Fox News Saves Christmas! (again)

October 22, 2005 3:15 PM

It's almost time for the annual "Christmas Is Under Attack" declaration spewed by Fox News. This is the 10th anniversary of my favorite strawman argument. John Gibson delivers the first shot in this phony culture-war battle with an action packed new book to defeat the anonymous liberal secularists out to destroy Santa.

From Amazon: John Gibson, a popular anchor for the Fox News Channel, has been digging up evidence about the liberal activists, lawyers, politicians, educators, and media people who are leading the war on Christmas. And he reveals that the situation is worse than you can imagine.
posted by DougieZero1982 (70 comments total)

Either Amazon needs to change the title, or there was a last minute title change to make it more anti-liberal.

Last year there was much outrage in the upper midwest because the Vikings-Packers football game was on Christmas Eve in the afternoon. For shame, don't people realize that Christmas Eve is a sacred holiday reserved for last minute shopping?
posted by my sock puppet account at 3:27 PM on October 22, 2005

From one of those Amazon reader reviews:

At first I thought this book was going to be another tired re-hash of the same old problems we've known about for years, with secular liberal satanists trying to keep the United States government (best. government. EVAR.) from making Christmas the one official and true holiday.

Man was I surprised! These LIEberals (get it??) aren't just looking to keep the government out of the religion business, they are -literally waging war on Christmas.- Gibson describes in shocking detail the Battle of Knoxville, where a batallion of mechanized liberal infantry stormed the churches on Christmas Eve and slaughtered anyone celebrating the mass. Or the Storming of the Beaches at Houston, when secular humanist frogmen, behind a wheezing Ted Kennedy, destroyed a group of carolers and stuck their heads on pikes on the highways leading into town, as a warning to any other Christians who were thinking about baking tree cookies or giving presents to their children. Or the Coup of Duluth, where the Democratic Elite Guard overthrew the City Council and immediately issued a fiat banning nativities, and made the hanging of colored lights punishable by summary execution.

THIS BOOK IS A WAKEUP CALL. Thank you, John Gibson. May these demonic forces all enjoy "five to the noggin" before the last remaining Christian is rounded up and sent to their re-education centers (public schools).

Bloody Hell.
posted by tapeguy at 3:31 PM on October 22, 2005

I'm getting this book!... check these entries out:

p.34, "There are 45% fewer Christmas decorations in California than in Texas. Did you know that? Maybe you should think about it for a little bit."

p.55 he describes one winter in 1996, "I was in the heart of Connecticut and the decorations were everywhere, such pretty lights, twinkling in the twilight. And then I looked closer, and I saw that the lights were WHITE lights, not colored lights. And BLUE lights, not red and green lights. And we all know what that means"
posted by DougieZero1982 at 3:33 PM on October 22, 2005

DougieZero1982, how is this a strawman argument? What makes it a phony culture-war battle?

There really _is_ an on ongoing war on Christmas, you know.
posted by peeping_Thomist at 3:33 PM on October 22, 2005

peeping_thimust, Christmas isn't under attack... Bill O'Reilly and the rest of the bunch scan google news for these stories. It's always some city you have never heard of that is having a nativity scene controversy (like every year)... it doesn’t mean anything.
posted by DougieZero1982 at 3:39 PM on October 22, 2005

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Something must be done!
.
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.
.
.
.
.
Let's go shopping and celebrate the true spirit of Christmas in America today.
posted by caddis at 3:39 PM on October 22, 2005

BLUE lights, not red and green lights. And we all know what that means.

NO! What does it mean?? What does it meeeeaaaannnnnnnnnn????

Seriously, tho. I don't get it. Am I a Satanist, or what?
posted by nevercalm at 3:40 PM on October 22, 2005

And we all know why Metafilter is blue, right? The secular satanist conspiracy has you in it's clutches right now!
posted by betaray at 3:41 PM on October 22, 2005

why are everyone talking about christmas ALREADY? huh...let's wait 50 more days... :D Or if you want...rather read something crazy...Robbery Suspect: Old Fat Man in a Red Suit. But yeah..actually every year christmas start two months two early...at least for me as I'm not a big fan of this....event.
posted by mediacurse at 3:47 PM on October 22, 2005

nevercalm, I take his comment on white and blue lights as a veiled bit of anti-Semitism. Maybe I'm not parsing things properly, but that's what it suggests to me.
posted by killdevil at 3:53 PM on October 22, 2005

tapeguy, that is actually really funny. If not for the middle paragraph, though, I'd have thought it a serious review. Now if only someone would explain the "white and blue lights" thing. WHAT DOES IT MEAN MISTER GIBSON

On preview: Wow, is it really possible that the presence of blue lights is scary enough to convince him that The Jews Are Taking Over Connecticut? (I mean, who doesn't get strings of white lights? I've got about eight hundred of them.)
posted by jenovus at 3:55 PM on October 22, 2005

i've been contemplating the first real steps in my personal war on christianity...if i can find a way to steal the book, perhaps i'll employ it as a training manual...

the best holiday slogan: Let's put the X back in X-mas
posted by troybob at 3:55 PM on October 22, 2005

It's a little-known fact, but Bill Clinton actually outlawed Christmas. Seriously. I read it on the intarweb.
posted by scody at 3:56 PM on October 22, 2005

nevercalm, blue and white are the colors of the Isreali flag and increasingly used in Hannukah decorations.

As an atheist who loves Christmas (presents! feasting! pretty things! tearjerker stories about little kids!), I find this whole thing pretty funny.
posted by cali at 3:56 PM on October 22, 2005

And now I'm snickering because I just remembered what state all the Jews in my family live in.
posted by cali at 3:58 PM on October 22, 2005

I prefer this review:
Why Do Morons Have to Post Fake Reviews?, October 21, 2005
Reviewer: Norah Fan from Jersey (Allendale, New Jersey United States)
Do people understand that this is not a bulletin board for whether you like or dislike an author in general, or whether you agree or disagree with ideas you think are in a book you haven't read?
posted by Captaintripps at 3:58 PM on October 22, 2005

BLUE lights, not red and green lights. And we all know what that means.

White and blue? The Greek Orthodox church is trying to destroy Christmas?
posted by gurple at 3:58 PM on October 22, 2005

Well, as long as we get to worship our lord Satan on Halloween...I don't see much of an issue here.
posted by wah at 3:59 PM on October 22, 2005

Hey, as a nice connecticutian, connecticutation?... rich white person of the north (to quote jon stewart), I prefer the white christmas lights (haven't seen blue, sounds more like a partisan attack) instead of the red and green. Its more tame, less gawdy, but still adds a warm feeling.

I take the hippy approach. Wish everyone a happy Winter Solstice, which is an astronomical event not just some wiccan practice. It is less up for grabs than new years, which changes based on which cultural calendar you are referring to. The longest night of the year is the longest night of the year; well, i guess to everyone in the northern hemisphere, don't want to be hemisphericentric.

I guess I will have to stick to equinox's then. Until we have people living on other planets, and we will have a whole mess of difficulty there.

And who is to argue that a war on christmas is unjustified, or un christian? Rampant consumerism, ethnocentric view points, that fat bastard in a red suit, breaking into your house at night, creeps me out.
posted by mrzarquon at 4:00 PM on October 22, 2005

Feh the author is very probably trying to pull a media stunt by a trite yet effective combination of

1. alarmism (under attack !)
2. minority group (christians)
3. secret plot to oppress innocent people
4. group of amoral elites attacking the weak
5. exploitation

there's some hint of truth of course, as in any good story, I guess the exploitation of gullibility, a thousand years old tradition.

Indeed if something so sacred and good as xmas was under attack, would it make any sense to SELL the book ? I'd be making photocopies all around to let everybody know...but I guess the author has to recover from the publication cost.....how much does a photocopy of a book cost when done in mass quantities , like one thousand copies ?
posted by elpapacito at 4:00 PM on October 22, 2005

The Greek Orthodox church is trying to destroy Christmas?

No, the police is! Or would police cars in Connecticut use red lights?
posted by tapeguy at 4:01 PM on October 22, 2005

Harsh, but makes you think.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:04 PM on October 22, 2005

Wolfdog writes 'Harsh, but makes you think.'

