THE FLY IS SEWED SHUT

March 9, 2007 1:42 PM

Classybride.com Unique gifts for the modern bride-to-be
posted by Stynxno (65 comments total)

via
posted by Stynxno at 1:43 PM on March 9, 2007

I got to get some of that shit for my bitch.
posted by Mister_A at 1:48 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh so Klassy!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:49 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Classy? The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
posted by Joe Invisible at 1:49 PM on March 9, 2007

Although I gotta say, for the last wedding I was in, I bought the bride a "Soon To Be Mrs. X" hoodie, and she freakin' loved it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:51 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

I am getting married in September and it is almost impossible to find wedding-related anything doesn't look like this crap.
posted by elvissa at 1:51 PM on March 9, 2007

So I guess tackybride.com was already taken?
posted by AV at 1:54 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

You know what? Fuck all stupid wedding trappings. FUCK EM! Fuck the shirts that say "soon to be Mrs. Jerk" Fuck the M&Ms with the couple's names and little hearts on them at every table at the reception... Fuck the cakes that OMG match the bride's dress! Fuck the entire fucking industry that has grown up because a bunch of pretentious princesses feel the need to have a three-ring-circus of a wedding. It makes me want to puke.

Alright. I'm done now.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:55 PM on March 9, 2007 [11 favorites]

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
posted by Mamapotomus at 1:57 PM on March 9, 2007

This is the third mention of Swarovski Crystals I've seen through MeFi today: they are on the bikinis at ClassyBride, the Bling water bottle, and the guy's Sidekick in this story. WTF?
posted by taliaferro at 1:58 PM on March 9, 2007

Sorry to hear about your divorce, Green Eyed Monster. (But yeah, I gotta agree. Who needs this crap?)
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:03 PM on March 9, 2007

Swarovski Crystal Pepsi.
posted by Joe Invisible at 2:03 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

*blinging profile with Swarovksi Crystals*

Huh? Oh ...

*quickly removes*
posted by YoBananaBoy at 2:06 PM on March 9, 2007

Wow. I'm sorry to hear about my divorce, too. News to me.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 2:08 PM on March 9, 2007

.
posted by rdc at 2:11 PM on March 9, 2007

Well, if you need a bridesmaid for your next wedding, I'm there, as long as you buy me these $40 flip-flops.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:13 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yee Gods. That's all I can say.
posted by fillsthepews at 2:13 PM on March 9, 2007

Emergency flip-flops! Of course! A bargain at half the price!
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 2:15 PM on March 9, 2007

They aren't even real flip-flops, like the kind you buy at Old Navy for $3! They FOLD IN HALF!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:17 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

A sighting in the wild. The statement here just confused me utterly: does it mean "Stare at my ass!"? "Don't stare at my ass, I'm now married!"? I compromised by pointing her ass out to my own new bride, and we enjoyed a bonding/snickering moment.
posted by gleuschk at 2:21 PM on March 9, 2007

I'm sure all the guys love this
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 2:22 PM on March 9, 2007

They don't have anything for that disreputable guy at the wedding who wants to fuck your sister.
posted by Mister_A at 2:23 PM on March 9, 2007

the M&Ms with the couple's names and little hearts on them at every table at the reception...

We gave people these m&ms at our wedding, without the hearts, in little metal containers that I filled myself. I liked them. Sorry you see this as a tithe to the Wedding Industrial Complex or a sign of the coming apocalypse. Your convictions do not shake my profound belief in the ameliorating qualities of chocolate.
posted by onlyconnect at 2:27 PM on March 9, 2007

Yes, they do, just get the boxers, but have "Your Name Here" embroidered on the fly.

PS. I love chocolate. In fact, if it was a man, I would marry it.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 2:30 PM on March 9, 2007

"I married him for his money and all I got was this Swarovski crystal t-shirt."
posted by katillathehun at 2:30 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

DU's Theorem of URLs #2: Nothing says "classy" like the word "classy" in your URL.

