Alas, A Darwin Award Eludes Him.
February 15, 2007 5:28 PM   Subscribe

quin attacks sandwich with his bare hands; blames hunger.

I wonder how many things could be appended with "; blames vodka" that would cause them to suddenly make much more sense.

/Represses urge to make Bush drinking joke

posted by quin at 5:42 PM on February 15, 2007

Also, Bronze whaler sharks are not small. They are also listed as 'aggressive'.

I wonder how this guy managed to not get seriously hurt. Luck of the drunk, I guess.
posted by quin at 5:45 PM on February 15, 2007

Blame?! Thank, more likely.

Oh, wait... he didn't do it as self defense. Poor shark. Just swimming around and wHaM! some stupid bloke's molesting you.
posted by porpoise at 5:50 PM on February 15, 2007

Amusing that the previous post's title is "The One that Got Away".
posted by Burhanistan at 6:01 PM on February 15, 2007


posted by pompomtom at 6:11 PM on February 15, 2007

no... blame fark.
posted by wumpus at 6:31 PM on February 15, 2007

At first I was all like, holy crap! Then I was like, Wait, this guy was Australian? Meh. Dog bites man. Australians are hoss, and nothing they do surprises me.
posted by chinston at 6:34 PM on February 15, 2007

I told you i was hardcore!
posted by CautionToTheWind at 6:35 PM on February 15, 2007

Was it the same guy as in this thread, by any chance? That might explain a lot.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:49 PM on February 15, 2007

Bleh. Lame. This guy is an actual hero, though.
posted by Rhomboid at 7:01 PM on February 15, 2007

Upon reading the articles...pfffft! A pussy little four-foot bronze whaler shark? The worst they can do to you is get in your way when you're trying to catch a wave.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:11 PM on February 15, 2007

What, we're just supposed to take this guy's word for it? No witnesses, no video, no photos, no nothing? Just he says it happened?

Oh, but he's Australian.

OK, I believe it.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:39 PM on February 15, 2007

Feh. I "attack the shark" on a near daily basis. Vodka is often involved.
posted by sourwookie at 7:46 PM on February 15, 2007

"Man attacks Shark with his bare hands; blames vodka."

That describes most of the women I had sex with in my 20s.
posted by davy at 7:59 PM on February 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Now the swimmer and the female shark saved by him confront each other. For minutes they stare fixedly into each other's eyes. They swim circling, keeping each other in sight, and each thinking: "I was wrong all along. Here is one more evil than I." Then in unison they glided underwater towards each other, in mutual admiration, the female shark slitting open the waves with her fins, Maldoror's arms thrashing the water; and they held their breaths, in deepest reverence, each one anxious to gaze for the first time upon his living image. Effortlessly, at only three yards apart, they suddenly fell upon one another like two magnets, in an embrace of dignity and gratitude, clasping each other tenderly as brother and sister. Carnal desire soon followed this display of affection. Like two leeches, a pair of nervous thighs gripped tightly against the monster's viscous flesh, and arms and fins wrapped around the objects of their desire, surrounding their bodies with love, while their breasts and bellies soon fused into one bluish-green mass reeking of sea-wrack, in the midst of the tempest still raging by the light of lightning; with the foamy waves for a wedding bed, borne on an undersea current as if in a cradle, rolling and rolling down into the bottomless ocean depths, they came together in a long, chaste, and hideous mating!... At last I had found somebody who was like me!... From now on I was no longer alone in life!... Her ideas were the same as mine!... I was face to face with my first love!

Lautramont: The Songs of Maldoror, Second Canto, Stanza 13: The Shipwreck and Sharks (Maldoror's First Love)
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:14 PM on February 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

D'oh! Lautreamont. International typo day continus.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:16 PM on February 15, 2007

Man bites shark; blames beer.
posted by tellurian at 8:18 PM on February 15, 2007

Man jumps on puny shark, doesn't manage to catch it, rips his jeans. News at 11? At the Long Beach Aquarium, they've got touch tanks full of sharks, up to 3 feet I believe. 4 feet is not a scary-sized shark, especially if that's the size as judged by a drunk guy.
posted by lostburner at 9:28 PM on February 15, 2007

Human actually are quite dangerous animals.
posted by Smedleyman at 9:52 PM on February 15, 2007

Man attacks Shark with his bare hands; blames vodka.

If the shark had my bare hands, I'd attack him, too, and I'd probably need the vodka.
posted by dreamsign at 9:55 PM on February 15, 2007

"It's not something I'd recommend to do. When I sobered up I thought about it and I said, 'I'm a bit of an idiot for doing it'," Kerkhof said.

Truer words were never spoken.
posted by inconsequentialist at 10:03 PM on February 15, 2007

Cop ejaculates on shark; blames shark.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:40 PM on February 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

This reminds me of seeing Eddie Izzard live in Reykjavík and mentioning something about how there are some not so nice animals and no one would like, oh, say, sharks, even if they had long ears.

Some heckler yelled "We eat sharks!" (Which is true. And foul smelling.) Not missing a bit, Mr. Izzard jumped right into a digression about a shark going around in the ocean with a piece taking out of him and his friends going up to him all "What happened to you?" "It was an Icelander!"

They would, too. And yes, vodka would definitely be involved.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:56 PM on February 15, 2007

Just swimming around and wHaM! some stupid bloke's molesting you.

To be fair to the bloke, he was fishing and the shark kept taking his bait.

Man jumps on puny shark, doesn't manage to catch it

Actually, he caught it and killed it. Then he took it home, cooked it, and shared it with his friends.
posted by robcorr at 12:24 AM on February 16, 2007

He appears to be from Dutch descent. 'Kerkhof' is dutch for churchyard; He almost ended up there ;)
posted by RobHoi at 4:16 AM on February 16, 2007

Shark loses Masters, blames choking.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:07 AM on February 16, 2007

I wonder if most of the incidents of sharks attacking humans involve drunkeness on the part of these finned horrors of the deep? "Dude, I was so wasted that I bit off the leg of the first surfer I randomly encountered. I mean, ew, ya know?"
posted by Midnight Creeper at 10:59 AM on February 16, 2007

Seems fairer than catching the shark on a string it can't see. Now he just has to try staring down a bar.
posted by Citizen Premier at 4:51 PM on February 16, 2007

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