Gentle, Strong Woman Seeks Doormat
March 2, 2001 3:18 PM   Subscribe

Gentle, Strong Woman Seeks Doormat Read about Mary, who is looking for that special somebody who can fulfill all of her needs and then some. ALL of them. Example of phone etiquette: "I have a personal preference for not being interrupted while I'm talking. So please don't step on my words. Although I appreciate the sincere intentions of listeners who are used to interjecting verbal nods such as "uh huh," "hmm hmm," or "OK" when the speaker pauses briefly between statements, please don't do so with me. I'd rather you listen silently so that I can know that you have the best chance of hearing every word that I say. Don't worry, I won't be longwinded. ;-)" Riiiight.
posted by Skot (58 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Heck, why not. At least she's upfront about what she wants. She probably has a better chance of finding the guy she's looking for than most people who hide their true desires!
posted by Hellboy at 3:38 PM on March 2, 2001




"I don't work, and therefore, in a relationship, it would be great if the man could support me financially and provide a certain amount of security for me.... But even though I don't work, I don't want a man to need me to take care of him by doing such chores as his shopping, cooking, cleaning, or laundry.... On any issue where a sacrifice has to be made by one of us, if I don't wish to be the one to make the sacrifice."

posted by rebeccablood at 3:38 PM on March 2, 2001

I saw this a while back off of memepool under the Wackos category. Note that you must bring a monetary gift to your first date because she doesn't work and she needs money. She won't say how much on her site, but she'll tell you how much over the phone. Doesn't sound like a bad way to make your living.

Is there any guy that wishes to be subject to her form of 'chivalry?' Certainly not this one.

posted by OneBallJay at 3:41 PM on March 2, 2001

Whoa, she's scary. But even scarier are the ones who feel the same way, but you don't find out into much later...
posted by black8 at 3:45 PM on March 2, 2001

Evidently she enjoys a little sexy banter:

Once we've set up a date, I'll say something to you like, "Will you please feed back to me what I need you to do in relation to our date."
posted by argybarg at 3:46 PM on March 2, 2001

Personally I like the signal words, which seem to be her little test to make sure you've read the site thoroughly.
posted by zempf at 3:50 PM on March 2, 2001

Yes, the signal words remind me of old copy-protection schemes, where you would have to type in x word from x page of the manual to use the software.
posted by argybarg at 4:00 PM on March 2, 2001

I was all set to give it my best shot till I realized her site was AOL. That did it for me.
posted by Postroad at 4:04 PM on March 2, 2001

She says that she's agnostic/atheistic, but she's against sex outside of marriage. I'm a Christian, and also am against sex outside of marriage (a union I believe was instituted by God). What I don't understand is why people that don't believe in God even support marriage, let alone abstinence. If we are here for no purpose but to slowly evolve, what is the value of being monogamous? Is it just tradition? Any takers on this one?
posted by OneBallJay at 4:12 PM on March 2, 2001

Man this is just like those old romantic stories my grandmother would tell about her and grandpa...

"When I advertised in the Indianapolis Tribune for my longing for a benefactor, I mean husband, so many years ago I thought my search would go on for ever. First I made your grandfather fetch me a drop of sweat from a yearling in Kentucky. Then I asked all 21 of the suitors to describe in 500 words or less why I should be their mate. They were not to mess up any of the punctuation or there would be a waiting period before our first romantic encounter."

...memories. Grandma and Mary would have been great friends.
posted by jasonshellen at 4:15 PM on March 2, 2001

argybarg: they probably work the same way -- bring up the wrong signal words too many times and she shuts down.
posted by teradome at 4:15 PM on March 2, 2001

What I don't understand is why people that don't believe in God even support marriage, let alone abstinence. If we are here for no purpose but to slowly evolve, what is the value of being monogamous? Is it just tradition? Any takers on this one?

Must... resist... flamebait... from... accountants.

posted by jca at 4:19 PM on March 2, 2001

accountingboy: Folks assume that just because a person doesn't believe in a god, they also don't believe in anything spiritual, or accept anything outside the realm of the purely physical. It just ain't so.

I didn't have the patience to find all her keywords (though the site is a scream), so I don't know where her stand is on this. Personally, I'm not big on extreme promiscuity--I believe it does damage to the soul. And I'm a card-carrying atheist.
posted by frykitty at 4:22 PM on March 2, 2001

Where do you get atheist cards, BTW? I'd like one.

Speaking only for myself, I believe marriage, i.e., long-term social contracts which are moderately difficult to dissolve, are good for child-rearing and support them on that basis. I do not particularly object to sex outside of marriage, although I believe restricting sex to marriage is an effective way to strengthen the institution and to demonstrate commitment to the union. I'm not picky about what should constitute a "marriage," however.
posted by kindall at 4:30 PM on March 2, 2001

I don't think the point of monogamy is necessarily spiritual, but to show that you love a person enough to devote yourself to her & her only. Also, just because I'm an atheist doesn't mean I have no morals & thus am against abstinence. There are good reasons to abstain from sex that have nothing to do with spirituality.

I think that too often people think that the only way for a person to have morality is for that person to be under the guidance of some higher power, and thus all atheists must be immoral lechers or something to that effect. I might be heathen scum, but an immoral lecher I am not, thank you very much.
posted by zempf at 4:36 PM on March 2, 2001

I'm very, very sad imagining how pathetic her home is, with her affirming paragraphs taped to the wall beside her phone (so that she can check to see if you're reading them exactly right), just underneath her flowchart for how the phone call should go. Very, very sad.
posted by delfuego at 4:42 PM on March 2, 2001

"read back to me the long [my note here: MASSIVE] paragraph that precedes the following one."

I'd rather file tax returns for ten random strangers than jump through her bewildering array of fiery lapdog hoops.

This is comedy, right? Right? [breaking down, sobbing]
posted by user92371 at 4:58 PM on March 2, 2001

Put this in your favourites, and if you're ever having a bad day, or are racked by self-doubt, you can call up her page and realize how great your life is.
posted by websavvy at 5:06 PM on March 2, 2001

Judge not, lest ye be judged.
posted by crunchland at 5:20 PM on March 2, 2001

posted by frykitty at 5:27 PM on March 2, 2001 [1 favorite]

Someone wrote earlier that he or she did not think that "the point of monogamy is necessarily spiritual, but to show that you love a person enough to devote yourself to her & her only."
Hmmm . . . love. Is the concept of "love" not spiritual? What the heck is it then? Why use the word? Very tired here, and you gave me a good laugh. Thanks.

posted by raysmj at 5:35 PM on March 2, 2001

Sometimes you run across a personal ad where it's clear that the author is asking for precisely those attributes in which their previous lover was deficient. This site reads like one of those ads for an entire history of dating. One can only hope that the hundred-mile hurdle she's set up will prove so effective at keeping Prince Charmings out that she'll end up falling for a real human being, kissing him anyway, and proceeding to live out a satisfying life with him somewhere in the real world.

accountingboy said:
If we are here for no purpose but to slowly evolve, what is the value of being monogamous? Is it just tradition?

Presumably, the value of being monogamous is whatever it was when people invented the concept. Traditions don't usually stick around unless they serve some social function. If we've had monogamy around long enough for it to get codified into religious law, it must have been valuable to a lot of people for a long time. Modern people might find it valuable for the same reasons, religious sanction or not.

As should by now be obvious, I don't believe marriage was instituted by God - but I can see why such a belief would lead to your question.

I like what kindall said.

posted by Mars Saxman at 5:38 PM on March 2, 2001

"...bewildering array of fiery lapdog hoops."

