"I am the only drunken pirate running for office in this great nation."
August 25, 2006 11:01 AM   Subscribe

"I would have your wife right in front of you. I would smoke the last of your glaucoma medication. Then I will surely drink your liquor cabinet dry. However, know this my friend. I will never break an oath to uphold the public trust. My affidavit will be signed in my own blood. A Pirates crimson mark, with real binding effects into my after life. Laugh if you will then ask yourself if you could do it." James Hill is running for congress in Iowa's first district. He accepts no money from anybody.
posted by Navelgazer (54 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I'd like to see him win, do a fantastic job, and thereby make asses out of career politicians.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 11:06 AM on August 25, 2006

I'd like to see him win, do a fantastic job on your wife, and thereby make asses out of career politicians.
posted by snofoam at 11:08 AM on August 25, 2006

I'd like to see, but he's smoked all my glaucoma medication.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:09 AM on August 25, 2006 [5 favorites]

Unfortunately, if he's still addicted to drinking, none of his other promises are any good either.
posted by Miko at 11:10 AM on August 25, 2006

I'd like to see your winning wifes' fantastic ass.
posted by Floydd at 11:11 AM on August 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

Everything on this guy's site is gold. Read the blog entry where he explains that if he ever breaks down and hires a make-up artist, it'll be whoever does Gene Simmons or Alice Cooper.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:11 AM on August 25, 2006

I'm locking my liquor cabinet.
posted by boo_radley at 11:11 AM on August 25, 2006

The Honorable James Hill (Aarrrrrrrrrrr - IA)
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 11:13 AM on August 25, 2006 [2 favorites]

I have been approached by GARGOYL (the Greater Association of Righteous Gun Owning Young Lesbians). Like Kathleen Harris (of Fla.) I invent endorsements, but I go the extra mile and invent the endorsers.
posted by snofoam at 11:14 AM on August 25, 2006

I know he probably won't win, but hell, I sure hope he shakes some folks up and influences the message.
posted by thanotopsis at 11:16 AM on August 25, 2006

While I do not agree with some of his positions, he does sound more honest than any politician I have ever heard...
posted by tadellin at 11:18 AM on August 25, 2006

He says he's all about honesty, but...I DON'T THINK HE'S REALLY A PIRATE!!!
posted by freebird at 11:19 AM on August 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

He may be the only drunken pirate running for office in this great nation, but that's because of term limits.
posted by owhydididoit at 11:20 AM on August 25, 2006

owhydididoit, I hope you're not reffering to those pansy-ass old privateers.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:23 AM on August 25, 2006

Chain Whip Me If I Ever Use Page Titles
posted by MrZero at 11:25 AM on August 25, 2006

“Every day I fight the urge to drink, debauch women out of wed-lock and beat people on the street. One urge I do not have is to sell myself to the highest bidder.”

At last a candidate I can relate to. Still, I’m not much for the “trust me with your life but not your money or your wife” kinda platform. Nor does the “bad guy” mustache fill me with confidence. It’s all a different brand of message, but he still seems like any other narcissist politician out there. I want a drunken pirate in office, I’ll vote for Maddox.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:26 AM on August 25, 2006

Hah, too bad I just moved out of Iowa and the fighting 1st... I'd vote for him just for the hell of it. I'll have to send along my support another way, maybe so he won't have to steal everyone elses medication? Har!
posted by prostyle at 11:29 AM on August 25, 2006

what kind of pirate lives in iowa?
posted by nola at 11:30 AM on August 25, 2006

Sniff. NotMyselfRightNow beat me to the 'arrrrrr'.
posted by scblackman at 11:32 AM on August 25, 2006

This is the wacky politics that results from being adjacent to Minnesota.
posted by quadog at 11:32 AM on August 25, 2006

zenmaster: "I'd like to see him win, do a fantastic job, and thereby make asses out of career politicians."

They're doing a fine job without his help.
posted by adamrice at 11:34 AM on August 25, 2006

My favorite odd-ball candidate is Vermin Supreme. Or maybe HRM Caesar St. Augustine de Buonaparte (who I've actually spoken to).
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:42 AM on August 25, 2006

If he accepts no donations, who designed his website? He did it himself?
posted by fungible at 11:44 AM on August 25, 2006

If you read his blog, you'll find that his Samoan bodyguard designed the site and that Hill paid for it out of pocket.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:46 AM on August 25, 2006

Do you suppose "glaucoma medication" is a codephrase for "spleef?"
posted by ZenMasterThis at 11:49 AM on August 25, 2006

if it is, it's not very cryptic.
posted by owhydididoit at 11:52 AM on August 25, 2006

Well, now the site is dead. Did he hire the same guy's who did Joe Lieberman's site?
posted by delmoi at 12:05 PM on August 25, 2006

