Amazon Groceries
August 6, 2006 5:29 PM   Subscribe

Effective Against Elton John. Amazon starts selling groceries online. People start reviewing their products. Hilarity ensues.
posted by blue_beetle (37 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
This one time I was taking orphans with diseases to the pound to see the puppies, but when we got there, the puppies were all gone because some Tuscan milk had gotten drunk and set them all on fire. [...] Tuscan milk is actually a highly watered down Chuck Norris semen.

I'm guessing the Amazon editors don't work on Sundays. Well, that's what you get, fools. Hilarious stuff!
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:35 PM on August 6, 2006

Sorry for the double-quote-post, but I wanted to share:

California's "Green Seedless Grapes, 1 lbs" lacks the lyrical punch of their first album ("Avocados, 1 Each"), and the teen-angst edginess of the vocals has been replaced by a sweeter sound, reminiscent of Kedem's "Grape Juice" (22 oz. version). However, the album is still palatable, thanks, in part, to the production talents of Ric Ocasek.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:39 PM on August 6, 2006

"Tuscan milk is actually a highly watered down Chuck Norris semen."

I damn near spit mueslix and yogurt on my monitor.
posted by ZachsMind at 5:50 PM on August 6, 2006

Wow. I have an amazon prime account, I wonder what would happen if I ordered some grapes or something?
posted by delmoi at 5:56 PM on August 6, 2006

Isn't there health concerns with this?
posted by geoff. at 5:58 PM on August 6, 2006

Oh I guess the prime account wont work with a non-amazon shipper. Bleh.
posted by delmoi at 5:58 PM on August 6, 2006

Or "aren't", you'd bankrupt them delmoi.
posted by geoff. at 5:59 PM on August 6, 2006

Beaver Coney Island Mustard
A great pungent aroma!
You'll be licking your fingers!
posted by mischief at 6:15 PM on August 6, 2006

it's good! It's cold! It's white! I love it!
It's fortified! With vitamins! It's pasteurized! I love it!
I love my milk!
posted by ZachsMind at 6:31 PM on August 6, 2006

"These Bananas taste like bacon"
posted by Brainy at 6:41 PM on August 6, 2006

ZachsMind...that was a fun little trip down memory lane...thx!
posted by pax digita at 7:19 PM on August 6, 2006

How does David Hasselhoff feel about all this?
posted by klangklangston at 7:57 PM on August 6, 2006

This is very much in the vein of a longstanding tradition: the "salted water for boiling" recipe reviews...
posted by Zurishaddai at 8:14 PM on August 6, 2006 [1 favorite]

great tags.
posted by brandz at 8:16 PM on August 6, 2006

for those who are wondering why a new york city dairy would call themselves tuscan milk, they are owned by parmalat, the italian dairy company
posted by pyramid termite at 8:25 PM on August 6, 2006

All kidding aside, I cried when Webvan went broke. At the time, I lived about 11 miles from their Suwanee, GA warehouse, and it was Heaven on wheels, while it lasted. Their prices were less than the Kroger down the street, the produce and meats were top notch (better by far than Kroger or Winn-Dixie) and generally, we could get delivery slots within an hour of placing our order, and only once in over a year did they miss their half-hour delivery window. If you ordered by 6:00 a.m., they'd bring you breakfast by 7:00 a.m. without fail.

I remain inconsolably heart-broken that no American entrepreneur has managed to craft a reasonable nationwide business model from Webvan's ashes, but I know that Bezos boxing up Kellog's isn't it. But I hope it catches on, enough to convince Wall Street that doing it is possible. 6 years is long enough to wait for guys to start coming in and putting my groceries on my shelf again, an hour after I order them.
posted by paulsc at 8:39 PM on August 6, 2006

Billy Milano will never have to be told again!
posted by zerokey at 8:41 PM on August 6, 2006

peapod won't be happy.
posted by brandz at 8:43 PM on August 6, 2006

great tags.

I think they're kind of stupid and counter-productive, actually, but hey that's just me.
posted by mediareport at 10:27 PM on August 6, 2006

And MeTa.
posted by mediareport at 10:37 PM on August 6, 2006

Last I checked the cucumber reviews were disappointingly... mild.
posted by lekvar at 10:37 PM on August 6, 2006

I'm not sure I understand. The grocery section is new(ish), but the gourmet foods is not and that's what all the "funny" reviews are links to.

I'm bitter because the groceries are sold directly through amazon and with prime that means free grocery shipping. Alas, the groceries are all non-perishables. So, no milk.
posted by birdie birdington at 11:00 PM on August 6, 2006

Am I the only one who wants to do this? Really? Don't you wanna party like it's 1999? NO?! Really???


I Liek Milk

There. I feel better now.
posted by elr at 12:09 AM on August 7, 2006

I worked for the founder of WebVan in one of his later ventures, before the VCs fired him. Having worked for him, I now know why WebVan failed. If ever you needed an example of an MBA who couldn't tie his own shoes, let alone run a company, well...
posted by nlindstrom at 12:15 AM on August 7, 2006

Genius. Made my morning.
posted by slimepuppy at 3:03 AM on August 7, 2006

13 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
Kubla Khan or, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz, August 6, 2006
Reviewer: Debunker (USA) - See all my reviews

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately dairy-house decree:
Where Alf, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man,
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
the sacred cows wandered and fed,
And there were gardens bright with soft young grass,
Where blossomed many a pound of fresh-churned butter;
And casein scents filled the air,
Engorging the nostrils of naughty milk-maids.

A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian milk-maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Cottage Cheese.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dairy in air,
That sunny dome! those cows of wonder!
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Moo! Moooo!
Her flashing eyes, her swinging udder!
Weave a circle round her thrice,
And squeeze the teats with care,
For she on sweet grass hath fed,
And produced the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon,
128 fl oz, of Paradise.

-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 1816
posted by languagehat at 5:37 AM on August 7, 2006 [2 favorites]

I haven't laughed so hard in I don't know when. Thanks, blue_beetle!
posted by languagehat at 5:37 AM on August 7, 2006

Yay! Let's burn fossil fuels, lotsa fossil fuels, to get milk from Tuscany. That's what our boys are fighting for: the right of Americans to waste fuel! And our frivolous wasting of that fuel won't ever have any negative consequences.

And really, if you want Chuck Norris's semen, there's a quicker way to get it. NSFW.
posted by eustacescrubb at 5:53 AM on August 7, 2006

Hilarity ensues.

It certainly does!

*sniggers uncontrollably*
posted by scratch at 7:33 AM on August 7, 2006

Game, set & match: The 2 reviews for Astroglide
posted by wfc123 at 8:55 AM on August 7, 2006

This brightened my whole day. And made me love milk even more that I already do. Who knew that was possible?
posted by thekilgore at 12:05 PM on August 7, 2006

wfc123, you missed the best part on the Astroglide page:

"2 used and new available from $14.49".

posted by baylink at 1:07 PM on August 7, 2006

I love Amazon groceries. This morning, I sent a case of diapers to my daughter in law in D.C., so she wouldn't have to ride the bus then walk a mile to the PX with a baby strapped to her back (she can't drive, and her husband is fighting the war, so fuck you, eustacescrubb). I totally missed the reviews; thanks for highlighting this, blue_beetle.
posted by figment of my conation at 3:55 PM on August 7, 2006

What!? Tuscan Milk: "Customer Reviews Be the first person to review this item."

posted by Brainy at 12:32 PM on August 8, 2006

Just in case they delete the latest batch, here they are for your enjoyment:

Just one sip..., August 8, 2006
Reviewer: Dick Loserman - See all my reviews
...And I was in FLAVOR HEAVEN! Flavor heaven is a place where magical bunnies and elves hop around on candy cane pogo-sticks on a pixie stick beach! The ocean is, you guessed it, milk! Miles and miles of moo juice from sea to shining sea! So how do you get to this awesome place where unicorns and gnomes frolic in chocolate mud puddles? Drink some of this milk of course! Buy it now. I said NOW! Quit reading this and just buy this stuff!

some fine milk,
August 8, 2006
Reviewer: Trisha K. Daly "milk expert" - See all my reviews
when i need milk trips to the grocery are a thing of the past. online milk is where its at for me. cause when i need milk i need it in a few days.mmmm good milk

MMMMMM, August 8, 2006
Reviewer: P. Zarate - See all my reviews
Excellent as croutons for salad. Fantastic doorstop. Can easily make fake marshmallows out of them with a little effort.

love me some milky goodness, August 8, 2006
Reviewer: Terrell Owens (Big D) - See all my reviews
E'body know ain't nothin' I love more than me. But if I loved me just a little bit less (which ain't possible 'cause I'm lovin' me more and more every day) I'd love this electronically commerced milk just as much.
This Tuscan Whole Milk makes me feel like I'm God's gift to life. Before I started drinking my one gallon Tuscan Whole Milk (128 fl oz.) I was just a man - a mere mortal. All I could do was deliver game-winning cirque-du-soleil catches in the endzone, or bulldoze through an entire defense like they cardboard cutouts.
But now since the world-wide web purchasablity of this superior dairy product I'm like a creamy white, milky smooth Tuscan God. Still capable of oh-no-he-di'int physics-defying football plays, thanks to this here Tuscan Milk I can actually upset the balance of the universe. Not only can I ruin a perfectly good football team because my new, inflated sense of self-worth, cartoon of an agent didn't get a comission on my perfectly good, 11-month-old, 49-million-dollar contract, but I'm pretty sure I can cure your sick baby of his sickle-cell anemia. Come to think of it, yes I believe I might be God. How else could I have recovered from a broken leg in 6 weeks to dominate the Superbowl. Wudn't no ankle pins or mad-crazy, 9-hour rehab sessions. I'm God - must be. Either that or the bone-healing vitamin benefit from this Tuscan Whole Milk. Kids, listen to God. This stuff is f'real, so like I always tell my good friend, Ray Lewis ... "Have Some!". And I love T.O.

had heard great things, but milk did not live up to hype, August 8, 2006
Reviewer: D. Gregor "drink maven" (nyc, new york) - See all my reviews
Several friends of my friends from California had raved about Milk for years. Now that Milk is finally available in nyc i was so excited i waited on line at Gristedes for 2 hours prior to opening.
Much to my dissapointment when I finally drank Milk it turned out to be bland and mediocre. Has anyone noticed it tastes like potato leek soup that's been watered down?
If you've been looking for something to quench your thirst LOOK ELSEWHERE! Milk is just a hipster fad, and youd be wise to stay off the bandwagon.

Milk > Malk, August 8, 2006
Reviewer: E. Beeson - See all my reviews
Malk is nasty, milk is tasty!
posted by languagehat at 2:34 PM on August 8, 2006

holy crap.

my wife saw this in the "recently viewed items" on her Amazon page and put it in her cart.

it arrived today.

I kid you not, she bought this milk.

She is never allowed to drink wine and surf the internet again.
posted by Sr_Cluba at 11:57 AM on August 15, 2006

« Older Larger Than Life: Christine Granville   |   Money. Beautiful, beautiful money Newer »

This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments