confusing refuge
October 2, 2006 3:25 PM   Subscribe

Male Restroom Etiquette. For the public restroom inclined.
posted by four panels (38 comments total)
This has been on my mind a lot lately. I've been enuring a long layoff-related drama at my job (short version: they laid me off three months ago but keep pushing the separation date back, so we know they don't want us but they wont let us leave.)

The perpetrator of the layoffs, a dot-com gazillionaire who wears an asinine Indiana Jones hat on his bald dome and who's myspace page identifies him as a 'bisexual swinger,' cornered me in the elevator to look deeply into my eyes and say that 'uncertainty is very disarming.' He also like to talk to me at the urinal whenever we happen to be there at the same time. My simple rule is this: if I've had sex with you or you're a longstanding drinking buddy, we can conversate as we micturate, otherwise pee time is me time.
posted by jonmc at 3:36 PM on October 2, 2006 [2 favorites]

They lost me as soon as they said only 3/5 urinals could be used. IN THEORY you should be able to support more than one person on each urinal. Still no peaking or crossing streams though.
posted by furtive at 3:47 PM on October 2, 2006

You have to watch the whole thing.
posted by four panels at 3:50 PM on October 2, 2006

I'm sure this is a repost, where the original was a flash regular style animation. Looks like somebody with time on their hands simply redid it with the sims, just as "the internet is for porn" was redone for some reason with warcraft characters, as if that somehow made it better (the puppets were already perfect).
posted by Citizen Premier at 3:51 PM on October 2, 2006

I've seen this in flash, and it was so dull I'm not going to bother with this one.

I didn't know abuot the puppets, Citizen Premier, but the warcraft internet is for porn was utterly genius.
posted by bonaldi at 3:59 PM on October 2, 2006

Nicely done. But now do one on female restroom etiquette, cos they like go two and two and wazzup with dat amirite hay guys lol
posted by soundofsuburbia at 4:08 PM on October 2, 2006 [2 favorites]

cos they like go two and two

that's cause they're having wild lesbian sex in there. sorry you had to find out this way, dude.
posted by jonmc at 4:10 PM on October 2, 2006

Is that so? Well then, bring forth the italics: now do one on female restroom etiquette.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 4:13 PM on October 2, 2006

I'm still gonna chat with some friends while pissing if I decide to. It's not like I sit there after I'm done just holding it until our conversation is done. Also 3/5? All the rest of the videos break that very rule.
posted by Phantomx at 4:13 PM on October 2, 2006

The center stall in our women's room is almost always the first to be occupied. Noone wants the first stall, which is the least private, or the last which is the huge handicapped stall.
posted by onlyconnect at 4:15 PM on October 2, 2006

"They struck up a conversation about Linux, and lost all track of time."
posted by kirkaracha at 4:16 PM on October 2, 2006

I've always held the belief - nay, the knowledge - that the best and most accurate way to calculate the halfway mark between two points is by placing urinals at regular intervals between them, then seeing which one the third guy pees in.
posted by armoured-ant at 4:23 PM on October 2, 2006 [1 favorite]

Female restroom etiquette from Everything2.
posted by tracicle at 4:27 PM on October 2, 2006

Indeed, bonaldi, Tony-award winning genius. Too bad they hardly ever get credit for it on teh interwebs. Instead, millions think some WoW players came up with it. (Sorry, this is a pet peeve of mine. I'll go.)
posted by BeerFilter at 4:28 PM on October 2, 2006

Previously on Askme
posted by kosher_jenny at 4:33 PM on October 2, 2006

This brings back horrible memories. At my last job, the CEO was also a bathroom talker. As someone who likes to keep to himself while at the urinal, I would cringe whenever he walked in and started firing questions at me.
posted by sourmike at 5:30 PM on October 2, 2006

On the contrary, the huge handicapped stall is the best one. Crippled dudes hafta wait while I stretch out and read the Globe and Mail on the Blackberry.
posted by CynicalKnight at 5:42 PM on October 2, 2006

I have recently been showering at some nearby gym facilities, and of course changing-room etiquette is even more complicated than bathroom etiquette (well, not really - it boils down to, don't look at people's junk and don't make people look at your junk).