Hmmm. Well, the friend who sent me the link tells me that she got it from Andrew Sullivan, so that's probably where the overflow is coming from, though I'd like to believe it's us.
posted by Navelgazer at 12:10 PM on August 25, 2006

Is there a google cache anywhere?
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 12:11 PM on August 25, 2006

We have a guy on our team who thinks he's a pirate?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 12:22 PM on August 25, 2006

Oh no! Novelty politics!
posted by TwelveTwo at 12:25 PM on August 25, 2006

Is there a google cache anywhere?

posted by eddydamascene at 12:25 PM on August 25, 2006

What's alarming me is that the more I read, the more I realize that, once I get past the gimmick, his views match mine almost exactly. I really want to see this guy in congress. Honestly. I think he might be able to do some good.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:16 PM on August 25, 2006

Yeah okay whatever, but where does he stand on Iraq?
posted by Skygazer at 1:19 PM on August 25, 2006

If Jesse Ventura can be Governor of Minnesota, this guy can be a congresscritter.
posted by darkness at 1:22 PM on August 25, 2006

On one hand I applaud any action that brings the farce of American Politics closer to the three-ring circus it already is. But every now and then, in the dark of the night, this spate of Novelty Politicians reminds me of another empire and it's wacky politics.
posted by lekvar at 1:28 PM on August 25, 2006

with real binding effects into my after life

Cause that's gonna happen.
posted by Sparx at 1:50 PM on August 25, 2006

Read his blogs (the website's been sort of on-and-off today) and you'll see that he really is issue-oriented and not just a circus freak. He could best be described as a civil libertarian but fiscal liberal. I bet if we searched around MeFi, we could find a few commenters who share that viewpoint as well. Pro-gay-rights, Pro-gun-rights, Government-off-our-bodies, pro-estate-tax (for many of the same reasons stated here) and pro-campaign-finance-reform.

In short, this guy seems like the real deal. Third-party candidates come in four flavors. Career Pols who can't get their own party's endorsement (e.g. Lieberman), wackos out to get fifteen minutes of fame (e.g. Lobsterman), Spoilers (Perot, Galisano), and honest people who want change enough to go after it, the hell with the machines.

I posted this as a curiosity, and since then I've been going back to it all day, reading more. While the "pirate party" thing seems to put him in the Lobsterman camp, the more you read, the more you'll realize that he's for real, and deadly serious about his issues, and that he's put limitations on himself in order to make sure that his issues don't get corrupted.

It seems like there are many good reasons to not like the guy (such as the drinking, though that doesn't bother me) but his steadfastness and honesty seem unimpeachable. And when you're running without accepting donations, you probably need a gimmick to stay afloat.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:55 PM on August 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

his steadfastness and honesty seem unimpeachable

How in the world can you reach that conclusion based solely on the assertions in this guy's website?
posted by hawkeye at 2:13 PM on August 25, 2006

Because he said so, and he's honest!
posted by freebird at 2:33 PM on August 25, 2006

Yeah, see, I don't want any more unimpeachable politicians.
posted by sonofsamiam at 2:34 PM on August 25, 2006

Navelgazer: You might also be interested in Ed Fallon. (As an issues-oriented politician from Iowa, not as a circus freak.)
posted by jaronson at 2:35 PM on August 25, 2006

I thought I was being a rebel voting for Arnold here in California. Blah! I mean Blaaarrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Hmm, I'm kind of a Pirate myself-Moof ovah Ahnolt!
posted by snsranch at 5:04 PM on August 25, 2006

When I said that, I was referring to his refusal to accept donations, and his willingness to offend the body politic, not as a stunt, but as fearless assertions of his beliefs, which are actually far more reasoned than anything I'm hearing from Washington.

As for the Pirate thing, I'm not sure where I come down on that, purely from a Poli-Sci point of view. If you read the site, you can tell that he doesn't actually believe himself to be a pirate, but he's using the term as his image and as a description of his ethos and rough lifestyle. His blog entries describe his actual views, which are worthwhile and the purpose of his campaign.

He believes that he who works harder deserves a little more, and yet supports the estate tax because those who have earned enough to pay it owe some debt back to the culture that allowed them their success. He believes the firearms are a right of the citizen, but chooses not to own one himself. He hates abortion, but believes that they should remain legal, and that the country should support contraceptives, better sex education, and a more informed dialog in order to keep girls and women from ending up in the situation where abortions become necessary. He crusades against traffic-cams, even though he knows he'll never get them taken down, because he wants the legislature to know how many people are against them, and even though he accepts that his own speeding ticket from a traffic-cam is legitimate, and thus didn't fight it. Still, he believes that beat cops are a better solution, and that people commit crimes, not their possesions. He believes that helmet laws are over-reaching, and that we have no responsibility to protect the selves of those who won't protect themselves. And he told the bikers the same thing. He belives that supporting ethanol while taking oil contributions is political pandering. And he belives in gay rights, and in fact equal rights for all citizens, while decrying both parties (particularly the right, obviously) for allowing gay rights to become a wedge issue.

