Blackbelt WebMaster he aint.
November 8, 2005 3:31 PM   Subscribe

Once in a while you might come across a website about a celebrity that appears to be maintained by the very celebrity it touts. We've discussed some of these before. But you just haven't lived the 'Web 2.0' until you visit the Official StevenSegal.com. Herein you will find exciting possibly even working links to "Spirituality" and even a very exciting "Steven's Mp3 Page" (where all audio files are in .ram format). There is even 100% Pure Steven Seagal Juice and Steven's Essentail Oils are for sale as well.
posted by BrodieShadeTree (42 comments total)
 
Where is the part about his run-in with the "Mob"?
posted by R. Mutt at 3:37 PM on November 8, 2005


[this is good]
posted by mischief at 3:37 PM on November 8, 2005


Am I the only one bummed out that the "community" link isn't working?

When someone stars referring to themselves as "international star", you know that their light has faded.
posted by fizz-ed at 3:38 PM on November 8, 2005


I hear he's madly working on another bottle of magic Steven Seagal juice right now. And, if you pay him $300 you can help him harvest some of his "Juice".
posted by fenriq at 3:39 PM on November 8, 2005


By the time I was done hashing out this post I knew the words to 3 of his songs.... not by choice.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 3:41 PM on November 8, 2005


This is the best of the web. And I am not being sarcastic.

It has that great disorganised, cobbled together feel that only a celebrity in front of Microsoft Frontpage can produce.

And he sells pashminas.
posted by fire&wings at 3:42 PM on November 8, 2005


There is even 100% Pure Steven Seagal Juice

ewwww. That is where I draw the line.
posted by clevershark at 3:42 PM on November 8, 2005


Are you stuck drifting through life in a state of existential confusion wandering aimlessly through the multitudes of energy products not knowing which one is the right one for you? Then look no further for the true meaning of life then Master Sensei Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink!

Lightning Bolt, the one and only energy drink crafted by martial arts expert and herbal specialist Steven Seagal

posted by cell divide at 3:43 PM on November 8, 2005


The action film SUBMERGED will be directed by Anthony Hickox which should conquer a broad panel of witnesses.

What?
posted by brundlefly at 3:55 PM on November 8, 2005


Lightning Bolt will give you the strength you need to punch your adversary’s faces through plate glass windows day in and day out!
posted by Pseudoephedrine at 4:00 PM on November 8, 2005


There are the recent reports that Pinor Rinpoche has recognized you as a tulku. Is that correct?

Duh! Obviously!
posted by kosem at 4:08 PM on November 8, 2005


Ingredients: Steven Seagal delivers titles to the American ultra consonances (blues, folk) but also of more directed songs world (ragga, Arab musics). Surrounded by prestigious guests (B.B. King, Stevie Wonder...),
the actor adds a new cord to his arc!
To note: the presence of a poster dedicated inside the small pocket for all his fans!


This sounds like Engrish to me.
posted by MrZero at 4:20 PM on November 8, 2005


One of my favorite Saturday Night Live moments was when Nicolas Cage hosted. In a 'backstage' moment, Cage says to producer Lorne Michaels, "they probably think I'm the biggest jerk who has ever been on the show!" Michaels replies, "No, no. That would be Steven Seagal."
posted by brain_drain at 4:24 PM on November 8, 2005


Mr. Zero, I was just coming here to comment on that very paragraph. It's as if someone wrote in English, translated it to another language and then translated it back into English.
posted by LeeJay at 4:31 PM on November 8, 2005


Wait. Wait just a minute here. Are you MOCKING the good Mr. Seagal? We just can't stand for that here.
posted by killdevil at 4:34 PM on November 8, 2005


I have to say, the songs suck but his voice ain't half bad.
posted by LeeJay at 4:34 PM on November 8, 2005


No, not half-bad. All bad.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 4:35 PM on November 8, 2005


*shrugs* I didn't think the sound of his voice was too terrible. It's the fact that it comes out of Steven Segal's ass-face that I have a problem with.
posted by LeeJay at 4:38 PM on November 8, 2005


Of course the website is silly- Everybody know's Steve Seagal is just a Jim Belushi character.
posted by maryh at 4:38 PM on November 8, 2005


Steven Seagal is going to take you all to the bank... THE BLOOD BANK!
posted by basicchannel at 4:44 PM on November 8, 2005


Did anybody have the patience to watch his "spirituality" flash? I read until he brings up the fact that he does not want to talk about his involvement with Tibetan revolutionaries. That just about overloaded my "asshat" detector. Can we get a transcript of that whole flash? Anybody bored enough to do that?
posted by Dr No at 5:28 PM on November 8, 2005


Ew, Steven's Essential Oils. That's like Kenny Rodger's Muffin.
posted by Kloryne at 5:50 PM on November 8, 2005


Roger. Kenny Roger.
Jeez...
posted by Kloryne at 5:50 PM on November 8, 2005


RogerS.

F it...
posted by Kloryne at 5:51 PM on November 8, 2005


I think you were looking for "Kenny Rajah" ;)
posted by blendor at 6:14 PM on November 8, 2005


Steven Seagull is teh suck.
posted by AllesKlar at 6:15 PM on November 8, 2005


"I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol." Steven Seagal.

Ah-hahahahaha....
posted by countzen at 6:40 PM on November 8, 2005


the actor adds a new cord to his arc!

That's a French expression, and a terrible translation thereof.
posted by clevershark at 7:08 PM on November 8, 2005


Can I just say I saw Steven Segal perform (singing, not acting) live on stage once?

No?

Okay then.
posted by mmoncur at 7:10 PM on November 8, 2005


the actor adds a new cord to his arc!

That's a French expression, and a terrible translation thereof.


So is cord a geometric term, like tangent to an arc?

So the Germans have David Hasselhoff and the French have Steven Segal (and Jerry Lewis)?

Would like to see a fight between Katie Sagal (perhaps as Leela, but as Al's wife - just as good) and Steven Segal...
posted by PurplePorpoise at 7:34 PM on November 8, 2005


ajouter une corde à son arc would seem to mean adding a chord to one's arc.

Under Siege was not bad, but then I have an Andrew Davis weakness.
posted by dhartung at 9:29 PM on November 8, 2005


I wonder what he had on Ovitz?
posted by Smedleyman at 9:35 PM on November 8, 2005


Ooo ya! A Steven Seagal pile-on - what a good start to my day!

I once had an entire room of (exceedinly drunk, probably stoned) friends stumped with a game of Animal, Vegetable, Mineral though once the round was out, no-one could fault my claim that Seagal was vegetable - his level of acting ability could only come from a block of wood.

Or stone. Oh, shit. Maybe I should have said mineral?
posted by benzo8 at 10:38 PM on November 8, 2005


Friend of mine used to work for a major studio helping with press junkets. He said almost to a person, the vast majority of bigshot movie stars that he met were kind and down-to-earth.

Then came Steven Segal.

The veteran staffers who had dealt with Segal before were moaning and complaining the moment they heard he was coming--he's apparently a notorious asshole. He and an assistant spent the better part of a day searching for obscure food that Segal demanded be set out for him at the interview. When he showed up, he nibbled on a carrot and never even looked at the rest. There was some story about how he got angry about something petty and started screaming at the studio people, including my friend, for an extended period of time...I forget the details on that one.
posted by zardoz at 10:56 PM on November 8, 2005


hehe
posted by snoktruix at 12:04 AM on November 9, 2005


I'd like to see a fight between Katey Sagal and me.
posted by Joeforking at 1:22 AM on November 9, 2005


Part of me wonders if this isn't an incredibly sophisticated faux marketing site.
posted by craniac at 5:54 AM on November 9, 2005


ajouter une corde à son arc would seem to mean adding a chord to one's arc.

I think it means to add a new string to your bow, as in "bow'n'arrow". Rendered in English as "a new arrow in your quiver", which sounds unnecessarily sexual but there you have it.

Oh, and the only praiseworthy thing Steven Seagal has ever done, to my knowledge, is nail Kelly LeBrock. Whose desirability in my fickle and judgmental eyes immediately evaporated.
posted by the sobsister at 6:35 AM on November 9, 2005


This juice, it vibrates?
posted by OmieWise at 7:03 AM on November 9, 2005


I was amused to note (white scanning the on the first link of PeterMcDermott's post today) that Bruce Willis has a blog too. I was even more amused when I clicked on it:

"Server Error
The server encountered an internal error and was unable to complete your request.
Could not connect to JRun Server."


Yipeekyaye indeed - it happens to the best of us!
posted by benzo8 at 8:32 AM on November 9, 2005


I was gonna ask you some questions about buddhism earlier but I couldn't find you. "Oh yeah, I just stepped OUT FOR A KILL for a minute."

/ only funny review I've ever read on AICN
/ one hell of a good bad movie
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:50 AM on November 9, 2005


More celebrity website carwrecks.

The classic Melanie Griffith site.
posted by filmgeek at 10:18 AM on November 9, 2005


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