And get yourself free...

July 1, 2005 10:00 PM

That damn Paul Simon sold us short! Here are the other 45 ways to leave your lover.
posted by danb (29 comments total)

Jeez, danb, if you reach inside, deep deep inside, I know you will find a better link than this.
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:06 PM on July 1, 2005

Maybe it's because I'm a Paul Simon fan, but that was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Sorry if it wasn't up to your standards.
posted by danb at 10:28 PM on July 1, 2005

I hate when someone posts something that is supposed to be funny, then a gaggle of people show up saying it is, or isn't, funny, and then it turns into a yelling match over what is funny, and what isn't, what constitutes comedy, etc etc.

With that said, this was not funny.

At all.

34. Don’t let her fool ‘ya, Julia

Yech.
posted by Ynoxas at 11:03 PM on July 1, 2005

I'm with danb - very funny
posted by joedharma at 11:16 PM on July 1, 2005

First one to complain that this belittles the plight of people who are victims of violent relationships gets a kick in the crotch, (what name rhymes with 'crotch'?)
posted by Extopalopaketle at 11:45 PM on July 1, 2005

I especially liked:

18. Try to poke her mom, Tom

And:

30. Bury her alive, Clive

I'm a Paul Simon fan, too, danb. Thanks. :-)
posted by Chasuk at 11:45 PM on July 1, 2005

oh yeah: moderately amusing.
posted by Extopalopaketle at 11:46 PM on July 1, 2005

That bald guy on Letterman's show?
posted by TwelveTwo at 12:24 AM on July 2, 2005

I'm a huge Paul Simon fan. This was pathetic, on par with wacky weird al song parodies. Just really, really lame.
posted by jonson at 12:45 AM on July 2, 2005

Hey jonson, what about parodies of wacky Weird Al parodies?
posted by davy at 1:03 AM on July 2, 2005

At this risk of turning this into a (shudder) discussion - I didn't find this too funny (some were good but like the 50 funniest things about the death of the pope it was inconsistent), but I'm totally OK with it being linked. After all, certainly some of the people who clicked liked it, and I just posted some obscure stuff that not everyone will like. Not every post can be an epic, sometimes you just want to say, hey, maybe you'll like this as much as I did.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 1:05 AM on July 2, 2005

Some are interesting, but a lot of them aren't funny at all. Take #1 for instance:

1. Change your name to Hannah, Diana

Is there a joke here I'm not getting?
posted by Goblindegook at 2:07 AM on July 2, 2005

Harvest his kidney, Cindy
Sidney wasn't available?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 2:09 AM on July 2, 2005

This takes me back to 1975 - My father, howling with laughter, comes out of the toilet with a yellow legal pad. "I've just written a song: 'Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver!'"

I can't remember a single line, but it was all there. His father (who died rather young) wrote ditties, too. Dad showed me a whole cardboard carton full of his songs.
posted by planetkyoto at 3:39 AM on July 2, 2005

In 1991 British magazine YOU published a similar item, by journos John Kosky and Mitchell Symons. Here is their list:

Send her a fax, Max
Speak after the tone, Joan
Just change the lock, Jock
Place a small ad, Brad
Use your air miles, Giles
Drop out of sight, Dwight
Tell him the truth, Ruth
Get on your bike, Mike
Get you girl to call his girl, Shirl

Much simpler, but also funnier in my opinion!
posted by dov at 4:38 AM on July 2, 2005

make other plans, rosecrans.
posted by quonsar at 4:48 AM on July 2, 2005

Well, I'm glad some of you liked that, but it looks like on balance it got a lukewarm reception. I'll be more selective with future links, if any.
posted by danb at 5:42 AM on July 2, 2005

make for Antigua, Shaniqua
posted by horsewithnoname at 5:43 AM on July 2, 2005

Dov: I agree those examples were much better.

The only good one from the first link was "Fake your own death, Beth." Otherwise, I should have passed. My mistake.
posted by piratebowling at 5:55 AM on July 2, 2005

16. Make her whip corn, Rip Torn

Some one want to explain this one to me? My mind is reeling with possibilities.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:36 AM on July 2, 2005

interesting how the new phrases are much more violent than the ones from the song ever thought of being ...
posted by pyramid termite at 6:38 AM on July 2, 2005

There are other variations of this. (The second one is the one I remember)
posted by SisterHavana at 7:40 AM on July 2, 2005

the new phrases are much more violent

Punch her with an awl, Paul

That is not in the spirit of the original song! heh
posted by nervousfritz at 9:37 AM on July 2, 2005

Oooh!

Rent a private jet, Edwin.
Mail him a nice letter, Wanda.
Move to Roanoke, Timmy.


What?
posted by climalene at 11:09 AM on July 2, 2005

Actually, between the FPP link, sisterHavana's links and dov's list, you could cherry-pick 45 funny ones.

But I'm surprised nobody did:
Hire a lawyer, Sawyer.
Take out a restaining order, Porter.
Boil a bunny, Honey.
Disappear without a trace, Grace. (not reccommended unless you want to become a major news story)
Write a "Dear John", Yvonne.
Write a "Dear Jane", Wayne.
Turn her in to the cops, Pops.
Go kamikaze, Kwase. (this one is bad on multiple levels)
Join the Navy, Davy.
Or the Marines, Dean. (or Jean)
Get a clue, Drew!
Grow a brain, Dwayne.
Just hire a van, Anne.
Or a U-Haul, Paul.
Just change your address, Bess.
Or just complain that she won't do what your other girlfriend'll, Wendell.
Just pack up for goin' far, quonsar.

I did a list of these way back when the song was semi-current... It's a low-impact non-aerobic mental exercise.
posted by wendell at 1:17 PM on July 2, 2005

Hmm.

Find a new man, Anne.
posted by artsyfartsy at 4:33 PM on July 2, 2005

"Go mary a homo, Shlomo."

That's from the Harvard Lampoon, if memory serves.
posted by Eothele at 9:20 PM on July 2, 2005

Practice autofellatio, Horatio.
posted by pracowity at 1:36 AM on July 3, 2005

when I was 12 my friend did a parody named
"50 ways to cleave your mother."
THAT was funnier than these.
posted by Busithoth at 2:06 PM on July 3, 2005