Run run run run run run run away
August 23, 2006 6:20 PM   Subscribe

"Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia." What else is there to say, really.
posted by _sirmissalot_ (55 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
More here. And here.
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 6:24 PM on August 23, 2006

All i can think of is:

fa fa fa fa, fa fa fa fa, fa, fa
posted by CharlesV42 at 6:25 PM on August 23, 2006

I would run run run run run run away.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:26 PM on August 23, 2006

But I'd run away from someone wearing a racoon skin coat.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:26 PM on August 23, 2006

This is WEIRD!

I live in Olympia, and just got back from a walk with my dog, and saw a twisted, contorted dead raccoon in someone's yard.

I THINK THE C.H.U.D.s are behind all this...
posted by stenseng at 6:27 PM on August 23, 2006

Qu'est-ce que c'est?
posted by The Deej at 6:27 PM on August 23, 2006

"They're urban raccoons, and they're not afraid."
posted by chococat at 6:29 PM on August 23, 2006

You people have made two Talking Heads references that I already cleverly dropped in the title and tags. Get the fuck with the program.
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 6:29 PM on August 23, 2006

And get these mutherfuckin' racoons off my motherfuckin' lawn.
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 6:30 PM on August 23, 2006

These motherfuckers got nothing on Morgan.
posted by mano at 6:38 PM on August 23, 2006

T-Rex must live in Olympia.
posted by Iridic at 6:38 PM on August 23, 2006

I'd like to see them trying their raccoon nonsense with Lewis
posted by Kloryne at 6:40 PM on August 23, 2006

Raccoons shouldn't be friendly
Raccoons shouldn't play
Raccoons should be sleeping
even if it's a really nice day...

So next time you see a raccoon
that's having fun playing with human babies
it's not a new improved model
it's a raccoon with rabies...
- Chris Crofton

posted by Bageena at 6:49 PM on August 23, 2006

Kudos to CharlesV42. You beat me to that reference. Bravo!

Two nights ago I was on my back porch smoking a cig and a raccoon the size of a lab walked up to me. I thought it was my neighbor's dog, but no, it was the largest raccoon I've ever seen. I didn't even know they could grow that large. Amazing.
posted by NeoSpud at 6:53 PM on August 23, 2006

Huh, perfect criminals: If they're all masked, vics can't pick them out of a lineup. Maybe Jonny Quest can spare Bandit for undercover work?
posted by rob511 at 6:55 PM on August 23, 2006

Elephant Bangs Train.
posted by hobocode at 6:57 PM on August 23, 2006

posted by stenseng at 6:57 PM on August 23, 2006

They say they don't need money
They're living on cats and puppies
They say raccoons don't worry
You know raccoons are hairy?
They think they know what's best
They're making a fool of us
They ought to be more careful
They're setting a bad example
posted by ottereroticist at 6:58 PM on August 23, 2006

You've got to run like an antelope out of control.
posted by danb at 7:00 PM on August 23, 2006

We were just driving home and I saw something out of the corner of my eye that I thought was a cat hesitating to cross the street in front of us. But no, it was actually a massive raccoon which proceeded to squeeze itself through an opening and into the sewer.

On the other hand, raccoons have nothing on (o)possums as far as disgusting goes.
posted by anjamu at 7:06 PM on August 23, 2006

I just bought a house, and walked out of the new place one night to find a big, fat raccoon sitting on the seat of my bike. It looked at me as if to say "who the hell are you and what do you want?" Probably wouldn't faze you lot, but being from Dubbillin via Queens, I'd never actually seen a raccoon before. I really couldn't have been more amazed (and terrified) if there was a chimpanzee sitting on the bike.

Anyway, since that happened I seem to be seeing raccoon stories everywhere. This one will prevent me sleeping tonight.
posted by jamesonandwater at 7:11 PM on August 23, 2006

and nobody's come up with this alternate reference...

Rocky raccoon checked into his room
Only to find Gideon's bible
Rocky had come equipped with a gun
To shoot off the legs of his rival

posted by wendell at 7:12 PM on August 23, 2006

There are C.H.U.D.s in Olympia?
posted by MonkNoiz at 7:21 PM on August 23, 2006

We used to have raccoons in our neighborhood when there was an abandoned lot below the hillside. They are very punctual animals and I used to call one the 7:20 raccoon and the other one the 8:40 raccoon because that's the time they would walk in between my house and a neighbors. One night I was on the phone talking to a friend about some constellations overhead when I felt I was being watched. I looked over and down and a raccoon was standing next to me looking up at the stars, apparently trying to figure out what I was looking at. He then turned his head, looked at me then dropped off on all fours and loped away.

There's a really good book about raccoons called 'The Natural History of Raccoons'. if anyone's interested. Did you know they have penis bones? and forked penises? Fascinating. Settlers apparently used to use them for toothpicks, even had cases for them. . . 'Woman, where's my penis-bone toothpick?'
posted by mk1gti at 7:22 PM on August 23, 2006

Coming Soon: Die Hard XIV: Attack of the Killer Raccoons

Run, Bruce, Run!

Too late! It's already scalped him!

Bruce Willis was quoted saying "Demi's got Ashton, I've got this..."
posted by wendell at 7:23 PM on August 23, 2006

You know, the little creatures in nature, they don't know that they're ugly.
posted by Citizen Premier at 7:26 PM on August 23, 2006

If you think a raccoon crawling into a sewer is disgusting, think how the raccoon must feel. It isn't his sewer, and he wouldn't travel that way if he had a choice. And I'm sure I'll get a lot of grief for this, but it's the cats that are the invasive species, not the raccoons.
posted by George_Spiggott at 7:26 PM on August 23, 2006

It is the little masks they wear, they think they can get away with anything.
posted by marxchivist at 7:28 PM on August 23, 2006

NeoSpud, do you by chance live in the midwest? I know they tend to get rather large out there. . . .
posted by mk1gti at 7:28 PM on August 23, 2006

Hey, it could be worse.
posted by owhydididoit at 7:29 PM on August 23, 2006

Nice one, Citizen Premier...
posted by Kloryne at 7:29 PM on August 23, 2006

George_Spiggot: you mean, it's the humans.
posted by owhydididoit at 7:31 PM on August 23, 2006

George_Spiggott, there may be a lot of people who are sensitive about things cat-related, but I can cheerfully assure you that I am not one of them. So I'm kind of curious if you could elaborate on your above statement ... ?
posted by anjamu at 7:33 PM on August 23, 2006

Omigod! Omigod! They're totally eating this poor woman alive!!!
posted by mk1gti at 7:35 PM on August 23, 2006

owhydididoit: yes and no. Humans have been on this continent for thousands of years (though admittedly the current crop is a recent arrival and doesn't exactly live in harmony with nature), but domesticated cats (and their feral descendents) are introduced. Among other things, cats are responsible for wiping out native bird populations in all 50 states.
posted by George_Spiggott at 7:35 PM on August 23, 2006

And their demon eyes. . . .
posted by mk1gti at 7:36 PM on August 23, 2006

good point. spay/neuter your pets, and if you allow your cat outdoors, fit it with a bell.
posted by owhydididoit at 8:09 PM on August 23, 2006

First psycho killer raccoons and now Kung-Fu Bears
posted by Tenuki at 8:22 PM on August 23, 2006

it's about damned time we woke up to the raccoon menace. been speaking out about it for years. now if someone would just take a good hard look at the possums, we'd start making some real headway.
posted by taocow at 8:27 PM on August 23, 2006

Well, if the ol' hometown had to show up on MeFi, I guess killer raccoons aren't a bad way to do it. But then, we grow 'em big here.
posted by Vervain at 9:20 PM on August 23, 2006

I was visiting a friend once that lived near Eddy and Hyde in San Francisco -- pretty tough neighborhood. From his balcony, we heard a big commotion outside near where the car was parked. Shined a light down there and saw the BIGGEST motherfuckin' raccoon I've ever seen, digging through the trash. I don't know how badass a raccoon has to be to survive in San Francisco's Tenderloin, but this raccoon was clearly on its way to rob a liquor store or carjack someone. Bottom line: urban raccoons OWN the night.
posted by mosk at 9:34 PM on August 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Elephant Bangs Train

Not quite sure what the connection here is, hobocode, but I just can't pass up the opportunity to plug the:

Best Short Story Ever!
posted by Aquaman at 9:34 PM on August 23, 2006

nature is just going berserk lately.
posted by madamjujujive at 10:37 PM on August 23, 2006

"There are C.H.U.D.s in Olympia?"

Yeah, they live in the steam tunnels under Evergreen.

I think they feed on hippy freshmen.
posted by stenseng at 11:08 PM on August 23, 2006

My brother has this huge farkin dog and for 10 bucks and hour he will eat racoons... 1-800-eat-farging-trash-throwing-bastards for more details
posted by jacob hauser at 12:15 AM on August 24, 2006

I say burn their home woods, and starve them to death. Or better, I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Damn zombifying agents. May I remind you of the last time raccoons took over a city? We must act before it's too late.
posted by qvantamon at 12:31 AM on August 24, 2006

I've had a raccoon steal a full garbage can once. The raccoon was unable to remove the lid since it was tied down with bungee cords. Undaunted, the raccoon dragged the very heavy garbage can halfway around the house before it was disuaded with a pot of water.
posted by ryanrs at 1:04 AM on August 24, 2006

Cool link, madamjujujive. I knew global warming was going to produce killer insects.
posted by Citizen Premier at 2:22 AM on August 24, 2006

My cat has a bell, but he still manages to snag a bird every week or so. You gotta figure that at that point, the cat jingling and jangling with every movement he makes, it's simply natural selection at work when he manages to take something down.
posted by blackberet at 4:42 AM on August 24, 2006

When I lived out in the country (CO) I fed dogfood to numerous raccoons and their brood at my backdoor, nightly. They would munch and watch my cats waltz in and out not six feet away, without incident.
posted by tgyg at 5:32 AM on August 24, 2006

Oh man, there were a whole bunch of raccoons hanging around outside my house last night!
I was like, "Aaaaaahhhh!"
posted by slimepuppy at 6:27 AM on August 24, 2006

I'll vouch for the CHUD in the tunnels under Evergreen, I've been in those tunnels. Yikes.
posted by safetyfork at 8:12 AM on August 24, 2006

There are definitely a lot of very friendly raccoons at Evergreen – They'll scamper up to you to beg for food adorably, pawing at the air in front of you with their leathery little hands.
posted by blasdelf at 2:55 PM on August 24, 2006

During my first year at Evergreen, I lived in a six-bedroom dormpartment on the bottom floor. One night when we had the windows open in the living area (an extremely "safe" 12 inches from ground), one of those wily raccoons nearly got itself invited in by my silly roommates.

Five 20 year old girls going "Awww!" are hard to snap back into sense, even by loudly shrieking "RABIES!" and "Dirty, garbage eaters!"
posted by monopas at 11:50 PM on August 24, 2006

posted by blasdelf at 8:19 AM on August 28, 2006

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