That made me expel orange drink from my nose.
posted by Hankins at 5:41 PM on March 2, 2001

raysmj: I was talking spirituality in the religious sense, unless you're of the belief that being an atheist I am unable to express love.
posted by zempf at 5:43 PM on March 2, 2001

No, zemph, but you should have noted that you meant in the religious sense. I guess! Spirituality, in its primary or first definition is not the same as religiosity. And given the context of the discussion, and the ethereal thing or thingie or feeling or whatnot you were discussing, it sounded screamingly odd to not have made such a distinction. Could go into a long discussion of the similarities between black spirituals and R&B, just as a sort of help device, but . . .
posted by raysmj at 6:22 PM on March 2, 2001

When I first saw the page, I thought it must be a joke. But if truth really is stranger than fiction, it's probably real.

I think Mars is right about the ad. This woman probably had a terrible marriage the first time around. I'm guessing that she always had to put her husband's needs first and that he repaid her with cruelty and, eventually, by leaving her for someone more interesting. Maybe he was a preacher? Obviously, I'm extrapolating quite a bit there, and perhaps she was just a kook from the start. Either way, for all her rhetoric about being warm, etc., she seems to have come to view love and marriage as a win/lose rather than a win/win proposition, and she's determined to be the winner this time. But in doing so, she's put so many rows of thorns up that no Prince Charming could cut his way through. Which is probably for the best: I'd have to pity any man with low enough self-esteem to want to pursue Mary.

But it probably doesn't do to think too much about the situation. When you don't examine it too closely, it's intensely funny, to the point that perfectly good orange drink gets wasted. But when I zoom in, I realize that this person is probably sitting around, waiting for Mr. Right to send her an email, and, while she's waiting, adding more and more text to her webpage. All of us are laughing at her, and I'm sure she has know idea that we find her ridiculous. Without the Internet, she'd be just as lonely as she is now, but she wouldn't have the false hope that she's going to find someone. And she wouldn't be an object of ridicule for so many people. That's really very sad.

So I think I'll choose to believe that Mary is the creation of some misogynist with too much time on his hands. In that case, it's just funny as hell.
posted by anapestic at 6:42 PM on March 2, 2001

I mean "no idea," of course.
posted by anapestic at 6:44 PM on March 2, 2001

delfuego: I'm very, very sad imagining how pathetic her home is, with her affirming paragraphs taped to the wall beside her phone (so that she can check to see if you're reading them exactly right), just underneath her flowchart for how the phone call should go. Very, very sad.

dude. she has them memorized, i'm sure. no flash cards for Mary!
posted by sugarfish at 8:05 PM on March 2, 2001

Please discuss atheism and marriage over here, at

I'd encourage anyone else to use whenever you encounter a bizarre side thread that may develop and obscure the original discussion about a post.

Accountingboy, please respond to my questions over there.
posted by mathowie at 8:22 PM on March 2, 2001

Mary is a professional dominatrix .The required gift, willingness to travel, the preset phone dialogue, the typing of the client's particulars into a database, the hours of availability -- all standard operating procedure for the professional domina. Putting her site on aol is brilliant.
posted by mollykiely at 8:54 PM on March 2, 2001 [1 favorite]

I don't know if I could ever get involved with a woman who doesn't have a strong opinion on whether she prefers Geocities Ad Squares or Banners.

She's not a dominatrix, she's just nuts.
posted by aaron at 10:51 PM on March 2, 2001

A couple of takes:

Sincere, Good Anil: Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a serious problem. It's a shame when the pain it causes its victims and their loved ones manifests itself in a way that others find amusing.

Bitter, Mysogynistic Anil: Well, the dialogue is all correct, but somehow someone changed the name and photos on my ex-girlfriend's website...

Sarcastic, Useless Comment Anil: Man, she's single?
posted by anildash at 12:03 AM on March 3, 2001

sorry to be banal ... but its a great way to feed a database callback auto dial call centre thingie "exactly as i have set it out" be cynical, be suspicious

that Marys would exist saddens me
posted by gooberboy at 3:27 AM on March 3, 2001