(DU's Theorem of URLs #1 is: If the URL has a number in it, especially if it is represented numerically and ESPECIALLY especially if it is at the beginning of the URL, the site is a scam. Example: 84makemoneytodayforreals.com)
posted by DU at 2:33 PM on March 9, 2007

Yes, they do, just get the boxers, but have "Your Name Here" embroidered on the fly.

Note that the listing says the fly is SEWN SHUT because of the embroidery. Her name, sewing his fly shut. Not a good omen.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:37 PM on March 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

Now would be around the right time for that asteroid to hit the Earth - between this and the Bling water... for chrissakes...
posted by dbiedny at 2:39 PM on March 9, 2007

Haha! You've been emasculated by embroidery.

For real though, my unit would just go all Incredible Hulk on them man-panties. But why would you put the bride's name on there? It kinda looks like you're naming your fuck-stick "Jane" or some weird shit.

/end potty mouth
posted by Mister_A at 2:43 PM on March 9, 2007

Where are Jimmy Kimmel and Xzibit when you really need them?
posted by hwestiii at 2:49 PM on March 9, 2007

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, that is funny.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:52 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is the third mention of Swarovski Crystals I've seen through MeFi today...WTF?

Swarovski is now run by a much younger and more marketing-savvy daughter of the family, and she's been very canny as to licensing the brand and exploiting all kinds of potential niche markets.

I even bought my wife one of these rather pretty necklaces. Doesn't change the fact that 99.5% of crystal-bedecked commodities, Swarovski or otherwise, look like yesterday's ass.
posted by adamgreenfield at 2:58 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Tonstant Weadew fwowed up.
posted by Smilla's Sense of Snark at 2:59 PM on March 9, 2007

Don't forget their sister site. Baby, maternity, political and more . . .
posted by Nabubrush at 2:59 PM on March 9, 2007

My son is getting married a week from tomorrow. I am neck deep in this crap and am about to puke from cuteness overload.
posted by hollygoheavy at 3:00 PM on March 9, 2007

If sucking tea through a TimTam does not qualify as being worthy of an FPP, then neither does this.
posted by Kiell at 3:09 PM on March 9, 2007

"Are you on your honeymoon? Nah, I'm just blinging!"
posted by miss lynnster at 3:16 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

You know what? Fuck all stupid wedding trappings ...

Careful, now. Or the Irony Gods will gift you with daughters...
posted by frogan at 3:17 PM on March 9, 2007

(DU's Theorem of URLs #1 is: If the URL has a number in it, especially if it is represented numerically and ESPECIALLY especially if it is at the beginning of the URL, the site is a scam. Example: 84makemoneytodayforreals.com)

I really like that informercials are starting to feature crappy numerically-prepended URLs like this. Instead of half a dozen repetitions of "1-800-CAT-HATS", you get half a dozen repetitions of "www.77cathats.com".
posted by cortex at 3:19 PM on March 9, 2007

Marriage is dead. It's on the ground twitching, and some of us mistake that for a sign of life.

This site is just a reflection of that.
posted by mullingitover at 3:24 PM on March 9, 2007

Smilla's Sense of Snark, your username is awesome.
posted by graventy at 3:25 PM on March 9, 2007

The via site has lots of hilarious stuff. I like the wtf page best, including the electric wedding dress with blinking corset.
posted by nickyskye at 3:38 PM on March 9, 2007

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU CIRCUS FREAK
posted by loquacious at 3:39 PM on March 9, 2007

Heh. Maybe we need a "Tonstant Bloggah" or some such.

Man, what is it with the ass-writing on pants these days? And how long are you going to wear your "Soon to be Mrs. HisProperty" hoodies, anyway? Do you hand it off to his next wife upon the divorce?
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:44 PM on March 9, 2007

I tried in vain to find a link to anywhere you can buy "I Love My Cunt" panties, as I think that would be a much more appropriate wedding gift. I know my wife loves hers, anyway.
posted by Nabubrush at 3:46 PM on March 9, 2007

Alert the GOP, this clearly lessens the sanctity of marriage!
posted by Mick at 3:49 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

You know what I gave my bride on our wedding day? A ride to the courthouse.

Rob Zombie was playing.

It was very romantic.
posted by quin at 3:50 PM on March 9, 2007

I think the ass-writing is an attempt to ride on the, ah, coattails of the inexplicably popular Juicy Couture, although if someone was doing it before them I really don't want to know; it's bad enough I have brain cells wasted on this piece of trivia as is.

Me, I'm thinking maybe it's time to bust out the stash of jewelry-making supplies and some old yoga pants, and make myself some DIY bling that says STOP STARING AT MY ASS in big sparkly letters.
posted by Smilla's Sense of Snark at 4:03 PM on March 9, 2007

Truly, the Bedazzler's time has come.
posted by zusty at 4:07 PM on March 9, 2007

All of this stuff is slightly ridiculous, especially in large doses. But used in moderation, 'wedding stuff' can be cute. One of my best memories of my brother's wedding is of him and his new bride bunny hopping down a beach in Maui in an attempt to get their matching 'Just Married' sand imprinting flip-flops to imprint the sand properly.
posted by jacquilynne at 4:15 PM on March 9, 2007

Remember, every time you pack more bling in dat trunk you make a filthy rich wigger factorer a little more rich. Think about that, why aren't you richer and he is thanks to you ? Dat isn't respek !
posted by elpapacito at 6:21 PM on March 9, 2007

I refused to have any crap to give out at my wedding besides good food, beer, wine & champagne. I can't tell you how many bottles of bubbles, ugly picture frames, mints, mesh bags of crap, and bad CD's I've thrown away after weddings. Save the cash you would spend on this crap and spend it on better wine, for god's sake!!!

Wedding stuff is NEVER cute. It's annoying and schmaltzy and cheesy and the only people who enjoy it are the squeeling bridesmaids who help pick it out. Ugh.

Klassy it is...in a trailer park!
posted by msacheson at 6:29 PM on March 9, 2007

Damn, I wrote that above, not my husband. I hate it when I do that!!
posted by aacheson at 6:30 PM on March 9, 2007

Ugh, I refuse to promote any product line that features glittered lettering on someone's ass.
posted by inconsequentialist at 7:35 PM on March 9, 2007

Can you get one that says "Future Ex Wife", because that would be good like more than 50% of the time? And starting a relationship with honesty and without delusions, that's what really makes a marriage. Well, that and sparkly words on your wife’s cooter.
posted by MapGuy at 8:12 PM on March 9, 2007

This reminds me of krispy kreme wedding cakes, which make me sad.

So sad.
posted by ztdavis at 9:18 PM on March 9, 2007

Yea, that cake makes me sad..... that it isn't IN MY BELLY! GIMME DONUTS GIMME DONUTS!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:52 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

"Classy" is a one-word oxymoron.
posted by John Shaft at 9:59 PM on March 9, 2007

[Mrs. good]
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 7:05 AM on March 10, 2007

Anna Nicole would surely shop here, if she wasn't, um, dead.
posted by Dizzy at 7:47 AM on March 10, 2007

Last summer I went to a quarter million dollar wedding that was annulled the next day. There are worse things than this tacky crap.
posted by BrotherCaine at 11:00 PM on March 10, 2007

!!!

What does a quarter million dollar wedding look like????
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:19 AM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Can you get one that says "Future Ex Wife", because that would be good like more than 50% of the time?

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!"
-- Richard Jeni
posted by Nabubrush at 10:31 AM on March 11, 2007

ThePinkSuperhero, unbelievably lush from the pre-revolutionary French styled outfits the whole wedding party wore to the beautiful garden the groom's parents put in for the wedding. However, it was tacky at the same time because they had to do everything in the same style, but the footmen had these cheesy cardboard pikes (obviously real pikes would have been an issue). Plus I liked the food better at my $5000 wedding, even though their caterer's food looked better.I think it was mostly a quarter-million because the groom's mom was one of those amateur perfectionists who knew what she wanted, but not how to get there. If I were forced by brain damage to spend that much money on a single party, I like to think I'd do better. It was still a fun party though.
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:41 PM on March 11, 2007

Sounds awesomely crazy!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:46 PM on March 12, 2007 [1 favorite]