I Get Up, And Nothing Gets Me Down

May 18, 2006 10:21 AM

Send in the clowns: the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) has submitted a patent for the Man-Cannon, a catapult designed to hurl SWAT teams and emergency workers onto the roofs of tall buildings, human-cannonball style. The inventor? He's none other than Dean Kamen.
posted by fandango_matt (32 comments total)

As long as it generates a humorous "BWOOOOING!" noise upon operation, I'm all for it.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:27 AM on May 18, 2006

Zefrank uncovered the truth about this device yesterday.
posted by grabbingsand at 10:37 AM on May 18, 2006

This was actually cooked up by 8 year olds in someone's backyard, wasn't it?
posted by IronLizard at 10:42 AM on May 18, 2006

Wow, The Register sure lays on the snark! I wonder what they would have thought of the patent for the telephone. This is the cool not-yet-produced Kamen product I'm interested in getting.
posted by OmieWise at 10:43 AM on May 18, 2006

As long as it generates a humorous "BWOOOOING!" noise upon operation, I'm all for it.

And a good "Ba-doom TISH!" upon landing.
posted by Jofus at 11:02 AM on May 18, 2006

Hopefully, it will support the weight of bovine projectiles.
posted by NationalKato at 11:04 AM on May 18, 2006

Will the operator be a cartoon coyote?
posted by horsewithnoname at 11:07 AM on May 18, 2006

Didn't Mythbusters do a segment on a human catapult? Something about illegal immigrants using them to vault the border, I believe.
posted by schmedeman at 11:10 AM on May 18, 2006

That patent better be issued to the ACME corporation or there will be big legal trouble.
posted by thatwhichfalls at 11:13 AM on May 18, 2006

heh.
posted by horsewithnoname at 11:16 AM on May 18, 2006

YIKES, AND AWAY!

*smack*

Yikes, and away!

*smack*

Y..yikes...and...awaaay...

*smack*
posted by FormlessOne at 11:55 AM on May 18, 2006

Didn’t Mythbusters debunk this?

...I got a man cannon for ya.

Soundtrack?
posted by Smedleyman at 12:24 PM on May 18, 2006

Wouldn't a teleporter be a little less "python-esk". I mean it's all fine and fitting if you run up to the building with coconut shells and try to riddle how you got those shells of course. Well given the state of the current leadership of this country nothing more should be expected. *Picturing Bush fascinated after he finds a machine that goes *Bing* I just came up with a screen play, the bush administration gone python. I must go write.
posted by cdavidc at 12:44 PM on May 18, 2006

My guess is that Jackie Chan orders the first one.
posted by zaelic at 12:47 PM on May 18, 2006

KAMAN PR DEPARTMENT
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

This device will change EVERYTHING we know about modern city planning warfare! Entire cities wars will be structured around this startling new technology! Every urbanite army will want one!
posted by tkchrist at 12:53 PM on May 18, 2006

I heard that when Steve Jobs was shot out of this cannon, he shit his pants.


FormlessOne, I think you mean "yoicks," no?
posted by soyjoy at 1:13 PM on May 18, 2006

Mythbusters was going for DISTANCE not height.

I'd guess this thing works by calculating how high to shoot someone, so that all the vertical momentum is spent near the point of where the roof is they are landing on. Still sounds very unsafe.
posted by inthe80s at 1:48 PM on May 18, 2006

This could be straight out of my favourite Ron Carlson stories, - too bad that "What We Wanted To Do" doesn't seem to be exist in readable form on these internets.
posted by Flashman at 2:06 PM on May 18, 2006

And I think this could only work if it shot monkeys.
posted by Flashman at 2:07 PM on May 18, 2006

fechez la vache!
posted by carsonb at 3:48 PM on May 18, 2006

I thought if the army needed to place a soldier(s) in a hard to reach place they usually lower them from.. a helicopter?

Then again, it seems much more practical to wheel a giant "man-cannon" up to the cliff/ridge/building and lauch people up onto it.. of course..

It would make for a good snapshot in one of those exiting army commercials i guess.
posted by Raoul.Duke at 4:20 PM on May 18, 2006

The NSA should have kept the lid on this one. Soon, Iran will have a bigger man-cannon, then we'll have to respond. It will be a competition to see who's man-cannon is bigger.
posted by anotherbrick at 4:31 PM on May 18, 2006

Probably, soyjoy. I was in a hurry. ;)

I can't wait to see this misused, intentionally or otherwise.
posted by FormlessOne at 7:55 PM on May 18, 2006

Exactly this principle was used in Knight Rider (yes, I have identified the episode). KITT hurls Michael onto the top of a five-story building. When played in reverse, you can hear Michael Knight say "$^*&^$! I feel like I just fell off a five-story building!"

Let's see, what's the g-force involved? 5 stories ~ 15m = 4.9 m/sec² t², so t ~ 1.7 seconds (the "under 2 seconds" from the article); hence initial velocity ~ 17 m/sec. So we leave the Kamenapult in ~1/4 sec. During that time, we've been accelerating like ~17 / (1/4) m/sec² ~ 7 gees. I guess that's not so bad.

Hm: the patent claims "In one embodiment, the guide rails 41A are 12 feet long to limit the acceleration of the carriage 60 to approximately about 5 Gs for a 50-foot high trajectory. " (I think 5 means "in addition to gravity", which come to think of it the above calculation did too.) I wonder where the other 2 Gs go.
posted by Aknaton at 8:42 PM on May 18, 2006

Catapult, shmatapult. Let's deploy flying squads of Bell Rocket Men.

Is this trip really necessary? The Register article says "...the designers reckon a four metre high launcher could put a man on the top of a five storey building in less than two seconds." Adding on the time it takes for the launcher to arrive on the scene and get set up, wouldn't it be faster to just climb five flights of stairs? Are the elevators off?

Re Daffy's derring-do, I've always thought of him yelling Yoicks!, but listen here for yourself.
posted by cenoxo at 9:52 PM on May 18, 2006

I can't wait to see this in the next summer blockbuster.
posted by Hicksu at 10:34 PM on May 18, 2006

cenoxo, thanks for the WAV. Sounds pretty clearly like "Yoicks" every time except the fourth or fifth, after he's been hammered pretty good. Maybe at that point he really was saying "yikes."
posted by soyjoy at 10:10 AM on May 19, 2006

Fire me, boy!
posted by UKnowForKids at 11:00 AM on May 19, 2006

This could - if made a two-seater - have deep implications as an incredible sex toy.
posted by tkchrist at 2:48 PM on May 19, 2006

Adding on the time it takes for the launcher to arrive on the scene and get set up, wouldn't it be faster to just climb five flights of stairs?

Climb five flights of stairs? Are you crazy? This is America, where 2/3rds of the population is overweight. Stair climbing? That's gotta be a French invention.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:55 PM on May 19, 2006

SWAT teams always get the best toys.

Wiggum: That's nice work with the bagzooka, Lou.
Lou: Gotta love what you do, Chief.
posted by medialyte at 8:16 PM on May 19, 2006

Climb five flights of stairs? Are you crazy?

True, time is of the essence. And to get the whole team up top in a hurry, I hear that Dean's working on a drive-up model.
posted by cenoxo at 11:59 PM on May 19, 2006