Think about how moronic the so called "culture-war" is?
posted by signal at 4:10 PM on October 22, 2005

Metafilter: We all know what the blue and white means.
posted by iron chef morimoto at 4:16 PM on October 22, 2005

Wolfdog: are you going all Princess on us? If so, good luck with your Christmas insurance.
posted by jenovus at 4:19 PM on October 22, 2005

Well, Satanism's one thing, but Jewish??? Man, the Christ-Killers will stop at nothing. I can understand monopolizing good deli, but destroying Christmas®!!??

The bastards. I'm throwing out all my blue and white xmas lights like right now. In fact, everything I own that's blue and/or white.

Whoa, hang on...MeFi's blue/white! MetaFilter: Destroying Christmas.

On preview: you know what's better than thinking about how moronic the culture war is? Knowing that 100% of the people who run the US buy in. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in the White House, where, no doubt, this is a topic that's seriously discussed.
posted by nevercalm at 4:21 PM on October 22, 2005

it's true... the secular anti-christmas movements keep appearing earlier and earlier... before you know it we start trying to ban christmas in june!
posted by cusack at 4:25 PM on October 22, 2005

If those liberals get my paid Christmas holiday taken away I'm going to be pissed.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:39 PM on October 22, 2005

This reminds me of one Christmas when I was working as a hotel valet and tried to sign up to take Christmas day off. Well, the manager immediately crossed me off and said, "Aren't you an athiest?" (actually, I had said I was agnostic, and from that point on learned to never mentioned that at my place of work). My retort was that my family and I celebrated "Athiest Kids Get Presents Day." I worked that Athiest Kids Get Presents Day and I made the more in tips than in all my other days as a valet.
posted by mullacc at 4:44 PM on October 22, 2005

Funny, Matt doesn't look Jewish.
posted by briank at 4:46 PM on October 22, 2005

2. minority group (christians)

Minority group?
posted by rafter at 4:48 PM on October 22, 2005

If those liberals get my paid Christmas holiday taken away I'm going to be pissed.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:39 PM EST

Oh dear God in heaven, Save The Eggnog!!!!!!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:57 PM on October 22, 2005

Xmas dead? Too good to be true.
posted by telstar at 5:03 PM on October 22, 2005

it's not fair that liberals are getting all the credit when conservatives like ebenezer scrooge have been trying to kill chrismas for so many years ...
posted by pyramid termite at 5:08 PM on October 22, 2005

I'm a Christian and I say bah humbug.

I always look forward to January 1.
posted by konolia at 5:08 PM on October 22, 2005

And then I looked closer, and I saw that the lights were WHITE lights, not colored lights. And BLUE lights, not red and green lights. And we all know what that means.

The UN took over Christmas?
There are lots of Penn State fans in Connecticut?

I... Huh?
posted by dirigibleman at 5:20 PM on October 22, 2005

I'm no big fan of this particular holiday (raised Catholic, now atheist), but you wouldn't have to go farther than this thread to realize there really are a lot of people out there with extremely negative attitudes towards Christmas (and Christians, for that matter).

A "war" on Christmas may be hyperbole, but certainly it's not a large leap to make from "they hate us" to "they're out to get us" (and yes, I know it cuts both ways).
posted by zanni at 5:33 PM on October 22, 2005

Christians that think Christmas is the big holiday instead of Easter are the ones that are screwing stuff up. Get to the gritty facts in the religion, not just the prettiest stuff that can best be loaded down with materialism...

(Yeah, I know, pointless thing to say at this juncture...)
posted by SomeOneElse at 5:35 PM on October 22, 2005

I wrote about the hypocrisy of this last year.

This wintry season, as the faithful continue to receive alarming reports from the news that Republicans are all that stand between them and the outlawing of Christmas itself by hordes of secular humanists, the two presidents Bush have endorsed a powerful conservative interest group specializing in removing the cross -- not from schools or courthouses, but from churches.

Pretty unbelievable stuff I found.
posted by johngoren at 5:42 PM on October 22, 2005

NO! What does it mean?? What does it meeeeaaaannnnnnnnnn????

Seriously, tho. I don't get it. Am I a Satanist, or what?

OH NOES TEH J00S

/cap-locks day

I declare that Christmas is already waging war on my sanity, seeing as how it's still October and I've already started to see Christmas-themed ads on TV.

