All such matters will be taken seriously.
April 24, 2006 6:13 PM   Subscribe

 

posted by quonsar at 6:14 PM on April 24, 2006 [1 favorite]


For great justice?
posted by beerbajay at 6:16 PM on April 24, 2006


Which is funny, because the TSA is the biggest joke I've encountered in a long while.
posted by bardic at 6:20 PM on April 24, 2006


It'd be funnier if they chose a semi-official, but still ridiculous spot. A subway stop or bus terminal is more believeable and make more people think they were serious than just some random mall.
posted by mathowie at 6:24 PM on April 24, 2006


It'd be funnier if they'd made professional-looking signs, and if they'd been old enough to fit the part they were playing.

As an ex-improviser, I know that it's possible to work effectively without props, so if you're going to use props as a crutch, they'd better be GOOD.
posted by davejay at 6:33 PM on April 24, 2006


The TSA fears levity, because levity is the enemy of fear.


Didn't think I could say that with a straight face.
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:34 PM on April 24, 2006


It'd be funnier if it were funnier.
posted by soiled cowboy at 6:38 PM on April 24, 2006


I'd better not hear any STATEMENTS out of you!
posted by Krrrlson at 6:40 PM on April 24, 2006


There used to be a sign up on the wall at the Liverpool School of Language, Dream and Pun that said:

No dickheads,
No laughing.

Words to live by.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:42 PM on April 24, 2006 [1 favorite]


Some things just cry out to be mocked.

That sign is one of those things.
posted by leftcoastbob at 6:44 PM on April 24, 2006


Ditto mathowie and davejay. Good opportunity to mock TSA lost to poor execution.
posted by mrnutty at 6:46 PM on April 24, 2006


no laughing allowed
posted by madamjujujive at 6:46 PM on April 24, 2006


Neat concept. The coup de grace would have been (1) a fake metal detector frame (2) a fake X-ray machine / conveyor belt, and (3) a whole mess of those velvet ropes and posts organized in a cattle-pen labyrinth.
posted by rolypolyman at 6:55 PM on April 24, 2006


Which is funny, because the TSA is the biggest joke I've encountered in a long while.

Seriously. How they even managed to install those signs without arresting each other en masse is one hell of a logic loop. *head asplodes*
posted by loquacious at 7:10 PM on April 24, 2006


It looks like they're trying to imitate Improv Everywhere except they're not as clever.
posted by H-Bar at 7:11 PM on April 24, 2006


Of course the basic thing is that any time you try not to laugh you will laugh, so this schtick amplifies that part of our nature.
posted by Paris Hilton at 7:12 PM on April 24, 2006


When I was but a lad and in the Boy (Cub) Scouts, my troop took a trip to BWI for a tour of the airport. When we hit the screening process, the troop leader turned to us all and said in a dire voice No Joking About Anything When You Walk Through The Metal Detector. No Guns. No Bombs. No Violence. Nothing.

It was only because the troop leader was my father that I thought furiously about Spider-man fighting Doc Ock - complete with said forbidden guns, bombs, and violence - in my seven year old original act of rebellion.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:16 PM on April 24, 2006


A sad child IS a safe child. I keep mine locked in a large pet carrier painted a morose shade of violet. A cd player nearby plays an endless loop of Joy Division numbers.
These men are performing a brave service for America.
posted by maryh at 7:19 PM on April 24, 2006 [1 favorite]


Levity aside, I am deeply curious what the legal grounds are for imposing "criminal and civil penalties" as a consequence for making "jokes or statements."

(The pedant in me also notes that the broad "statements" language of the warning implies that if you open your mouth and utter something - anything at all, really - you could be liable for the big scary criminal and civil penalties.)
posted by Pontius Pilate at 7:22 PM on April 24, 2006


Oh, that's great.
posted by brundlefly at 7:22 PM on April 24, 2006


Years before 9/11, on a highschool band trip to Anaheim, some stupid punk decided to be cute and did the "yeah, I have a bomb" schtick.

