“To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
February 21, 2007 9:33 AM   Subscribe

 
What the fuck? There's no such thing as clowns!
posted by ruddhist at 9:37 AM on February 21, 2007


Huh. Turns out it's funny and cathartic to talk about killing scary, evil clowns, until it actually happens. Buzzkill.
posted by gurple at 9:37 AM on February 21, 2007


Now there's some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown, when he's been gunned down
posted by Floydd at 9:38 AM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Even the clowns are no longer safe.

I blame Stephen King.
posted by Komsomol at 9:38 AM on February 21, 2007


Update: "At first we thought there were only two of them, but once we started pulling bodies off the stage, they just kept coming. Three bodies, four, five... a dozen! It was horrific, of course, but also somehow inspiring. How did they manage to cram so many clown bodies in such a small space? By the fifteenth victim, we bagan to clap, despite ourselves..."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:39 AM on February 21, 2007 [16 favorites]


http://www.metafilter.com/58825/%E2%80%9CTo-me-clowns-arent-funny-In-fact-theyre-kind-of-scary-Ive-wondered-where-this-started-and-I-think-it-goes-back-to-the-time-I-went-to-the-circus-and-a-clown-killed-my-dad%E2%80%9D

Incredible sympathies for those harmed.
Can't avoid joking this is the best use of Matt's new URL format, though.
posted by Peter H at 9:39 AM on February 21, 2007


My new band name: Clown Death
posted by Ironmouth at 9:45 AM on February 21, 2007


Maybe clowns are just as afraid of us as we're afraid of them...
posted by Citizen Premier at 9:48 AM on February 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


And not a moment too soon.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:48 AM on February 21, 2007


It's Columbia, so these guys were probably working for Koka the Clown.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 9:50 AM on February 21, 2007


Both of them were the second lieutenants of Clowsama bin Ladin. Further proof the Global War on Clowning is succeeding.
posted by DU at 9:50 AM on February 21, 2007


In light of these stories, perhaps it's time to retire the "Fuck you, clown!" joke.
posted by peeedro at 9:55 AM on February 21, 2007


Oh come on peeedro, at least link to the original. (self link)
posted by mkb at 9:57 AM on February 21, 2007


Ridi, Pagliaccio,
sul tuo amore infranto!
Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!

posted by sbutler at 9:58 AM on February 21, 2007


mkb, that is better than the version that I heard years ago...
posted by peeedro at 10:00 AM on February 21, 2007


Anybody got a link to the Red Meat "Build Your Own Clown" cartoon?
posted by pax digita at 10:01 AM on February 21, 2007


Clown #1: I didn't sign up for this. This is someone's bullshit political agenda. Who authorized this? Cutter?

Clown #2: Cutter couldn't tie his own shoes without permission.

Clown #1: If I go down you're coming with me.
posted by phaedon at 10:02 AM on February 21, 2007


Can't sleep, clowns will eat me.
posted by Big_B at 10:04 AM on February 21, 2007


2 cannibals are eating a clown. First cannibal says to the second, 'this taste funny to you?'
posted by davelog at 10:08 AM on February 21, 2007




<big><red>.</red></big>
posted by DU at 10:12 AM on February 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


In solemn memory for these two departed clowns, twenty one tearful mimes will scream at the top of their lungs for a minute down at city centre.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:14 AM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Oh come on peeedro, at least link to the original.

That's not the most disappointing joke ever; the Ping Pong Ball joke is. I couldn't find it anywhere on the Internet, which blows my mind -- so I'll come back after my meeting and write it here.
posted by davejay at 10:16 AM on February 21, 2007


I Hate Clowns, a ragdoll physics simulation game
posted by mkb at 10:16 AM on February 21, 2007


He used to honk his horn and everyone would laugh
He used to honk his horn
She doesn't think he's very funny anymore
Footprints in the sawdust leading to the edge of town
Something bad happened to a clown
Something bad happened to a clown
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 10:19 AM on February 21, 2007


That leaves room for about a dozen more or so in the coffin.
posted by flarbuse at 10:21 AM on February 21, 2007


Nice with the Zevon, xquzyhpyr. I was going to post that myself.
posted by flarbuse at 10:21 AM on February 21, 2007


It seems that The World Clown Association does offer insurance , but it seems pretty limited....

"We cannot insure the following types of performance: Hypnosis, competition racing, pyrotechnics and explosives, throwing objects in and around audiences (juggling as a clown is acceptable), production management or promotions management for hire, mechanically operated amusement devices, wild animals ..."

Q. Currently included, but limited in acts, are performing dogs, rabbits, and doves. Can you cover parrots?

A. No, unfortunately there have been claims involving scratching and excitable animals that have made it necessary to keep this coverage limited to the tamer ones.


And no, IANAC
posted by R. Mutt at 10:23 AM on February 21, 2007


I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this. Would ennui be appropriate?
posted by infinitywaltz at 10:23 AM on February 21, 2007


The motive for the latest killing remains unclear, police said. One clown was shot... about an hour into the Circo del Sol's evening show.

Obviously a professional hit. It takes an incredible amount of discipline to maintain that amount of restraint.
posted by hal9k at 10:26 AM on February 21, 2007


<big><red>.</red></big>

I think it's really inappropriate to be making fun of Indians like that. This thread isn't even about Indians.




(not racist btw)
posted by thirteenkiller at 10:26 AM on February 21, 2007


The motive for the latest killing remains unclear

Uh... they're clowns.
posted by brundlefly at 10:30 AM on February 21, 2007


Brilliant post. A clown related John Holmes ordering Ruud Gullits. This story is getting me some free beers tonight.
posted by ouke at 10:30 AM on February 21, 2007


Clown death. [old, nsfw]
posted by Armitage Shanks at 10:43 AM on February 21, 2007


Damn, I looked at the link and thought someone was killing the clowns.

To have a clown coming to kill you... awful.

"Terror is the clown that knocks at midnight"
posted by mr_book at 10:47 AM on February 21, 2007


Okay, as promised, here's the Ping Pong Ball joke. I kept it short, FYI.

--------------

There once was a wealthy man who had everything in the world, except the child that he so desperately wanted. After years of trying, he and his wife finally conceived a healthy baby boy.

Sitting in the hospital room, holding his son for the first time, the man vowed that he would provide his son with everything he wanted, no matter what it might be.

---

On his son's first birthday, the man looked down into his son's crib and said "Son, I love you more than anyone or anything in this world, and I want to give you everything you could ever want. Oh, how I wish you could tell me what you wanted for your birthday!"

His son looked up at him, looked his father right in the eye, and said his first words ever: "Daddy, I want...a ping pong ball."

The man was ecstatic, and started whooping and jumping for joy. When he'd calmed down, he sent for a ping pong ball and gave it to his son, who cooed happily.

---

A year went by, and the man's son continued to be healthy, and to learn and to grow. On his second birthday, the man placed his son upon his knee and said, "Son, you've been learning at a remarkable pace, and you're very advanced for your age. You're beautiful, you're bright, and you will go far. For your birthday, you can have anything that you want. What do you want for your birthday?"

His son looked him right in the eye and said, "Daddy, I want...a ping pong ball."

The man was a bit taken aback, but what his son wants his son gets, so the man sent for another ping pong ball, and his son was happy.

---

This went on each year, until the man's son was five years old. At the birthday party, his father pulled him away from the group of friends he was playing with, sat him on a chair and said "Son, you're about to start kindergarten. You're already reading and writing, and playing piano, and accomplishing things far beyond your age -- and you're popular as well! You can have a tricycle, or a swimming pool, or, well, just about anything at all! What do you want for your birthday?"

The boy looked calmly at his father, took a deep breath, and said "Daddy, I want...a ping pong ball."

His father gave him the ping pong ball, and his son ran off to play.

---

Things went on like this for some time, until the man's son approached puberty. On his son's 12th birthday, the man threw an extravagant party and invited all of his schoolmates to attend. There were ponies and go-karts and clowns and balloons, and everyone was having a great time.

The man went up to his son, who was eating cake, and said "Son, you couldn't have made me more proud. You're doing well in school, you've got a lot of friends, and you're a genuinely nice and clever person. This year, you can have anything you want for your birthday, no holes barred -- a bicycle, a horse, a tour of NASA's launch facilities, anything at all! What do you want for your birthday?"

His son quietly chewed his cake while considering the questoin. Eventually he put down the fork he was using and said "Daddy, I want...a ping pong ball."

So his father gave him a ping pong ball.

---

Finally, on the boy's 18th birthday, his father put his arm around his son and said "Today you are an adult, and you can do anything you want; the world is your oyster. You've got a wonderful girlfriend who you may end up marrying, a full scholarship to college, and you're developing a reputation as a diplomat and a do-er. With your talent, brains and looks, you can be anything you want to be, and with my money, you can have anything you want to have. What do you want for your birthday?"

The son, now a man himself, turned and faced his father squarely in the eye, smiled a knowing smile and said "Dad, I want...a ping pong ball."

So his father gave him a ping pong ball.

---

Three years later, on the morning of his son's birthday, the man received a phone call: his son had gotten into a terrible car accident! The man grabbed his coat and keys and rushed to the hospital as quickly as he could, to find his son -- his wonderful, amazing son! -- in a hospital bed, with broken bones and burns all over his body; he was in terrible, terrible shape.