However, anyone that's been to a changing room knows protocol violations are rife. Last week, though, I saw the most flagrant violation of masculine code of conduct ever penned. A guy walked out of the shower naked (he's one of the old guys you all know about), walked into the public bathroom, and took a piss. A piss. Totally naked. He finishes up and just turns around, dripping cock and all. There was a brief yet palpable cloud of discomfort in the room.
posted by kfx at 5:43 PM on October 2, 2006 [1 favorite]

kfx: it's the locker room, nudity's ok there as is the occasional throwing of feces at the walls.
posted by jonmc at 5:53 PM on October 2, 2006

Someone please explain to me the acceptable rules for pissing in my neighbor's shop where he works on his Harley. The urinal consisted of a funnel attached to a hose that went outside the wall. Was two at the funnel ok? Was it ok if you peed a bit on the fridge next to the hole in the wall (as long as you didn't get anything on the beer cans)?

What a bunch of whimps... If you ain't peeing on the next guy's shoes, there's room for one more...

damn, ya'll should be wearing dresses!
posted by HuronBob at 5:56 PM on October 2, 2006

damn, ya'll should be wearing dresses!

well, we could just flip the skirt up and pee rather than fiddling with button-flys...but I really don't have the legs to carry it off.
posted by jonmc at 6:00 PM on October 2, 2006

HuronBob writes "damn, ya'll should be wearing dresses!"

Uhm you sure your big boy harley owner friend didn't set up the funnel to admire your tubes ?
posted by elpapacito at 6:01 PM on October 2, 2006

butt pudding?
posted by moonbird at 6:04 PM on October 2, 2006

This subject has been covered before, but I'll plug the International Center for Bathroom Etiquette yet again...
posted by mhh5 at 6:08 PM on October 2, 2006

Was two at the funnel ok?

true story: I was once out with a few friends at a crowded pool hall/bar. At the next table, was a suave motherfucker wearing a t-shirt reading 'I Fuck On The First Date.' Several beers later, I was behind him in the long line for the men's room. He saw me squirming, so when his turn came he said, "share the bowl?" "Not while you're wearing that shirt, dude."
posted by jonmc at 6:13 PM on October 2, 2006 [1 favorite]

What a bunch of whimps... If you ain't peeing on the next guy's shoes, there's room for one more...

I was invited to lunch at the House of Lords dining rooms recently, and while I was there, I took the opportunity to take a piss.

The bathrooms were completely deserted, so I didn't get the opportunity to check out the size of Black Rod's pink rod.

What impressed me though, was the fact that all along floor at the urinals was a strip of glass some eight inches high that had the function of preventing splashback.

I guess there's nothing worse than cleaning the piss stains out of your ermine robes...
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:22 PM on October 2, 2006

Nowhere near as good as the original, the Kiwi Bloke's guide to taking a leak.
posted by fet at 6:59 PM on October 2, 2006

Bah. Take a urinal as remote as possible. If there's no choice go where you can. You're looking for the shortest elapsed time to emptying your bladder and refilling it with more beer, no? If some clown's homophobia is standing between me and my next beer that's his problem.

Yes, chatting is problematic. I find it can reduce stress, if it's pithy and topical. Slagging the band or making fun of rude or overly drunk bathroom users are good examples. Keep it short and to the point.

A couple of other things... anybody else tired of dudes sidling up to the next urinal and doing over-the-top hetero things like working up a big gob and spitting into the urinal as if to say "Ha, no fag would do that, huh?"

Finally, the real objective seems to be to get whizzing quickly to prove you're not a little wieny with stage fright. The trick is to make a lot of splash or hit the pool in the bottom so everyone can hear you going. All's well here fellas!
posted by crowman at 10:48 PM on October 2, 2006

although it has its flaws, im totally fine with it however it could have used a good editor. the second half was mighty drawn out.

plus they should have explained Why you dont flush an unflushed stall-toilet - because its probably clogged and will overflow.

learned that at the Bears game a few sundays ago - a bathroom that broke all the rules in this video since it was nearly halftime and all the men suddenly started singing and chanting "Da Bears" "Dit-ka" etc.
posted by tsarfan at 11:46 PM on October 2, 2006

However, anyone that's been to a changing room knows protocol violations are rife.

My fave, if that's the right word, had to be the guy who kept washing himself in the sink. Head to toe naked, using the hand soap and handfulls of water, getting it all over the bathroom floor on the way to the changeroom from the pool, showers a stone's throw away. Always there.

Actually, that whole gym demanded a practice of keeping your eyes severely squinted so you could take note of these things, the better to avoid them, yet not see too clearly just what the hell was actually going on.
posted by dreamsign at 1:57 AM on October 3, 2006

However, anyone that's been to a changing room knows protocol violations are rife.

Here's the horror I witnessed recently: totally naked guy standing in front of a full length mirror attempting to dry his vast being with an electric hair dryer.

Ok, so you're forced to improvise because you've forgotten your towel, but dont cock your leg up like a labrador and blow dry your arse hair.
posted by verisimilitude at 4:08 AM on October 3, 2006

Make it a point to whistle while you piss. Take that, Hagbard Celine!
posted by pax digita at 5:26 AM on October 3, 2006

The 3/5 thing is crap - if you have to stand next to someone, you just choose the one nearest the door. Taking extra steps to get between two guys is weird. Taking extra steps, period, is weird. Always go for the closest one.
Talking is allowed, but only to someone who's doing the same thing.
If there's a line, talking to someone else in line is fine. It's not generally wise to talk at the urinal, but as long as it's to someone else who's peeing, and there's no head-turning, it's admissable.
posted by hypersloth at 7:40 AM on October 3, 2006

It's not generally wise to talk at the urinal, but as long as it's to someone else who's peeing, and there's no head-turning, it's admissable.

It's permissible?

Or are you saying that I can get those urinal statements into court? :P
posted by dreamsign at 8:20 AM on October 3, 2006

hypersloth: I go the other way -- the rule is always position yourself as far as possible from other guys and then as far from the door, in that order. So in the 3/5 situation, I'd take the one away from the door. The theory is that the door represents a public space, and you want to be as far from public spaces as possible.

I don't know. It makes sense to me.
posted by rusty at 11:56 AM on October 3, 2006

My office floor, regrettably, has only two urinals side-by-side. I do like the 3/5ths rule and sometimes use the stall when one urinal is occupied or sometimes am too lazy to walk to the stall. And the two urinals don't have dividers between them which is annoying. The 3/5ths rule clearly need not apply if there are dividers. My biggest pet peeve: a trough instead of urinals.
posted by Azaadistani at 12:15 PM on October 3, 2006

May I present for you safety and comfort:

The Bathroom Safety Guide
posted by lumpenprole at 12:29 PM on October 3, 2006

My husband wanted me to relate the story of "Dawg," alternately known as "Bro-Man," and occasionally, "Robert." Dawg worked with my husband and was by all accounts a helluva sweet guy but the ultimate Men's Room Mr. Bungle.

Exhibit A: As Dave, my husband, is standing at the sink washing his hands, Dawg walks past him and stands at the urinal. As he unzips, he begins to speak in soft, coaxing tones, "Oh come out of there hog-head, come on, let's go now." Dave hears the urine splash accompanied by soft moans of "Oh Hoggie, Hoggie, Hoggie...yeaaahhh."

Exhibit B: Again Dave is washing his hands. Behind him, visible in the mirror is a closed door to one of the stalls. From the stall comes the voice of Dawg, "Who's that?" Dave ignores the question having staunch rules about s[eaking to anyone who may be performing an actual body function. He moves over to the urinal, and Dawg-- apparently having detected Dave's footsteps-- cries out, "Dave, is that you?"



Dave finishes his business at the urinal, moves back to the sink to wash his hands, and hears from the stall, "Dave, is that still you?"
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:46 PM on October 3, 2006 [2 favorites]

« Older Back to Back to the Future.   |   If they can't find a book that uses clean words... Newer »

This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments