Crap Post of the Day
August 15, 2005 12:29 PM Subscribe
Is this the cream of British humo[u]r, or just a pile of crap? Crap jobs, crap towns, and crap holidays, described with that classically British self-deprecating wit. And for those who prefer a more serious Britishness, try Crap Arrest of the Week on this week's edition of the excellent Schnews radical news site.
The Idler is a site filled with gems, many happy hours of surfing. Unfortunately, I think their site just crashed, heh, sorry guys!
Fortunately, I am able to mirror the entry for Dover:
Most people when thinking of Dover think it will be horrible because of the immigration problems. They are Daily Mail readers, and therefore wrong and stupid.
Immigrants are the best thing that ever happened to Dover, balancing out the hordes of horrible 12 year old mothers, fat till workers called Stacey and skagheads who intimidate you into giving them change.
This is the first place foreigners will see when arriving by boat. No wonder nobody comes here on holiday.
[Note for US readers: "Skagheads" = heroin addicts. "Till workers" = Wal-Mart employees.]
posted by cleardawn at 12:51 PM on August 15, 2005
Fortunately, I am able to mirror the entry for Dover:
Most people when thinking of Dover think it will be horrible because of the immigration problems. They are Daily Mail readers, and therefore wrong and stupid.
Immigrants are the best thing that ever happened to Dover, balancing out the hordes of horrible 12 year old mothers, fat till workers called Stacey and skagheads who intimidate you into giving them change.
This is the first place foreigners will see when arriving by boat. No wonder nobody comes here on holiday.
[Note for US readers: "Skagheads" = heroin addicts. "Till workers" = Wal-Mart employees.]
posted by cleardawn at 12:51 PM on August 15, 2005
The entry for Orlando, Florida is pretty good, too.
posted by cleardawn at 12:58 PM on August 15, 2005
posted by cleardawn at 12:58 PM on August 15, 2005
I was asking for it, heaven knows. At least nobody has yet said "craptastic".
Oh.
posted by cleardawn at 2:14 PM on August 15, 2005
Oh.
posted by cleardawn at 2:14 PM on August 15, 2005
Do Americans ever even have experiences like this, let alone admit to it?
posted by cleardawn at 3:17 PM on August 15, 2005
posted by cleardawn at 3:17 PM on August 15, 2005
Another wonderful crap-town site: this is haywards heath - which is a town mentioned in idler and rather near me.
British sense of humour required.
posted by iso_bars at 3:45 PM on August 15, 2005
British sense of humour required.
posted by iso_bars at 3:45 PM on August 15, 2005
The Quebec "crap holiday" entry is, well, crap. It aptly describes a family led by a complete moron -- a moron especially in that living in nearby Ottawa he should have bloody well known better -- deliberately picking out a tourist trap and then complaining that it's a tourist trap. Idiot.
Also he's apparently too clueless to have noted the name of the place he actually went to, which is "Hemmingford".
posted by clevershark at 4:27 PM on August 15, 2005
Also he's apparently too clueless to have noted the name of the place he actually went to, which is "Hemmingford".
posted by clevershark at 4:27 PM on August 15, 2005
I'm glad to see that Liverpool made the list. It's a lot like any other mid-sized British city, except with every single bit of vegetation ripped out of the ground and replaced with some sort of a concrete thing.
posted by clevershark at 4:31 PM on August 15, 2005
posted by clevershark at 4:31 PM on August 15, 2005
Booo! Booo! Booo!.
I can't believe Halifax made the list.
posted by seanyboy at 4:36 PM on August 15, 2005
I can't believe Halifax made the list.
posted by seanyboy at 4:36 PM on August 15, 2005
Holiday goers to the seaside in Portsmouth rarely venture from their cars, and sit, glassy-eyed, flask of tea and soggy sandwich in hand, staring out at the grey horizon and wondering, presumably, how to end their lives.