Oh dear God in heaven, Save The Eggnog!!!!!!

Oh, wait. I'd forgotten about the eggnog. Mmm...nog...
posted by kosher_jenny at 5:43 PM on October 22, 2005

If those liberals get my paid Christmas holiday taken away I'm going to be pissed.

Reminds me of the Georgia redneck (and red-blooded union steward) I knew who said about King Day, "Who'da thought one dead ------ would get me a paid day off."
posted by mischief at 5:46 PM on October 22, 2005

Arg not already, ok yes for anyone still unaware: Jesus was not born on Dec 25, it's a holiday date that coincides with earlier pagan tradition and none of the following appear in the Bible regarding the birth of Jesus: Santa Claus, the North Pole, elves, reindeer, Tiny Tim, turkey dinner, pumpkin pie, eggnog, Christmas trees, drunken office parties, unwanted gifts, maxed out credit cards, or snow. Jesus asked his followers to remember him but never said anything about his birthday, the key event in the Christian calendar is Easter.
posted by scheptech at 5:57 PM on October 22, 2005

What does it meeeeaaaannnnnnnnnn????

In addition to being the color of those sinister Yids and their U.N. New World Order of Being The Antichrist, blue is of course also the unofficial color of THE DEMO-RAT PARTY !!! who want to take your hard-earned money away and give it to pregnant teenagers so they can teach your decent God-fearing children to masturbate as they shoot up their drugs and to fund gay porn videos about peeing on crosses and race-mixing that all churches will be required to show 30 hours per day.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:01 PM on October 22, 2005

I saw a Christmas comercial yesterday, and it isn't even Halloween. Blech. Bah humbug indeed.
posted by homunculus at 6:03 PM on October 22, 2005

They're already remaindering Halloween stuff at one store I shop at, and putting up the Christmas gear. Damn. One holiday at a time, okay?
posted by JB71 at 6:18 PM on October 22, 2005

BLUE lights, not red and green lights. And we all know what that means.

NO! What does it mean?? What does it meeeeaaaannnnnnnnnn????

It means You're in a neighborhood where the all-white ights or all-blue lights are there to show that here lives a family that is much too classy to put on a vulgar multi-colored display. There probably aren't any Jewish folks behind that spotlit front door with the big wreath.
posted by longsleeves at 6:53 PM on October 22, 2005

"BLUE lights, not red and green lights. And we all know what that means.

NO! What does it mean?? What does it meeeeaaaannnnnnnnnn????

It means You're in a neighborhood where the all-white ights or all-blue lights are there to show that here lives a family that is much too classy to put on a vulgar multi-colored display."

Actually, it means the people bought their lights at Wal-Mart, who have for the past three years sold, almost exclusively, white or blue lights. Multicolored lights are a bitch to find in a town that only has Wal-Marts.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:56 PM on October 22, 2005

it means the people bought their lights at Wal-Mart, who have for the past three years sold, almost exclusively

They must be part of the satanic conspiracy. I knew walmart was evil.
posted by IronLizard at 7:26 PM on October 22, 2005

Christmas, Pthah!!

Cuthulu demands appeasement every day of the year!
posted by Balisong at 8:23 PM on October 22, 2005

Jesus never said anything about Easter either. Do you think the thing with the bunnies and eggs is just a coincidence?
posted by raysmj at 8:26 PM on October 22, 2005

Cthuhlu demands appeasement every day of the year!

But especially on the solstice, when he is to be celebrated with song.
posted by homunculus at 9:09 PM on October 22, 2005

Jesus never said anything about Easter either.

Not about bunnies, eggs, chocolate, bonnets, or long weekends, no.
posted by scheptech at 10:02 PM on October 22, 2005

I like to refer to it as Dead Jewish Carpenter's Day
posted by cusack at 10:26 PM on October 22, 2005

Jesus never said anything about Easter either.

And on the third day He rose again. And his tomb was found empty - except for a single egg which contained a Hershey Kiss. And the people did rejoice as they found more hidden eggs with more Hershey Kisses. And little chocolate bunnies too. But Thomas, he did not find any eggs at all, and so he did not believe the claims of his joyous friends. And he was eaten by the Easter bunny.
posted by Stauf at 10:28 PM on October 22, 2005

Everybody who knows anything knows that Christmas is an amalgamation of Biblical history and Pagan tradition - just like Easter. All the religious what-not comes from the Bible; but the fun bits (and most likely also the dates of observance) are totally Pagan. Santa Claus is a male witch (probably supposed to be female, but you know how male-dominated history goes), flying across the world (right around the winter solstice!) to bring good cheer and bounty (and probably return the sun with Cernunnos while he's at it). The Easter Bunny and the eggs are fertility symbols (and the observed date is right around the spring solstice - COINCIDENCE?) If you want to get really deep about it you could also debate that the Resurrection is comparable with the Spring Solstice in that it marks the rebirth of life on earth (humankind saved from sin - the earth saved from the death of winter).

Now I have to go lay down somewhere. Thinking is tiresome.
posted by deusdiabolus at 11:39 PM on October 22, 2005

It appears that General JC Christian, Patriot has contributed his own Amazon review:

In was a sad day in 1939 when Rudolph made his debut and began pushing aside the more traditional, God-fearing reindeer. Today, if Donner, Blitzen and the rest are mentioned at all it is as Rudolph's persecutors, the bullies who barred him from playing reindeer games.

While many would rise to defend Rudolph by ascribing his popularity to the love Americans have for the underdog, I think there is something more sinister at work here, the siren call of homosexuality.
posted by jonp72 at 11:53 PM on October 22, 2005

It's not like Christmas even means anything in this country any more, aside from "whip out the credit card."
posted by baphomet at 1:01 AM on October 23, 2005

I saw a Christmas comercial yesterday, and it isn't even Halloween.

Perhaps the person who scheduled the ad was a computer programmer and simply got Hallowe'en and Christmas mixed up again. After all, OCT 31 = DEC 25.
posted by kindall at 1:51 AM on October 23, 2005

I hope this book isn't being sold for a profit, because that wouldn't be very Christian of him — he should donate all the proceeds of the book to charity if this sacred holiday means so much to him.

But what do I know? I'm not a Christian.

Also, I thought this was funny:

...Did you know that? Maybe you should think about it for a little bit.

He must have read "How to Pad a Book With Pointless Asides When All You Have to Back Your Argument are a Few Scattered Anecdotes That Prove Nothing".
posted by Down10 at 3:50 AM on October 23, 2005

I was in Boots (slightly more upmarket UK version of Walgreens) on 15 Sept and nearly tripped over my jaw when I saw wrapping paper, cards and 3 for the price of 2 Xmas present deals. The sodding leaves were still on the trees!

In UK retail land, Xmas is now seen as the last chance to save a year of crappy sales which seems the result of a slow economy & the hoovering up of 80% of high street sales by four supermarket chains, mainly Tesco & Asda-WalMart. Woo. Hoo.

I'll see family & friends, overindulge a little, enjoy the 4-day weekend [followed by a 3-day weekend for New Year - you USians really need to sort out your holidays. No wonder you're always so antsy ;-) ] which is what people have been doing in Northern Europe for a few millennia before the Jewish hippy showed up. *shrugs*

FWIW, guys like this Gibson bloke put me off the Christian side of whatever-you-want-to-call-a-midwinter-festival which seems to go against what he's actually trying to achieve. Which is a bit strange but there you go.
posted by i_cola at 3:52 AM on October 23, 2005

This isn't about Christmas, per se. This is about Fox News keeping their viewers angry and paranoid so that they don't stray, so they vote, and so they spread the word. This is a classic cult move -- create a demonized opposite that the in-group can define itself against. Christmas is a symbol of good, of the innocence of childhood, of family, and friends. Therefore, if this is true (and it must be because I saw it on the news), liberals must be very bad to want to rob people of this good. Now Fox has people thinking in an “us vs. them vein”, which is exactly what they want. Once people are there, they have trouble thinking outside of those terms, and they are sort of trapped. They have no choice but to watch Fox, because all other stations are tainted. And they will begin to agree with other ideas that Fox asserts.

I have to begrudgingly hand it to Fox for knowing the set mentality of its viewers (magical/animistic, impulsive/egocentric, purposeful/authoritarian [or purple, red, and blue on the spiral dynamics hierarchy, respectively]), and knowing how to poke and prod them into self-destructive traps so that they don't stray and they continue to mimeograph the party line.

I did hear that Christmas has WMD.
posted by luckypozzo at 9:39 AM on October 23, 2005

Yes, typical highly confused thread making every effort to prove what is supposedly held as untrue:

Several dozen negative contributions ranging all over the map from the raising of the pagans (won't somebody please remember the pagans), the usual annual "revelation" about the date not being accurate, entirely gratuitous (and rather mean-spirited no?) accusations of antisemitism, somehow urine and masturbation get into the story, and finally musings on reindeer sexuality...

Meanwhile of course the premise of the book is wrong. No one is attacking Christmas.

luckypozzo - thanks and agree, whether the book itself has any merit whatsoever I have no idea, meanwhile media manipulation is something to be well aware of in general especially since there seems to be very little middle ground anymore in the media, everything has to have a steep liberal or conservative slant because the media is big business and, like all businesses, are primarily concerned with giving their customers what they want.
posted by scheptech at 10:05 AM on October 23, 2005

There is now an effort to overturn part of a 1976 law that allows attorneys in civil right cases to sue the offending party for legal fees.

That is, since the law went into effect, the ACLU has been challenging any and every public use of religion, as a profit-making venture. Every time the ACLU won a school-prayer case, for example, they got a big payoff from the school district.

Now, it is being proposed that only in the case of "religion in public" civil rights cases, that attorneys no longer have the ability to sue, and are paid fee-for-service like in any other lawsuit. They are paid by their client, not their opponent.

If this change in the law passes, it is likely that the ACLU will go back to only challenging the most egregious violations, there being no money in it.
posted by kablam at 10:20 AM on October 23, 2005

Gibson describes in shocking detail the Battle of Knoxville, where a batallion of mechanized liberal infantry stormed the churches on Christmas Eve and slaughtered anyone celebrating the mass.

I was in on that one. Bagged four myself...

Good times.
posted by black8 at 10:48 AM on October 23, 2005

I'd love to know what the "War on Christmas" actually does to those who are exposed to the idea. I'd postulate that most people, religious or otherwise, roll their eyes and go about enjoying the holiday in their preferred manner.

The problem with that theory is that it has no commercial benefit if it's cheerily ignored by Christians and non-christians alike. How many people actually become sufficiently curious to purchase a book on the subject? What portion of that group become sufficiently paranoid that Christmas becomes a time for war, rather than a peaceful celebration of the birth of Jesus?

I just hope that more purchases are made from morbid curiousity than absurdist paranoia, for the sake of those who purchase it, and their enjoyment of the holiday.
posted by I Love Tacos at 11:35 AM on October 23, 2005

Don't forget there are also Christian sects that oppose celebrating Christmas, because they don't consider Christmas to be a truly a Christian holiday. Examples include the Jehovah's Witnesses and Garner Ted Armstrong's Worldwide Church of God. So Gibson's argument that Christians must defend Christmas actually does not have universal support, even within the Religious Right (if you define that term broadly).
posted by jonp72 at 8:09 PM on October 23, 2005

Why don't most christians seem to understand their own goddamn religion?
posted by signal at 4:25 AM on October 24, 2005

OCT 31 = DEC 25.
posted by kindall

Heh....
posted by Floydd at 9:15 AM on October 24, 2005

BLUE lights, not red and green lights. And we all know what that means.

I thought it meant they were UConn fans. The Wal-Mart explanation is fascinating.

I take the hippy approach. Wish everyone a happy Winter Solstice, which is an astronomical event not just some wiccan practice.

I heartily agree. Aside from being an astronomical event, it's also darn cool. More sun, please!
posted by mrgrimm at 2:52 PM on November 1, 2005

Don't forget there are also Christian sects that oppose celebrating Christmas, because they don't consider Christmas to be a truly a Christian holiday. Examples include the Jehovah's Witnesses and Garner Ted Armstrong's Worldwide Church of God.

And, of course, the Church of Christ and some other Restoration churches.
posted by kindall at 3:00 PM on November 2, 2005