April 5, 2007 8:16 PM   Subscribe

Lawyerbear: The Leader In Ursine Litigation and Defense The bear that is a lawyer. Comics and sundry parodies penned by a local. [via mefi projects]
posted by Burhanistan (10 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- frimble

Somebody's trying pretty hard to get a mention on the Colbert Report.

#1 on the Threatdown for sure!
posted by wendell at 8:37 PM on April 5, 2007

Maybe he'll represent Bruno's estate pro bono.
posted by homunculus at 8:53 PM on April 5, 2007

I think I have the ideal potential client . . .
posted by Kibbutz at 9:02 PM on April 5, 2007

Fun site... Lawyerbear should square off against Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.
posted by amyms at 10:28 PM on April 5, 2007

I hear Lawyerbear has drafted contracts for Diplomatic Shark.
posted by arruns at 11:46 PM on April 5, 2007

Somebody's trying pretty hard to get a mention on the Colbert Report.

#1 on the Threatdown for sure!

I'd say that's completely true, but I watch Colbert maybe twice a month. It wasn't until after (the site dedicated to a bear that is a lawyer) went up that I heard I was trying to get his attention, then Maggie made her piece of fan art and...


Thanks for the nice words, everyone. And send in your Lawyerbear fan art, prose, and more! There's a link on the site!
posted by beaucoupkevin at 4:47 AM on April 6, 2007

While Lawyerbear is certainly the brightest star of the current juroranimal constellation, a wonderful collection of legal minded beasts ranging from Judge Panda to Nancy Grace, I think it is important that we do not neglect those animals that came before and helped shape the modern legal world.

As Metafilter's self appointed expert on the role of animals in history, I must take it upon myself to mention those that came before lest we forget their sacrifices - their cute, fuzzily widdle sacrifices.

Judge Appleton J. Moose - Judge Moose led a storied life. Beginning as a small-time country lawyer in Maine, Appleton faced every challenge that confronted him with stoic resolve and a massive body weight. Life was hard for a moose in the waning days of the 19th century, but Appleton thrived, gaining fame and notoriety for his defense of the Chickenlicken Brothers in the "crime of the century" case Maine v. Chickenlicken. Though he lost the case and Marv and Joe Chickenlicken were sentenced to dinner, Appleton's well reasoned defense that the brothers were justified in murdering Farmer Brown as an act of self-preservation is still studied today. After a brief stint as the President of Bates College, Appleton J. Moose was appointed to the state supreme court. Upon hearing of his death in 1911, Theodore Roosevelt said, "Truly on this day we have lost the original bull moose."

Beef Wellington, PI - A discredited cop turned private investigator, Beef Wellington (seen here in a panel from the serial pulp comic based on his life) was a hard drinking rabbit from the Barrowside of Chicago. Through most of the 1930s, Beef fought to clear his name against the (literal) rats who got him kicked out of the Chicago Police. Though the authorities would not listen to him, the people and the media did. His tireless work against corruption spurred the people into voting out many of the worst of Chicago's famously corrupt politicians. Sadly, Beef died in Europe during the Norman invasion. The inspiration for modern fictitious crusaders like Serpico and Mark Fuhrman, Beef Wellington is remembered today by a small statue and a vast horde of descendants.

Judge Simon Blackturkey - The infamous "roasting judge" of the American West, Simon Blackturkey was a hard, serious bird. Too tough for Thanksgiving, Simon went west in 1867 and eventually settled in the town of Brushton in 1870. There, with the help of Wyatt Earp, he cleaned up the town with a brutal form of frontier justice. While Brushton became one of the safest and most law-abiding cities in the West, the newspapers back east were filled with sensational stories about Blackturkey's slow-cooked form of punishment. Eventually public outcry grew so loud that US Marshals were dispatched to help usher the Gobbler of Souls into retirement. Released from the harsh yoke of Judge Blackturkey's stern glare and draconian punishments, Brushton fell back into lawlessness and by 1883 was no more.

Hamstaire - Born in 1737 in France, Jacques-Marie Puffchieques, better known today by his pen-name Hamstaire, was a French Enlightenment writer, essayist, legumeist, and philosopher who campaigned tirelessly for the rights of animals and the defense of fuzzy liberties. It was Hamstaire's impassioned pleas on behalf of right to a fair trial that helped inspire America's forefathers and forepets to establish such a system in the Constitution. We should not forget his contributions to philosophy, though. "Wheekwheek, week week WHEEK!" is perhaps one of the most repeated philosophical statements in history.

Gordon Frilled-Lizard - What can be said about this powerful entertainment lawyer that Robert Evans hasn't already said in The Kid Stays In the Picture? "When I first met Gordon, he was propped up on a table at Ma Maison screeching at one of my production assistants. I had come to the restaurant not only because I was hungry, but because my assistant had called me saying that he was holding up the signing of a contract for a hellhound I wanted cast in Rosemary's Baby. So there I was, trying to get my assistant out of the line of fire - I didn't know if he was a spitting lizard or what - in the middle of this packed restaurant. And Gordon, I'll never forget this, he suddenly stops, retracts his frill and looks at me so calmly, like he hasn't been yelling for the past thirty minutes, and asks if I wanted to order dessert. That's Gordon in a nutshell, a crusader for his clients, but a real human guy beneath all the scales." After the death of Darwin the Dolphin, star of SeaQuest and Gordon's long time companion, Gordon took his own life by running out beneath a car on Route 66.

And that's just five animals I could name off the top of my head! There's also Joey Koala the Australian Ambassador to the United Nations, Tiffany Q. Ostrich the well known New York prosecutor and potential mayoral candidate, and rising star Knut the Baby Polar Bear to name a few. So while you may continue in your rightly directed adulation of Lawyerbear, please do not forget that he is but one link in a chain of legal minded animals stretching back through out history!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:03 AM on April 6, 2007 [6 favorites]

I wonder if the bear suit would be an appropriate defense.
posted by exogenous at 10:15 AM on April 6, 2007

I laughed at "Claw and Order."
posted by spiderskull at 12:22 PM on April 6, 2007

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