Knit Wit

December 8, 2005 7:16 PM

What Not to Crochet. Things you must never ever crochet. [via]
posted by brownpau (36 comments total)

It'd be good if they'd link to sites that sell this stuff. I need something nice to wear to a reception and I think that green monster dress would be just perfect with dress boots and an understated handbag.
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:23 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]

Inspired, I think, by this.

And not to be picky or anything, but knitting and crocheting are not the same thing.
posted by Uccellina at 7:24 PM on December 8, 2005

Aha, I was right.
posted by Uccellina at 7:26 PM on December 8, 2005

Also that red and purple thing in the first entry is probably meant for these people.
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:28 PM on December 8, 2005

Scarf. (orignal site not responding at present)
posted by Eideteker at 7:31 PM on December 8, 2005

I think the furry dog jackets are kinda cute. They remind me of the tweed jackets that were in not too long ago with the distressed detailing along the edges of the jacket and the hem of the sleeves. Perfect for those who want their furry friends to be little mini-mes--only, they'd be SOO last season.
posted by phoenixc at 7:33 PM on December 8, 2005

I like the fuzzy dog coats.
posted by terrapin at 7:34 PM on December 8, 2005

I'm so sorry. It shows how little I know about crochet and knitting.
posted by brownpau at 7:35 PM on December 8, 2005

I find the punhos and snake among roses particularly fetching.
posted by tellurian at 7:37 PM on December 8, 2005

Hey, I'm happy as long as pop-top crafts don't make a comeback.
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 7:46 PM on December 8, 2005

Okay, sure, don't crochet Fuzzball Poncho Pizzazz. Acknowledged.

But no creepy clown toys? I cry bullshit!
posted by scarabic at 7:49 PM on December 8, 2005

Oooh, thanks, brownpau.
posted by Melinika at 8:03 PM on December 8, 2005

The punhos look like a bad Christmas present Space Ghost got from his grandma. Bless her heart, though, she was trying hard.
posted by PhatLobley at 8:05 PM on December 8, 2005

Thanks Matt.
posted by brownpau at 8:54 PM on December 8, 2005

Hey, I like the creepy clown toy. Its clothing is so... intestinal.
posted by Marit at 9:09 PM on December 8, 2005

Let us never crochet about this again.
posted by jenovus at 9:16 PM on December 8, 2005

okay, okay.... I promise not to crochet any of those things. In fact, to be safe, I will swear off all crocheting, as MeFi is my witness..
posted by pompomtom at 9:20 PM on December 8, 2005

I think babies would love those clown toys. They are nothing but a bunch of fuzzy texture, lots of edges to run little fingers over. Sure, they look weird. But babies like tactile stuff.

The problem with the magazines is the pressure they're under to always come up with some new stuff. And then there is the taste of the people who actually do these things. Sure, some are after more normal things, while others are the sort to have a velvet Jesus/Elvis on the wall. I suspect they would go for the fuzz balls (for that matter, I suspect plenty of little girls would love it anyway).

I actually used to do crochet. I took it up as something to occupy my hands while watching TV, while quitting smoking. It did help, and was kind of fun, but didn't hold my attention.
posted by Goofyy at 9:21 PM on December 8, 2005

Wow, this is like a MetaFilter More You Know psa. Phew, the timing couldn't have been better, tonight was neighborhood crochet night but, thanks to this post, we avoided those heinous designs.
posted by fenriq at 10:18 PM on December 8, 2005

For some reason, this reminds me of the "legalize it" pot leaf pillow that my friend did in needlepoint.
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:36 PM on December 8, 2005

I think this was on Metachat, and it pissed off jonmc, IIRC. It was posted by the mushroom story poster (MiHail?).

I can't crochet, so I don't have to worry about crocheting a fashion faux pas.
posted by teece at 10:39 PM on December 8, 2005

20 years ago my mom had a cloth art book that showed a needlepoint somebody had done of a reclining male nude.

All I could think of was stabbing ... there ... again and again.

Maybe the model was an ex.
posted by dhartung at 11:56 PM on December 8, 2005

I, hate you so-much-right-now...


posted by i_cola at 5:23 AM on December 9, 2005

I somehow like the barefoot sandals.
posted by of strange foe at 5:29 AM on December 9, 2005

Those barefoot sandals would actually be very fetching if they were in a different yarn and attached to a sole. I'm actually trying to figure out how that could be done - can you buy soles? Or could I perhaps by leather and stitch one up myself? Or maybe I could buy a cheap pair of flipflops and cut the top off, replacing it with the crocheted part.
posted by orange swan at 7:28 AM on December 9, 2005

And while we're on the subject, can someone tell me why there's such a dearth of nice crochet patterns out there? I can crochet quite well, although I don't much like to and usually just use it to put pretty, lacy edgings on the things I knit (you can't beat the picot edging, which always looks great).

But I have a friend who's a mad crocheter and who complains that there aren't good patterns out there. The crochet magazines seem to be mostly about doilies and afghans and the few wearable items are butt ugly. Why is this? Does crocheting not have the following? Is it a matter of versitility?
posted by orange swan at 7:34 AM on December 9, 2005

I seem to recall that the Vogue Knitting people put out a Vogue Crochet but I haven't seen it in years - didn't it last?
posted by orange swan at 7:35 AM on December 9, 2005

I made my mother a lace tablecloth out of the Queen Anne's Lace pattern using a "0" hook and the finest thread. It took me two years. I never again picked up a crochet hook, I guess I am resting on my laurels.

And as a knitter I can say honestly say it is the lack of versatility that keeps us needlewomen from doing much crochet-wise. I've made afghans, beach cover ups, shawls, and tablecloths by crocheting-- basically anything where a lacy pattern-- and nothing but a lacy pattern-- will work.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:04 AM on December 9, 2005

Good gravy, I just looked up the Queen Anne's Lace pattern and that would have been an *insane* amount of work. It would have looked lovely when finished, but all its life it would have been one glass of red wine or overturned gravy boat away from the trash bin. You must really love your mother. I did crochet a shell and bobble pattern worsted afghan for my sister last year — it took me seven weeks, an hour or two a day.

Hmm, I leaned toward the lack of versitility theory myself, but as I don't have the expertise with crocheting that I do with knitting and am just biased towards knitting in general (people seem to love best the one they learned first), I didn't know if I was right. I'm still not convinced... but don't want to actually have to try crochet-wear design to find out;-) Do we have any avid crocheters on MeFi?

And I'm now on a mission to make those sandals (as actual sandals, i.e., with a sole and everything). I found the pattern on the net and printed it off. The challenge will be finding a useable sole and attaching the top part. I feel an AskMe question coming on;-)
posted by orange swan at 9:28 AM on December 9, 2005

I'm pretty much a crocheter, although I keep meaning to teach myself how to knit... someday. Crochet can be suprisingly versatile, but I agree that it's really hard to find cute patterns. Personally, I'm waiting for this to come out. I like her knitting guides, so I'm hoping she can find some good, hip crochet patterns for this one.
posted by MsMolly at 2:05 PM on December 9, 2005

Good gravy, I just looked up the Queen Anne's Lace pattern and that would have been an *insane* amount of work.

It was an insane amount of work, but now it is an heirloom. It comes out for Christmas and Thanksgiving and is carefully sponged off and put away.

I started one for myself many times but never got very far because? It is an insane amount of work.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:18 PM on December 9, 2005

Swancho. And when I finally saw it on a real woman who clearly thought she looked fancy as hell, it was even worse.
posted by rebirtha at 6:59 PM on December 9, 2005

You knit what?
posted by cass at 12:29 PM on December 12, 2005

The only epxlanation is that veryone was on bad drugs in the seventies. Even the crochet pattern makers.

By the way, I have inherited an encyclopedia of knitting and crocheting, something like 10 volumes, from the 70's of course!, packed with those shocking patterns and crazy colours, lots of ponchos and shawls and baby things and horrid quilts.

If anyone collects this stuff, let me know, I'll pass it on for FREE...
posted by funambulist at 12:57 PM on December 12, 2005

Some items in this blog (linked from whatnottocrochet) seem somehow appropriate for metafilter.

Also, funambulist, I can think of two places where you could find people who might be interested in your encyclopedia...
posted by klausness at 8:57 AM on December 13, 2005

I've become addicted to You Knit What and What Not To Crochet. Not because of the fun inherent in snarking, though that is certainly part of it. The real pleasure of these sites for me is dereived from the challenge of solving design problems. If a pattern has any redeeming qualities, I'll sit there and figure out how it could be salvaged, or how I could incorporate the features I like into another project.
posted by orange swan at 12:38 PM on December 20, 2005