Now THAT is comedy gold!
posted by clevershark at 4:42 PM on August 15, 2005
Now THAT is comedy gold!
posted by clevershark at 4:42 PM on August 15, 2005
Seanyboy: Really? The town centre is a bit of a dump now.
Also, Halifax doesn't have a cinema anymore, just the abomination that is Jumping Jack's. Without a cinema, a town is barely worthy of the name. Even Elland has a cinema, for pity's sake. It needs to be downgraded to "large village" or something.
Still, I grew up there, so I'll always have a soft spot for the place - and there's some spectacular countryside within easy reach.
OK, it's not Todmorden ( incidentally, NEVER mention you're from Todmorden whilst in Germany. Somewhat unfortunately - if appropriately, given the town's murdering doctor, Harold Shipman, "Tod" means "death", and "morden", "murder" ) but it still deserves to be tarred with the crappy brush, I'm afraid.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:27 PM on August 15, 2005
Also, Halifax doesn't have a cinema anymore, just the abomination that is Jumping Jack's. Without a cinema, a town is barely worthy of the name. Even Elland has a cinema, for pity's sake. It needs to be downgraded to "large village" or something.
Still, I grew up there, so I'll always have a soft spot for the place - and there's some spectacular countryside within easy reach.
OK, it's not Todmorden ( incidentally, NEVER mention you're from Todmorden whilst in Germany. Somewhat unfortunately - if appropriately, given the town's murdering doctor, Harold Shipman, "Tod" means "death", and "morden", "murder" ) but it still deserves to be tarred with the crappy brush, I'm afraid.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:27 PM on August 15, 2005
> I'm glad to see that Liverpool made the list
They clearly learned a thing or two about stealing while they
were here, because all of the so-called 'jokes' in that article
were stolen from the old jokes home.
> every single bit of vegetation ripped out of the ground
You must be thinking about some other Liverpool, because
that certainly doesn't describe the one that *I've* lived in
for the last fifty years.
The Liverpool that I live in has some of the finest Victorian
and Gothic revival architecture in the UK, and was rightly
celebrated for such by Pevsner.
It also has many fine grand Victorian parks -- all within the
centre of the city. The bigger ones include Sefton Park,
Princes Park, Stanley Park, Calderstones Park, Clarke Gardens,
Ness Botanic Gardens. Venture across the water, and you
have the park that provided the model for New York's
Central Park over in Birkenhead Park.
Where I live, in Crosby, not only has a beach, it has a beach
that is currently occupied by Anthony Gormley's wonderful
piece of work, Another Place.
I certainly wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:43 PM on August 15, 2005
They clearly learned a thing or two about stealing while they
were here, because all of the so-called 'jokes' in that article
were stolen from the old jokes home.
> every single bit of vegetation ripped out of the ground
You must be thinking about some other Liverpool, because
that certainly doesn't describe the one that *I've* lived in
for the last fifty years.
The Liverpool that I live in has some of the finest Victorian
and Gothic revival architecture in the UK, and was rightly
celebrated for such by Pevsner.
It also has many fine grand Victorian parks -- all within the
centre of the city. The bigger ones include Sefton Park,
Princes Park, Stanley Park, Calderstones Park, Clarke Gardens,
Ness Botanic Gardens. Venture across the water, and you
have the park that provided the model for New York's
Central Park over in Birkenhead Park.
Where I live, in Crosby, not only has a beach, it has a beach
that is currently occupied by Anthony Gormley's wonderful
piece of work, Another Place.
I certainly wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:43 PM on August 15, 2005
No cinema, but five theatres. I never understood that myself, but that's how it is. Considering some of the dumpy towns I've lived in, the town centre is fantastic.
Plus, given that both Elland and Bradford are so close and so accessible via the fantastic public transport system, there's no need for a cinema.
I mean - come on. The national museum for film and television is a 10 minute train journey + 10 minute walk (3 trains an hour) from the town centre.
And don't forget that Todmorden is the UFO capital of the UK.
posted by seanyboy at 12:19 AM on August 16, 2005
Plus, given that both Elland and Bradford are so close and so accessible via the fantastic public transport system, there's no need for a cinema.
I mean - come on. The national museum for film and television is a 10 minute train journey + 10 minute walk (3 trains an hour) from the town centre.
And don't forget that Todmorden is the UFO capital of the UK.
posted by seanyboy at 12:19 AM on August 16, 2005
I like Halifax a lot as well, seanyboy. I live in a city, but I like the way that it's a town that works on a more manageable scale, with everywhere pretty well in walking distance.
I like how it's located in a valley, with great views all around. I like the railway line that it's on. I like the market. I like the industrial heritage.
Places like Todmorden and Hebden Bridge are full of lesbians and television producers. Who'd wanna live in one of those places?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:33 AM on August 16, 2005
I like how it's located in a valley, with great views all around. I like the railway line that it's on. I like the market. I like the industrial heritage.
Places like Todmorden and Hebden Bridge are full of lesbians and television producers. Who'd wanna live in one of those places?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:33 AM on August 16, 2005
other lesbians and television producers, presumably?
posted by flameproof at 3:48 AM on August 16, 2005
posted by flameproof at 3:48 AM on August 16, 2005
PeterMcDermott: have you ever been anywhere else?
My favorite Scally building is the grecian-pillared edifice which still features (or did a few years ago), carved into the stonework above the imposing doorway, the words "Liverpool Free Slave Market".
Every time I hear the words "Free Market" I think of that.
posted by cleardawn at 6:14 AM on August 16, 2005
My favorite Scally building is the grecian-pillared edifice which still features (or did a few years ago), carved into the stonework above the imposing doorway, the words "Liverpool Free Slave Market".
Every time I hear the words "Free Market" I think of that.
posted by cleardawn at 6:14 AM on August 16, 2005
Even Bradfordians have no trouble understanding that Halifax made the list.
posted by vbfg at 7:46 AM on August 16, 2005
posted by vbfg at 7:46 AM on August 16, 2005
> have you ever been anywhere else?
I have, but even after being away for a day, I still get a rush
when the train pulls into those huge sandstone tunnels deep
beneath the city that take you into Lime Street Station.
> My favorite Scally building is the grecian-pillared edifice
I presume you're thinking of St. Georges Hall, but you're wrong
about the assumption that it was used as a slave market.
It was actually built as a concert venue, and served as such
until the mid seventies. It's currently undergoing a long overdue
renovation.
Most of the trading was done either down on the docks, or
at Wapping, and very little physical evidence of the trade
has existed for a very long time, but the Maritime Museum
do a very good walking tour of the areas and places
associated with slavery.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:53 AM on August 16, 2005
I have, but even after being away for a day, I still get a rush
when the train pulls into those huge sandstone tunnels deep
beneath the city that take you into Lime Street Station.
> My favorite Scally building is the grecian-pillared edifice
I presume you're thinking of St. Georges Hall, but you're wrong
about the assumption that it was used as a slave market.
It was actually built as a concert venue, and served as such
until the mid seventies. It's currently undergoing a long overdue
renovation.
Most of the trading was done either down on the docks, or
at Wapping, and very little physical evidence of the trade
has existed for a very long time, but the Maritime Museum
do a very good walking tour of the areas and places
associated with slavery.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:53 AM on August 16, 2005
I don't know if it's called St George's Hall or not, but there was in the late 80s (when I lived in Merseyside) a pseudo-classical building that still had the words "Liverpool Free Slave Market" engraved over the door in large letters. It was close to the ferry terminal, and influenced my understanding of capitalism.
If anyone can find a pic or link, I'd be grateful ... I did look, but found nothing.
posted by cleardawn at 2:32 PM on August 16, 2005
If anyone can find a pic or link, I'd be grateful ... I did look, but found nothing.
posted by cleardawn at 2:32 PM on August 16, 2005
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posted by wendell at 12:41 PM on August 15, 2005