Another Los Alamos Security Breach

October 25, 2006 8:35 AM

Tweakers with nuclear weapons technology Exactly what the world needs in these uncertain times.
posted by empath (25 comments total)

Woops, I meant to have a question mark after the link.
posted by empath at 8:36 AM on October 25, 2006

*spews coffee all over monitor*

Best. Headline. Ever.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to find a mop and a dry keyboard.
posted by loquacious at 8:38 AM on October 25, 2006

The sweat is beating on the brow
Can't keep these fellas down
'Cause those damned blue-collared tweakers
Are runnin' this here town
posted by StrasbourgSecaucus at 9:33 AM on October 25, 2006

You're being ironic, right? Because we would never want nutjobs on drugs to control nukular weapons.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:43 AM on October 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

It's only a problem if he's a Muslim.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:48 AM on October 25, 2006

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was minutes away from running the final bit of wiring through the crawlspace under his mobile home, crafting the final connection required to bring his vacuum-cylinder nuclear reactor to life and humanity to its collective knees. The only thing this FPP is missing is a Weekly World News style photoshop hackjob of a nuclear detonation test behind a smoldering pile of meth superimposed on a trailer park.
posted by prostyle at 9:50 AM on October 25, 2006

maybe he's just a basehead who wanted to try smoking some serious radioactive shit
posted by matteo at 9:51 AM on October 25, 2006

This is somehow Clinton's fault.
posted by psmealey at 9:56 AM on October 25, 2006

Tonight, on a very special episode of "Cops".
posted by empath at 10:00 AM on October 25, 2006

You're being ironic, right? Because we would never want nutjobs on drugs to control nukular weapons.

posted by weapons-grade pandemonium

Eponysterical.

No, I can't help but laugh at something like "Tweakers score nukes." My brain won't survive otherwise. It's like something out of a Judge Dredd or Demolition Man comic. Or Pirate Corp$.

"What's it shoot?"

"Grapefruit juice cans. Fulla concrete."
posted by loquacious at 10:02 AM on October 25, 2006

I just have a really vivid picture in my head of a bearded, shirtless meth addict peeking out of blanket-covered windows while a couple of national guard divisions bear down on his trailer.

In his left hand is a budweiser, and cradled in his right arm is a nuclear bomb, encased in a used propane canister.

He's yelling to his common-law wife of 10 years who is sitting on the couch behind him, smoking meth out of a glass pipe, oblivious -- "See, I told you, I GODDAMNED TOLD YOU!" While he's pointing at the black helicopters circling above.
posted by empath at 10:13 AM on October 25, 2006 [2 favorites]

...according to an FBI official who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitive nature of the case.

FBI official blows espionage investigation? I think maybe there's less here than meets the eye.
posted by Western Infidels at 10:21 AM on October 25, 2006

ya know, this seems kind of insignificant ... until you remember that north korea apparently has been cooking meth.
posted by lester's sock puppet at 10:26 AM on October 25, 2006

until you remember that north korea apparently has been cooking meth.

Is there anything those North Koreans can't do?
posted by drezdn at 10:40 AM on October 25, 2006

Eat twice in a day? Embrace capitalism or socialism? Build a nuke or missile that works? Get taken seriously by the world at large?
posted by loquacious at 11:06 AM on October 25, 2006

"We're waiting with baited breath to see if anything has changed."


Grrr.
posted by owhydididoit at 11:19 AM on October 25, 2006

They were talking about this on the radio this morning. Eyebrows were raised.
posted by taosbat at 11:30 AM on October 25, 2006

Hmm, I dunno. If you gave a tweaker a nuclear bomb, he'd just disassemble it.

I could see a special place for them in our detonation squads. They take apart mines or else they don't get their next hit.

And if it goes boom, oh well.

/kidding
//or am I?
///nuh nuh NUHHHHHHH
posted by InnocentBystander at 11:38 AM on October 25, 2006

Funny the things that move along the black market. In a way I'm not surprised. I bet he traded some meth for the documents, just so he could say he had the documents.
posted by elwoodwiles at 11:40 AM on October 25, 2006

I have to concur - best headline ever.
posted by sixdifferentways at 1:47 PM on October 25, 2006

You're being ironic, right? Because we would never want nutjobs on drugs to control nukular weapons.

You mean OTHER nutjobs than the ones who control them now?
posted by clevershark at 3:07 PM on October 25, 2006

wow, empath is truly funny. i'm psyched to go look at her/his/its other comments (rather than work).
posted by Gaius Gracchus at 3:08 PM on October 25, 2006

I had that exact same mental picture, empath.
posted by quite unimportant at 4:23 PM on October 25, 2006

...they appeared to contain classified material and were stored on a computer file.

God I love clueful, insightful reporting.

They're putting computers in those things nowadays?
posted by Mr. Gunn at 11:19 PM on October 25, 2006

They're in the computer!. It's so simple!
posted by empath at 5:54 AM on October 26, 2006