When I read her site (no, I didn't read every single word she wrote before posting to MeFi) I laughed and thought, "Oh my god, she is seriously fucking spun." But now that I think about it, it makes me sad that she feels she has to go through such a rigour, just to find someone to love.
It seems to me that there's greater joy and wisdom in simply letting go and just trying to live your life, however it is that it may happen. She claims to be wise, but I just don't see it. Love (relationships) cannot be scheduled, agendaed or calculated. It just happens, and it happens when it happens. She ought to step away from her keyboard and go out to some social functions and have fun. Maybe then she'd actually find her chivalrous man. But, who am I to say? I don't walk in her shoes.
But it makes you wonder, can she possibly respect someone that is willing to jump through all of her hoops, simply for the chance at a relationship? I seriously doubt it. I don't think it would be a whole lot of fun feeling like everything you said or did was meticulously being scrutinized to see if you were "the one." I'd rather be alone then to feel like I had to fit into someone's idea of acceptable.

Please make note of the above signal word before responding to my post. Thank you.
posted by lizardboy at 4:29 AM on March 3, 2001

I agree with mollykiely. The woman's a dominatrix and she's flying under AOL's TOS agreement by couching her entire dialogue in non-TOSSable terms. I don't think she's looking for love as much as she's looking for business with the possibility of finding a submissive sugar daddy down the road. Personally, I think how she's defied AOL -- who'se known for kicking S/M sexual minorities out of its environs -- brilliant.
posted by debrahyde at 5:03 AM on March 3, 2001 would be a great place for her to meet Satanbunny (note that Stevensville, MD zip is 21666). Although, if she ever has a change of heart, there's always The Savior.

posted by samsara at 8:12 AM on March 3, 2001

Hey, assuming this Mary is serious, we should acknowledge that she's seeking a perfectly legitimate role.

New York and its environs are full of women who don't work, are fully supported by wealthy husbands, and, at the same time, have a battery of nannies, maids, cleaning services and (outside the house) restaurants and launders to do all the work that was / is associated with being a housewife. And, back when I was dating in Manhattan, I met plenty of women who were entirely candid about their desire to find a man who help them take that particularly role ...

AOL just isn't the place to be pursuing it -- she just needs to take her game to the juice bar at Equinox or the Costume Institute ball...
posted by MattD at 10:07 AM on March 3, 2001

Where do you get an atheist's card, BTW?

Why, from the American Atheist's, of course.
posted by baylink at 10:16 AM on March 3, 2001

What a depressing site. You're bringin' me down, MeFi!
posted by sonofsamiam at 10:18 AM on March 3, 2001

I tend to like many of the digressions which a post on MeFi inspires, and thus I'm not sure I like this TakeItOffline thing ... if interested in further discussion, please see a MetaTalk thread I've started on this topic.
posted by MattD at 10:20 AM on March 3, 2001

On further reading, I'd like to posit my two opinions on this site:

1) This has *got* to be a parody. No one eloquent and culturally adept enough to write all that could *possibly* be stupid enough to think it was productive, unless she was clinically mentally ill in some fashion.

2) If this *is* a real site, from a real person, she will be killed by a psychopath, because no person without some mental illness would ever jump through the necessary "fiery lapdog hoops"... certainly not for someone who looks and acts like that.
posted by baylink at 10:33 AM on March 3, 2001

Much of her site is on Geocities, not AOL.
posted by aaron at 10:35 AM on March 3, 2001

Ever seen Twelfth Night, where the Duke is obsessed with the literary clichés and formal minutiae behind constructing a romantic engagement, as a shield from actually engaging in a real relationship?

The DSM would class it as "monomania", I think. Here's an Orsino for the 21st century, as mad as Shakespeare's.
posted by holgate at 11:41 AM on March 3, 2001


I find it amusing that you think atheists getting married is pointless or self-contradictory in some way. What the fuck does god have to do with love, aside from people like yourself who believe that some magic man in the clouds looks down and gives a shit about what you do? God is imaginary, love is real. That is why atheists get married.

I am completely atheistic, but I have complete and total respect for the institution of marriage as an public and legal declaration of commitment to another person.

posted by tweek at 12:16 PM on March 3, 2001

accountingboy was basing his opinion on a questionable premise. No need to get so mad, although I can see how you would.
posted by sonofsamiam at 12:20 PM on March 3, 2001

Whoops I meant to type "a public.." not "an public..."
posted by tweek at 12:21 PM on March 3, 2001

The premise that if we do not serve god, our lives are meaningless, makes me angry.