The man broke down into tears, kneeled by his son's bed and said "Son, I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're a wonderful person and you don't deserve this, none of it! And I know this is going to sound selfish -- and I curse myself for asking, I vowed I never would, but I simply cannot control myself! -- but I need to ask you a question."

"Go ahead, dad" the son croaked, through his feeding tube.

"Son, when you were born, I promised to give you everything you ever wanted, no matter what it was -- and the only thing you ever wanted, the only thing you ever asked for, was a ping pong ball on your birthday. I need to know: when you could have had anything in the world, why a ping pong ball?"

"Dad", the son replied, "I wanted a ping pong ball because..."

And the son died.
posted by davejay at 10:48 AM on February 21, 2007 [9 favorites]


I have the feeling that joke is going to get my ass kicked tonight.
posted by brundlefly at 10:51 AM on February 21, 2007 [4 favorites]


Man, people really hate ICP don't they.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 10:55 AM on February 21, 2007


i am going to the bar tonight specifically to tell that story.
posted by phaedon at 10:57 AM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


I have the feeling that joke is going to get my ass kicked tonight.

You going to do it in your clown makeup?
posted by R. Mutt at 10:58 AM on February 21, 2007


In solemn memory for these two departed clowns, twenty one tearful mimes will scream at the top of their lungs for a minute down at city centre.

At a makeshift memorial, mourners will lay squirting flowers and rubber chickens in front of a pair of empty clown shoes.
posted by horsewithnoname at 11:01 AM on February 21, 2007


A good way to make a boring movie interesting is to pretend that it is really about a clown. Before watching the insanely boring movie The River King, my boyfriend told me it was about a clown ghost that lived in the river and terrorized the townspeople. I believed him (yeah, I should have known better) and I was on the edge of my seat for the first half hour before I began to seriously question it. We spent the rest of the movie "spotting" his big red shoes in various scenes and laughing hysterically.
posted by bobobox at 11:02 AM on February 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


Anna Nicole Smith did clowning, but now she is gone too.
posted by R. Mutt at 11:04 AM on February 21, 2007


Perhaps 'sending in the clowns' isn't such a good idea? Unless of course, you're a CIA operative confined to a wheelchair and stilts... (damn you today is tomorrow!)
posted by Dr.James.Orin.Incandenza at 11:05 AM on February 21, 2007


"What the hell kind of clown are you?"

"The crying-on-the-inside kind, I guess."

/Quick Change
posted by Horace Rumpole at 11:08 AM on February 21, 2007


...you can have anything you want for your birthday, no holes barred...

What is that, the porno version of no holds barred?
posted by rkent at 11:24 AM on February 21, 2007


Fucking clown shoes...
posted by daq at 12:07 PM on February 21, 2007


What is that, the porno version of no holds barred?

Close; it's the "'d' key is right below the 'e' key and I also typed 'questoin' earlier in the joke" version. Heh. But yeah, that's a vivid image. [drum schtik]
posted by davejay at 12:41 PM on February 21, 2007


"Anna Nicole Smith did clowning..."

That clip needs to be just a few seconds longer so I can jerk off to it.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:18 PM on February 21, 2007


1) .
2) I don't get it.
posted by public at 2:35 PM on February 21, 2007


Yes, you do.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:53 PM on February 21, 2007


"But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:54 PM on February 21, 2007


And to think, they died while Yucko The Clown still roams free. Where's the justice?
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:56 PM on February 21, 2007


Holy flaming clown-crap davejay, that was righteous. Tonight I will sacrifice two mimes, a squirting flower, and a rubber chicken in your honor.

For me, the "Fuck you, clown!" joke is funny because it was told to me by a pharmacist who had told me that she sold more needles in the two weeks that Big Apple or Ringling Bros., Barnum, and Bailey were in town than she sold the rest of the year. She said fit, muscular, men in their thirties whose faces looked to be in their seventies would saunter into the pharmacy to buy needles for their "insulin injections." There were no oversized shoes or big red noses, but she still saw the comic desperation clown-men looking for a fix.

I never thought of clowns the same way after she told me the joke, and after she told me about the clowns buying needles for their heroin.
posted by peeedro at 4:02 PM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Poor clowns.

Here's my favorite evil pictogram.

Thanks, davejay.
posted by Brak at 4:39 PM on February 21, 2007


I'm guessing they weren't the clowns from the "Laugh at me, will they?" Far Side cartoon.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:32 PM on February 21, 2007


The nicest men make the nastiest clowns... .
posted by strawberryviagra at 8:39 PM on February 21, 2007


Story 2: If you're gonna kill someone, do it yourself. And don't tell anyone.
posted by dozo at 7:58 PM on February 22, 2007


« Older You had to live -- did live, from the habit that...   |   You think about sex. We do the rest. Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments