# Finding a girlfriend is a impossible - the proffJuly 29, 2005 8:29 PM   Subscribe

Mathematical proof Mathematical proof that it is impossible to find a girlfriend. "Without going into the specifics of precisely which traits I admire, I will say that for a girl to be considered really beautiful to me, she should fall at least two standard deviations above the norm." -pdf here- via
posted by bigmusic (26 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

Yep i screwed this post up. Please point it out to me.
posted by bigmusic at 8:31 PM on July 29, 2005

There is a mere 50% chance that any given female will consider me even marginally attractive

Um, that's generous. It's not a coin flip. But anyway,I'm more interested in the openly stated double standard:

In practice, however, people are unlikely to consider pursuing a relationship with someone whose looks and personality just barely suffice. Let's make the rather conservative assumption, then, that a girl would go out with someone if and only if they were at least one standard deviation above her idea of average.

So she's gotta be at two standard deviations above the average for the guy to like her, but she'll be perfectly satisfied with a guy who's in the minor leagues. Whatever. Carry your high standards to a lonely grave, my friend.
posted by Miko at 8:39 PM on July 29, 2005

yeah, what a moron. He requires two standard deviations, but expects them to accept only one. weak.
posted by delmoi at 8:46 PM on July 29, 2005

Hmm.. Is it any wonder this guy's german?
posted by delmoi at 8:48 PM on July 29, 2005

That was remarkably meh. However, this reply is awesomeness.
posted by iron chef morimoto at 8:50 PM on July 29, 2005

Heh. He could write a second one "Why I Am Going to Hell".
posted by Miko at 8:51 PM on July 29, 2005

i wish i could vote bad on this
posted by drgonzo at 9:01 PM on July 29, 2005

Hmm.. Is it any wonder this guy's german?

Except that if you read the FUQ, he says "The first twenty-one years of my life were spent in a little North American town called Regina"
posted by Pigpen at 9:27 PM on July 29, 2005

With that attitude, he's nowhere near one standard deviation above average - more like two or three below. Attitude counts more than looks and a bad attitude is the ugliest thing on earth, as anybody older than 25 should realize.

I will guarantee that if he does hook up with an attractive girl, a year later he'll be complaining about her being a psycho bitch or a whiney whore. This is partly because only an insane woman would have anything to do with this moron, but also partly because no woman will ever be good enough for His Majesty. He will always find something wrong about anybody he has a relationship with.

I'm not surprised he's from Regina.
posted by watsondog at 9:47 PM on July 29, 2005

Perhaps I should have noted that this is a humor piece.
posted by bigmusic at 10:08 PM on July 29, 2005

I remember doing this sort of calculation when I was 14. 22 years later, my girlfriend and I are happy together and have two kids.

What this calculation doesn't take into account is that you have to adjust to find, please and retain the girlfriend you fancy. Everytime you do that,
you explore an other (possibly slightly overlapping) space of `â€¦and also might like me.'
posted by NewBornHippy at 11:20 PM on July 29, 2005

What a loser. Maybe he doesn't have a girlfriend because he's both unfunny and a bad mathematician.

Getting a girlfriend is a really easy thing to do, so long as you're honest with yourself, emotionally open to others, and you're willing to ask the world for what you want. I have two wonderful partners and no space right now in my life for other serious relationships, but I bet I could find another good potential partner in short order, and could find a date or two within a week, if not in days.

I didn't always feel this way, in part because I was quite shy and insecure when I was younger, but it was all pretty pointless in retrospect. I should've been less reclusive, shoegazery, and alcohol-sodden, and spent more time making out with cute gothy art students and computer geekettes instead.
posted by insomnia_lj at 11:34 PM on July 29, 2005

Is there a "mathematical proof" page that proves how lame all mathematical proof jokes are?
posted by pracowity at 12:39 AM on July 30, 2005

The stats aren't that much better for women, Newsweek once did a story in the 1980's that once you hit 30 your chances of getting married were 20%, if you were 35 you only had a 5% chance of getting married, and at 40 you were more likely to be killed by terrorists than get married. Though I would guess things are different nowadays as getting killed by terrorists seems to happen more often.
posted by bobo123 at 12:39 AM on July 30, 2005

The stats aren't that much better for women, Newsweek once did a story in the 1980's that once you hit 30 your chances of getting married were 20%, if you were 35 you only had a 5% chance of getting married, and at 40 you were more likely to be killed by terrorists than get married. Though I would guess things are different nowadays as getting killed by terrorists seems to happen more often.

This pattern is easily explained. Women get smarter as they get older.
posted by srboisvert at 1:09 AM on July 30, 2005

(Hey, I somehow know that guy, he's at my university!) Although he wrote that stuff some years ago in a completely different place, that kind of attitude is very common among students (etc.) in Kaiserslautern. The university specializes on science and engineering with all the typical consequences, the city is bleak and boring; so darkness and despair lurk in the hearts of many.

If he still feels that way (five years being ample time to rethink and such), now he's at home. Or at least in likeminded company.
posted by erdferkel at 1:18 AM on July 30, 2005

yeah, what a moron. He requires two standard deviations, but expects them to accept only one. weak.

um...from the article:

Let's make the rather conservative assumption, then, that a girl would go out with someone if and only if they were at least one standard deviation above her idea of average.

that's conservative in terms of the strength of the conclusion. he doesn't expect 1 s.d., he supposes 1 s.d. to show that his conclusion still holds under a "conservative assumption": a greater number of s.d. above average required for acceptance only strengthens his conclusion.
posted by juv3nal at 1:35 AM on July 30, 2005

Meh.. If you wanted to say this intellegently, you'd simply argue that: 10,000 years ago a significant precentage of males killed one another off, forcing the womeen to be less choosy about who harem they joined. But that seems like a waist of time.

In truth, any given man or woman can improve his or her relationship and dating skillz by simply dating more. You know, date those people who seem to want you and you might not want at first.

If you absolutely must try to undedrstand the opposite sex, almost all common behavior derives from these two principles:

1) A guy's genes want to get every girl he meets pregnant, but help raise the kids of the one who is likely too have the best kids.

2) A girl's genes want to get her pregnant by the alpha male, but convince some more reliable guy that he is the father.

For example, the two "but" points explain why you have all those amazing platonic female friends who don't want to sleep with you.
posted by jeffburdges at 3:43 AM on July 30, 2005

Even if he gets a girlfriend, it would be detrimental to his studies. So he's probably better without one.
posted by CrunchyFrog at 5:57 AM on July 30, 2005

This is always true:

When you have a woman, all the other women want you.

When you don't have a woman, none of them will have you.

I cannot explain this, but it is true.
posted by Shouting at 9:36 AM on July 30, 2005

shouting - my greek & roman mythology professor used that same idea to explain the nature of love in myth. so it must be true.
posted by timory at 10:02 AM on July 30, 2005

When you have a woman, all the other women want you.

Yeah, I was standing at a club wondering why all these girls were rubbing their breasts on my arm as they walked by and then I realized, oh yeah, I am standing next to and talking to a French fashion model.

Also, why is it that when a woman describes what she values in a man, she never goes for the guy that fits that description?
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:34 AM on July 30, 2005

Also, why is it that when a woman describes what she values in a man, she never goes for the guy that fits that description?

Because, women, by any rational standard, are insane. But then again so are men.
posted by jonmc at 3:57 PM on July 30, 2005

Damn it, insomnia_lj! You polyamorists are ruining the equation for the rest of us!
posted by Ritchie at 9:04 PM on July 30, 2005

Ummm... why are so many of you taking this obviously tongue-in-cheek piece seriously? Did the place get a humour by-pass while I was away? And no, it isn't necessarily true that something is not funny if you have to be told it's supposed to be funny. That might just mean that it's funny and you're thick.
posted by Decani at 9:00 AM on July 31, 2005

The article makes sense to me.
Well, from positive point of view, if someone can win the odd against millions of others on 649, it's still possible for you to meet "one of the 18 726", isn't it?
posted by squ1rr3l at 12:23 AM on August 1, 2005

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