I'm all for religion, I just don't like having it shoved in my face. ie; when they used to make us say the Lord's Prayer in school. That stopped around grade 2 or so, but I felt violated ever having to say it. Even at that age I didn't want to, and even though it was a public school the teacher made me do it. So fuck her and fuck that shit.
posted by tweek at 12:25 PM on March 3, 2001

This seems like a total overreaction to a simple question. If "carrotboy" had said "I'm a vegetarian and I don't understand why people like meat. I'd like to hear an explanation. Any takers?" would there have been that much anger? "My second grade teacher made me eat vegetables, so fuck her and fuck that shit?" Geez.
posted by rodii at 1:33 PM on March 3, 2001

On the main page of the site (here), I couldn't help but notice the large white space at the bottom. She has about a thousand words there to "to help my page be found". (They're white, same as bgcolor, so highlight to see them). They are so many as to make searching for the page practically useless, besides the fact that they are often contradictory and just plain weird, like the rest of the site. Among those words:

"single dating honesty worship wisdom atheistic atheist interpersonal what do woman want what do woman want abstinence lonely female domination story love match yahoo profile aol words of wisdom female picture woman looking for man lonely woman atheist pretty love relationship looking submissive older lady intimacy husband male slave "

posted by kokogiak at 1:41 PM on March 3, 2001

No, religion is a particular sore spot. The "fuck" comments were not directed at Carrotboy; all I meant for him was that I found what he finds amusing, amusing.

Your vegetarian analogy does not quite fit. It'd be more fitting if you're example was "I'm a meat-eater, I don't understand why vegetarians wear leather shoes."

In this example a meat-eater makes assumptions about the motivations of a vegetarian, ie; assuming they don't eat meat for moral reasons. Kinda fits better. Sort of.
posted by tweek at 10:50 PM on March 3, 2001

My point was, it seemed (to me) like an honest request for information from someone who--because of his own background/assumptions--couldn't quite grok where the other people are coming from. Noticing your own blind spots and trying to explore them is, I think, something to be admired, not condemned as flamebait. Unless, of course, it *was* flamebait, but having read accountingboy's posts in the past, I don;t think it was.
posted by rodii at 10:20 AM on March 4, 2001

Accountingboy, here's my answer.
posted by Steven Den Beste at 11:36 AM on March 4, 2001

Damn Steven that's a pretty good answer.
posted by tweek at 1:30 PM on March 4, 2001

Strong support for dominatrix theory: google: "ds slave chicago"
posted by EngineBeak at 12:07 AM on March 5, 2001

The best part about that Google search is the link at the top that invites you to "Show map of Ds Slave Alternative-lifestyle Chicago IL."
posted by kindall at 1:19 AM on March 5, 2001

Omygod! That means we can find out where she lives!
posted by EngineBeak at 8:12 AM on March 5, 2001

Sad. I think this lady has no ability to trust people, so she has to make potential suitors jump through hoops to show they will do things her way, because that's the only way she feels safe.

Maybe delineating exactly how things should go is the only coping strategy she knows?

Plus throw in a bit of OCD/mania/whathaveyou.

She looks like she'd be the ideal client for the first life-like human companion robot, though. It'd happily say anything she wanted, do the dishes for her, etc.
posted by beth at 3:51 PM on March 5, 2001

... please don't volunteer anything about yourself. Instead, only ask me questions. To be very clear, unless I ask you a question, please don't share any thoughts or comments, except to say any of the following:
That you might send me an e-mail asking me to call you back;
That you will send me an e-mail asking me to call you back;
That you're ready to set up a date with me;
That you're looking forward to meeting me;
Thank you;

so far, this is my favorite quote.
posted by bliss322 at 11:50 AM on March 9, 2001

« Older The Silophone - turning abandoned industrial farm...   |   Napster to filter out thousands of copyrighted... Newer »

This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments