Smells like elderberries
June 22, 2007 9:49 AM   Subscribe

The Times reports: Lily-livered milquetoasts trying to suffocate the British insult. In case you illiterate turkey-buggering colonials have comprehension troubles, consult this handy glossary and usage guide.
posted by nasreddin (41 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
MetaFilter: it's the mutt's nuts
posted by MtDewd at 10:02 AM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's one of the more hilarious cultural differences between the UK and the US that curse words are so unrelated. I should make some flashcards. Great post.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:24 AM on June 22, 2007

This post is incomplete without a link to Roger's Profanisaurus.
posted by longbaugh at 10:24 AM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

I honestly thought this was going to be about Gin and Tonics. No, I'm serious.
posted by sidereal at 10:32 AM on June 22, 2007

the Mutt's Nuts might win out over my previous fave, the Dog's Bollack's.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 10:35 AM on June 22, 2007

Krushchev raised the bar in 1960 by pounding his own shoe on the table at the UN, thus adding insole to injury.

It's a real stretch to include this one (is using a shoe to bang the table really an insult or just a desperate measure when one lacks a gavel?) but agonizing and hideous puns are their own justification.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:36 AM on June 22, 2007

"In ten years Tony Blair has not delivered a single one-line public insult worth remembering. "

How Bush Became the Curser in Chief.
posted by ericb at 10:40 AM on June 22, 2007

Fuck Alan Sugar, fuck Simon Cowell, and fuck anyone who needs to put others down to raise themselves up.

posted by Drexen at 10:49 AM on June 22, 2007

They left 'spanner' off the list. I've been told it's sort of the equivalent of 'geek' or 'nerd'.

Or so I've been called told.
posted by quin at 10:58 AM on June 22, 2007

mutt'snuts should be a tag for this post along with cockup and piss-artist.
posted by Sailormom at 11:08 AM on June 22, 2007

And previously, on this same bat-channel....
posted by drhydro at 11:14 AM on June 22, 2007

I've become a sort of walking US/UK translation engine, God help me.

It gets kind of old.
posted by chuckdarwin at 11:14 AM on June 22, 2007

It takes an especially ill-bred sort of meatsack to be so addle-brained as to confuse the treasured art of insultory with base and artless profanity-laced cursemongering.

And that's the real tragedy: a nation of witless, feckless, whining thumbsuckers who can't manage the mental gymnastics to offer a proper insult, but instead are fuck-all and everybody, 24/7.

Waste of protein, I say.
posted by deCadmus at 11:20 AM on June 22, 2007 [6 favorites]

Of all the currish, lily-livered, puke-stocking ideas dreamed up by those odiferous tickle-brained rump-fed codpieces, this must be one of the most addle-pated.

Shut your festering gob, you tit.
posted by three blind mice at 11:31 AM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

Quin: A spanner is a wrench, you ponce.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:42 AM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-liver’d, action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch; one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deny the least syllable of thy addition. Draw, you whoreson cullionly barbermonger! draw!
posted by languagehat at 11:49 AM on June 22, 2007 [4 favorites]


Today is my lucky day....
posted by fluffycreature at 11:49 AM on June 22, 2007

Well now... for a herd of pompous, self-proud, pandering anthill-mounters there may dawn a new day, still. Provided you don't choke on your collective, gibbered drool by nightfall.
posted by deCadmus at 11:55 AM on June 22, 2007

Y'all suck.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:16 PM on June 22, 2007

This thread rules. From now on, no one is allowed to flame without first referencing these guides.
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:29 PM on June 22, 2007

It takes an especially ill-bred sort of meatsack to be so addle-brained as to confuse the treasured art of insultory with base and artless profanity-laced cursemongering.

Yeah -- and fuck you, too. *spits*
posted by ericb at 12:43 PM on June 22, 2007

Guides? Bah!

In a former life I toured much of the U.S. Renaissance Festival circuit as a thespian-for-hire and professional insulter.
posted by deCadmus at 12:48 PM on June 22, 2007

You insult like a dairy farmer!
posted by nasreddin at 12:53 PM on June 22, 2007

You insult like a dairy farmer!

You are correct, sirrah... I insult with warm hands.

You, however, haven't the wits to note the difference in dangly bits... or is there another reason you're masturbating that bull?
posted by deCadmus at 1:07 PM on June 22, 2007 [2 favorites]

I miss Black Adder. Now there was some fine insults.
posted by Bovine Love at 1:10 PM on June 22, 2007

You, however, haven't the wits to note the difference in dangly bits... or is there another reason you're masturbating that bull?
posted by deCadmus at 9:07 PM on June 22 [+] [!]

I miss Black Adder.
posted by Bovine Love at 9:10 PM on June 22 [+] [!]

posted by goo at 1:27 PM on June 22, 2007

Christ, you sorry shower of twats.
posted by Abiezer at 1:30 PM on June 22, 2007

Please excuse my previous, I meant to say inter-cultural exchange can be such an enriching experience.
posted by Abiezer at 1:32 PM on June 22, 2007

nasreddin wrote "You insult like a dairy farmer!"

How appropriate - you insult like a cow!
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:34 PM on June 22, 2007

I've never insulted a British person. I've only described them.
posted by srboisvert at 2:22 PM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

These appear to be something akin to insults, although not as funny...
posted by Samizdata at 2:25 PM on June 22, 2007

Krushchev raised the bar in 1960 by pounding his own shoe on the table at the UN, thus adding insole to injury.

According to Scenes from the Lives of the Great Socialists (Rowson/Killane), at the moment Kruschev banged the shoe on the table, someone had the forethought to look under the table and noticed that the Russian leader was still wearing both his shoes.
posted by Hogshead at 2:41 PM on June 22, 2007

you illiterate turkey-buggering colonials

But if I'm an illiterate turkey-fucker howcum I know I'm being insulted, huh?

By the way, it helps if you thaw it first.
posted by davy at 2:47 PM on June 22, 2007

To say that this thread is a distended plastic vessel that contains a fetid suspension of solid, liquid and gaseous faeces is to insult shitbags everywhere.
posted by lalochezia at 2:51 PM on June 22, 2007

I liked "Attila the Hen" for Thatcher. Good stuff. More of that.
posted by dammitjim at 4:36 PM on June 22, 2007

Of course, today "banging the shoe on the table" would suggest some kind of foot fetish or that you just likey your Nike.

And, as the reaction to "turkey-buggering" shows, as well as past MeFite assaults on mashed potatoes and other non-consenting non-humans, some concepts just aren't considered as insulting as they used to be.
posted by wendell at 5:48 PM on June 22, 2007

black adder? she said, sneeringly, I miss the Vicar of Dibley, ah, she was a right one at this, she was
posted by infini at 6:11 PM on June 22, 2007

Arguably, the most lasting damage we do is not in delivering the well-judged — if ephemeral — taunt, but in naming our unfortunate offspring:

Anthony Trollope's mother, Frances, wrote a highly critical book called The Domestic Manners of the Americans. The Americans were rather non-plussed since they simply could not believe that ... 'Fanny Trollope' was not a pseudonym.
posted by rob511 at 6:26 PM on June 22, 2007

i wish i'd known who had originally written this ... it is by far the nastiest thing i've ever read

Cigs37 you swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid.

Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know.

I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you my not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us 'normal' people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are 'challenged' persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been 'right'. Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.


Cigs37 you are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
posted by pyramid termite at 9:18 PM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

Brilliant. One of the many things I love about Brits.

Wasn't there a 'curse like a Shakespearean character' generator somewhere?
posted by rmm at 11:32 PM on June 22, 2007

This thread makes me ashamed to be English.
posted by Mocata at 7:24 AM on June 23, 2007

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