Good thing they (the teachers) decided not to hold up the rest of us on our flight to wait for the other student.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 7:28 PM on April 24, 2006


You want civil penalties, citizen? That'll be $1000 just for opening your mouth!
posted by scody at 7:29 PM on April 24, 2006


Yes, it's too obviously a prank to be funny.
posted by jayder at 7:30 PM on April 24, 2006


It looks like they're trying to imitate Improv Everywhere except they're not as clever.

They say that towards the end of the page. "We wanted to do guerilla improv, having been inspired by ImprovEverywhere."
posted by Auguris at 7:31 PM on April 24, 2006


Making any statements during the screening process? I guess this must be the one place they still take 'the right to remain silent' seriously, huh?

Screener : Is this your bag, sir?
Traveller : <silence>
Screener : Sir?
Traveller : <silence, points to sign>
Screener : Looks like we've got a comedian, huh?
<Red lights flash and klaxons blare. Armed guards surround traveller in a ring of steel, rifles pointing at the guy's head>
Screener : Go ahead, say something funny now, Mr. Jokesalot.
Other Screener : Hey, that was pretty funny.
Screener : Yeah, thanks, I thought it was pretty good myself.
Other Screener : Oh really? Book 'im, boys! Felony Joking!
Screener : What?! Hey, no, wait a minute ...
posted by kaemaril at 7:38 PM on April 24, 2006


First they came for the Borscht-belt comics, and I did nothing because I hate borscht.

Then they came for Carlos MenciaNed Holness and I did nothing because fuck him.

posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:40 PM on April 24, 2006


"Because I could see his **** hanging out the bottom of his pants"

Some words are too terrible to be written. The terrorists have already won.
posted by Joeforking at 7:50 PM on April 24, 2006


That's a very absurd sign. Couldn't they have easily said something like "please cooperate during the screening process" or "joking about violence is a criminal offense."
Because I doubt they mean they're going to arrest you for sharing a knock-knock joke.
posted by Citizen Premier at 7:54 PM on April 24, 2006


...aaaaand kaemaril packs more laughs into thirty seconds of invented dialogue than the guys in the post did in a whole afternoon.

The biggest sin against comedy of this article is the fact that the author tells you over and over again just how funny it was. It's like that guy at work who's laughing at the story he's telling you and repeatedly having to say "you had to be there" to your unreacting expression.
posted by George_Spiggott at 7:55 PM on April 24, 2006


They say that towards the end of the page. "We wanted to do guerilla improv, having been inspired by ImprovEverywhere."

I felt better about them after I read that part. Still, I think they should at least mention it in their "About" page or somewhere more visible.

And my original post was a little too harsh. These guys aren't at the level of IE, but they have some good bits in there.
posted by H-Bar at 7:56 PM on April 24, 2006


It'd be funnier if they did it dressed up as mimes. And if they had smashed some watermelons with sledgehammers. God, ImprovEverywhere knockoffs, be funnier!
posted by mijuta at 8:02 PM on April 24, 2006


"That's a very absurd sign. Couldn't they have easily said something like "please cooperate during the screening process" or "joking about violence is a criminal offense.""

True, but there are simply too many people that are over the top smart-asses. The sign is in simple English and the message is clear.

For the record, similar signs were in place long before 9/11 & the TSA.
posted by drstein at 8:38 PM on April 24, 2006


On my last trip, I had an extremely overpacked suitcase on my return flight.

The flight was also very early in the morning, so I was not entirely conscious when I apologized to the security screener for the fact that my bag was ready to "explode" when opened because it was so over packed.

Luckily for me he had already opened it, knew what I meant, and just pointed out that I should avoid that word in airports.
posted by flaterik at 9:40 PM on April 24, 2006


You can't yell "fire" in a theater ... you might cause a panic.

You can't yell "bomb" in an airport ... you might cause a panic.

TSA effectiveness (or non-effectiveness) aside, am I missing something? Why does this seem difficult for some people to grok?
posted by frogan at 10:32 PM on April 24, 2006


I found this funny. Read the whole thing, and you'll get a sense of how they riffed off the concept and the reactions of their co-conspirators and the general public.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 11:46 PM on April 24, 2006


frogan - the sign doesn't say anything about "bombs", it says "Making any jokes or statements ...". Now we all know what they're talking about, but you've got to admit the message itself is ridiculous.
posted by russm at 11:53 PM on April 24, 2006


Now we all know what they're talking about, but you've got to admit the message itself is ridiculous.

Well, I get what you're saying, but the alternative is a giant-ass list of all the things that could be conceivably misinterpreted by a middle-aged soccer mom. I guess what I'm saying is, don't fault the TSA for smartly playing to the lowest-common-denominator, even if it looks silly.

A person can be really, really smart. A group of people magically turn into dumb motherfuckers. This no longer surprises me, and it probably doesn't surprise the TSA either. Hence the sign, which looks silly to us MeFites that rolled all 18s for Intelligence and Wisdom, but is sadly necessary for the Great Unwashed that make up the other 99.9 percent of airport travelers.

Let me put it another way. I'm sure that every MeFite blew the curve on their SAT scores, but I'm just as sure that if I gathered all 30,000 of us together and walked us through an airport, there'd be a fair percentage that would get caught with scissors, pocketknives and Leatherman tools in their carry-on bags. Or why else would the TSA still be collecting this shit on a daily basis?
posted by frogan at 12:11 AM on April 25, 2006


It looks like they're trying to imitate Improv Everywhere except they're not as clever.

Because there's only room for one (1) improv group doing social commentary, and that group must needs be in New York, all others need not apply.
posted by dhartung at 12:23 AM on April 25, 2006


I'd think Improv Everywhere was a lot more clever if they didn't keep doing that stupid "No Pants" thing every year.

...in all seriousness, I like most of their stuff, but the fact that they're apparently doing a TV show now doesn't sit well with me.
posted by Target Practice at 1:37 AM on April 25, 2006


God. The only thing I hate worse than the New USA are the apologists.

I never in my life saw a sign like this before 9-11. If such signs existed before, they'd have been photographed and posted in the past, too. Show me.

It doesn't matter whether this is written broadly for some roundabout "average people are too stupid" reason. It is an official US Government sign lying to US citizens that we don't have all of our constitutional rights. It is a very clear indication that the TSA is flippant towards such rights. All examples of this trend (and we now have many, many, many examples of where this tide is going) are important to people who wish to preserve their own freedom.

There are very many reasonable situations where I, as a citizen and as the one who pays the Homeland Security Officer's paycheck, may have to communicate with an officer. There are even some unreasonable situations that should be put up with in a free society.

Look at this from the other direction. Okay, we're assuming the average person is a blithering idiot. I worked retail, so I can sympathize with this idea, even if I find it repugnant and anti-democratic. Lying to idiots about their lack of freedom defiles democracy because they will pass this idea forward to others, they will think it's okay to pass these ideas into laws, and they will think it's okay to be citizen enforcers of these ideas against others.
posted by Skwirl at 2:17 AM on April 25, 2006 [1 favorite]


Well stated, Skwirl.
posted by brundlefly at 2:56 AM on April 25, 2006


Clearly, the TSA has the aurhority to make the statement posted on the sign. They are not denying any consitutional right. If you don't want to be searched by TSA, you don't actually have to be. You just turn around and leave. However, when you purchase your ticket, you are making a tacit agreement that you will abide by the security regulations at each airport. Therefore, while it may be a pain in the ass to take your tennis shoes off that clearly have no space to put an explosive, they can refuse your admittance to the terminal or require an additional search. Same idea goes with making statements that rationally be considered threatening. If a TSA agent heard someone say that they had a bomb, decided it was a joking statement, and then find out later that a plane had exploded in midair, everyone would be angry at TSA and the agent himself for not taking the situation seriously enough. Therefore, every such statement should be taken seriously and should be investigated. As such investigation takes up time and money, the person causing the disturbance is liable for the those damages.

That being said, I thought the link was pretty funny.
posted by Mister Fyodor at 4:56 AM on April 25, 2006


Clearly, the TSA has the aurhority to make the statement posted on the sign. They are not denying any consitutional right. If you don't want to be searched by TSA, you don't actually have to be. You just turn around and leave. However, when you purchase your ticket, you are making a tacit agreement that you will abide by the security regulations at each airport. Therefore, while it may be a pain in the ass to take your tennis shoes off that clearly have any space to put an explosive device, they can refuse your admittance to the terminal or require an additional search. Same idea goes with making statements that reasonably be considered threatening. If a TSA agent heard someone say that they had a bomb, decided it was a joking statement, and then find out later that a plane had exploded in midair, everyone would be angry at TSA and the agent himself for not taking the situation seriously enough. Therefore, every such statement should be taken seriously and should be investigated. As such investigation takes up time and money, the person causing the disturbance is liable for the those damages.

That being said, I thought the link about the improv troupe was pretty funny.
posted by Mister Fyodor at 4:57 AM on April 25, 2006


woops, didn't mean to post that twice. damn crappy internet connection...
posted by Mister Fyodor at 4:58 AM on April 25, 2006


At this point the father cracked some sort of lame joke about me unintentionally, so I handcuffed him instead and escorted him out of the zone.

My favorite quote from the link.
posted by A dead Quaker at 5:04 AM on April 25, 2006


get caught with scissors, pocketknives and Leatherman tools in their carry-on bags.

because there is nothing wrong with carrying scissors, pocketknives and Leatherman tools in carry-on bags? because scissors, pocketknives and Leatherman tools have pretty much nothing to do with airliner security?

Or why else would the TSA still be collecting this shit on a daily basis?

because, sheeplike and terrified, we let them?
posted by quonsar at 5:29 AM on April 25, 2006


Skwirl is right, and it saddens me that so many people are defending the TSA. Yeah, and when they start arresting people on the street for saying bad things about the president, we'll just have to accept that they're just doing their job, man! It's a dumb sign that represents a repugnant situation, and the least we can do is mock the motherfuckers.

That said, this is a great link: thanks, q!

"This is why I can't have you telling jokes, sir. You almost injured a child. Jokes hurt the children."
posted by languagehat at 5:56 AM on April 25, 2006


There is nothing unfunnier than an American who says "arse" instead of "ass."

"I never in my life saw a sign like this before 9-11. If such signs existed before, they'd have been photographed and posted in the past, too. Show me."

Stop being retarded. Yeah, I'll use my magic internet machine to find only 2000 vintage signs. They were there, they have been there. You also can't say an informal hello to your friend Jack while standing in line without getting the TSA in your grill. It's because sometimes our rights are not absolute, and this is one of those areas where a small concession makes for a fair amount of benefit. The signs are retarded, but until I hear of the policy being abused I don't care. When I fly, I want to get through as quickly as possible, not have to deal with the hi-larious hijinx of amatuer comedians. And since they've never stopped anyone (so far as I've heard) for knock-knock jokes, it's not a big fucking deal.
posted by klangklangston at 6:28 AM on April 25, 2006


This has just as much to do with CYA as security. They aren't just concerned about security risks like joking about bombs etc. They're concerned about any citizen (or not) raising any objections at all. Is the TSA genius disrespectful to you? Take it. Did they touch you inappropriately? Yell at your 90 year-old grandmother? Or your 5-year-old? Keep quiet. Sure, maybe you should cut them some slack but they're transparently using the force of law & "security" for cheap power games.

I'm a smart-ass, I admit it. It drives me crazy that (in the last 3 or 4 airports I've been in) they can't just say that you HAVE to take off your shoes. It's always: "You might want to take off your shoes to make things faster." I finally figured it out in St Louis when the magnet-machine operator told me to take off my shoes to avoid a separate search process. Fine by me... I just like to know what's going on.
posted by Wood at 7:13 AM on April 25, 2006


I thought it was pretty funny -- mostly in the write-up. I expected to think it was more lame because of their signs and whatnot, but the bit with the family and the newspaper comics not being allowed was amusing, ripoff or not.

Also, that TSA sign! WTF! No statements allowed? Signs like this keep copyeditors working. Thanks, guys!
posted by theredpen at 7:16 AM on April 25, 2006


Tragedy + Time = Comedy
posted by ninjew at 7:35 AM on April 25, 2006


The thing is, in the history of airline travel, have any of the idiots who made lame jokes about having bombs while in line ever actually had a bomb?

At the airport last week I saw a guy's toolbox get pulled out of the checked luggage screening. TSA unpacked the entire thing and then tried to fit it all back in, badly. I almost laughed (but stopped myself just in time!) thinking that any really crafty would-be bomber would probably NOT hide his bomb in a box full of tools, wires, pointy things, sharp things etc. He'd hide it in a suitcase full of barbie dolls, or grandma's knitting.
posted by Biblio at 7:36 AM on April 25, 2006


Y'know, maybe they read my mind or zoomed in on my smirk after that, because when I went though the pre-boarding screening, they pulled me aside and examined my CPAP machine, even going so far as to wipe it down with little cloths that they then scanned, a la CSI. Again, people, would I attempt to sneak something through security inside a device that arouses suspicion?
posted by Biblio at 7:41 AM on April 25, 2006


the reason I said "arse" in my write-up of the mission instead of "ass" and why I edited myself instead of saying "dick" is because our troupe does a lot of family-friendly shows, and I want to keep our website going with at least a modicum of cleanliness

Yeah, our signs are a bit non-official looking, but hell, we threw it all together in the course of 5 hours. At least they weren't hand-drawn...


Trolls: thank you, great slags

The rest: thank you, we appreciate the feedback :)
posted by mildweed at 9:16 AM on April 25, 2006


Hi Jack!
posted by WinnipegDragon at 9:24 AM on April 25, 2006


"Threats or statements that can be preceived as threats (such as inappropriate jokes) may be grounds for both criminal and civil penalties."

There, I fixed it for ya.

Your anecdotal rememberance of seeing "signs like this" and my anecdotal rememberance of never seeing any signs like this in the US are just about equally compelling. Also, the last time I checked Heathrow is not in the US. Either way, it doesn't matter. Pre or post Sept. 11, 2001, this sign is still anti-Consitutional.

We could write off the poorly worded language as ignorance instead of malice, but we are talking about an organization that was birthed in propaganda. Their function is to give us the illusion of security. Does anybody really believe that the Department of Homeland Security has made us safer? Really? After Katrina? After knowing full well that all of the most important safety leadership positions (FEMA, FDA, EPA) in our country were purposefully staffed by inexperienced cronies?

These guys mainly exist for show and to catch small-time criminals. The only reason they do any good at all is because the terrorists are the only force in the world that is more bumbling incompetent than our own leadership.

TSA is a show of force. That's why they dress all in black, fully armed, grimmacing and you almost never see just one. TSA is psyops and I do not believe psyops is appropriate when against US citizens on US soil.
posted by Skwirl at 11:00 AM on April 25, 2006


TSA is psyops and I do not believe psyops is appropriate when against US citizens on US soil.

Hey look! A black helicopter! Quick, get your tinfoil hat!
posted by frogan at 11:04 AM on April 25, 2006


You can't yell "bomb" in an airport ... you might cause a panic.

I thought this said "you might cause a picnic" - which wouldn't really be that bad.
posted by sharpener at 11:06 AM on April 25, 2006


Har har. Anyone who does make security-related jokes in this situation is a dangerous asshole; the sign only gives notice of the fact.
posted by ParisParamus at 11:26 AM on April 25, 2006


Jokes in airport security for a plane you're about to board are about as funny as jokes from your dentist about raping you when you're going under anaesthesia.
posted by Marnie at 11:48 AM on April 25, 2006


But the dentist actually raping you? Comedy gold.

"Pre or post Sept. 11, 2001, this sign is still anti-Consitutional."
OH NOES, the CONSITUTION!
I've cracked plenty of jokes while in line at airports, just none about bombs or hijacking. I've never been bothered.

And saying "arse" is still extra-chromosome retardedfrom Americans. I remember having a pal who would say "drek" instead of "shit." That was retarded too.
posted by klangklangston at 12:17 PM on April 25, 2006


Frogan: Do you want to actually respond to the idea that airplane security is designed to be effective versus airplane security being designed to be intimidating?

The sign does not specify the type of communication banned. No one here is refuting the Clear and Present Danger doctrine. The language, and I would argue, the intent, of this sign implies that the TSA has powers that extend beyond the Constitution and the judicial interpretation of the Constitution. There are so many examples of the current administration and their subordinate departments assuming extra Constitutional powers that it would be foolish to assume that the lazy wording of the sign is anything less than symptomatic of the administration's disdain for individual freedom and the institutional trickle down effect that we see today in authoritarianism all across the nation.

If security violates me, I have the right, in real time, to complain and draw attention to the infraction. We don't have to believe in conspiracies to believe in individual abuses of power. If a security official molests a child during a search, the child needs to know that it is within their rights to speak out. They need to know that it is okay to speak out to their parents and to raise a ruckus in order to draw attention from civilian witnesses. Without the right to real-time freedom of speech, we lose the ability to create witnesses to criminal abuse of power.

Anyone literally reading this sign will believe that they have no right to speak out. It's one piece in a psychological attempt (see also: their paramilitary uniforms) to intimidate civilians into complying with the search. The sign is really saying that Homeland Security is beyond criticism. I think that, in the current atmosphere, it is not unreasonable to believe that extinguishing criticism is the real intent here.
posted by Skwirl at 12:34 PM on April 25, 2006


"Anyone literally reading this sign will believe that they have no right to speak out."

If they're a moron. Everyone else will just not make that quip about getting their flight to the WTC on time.
posted by klangklangston at 1:36 PM on April 25, 2006


The last time I checked, literalist morons were all around us. See: Fundamentalists and Leviticus.

However, I am making a larger point about the use of intimidation to control citizens. As Homeland Security mission creep brings them to our sporting events, political events and various other forms of transportation, I think we really need to consider whether or not the illusion of safety is worth having a Federal, armed police force scrutinizing our lives and chilling free expression.

The moronity is in the wording of the sign. There is no cost involved in changing the wording of the sign to be more clear and to reflect our nation's values. The failure to do so, combined with every other chip at our core freedoms in the past six years, portends some pretty serious shit.
posted by Skwirl at 2:00 PM on April 25, 2006


I grew up in Kansas City. Sometimes there's not a lot going on and people have to make their own fun.
posted by candyland at 2:20 PM on April 25, 2006


Do you want to actually respond to the idea that airplane security is designed to be effective versus airplane security being designed to be intimidating?

Nope. Thanks, I'm out. Psy-ops? Molesting children? Extra-Constitutional powers? Your posts show me that you've both misinterpreted and conflated the issue beyond any point of having a reasonable discussion.

See ya.
posted by frogan at 5:56 PM on April 25, 2006


I remember having a pal who would say "drek" instead of "shit." That was retarded too.

What, Yiddish is retarded?
posted by Snyder at 9:03 PM on April 25, 2006


"What, Yiddish is retarded?"

When used by an Irish kid with a Shadowrun fetish, yeah.

"However, I am making a larger point about the use of intimidation to control citizens."

I know. The point is misguided and alarmist. If anything, signs like this are a good thing because of the lax enforcement. It shows our government to be absurd and impotent, leading to people questioning it, which is good.
posted by klangklangston at 6:45 AM on April 26, 2006


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