These aren't the rantings of a crackpot circus-freak. These are well thought-out arguments for more common sense solutions to problems which are generally used for political posturing and nothing else. The pirate thing, as it's presented now to the casual observer, can do two things for him, likely simultaneously. It can get him free media, which he'll need with his finance position, but it'll also misrepresent him as simply crazy, which he isn't. With any luck, I'll be personally in touch with him tomorrow about how to refine that to put his issues at the forefront, and about what I can do for him from Brooklyn that doesn't involve me sending him money I don't have.

But don't look at him as a circus freak. Read what he has to say (if the website is up) and know that, for many of us, he's the congressman that the country needs right now.
posted by Navelgazer at 5:16 PM on August 25, 2006

And jaronson, thanks for pointing Fallon out to me. He seems to be supporting much the same platform. If I were an Iowan, I'd definitely vote for him. AT the same time, if I were an Iowan, I'd quit my job to volunteer on the Hill campaign staff, if only for his balls-out dedication to making sure that his own house is above reproach on his issues.
posted by Navelgazer at 5:22 PM on August 25, 2006

The Pirate sounds like an ordinary smart guy who's comfortable with who he is, and so has no beefs with people who choose to live differently than he chooses.

Soudns like he'd make a great politician, 'cause he isn't sounding like one of your typical US politicians.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:03 PM on August 25, 2006

He'll do well, as long as he's not opposed by a ninja.
posted by modernerd at 6:43 PM on August 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

From his first rally:

As Hooters Sarah was getting a beer for my Samoan Campaign Manager she shrieked loudly and pointed over at the trees. The gesture was followed immediately with her and her friend both projectile vomiting in to the cooler. I am not aware of any studies predicting what will make nubile young girls vomit. If any of you undertake such a study put two Winos engaging in oral sex at the top of the list. As if the two hotties tossing up chow were not enough, the man who had earlier been accosted by Buffalo Bob, pulled a length of chain from his jeans walked over and began whipping the two depredates violently. All control of my political function was lost. The few attendees scattered at the sight of the violence and gross sexual deviance foul cursing of anger and pain ruled the park and good people wanted no part of this. Some even turned on the pirate as if this is what I had planned for my first rally. The horror of it all has left me drifting. Can I pick up and stay on my message of hope for our republic? If I can not, no man could. I will be working with a smaller budget as I agreed to pay for therapy sessions for the girls, hospital bills for the perverts and bail for the chain slinging mad man. As a warning to any of Braley or Whalen’s henchmen, the chain whippier will be my new head of security so mock the pirate at your peril!
posted by leftcoastbob at 8:31 PM on August 25, 2006

You know, I wish there were more guys like him. It's not even about winning at this point, it's just getting honesty and reality into a sector of American politics that sorely needs it. I wish I had a someone like that to vote for. Wait, I've got Barbara Lee! Wicked!
posted by Doublewhiskeycokenoice at 8:48 PM on August 25, 2006

1. a person who robs or commits illegal violence at sea or on the shores of the sea.
2. a ship used by such persons.
3. any plunderer, predator, etc.: confidence men, slumlords, and other pirates.
4. a person who uses or reproduces the work or invention of another without authorization

Honest pirate? One who admits he will steal?
posted by Cranberry at 12:37 AM on August 26, 2006

More pirate politics, please.

"Like the American revolutionaries, pirates developed three branches of government with checks and balances. The ship captain was elected, just as the U.S. president; the pirate assembly was comparable to Congress; and the quartermaster resembled a judge in settling shipmate disputes and preventing the captain from overstepping his authority, he said

These ideals grew out of both groups’ frustration at being mistreated by their leaders; the British forced the colonists to quarter troops and pay taxes, and captains on merchant ships beat their shipmen, starved them and paid less than promised, Acosta said."
posted by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 6:07 AM on August 26, 2006

leftcoastbob, that may be one of the finest blog entries I have ever read on the seven internets.
posted by blacklite at 1:58 PM on August 26, 2006

I sense in the 'Samoan Campaign Manager' a nod and wink to Hunter S Thompson, which situates this guy nicely for me (even if he doesn't really write all that well).
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:33 PM on August 27, 2006

I'd rather have a wife in frontame than....uh...a frontal...uh...ah, crap.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:57 PM on August 28, 2006

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