Open Up Your Mouth And Feed It
January 19, 2007 12:16 AM Subscribe
Porn Bread: recipes for making your own Vagina Danishes, Bukkookies, and Ejaculaires! SFW, but may be difficult to explain to prudish or hungry co-workers.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- frimble
Erotic Cakes 2.0
Seriously, when We were made Man of the Year did they, what, miss this stuff? Choose to ignore it? I mean, it's out there in plain sight.
Actually, maybe this is the point entirely: if there is a way on this planet to make an eclair look unpalatable, then surely the Internet will figure it out. And good God, has it ever.
posted by Tiresias at 1:29 AM on January 19, 2007
Seriously, when We were made Man of the Year did they, what, miss this stuff? Choose to ignore it? I mean, it's out there in plain sight.
Actually, maybe this is the point entirely: if there is a way on this planet to make an eclair look unpalatable, then surely the Internet will figure it out. And good God, has it ever.
posted by Tiresias at 1:29 AM on January 19, 2007
Excellent copy-n-pastries! (However, being Danish, I can testify that not all patties look like that).
posted by Bravocharlie at 1:33 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by Bravocharlie at 1:33 AM on January 19, 2007
However, being Danish, I can testify that not all patties look like that
I have a cold so these all taste flemish.
posted by hal9k at 1:52 AM on January 19, 2007
I have a cold so these all taste flemish.
posted by hal9k at 1:52 AM on January 19, 2007
A few years ago my good friend Jesse came back to northeast Florida with a college buddy from Brown University. His friend being a Caribbean island-man we took him fishing in the Atlantic at the jetties near St. Augustine. Not much a fishing stop, but certainly a good way of absorbing some of the best of Florida. Not being born in my part of the world, Jesse was always trying to show his new friends what The South really was.
I'm getting to the sex food, give me a minute, K? Gotta build to it. Gotta do it right.
Jesse figured the only way to top off a night of fishing and drinking rum on a beach overlooking the oldest city in America was to take his friend to Waffle House at 2am, which I concurred was as decidedly southern as one can get without actually being in a Huddle House somewhere in southwest Georgia at 4am. For those not in the know, Waffle House is about as low as you can go [in both the best and worst ways] when looking for a restaurant. Cheap and tasty food of dubious origin typically served by a down-and-out redneck looking for tip money at 3am. It's not uncommon to have your server also cook your food.
After giving a warning of, "you can eat anything, just stay away from the meat" we all placed our orders. Having a manic sweet tooth and no pot belly at the time I ordered a strawberry waffle. Delicious and you can fool yourself by pretending it's healthy. Our cook/waiter was a thin but jolly 20-toothed man of obvious trailer park descent. The kind of guy who just didn't quite cut it in truck driver school like his more well-off high school buddies, but his attitude and perseverance through adversity obviously marked him as future WH management material by the powers that be.
Everyone's food came quick, except mine. "I got something special fer ya!," I was informed. I was thinking of fresh berries, something not to hard to find on the cheap on Florida back roads in the winter.
A minute later my strawberry waffle dish came. Whipped cream lined the edge of the round pancake. Bisecting though the center was a long and narrow oval whipped cream valley which had been filled with strawberries and fake strawberry glaze.
"I made ja' ah wuhman!!!!"
posted by trinarian at 2:59 AM on January 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
I'm getting to the sex food, give me a minute, K? Gotta build to it. Gotta do it right.
Jesse figured the only way to top off a night of fishing and drinking rum on a beach overlooking the oldest city in America was to take his friend to Waffle House at 2am, which I concurred was as decidedly southern as one can get without actually being in a Huddle House somewhere in southwest Georgia at 4am. For those not in the know, Waffle House is about as low as you can go [in both the best and worst ways] when looking for a restaurant. Cheap and tasty food of dubious origin typically served by a down-and-out redneck looking for tip money at 3am. It's not uncommon to have your server also cook your food.
After giving a warning of, "you can eat anything, just stay away from the meat" we all placed our orders. Having a manic sweet tooth and no pot belly at the time I ordered a strawberry waffle. Delicious and you can fool yourself by pretending it's healthy. Our cook/waiter was a thin but jolly 20-toothed man of obvious trailer park descent. The kind of guy who just didn't quite cut it in truck driver school like his more well-off high school buddies, but his attitude and perseverance through adversity obviously marked him as future WH management material by the powers that be.
Everyone's food came quick, except mine. "I got something special fer ya!," I was informed. I was thinking of fresh berries, something not to hard to find on the cheap on Florida back roads in the winter.
A minute later my strawberry waffle dish came. Whipped cream lined the edge of the round pancake. Bisecting though the center was a long and narrow oval whipped cream valley which had been filled with strawberries and fake strawberry glaze.
"I made ja' ah wuhman!!!!"
posted by trinarian at 2:59 AM on January 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
Take reserved plain white icing. It should be fluid and not too stiff. Add milk or water if necessary to achieve a drippy, but not runny consistency. Use a spoon to drizzle the "jizz" over the face cookies. Use as much as desired.
Nice, clear, easy-to-follow instructions.
posted by three blind mice at 3:04 AM on January 19, 2007
Nice, clear, easy-to-follow instructions.
posted by three blind mice at 3:04 AM on January 19, 2007
Fun Friday post fandango_matt! Bukkookies and Ejaculaires, so bad.
There's also the Erotic Baker and Naughty Baker's Diminished Sex Drive Starting To Affect His Work.
Chocolate Fantasies: Female and male.
Erotic Chocolate. Naughty party stuff. Erotic fruits and vegetables.
posted by nickyskye at 3:15 AM on January 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
There's also the Erotic Baker and Naughty Baker's Diminished Sex Drive Starting To Affect His Work.
Chocolate Fantasies: Female and male.
Erotic Chocolate. Naughty party stuff. Erotic fruits and vegetables.
posted by nickyskye at 3:15 AM on January 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
After the kind of party you serve these at, Mike Nifong gets to prosecute you.
posted by jfuller at 3:27 AM on January 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by jfuller at 3:27 AM on January 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
I don't think any page with the words "eat my pussy" can be considered safe for work, though.
posted by The Deej at 5:04 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by The Deej at 5:04 AM on January 19, 2007
if there is a way on this planet to make an eclair look unpalatable, then surely the Internet will figure it out. And good God, has it ever.
I got turned off eclaires after watching Van Wilder, personally.
posted by mkb at 5:21 AM on January 19, 2007
I got turned off eclaires after watching Van Wilder, personally.
posted by mkb at 5:21 AM on January 19, 2007
trinarian you take that back, waffle house is the best the south has to offer!!
posted by jcterminal at 5:35 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by jcterminal at 5:35 AM on January 19, 2007
I don't think any page with the words "eat my pussy" can be considered safe for work, though.
So what does that make this post, now?
posted by uncleozzy at 5:37 AM on January 19, 2007
So what does that make this post, now?
posted by uncleozzy at 5:37 AM on January 19, 2007
Stone Age. Iron Age. Plastic Age. Cake Age?
Snacks for fat perverts. Great.
(We're doomed.)
posted by Skygazer at 5:44 AM on January 19, 2007
Snacks for fat perverts. Great.
(We're doomed.)
posted by Skygazer at 5:44 AM on January 19, 2007
Keep your vagina danishes; I prefer danish vaginas!
posted by LordSludge at 6:02 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by LordSludge at 6:02 AM on January 19, 2007
I do not want a Bukkookie.
But I kinda want to make one.
posted by kosem at 6:41 AM on January 19, 2007
But I kinda want to make one.
posted by kosem at 6:41 AM on January 19, 2007
Alas. Sent to hang for stealing a loaf of porn.
posted by bicyclefish at 7:17 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by bicyclefish at 7:17 AM on January 19, 2007
Back when I was a kid, my mother used to make penis cakes for her and female friends' birthdays (Twinkies, cupcakes, cover in frosting) and boob cakes (layer cake, Hostess Snowballs, cover in frosting) for my father's and male friends' birthdays. Then she found Jesus and stopped doing that kind of thing.
I guess Jesus doesn't like the pr0n cakes.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:23 AM on January 19, 2007
I guess Jesus doesn't like the pr0n cakes.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:23 AM on January 19, 2007
Jesus did not have genitalia; maybe that explains it.
posted by LordSludge at 7:34 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by LordSludge at 7:34 AM on January 19, 2007
people that willingly put a baked good in their mouth that resembles a human body part, worry me.
posted by nola at 7:47 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by nola at 7:47 AM on January 19, 2007
I'm sure there's more, but these three popped into my head instantly while perusing the link (in order from least to most pornoriffic):
- Lingue di Suocera - Mother in Law's Tongue. A savory rather than a sweet.
- Minne di Sant'Agata/vergine - Saint Agatha's/Virgin's Mammaries
- La sorchetta con doppio schizzo - Little pussy with two squirts: cream & chocolate. Made (locally famous) by a late night Roman pastry shop, by now known to all as the sorchetteria (little pussy shop).
DIY creativity is great and all, but I think these professionally made Kama Sutra Chocolates frankly look classier.
posted by Western Infidels at 8:06 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by Western Infidels at 8:06 AM on January 19, 2007
Bukkookies
Heh.
/me totally wants to make some of these with Giada de Laurentis
posted by dios at 8:28 AM on January 19, 2007
Heh.
/me totally wants to make some of these with Giada de Laurentis
posted by dios at 8:28 AM on January 19, 2007
I'm pretty disappointed that they elected to call what are clearly vagina dentata cookies "Vampire Vaginas." Must we dumb down our pornographic pastry archetypes for the ignorant masses?
posted by nanojath at 9:26 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by nanojath at 9:26 AM on January 19, 2007
As in real life, some of these are look tastier than others, but the very happy gingerbread man here made me smile.
posted by mosk at 9:37 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by mosk at 9:37 AM on January 19, 2007
trinarian you take that back, waffle house is the best the south has to offer!!
posted by jcterminal
Truly damning with faint praise.
Imagine the possibilities of refried beans.
posted by nofundy at 10:04 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by jcterminal
Truly damning with faint praise.
Imagine the possibilities of refried beans.
posted by nofundy at 10:04 AM on January 19, 2007
Shame I can't find video online of a certain Patrick Stewart SNL Skit
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:20 AM on January 19, 2007
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:20 AM on January 19, 2007
people that willingly put a baked good in their mouth that resembles a human body part, worry me.
posted by nola at 9:47 AM CST on January 19
You never heard of a gingerbread man or a ladyfinger?
posted by Ynoxas at 11:53 PM on January 20, 2007
posted by nola at 9:47 AM CST on January 19
You never heard of a gingerbread man or a ladyfinger?
posted by Ynoxas at 11:53 PM on January 20, 2007
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posted by hal9k at 12:30 AM on January 19, 2007 [2 favorites]