( US$ ) had secured a promise to reveal these methods.

The man was true to his word and, I'll have to tell you - after 6 months during which I daily employed this curious Balinese cocktail of stretching techniques, breath control, the use of lead weights, and also a foul-tasting herbal mixture - my sexual organ quickly grew to unexpected proportions. The experiment was so successful, in fact, that my wife requested at the 13th month that I stop my regimen.

I am writing to extend to you a special, one time only business
offer............."


Then, there's that Hindu fakir who picks up loads of bricks with his.
posted by troutfishing at 1:25 PM on June 25, 2005