Children are humiliating.
July 2, 2007 2:57 AM   Subscribe

Even a misopedist such as myself has to laugh at the comments on humiliating moments in parenting.
posted by BrotherCaine (52 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite

OMG! The kid is a marsupial!
posted by Sparx at 3:05 AM on July 2, 2007

I hope this isn't going to turn into some kind of obnoxious "childfree" (and, please let me point out how much I despise that odious term) thread. Tell me if it is, so I can prepare to shower personal insults on all the morons and haters.

I wish there were a word for one who hates adults.
posted by chuckdarwin at 3:16 AM on July 2, 2007

Metafilter: Is your vulva clean?
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 3:36 AM on July 2, 2007

"One who hates adults", misanthropist doesn't quite work does it? Misgeriatrist? Wait, adult is from adultus, so misadultist for hating grown ups?
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:57 AM on July 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

hmm, none of these stories make me hate kids but instead cause me to feel great fondness for them. The pocket-pen story is unbeatable, and I really liked the "hey, what's in the box?" one too.
posted by lastobelus at 4:00 AM on July 2, 2007

I remember one time, when my little brother was about, I dunno, 5 or 6, we were slowly driving around a used car lot, just browsing, as my dad loves to buy used cars.

About half-way through the lot, we slowly pass a Sikh gentleman who was also looking at the cars. Upon seeing the Sikh gentleman, my little brother screams, in his very loudest voice:


Kids say the darndest things, folks!
posted by Avenger at 4:15 AM on July 2, 2007

Wait....I just read some more comments and I saw that my story is hardly unique.

I'm both relieved and mortified.
posted by Avenger at 4:22 AM on July 2, 2007

Too good not to share here, too:

I have a little sister who's 18 years younger than me. One day when she was about two or three, we were driving down the street and she saw a young black guy walking along the sidewalk. He was wearing a doo-rag with two long tails hanging down his back, and sort of bopping to the music on his headphones. She took one look, her eyes got huge, and she pulled herself up in her seat, pointed a finger, and shouted "JAR-JAR! JAR-JAR!"
posted by EarBucket at 4:28 AM on July 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

Thanks for playing, BrotherCaine.
posted by chuckdarwin at 4:35 AM on July 2, 2007

When my children -then very young-saw a man with dreads for the first time, they started yelling, "Mommy, that man has WORMS in his hair!"
posted by konolia at 4:49 AM on July 2, 2007

These are great stories but I got pulled up short by the one in the comments where the parent didn't really get the drift -- telling the story of when her 16 year-old daughter stole mom's friends' pain meds and took a bunch of them and sold the rest on the street. Kids do the darndest things, the little rapscallions! Hey, I got one! My son murdered several young men -- and then, to our embarrassment, ate them! My husband and I still talk about that one. Signed, Mrs. Dahmer.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 4:58 AM on July 2, 2007 [4 favorites]

im in ur cultur, hatn ur owtdayted noshuns of shayem

Srsly, I hope when I have kids, I can teach them not to be uncomfortable about their bodies and so on. "Sometimes my penis gets big! And it feels good!" Why is that embarassing? It's just a fact of nature, man.
posted by Eideteker at 5:20 AM on July 2, 2007

When I was three my parents took me on my first airplane voyage. After takeoff, when peanuts were passed around, I crammed all mine in my mouth and crunched them up. Both my mom and dad gave me their packets too, which I also crunched up; at this point I hadn't really swallowed any of it, was just enjoying chewing all the peanuts into a paste in my mouth.

And then suddenly I sneezed. I sneezed a whole mouthful of chewed-up peanuts all over the back of the bald head of the man sitting in front of me. My parents were mortified and had to help wipe up the mess and then spend the rest of the five hour flight sitting directly behind the man. And I cried, mostly because I hadn't really gotten to eat any of the peanuts.

Also I was talking when I was very young; one day I was with my mom in the grocery store, and she had me slung in one of those baby carriers on her back, and while she was in the checkout line pulling stuff out of her cart, I piped up and said, "Mommy, you're hurting my penis."
posted by hermitosis at 5:23 AM on July 2, 2007 [6 favorites]

Srsly, I hope when I have kids, I can teach them not to be uncomfortable about their bodies and so on. "Sometimes my penis gets big! And it feels good!" Why is that embarassing? It's just a fact of nature, man.posted by Eideteker

Either you're taking the piss, man.
Or you've missed the entire point. Srsly.
posted by Jody Tresidder at 6:11 AM on July 2, 2007

Just more evidence for my theory that children are insane.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:13 AM on July 2, 2007

Eideteker lives a shame-free existence, and says exactly what's on his mind at any given time. Hooray!
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 6:23 AM on July 2, 2007

Eideteker lives a shame-free existence, and says exactly what's on his mind at any given time. Hooray!

Isn't that the whole point of the internet?

So I guess the internet makes us all 3 years old again?

Huh, I think my penis just got big.
posted by Avenger at 6:41 AM on July 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

OMG that was funny.

Childhood is kind of like the Adam and Eve story. At first it is all innocence and exploration, and then all of a sudden you realize you are naked and the party is over.
posted by caddis at 6:42 AM on July 2, 2007 [7 favorites]

Kids spend their entire childhood figuring out creative ways to embarrass us, then they have the nerve to say we're embarrassing them when they're teenagers. I guess that's just nature's way of balancing things out. When you're standing in the checkout line with your 3 year old princess who's happily chattering away about the whole family's bodily functions, you can plot your sweet revenge.
posted by amyms at 6:54 AM on July 2, 2007

me: I need some new crayons. None of these are sharp. I like sharp crayons.
teach: We can't always have new ones. Sometimes you have to use old ones.
me: Are you fucking kidding me?
For the motherfucking win.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:59 AM on July 2, 2007 [8 favorites]

Either you're taking the piss, man.
Or you've missed the entire point. Srsly.

How could he miss the point? The point has gotten big and it feels good.
posted by srboisvert at 7:01 AM on July 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

Great stuff. I didn't understand this one, though:

Another one: The grocery store that my parents frequent is called the Country Store. As many little kids do, I experimented with the name, stressing the wrong syllables, one time coming out with, "Mom and I are going to the CUNT-ry store." My parents laughed so hard and so long that I continued to call it that for years, so long that I eventually got embarassed without really knowing why.

"Country Store" doesn't sound any different from "CUNT-ry Store"!
posted by languagehat at 7:03 AM on July 2, 2007

second to the pocket story is probably, "Daddy, remember that one time, when you were PEEING IN MOMMY'S MOUTH?" (from a child who had caught a peek at an act of fellatio.)
posted by caddis at 7:06 AM on July 2, 2007

2) Another little boy was playing with his penis, and his mother tells him to stop. He says "ok". Five minutes later she looks at him again, and he is playing with his penis. She says, "I told you to stop that!" He looks at her seriously and says "The penis doesn't listen."
The kid learned young.

Obligatory.. MetaFilter: The penis doesn't listen.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:06 AM on July 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

Depends on your accent I guess. Most people I know pronounce it "cun-chree", so emphasizing the T would make a difference.
posted by scalefree at 7:13 AM on July 2, 2007

Talk about mortifying, in this comment the mother actually admits she named her son Hermes. I say he gets a free pass on any damn thing he says.
posted by scalefree at 7:23 AM on July 2, 2007

I think some of the comments are made up:

My brother also had a bathtime incident in which he asked my mother what his testicles were. "I don't know," she replied (god knows why), and he said, "They look like balls. I think I'll call them balls."

Now I'm not a doctor, but I am a man, and I know that my testes didn't drop until puberty. For this story to be accurate, the kid would have had to have been at least 12, and probably more like 13-14. And I doubt his mother would be bathing him at that point.
posted by humblepigeon at 7:50 AM on July 2, 2007

I'm visiting my brother and his wife; my parents are there for the weekend as well. My wife sits down on the couch next to my mother, and says to my nephew, "Don't I get a hug?" He runs over, hugs her, then grabs her boobs and says, "YOU HAVE BIG BOOBIES!" She ignores him. Louder, "YOUR BOOBIES ARE BIG!" "Yes, honey, I know..."

I thought it was hilarious, and I think my wife would have too, had my mother not been right there. Her presence, though, moved it over into the "slightly mortifying" category.
posted by god hates math at 7:53 AM on July 2, 2007

In my posting above, I mistakenly said that testicles "drop" during puberty. They don't. They just get a hell of a lot bigger (SFW Wikipedia link). That said, I don't think prepubescent boys have "balls" as such. Without going into too much detail, it's kinda just a penis and a mound of flesh... At least until you're 14.
posted by humblepigeon at 7:59 AM on July 2, 2007

Kids rock. It's adults I'm not so sure about.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:03 AM on July 2, 2007

I agree, that was a little bizarre... all of these amused parents are sharing their precious wacky kid stories about how innocently embarrassing they can be and then suddenly Debbie Downer pipes in with:

Well, when my oldest was 15 she went to my friend's house and stole all of her pain medication (the friend has fibromyalgia). She then proceeded to ingest a great deal of the pain meds herself and sold all the rest on the street. I was humiliated, and I'm still angry, 6 years later. I was humiliated when it happened, humiliated when I had to go to the police station, humiliated when the cop commisserated with me over what a rotten daughter I had on my hands. So...not a cute toddler story, but it was seriously horrible while it was happening.

Uhhhh. Ummmm. Ok.

I just hope her daughter didn't announce to the arresting officers that she was BRINGING HER BAGINA to jail with her and offer to wash his penis.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:18 AM on July 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

I don't know how embarrassing this was for anyone, but in hindsight it's hilarious: I had discovered that you can puff out your cheeks and fill your whole mouth with water. I had done just that, and was walking around with a mouthful of water, when my great-uncle assumed that I just had my cheeks puffed out with air. He squeezed my cheeks and was soaked.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:37 AM on July 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

If I had a child who had such a strong grasp of simile at the age of three as to be able to say, "Holy shit mommy! That lady's ass is as big as a bus!" I'd be very proud.
posted by invitapriore at 8:51 AM on July 2, 2007

Oh, I just remembered this one: We had just moved back to my home town, and was in the process of getting a prekindergaten exam for my youngest, along with doctor visits for the other two.

For the first visit I had just brought one child and for a subsequent visit about a week or so later I had to bring all three. One of the kids who hadn't been with me the previous time was in the process of being examined by the (rather young) pediatrician. She looked down at her sister and exclaimed, "You're right-his breath does stink!"
posted by konolia at 8:51 AM on July 2, 2007

When I was five I got really into practical jokes.

One night at the dinner table my mom was pouring milk for us and I realized that if I jerked my glass away, she'd pour milk all over the table. So when she got to my glass, I yanked it back and she flooded the table. As everyone looked at me with expressions of bewilderment and ager, I laughed at the top of my lungs: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

I was disinclined to remain at the table.
posted by hermitosis at 8:59 AM on July 2, 2007 [3 favorites]

Heh. I seriously needed that laugh, thanks! My favorite from the comments thread:

"My husband's oldest son now 16 traveled with his dad and younger brother to Florida on a visit when he was probably 7 or 8. They were
sitting near the wing of the plane when the put the flaps up or something. He jumped up and began screaming "May Day, May Day, the plane is going DOWN!"

A few years later he was at the park when a little kid fell of his bike. He ran across the field screaming, "Stand back, I am cub scout first aid trained!"

The second one is not so much humiliating as it is awesome.
posted by LeeJay at 9:09 AM on July 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

languagehat writes "'Country Store' doesn't sound any different from 'CUNT-ry Store'!"

Probably depends on where the hyphen falls? Cun-try vs cunt-ree. Or, as scalefree says, the "tr pronounced as chr" thing (I'm Texan. For me, a green thing that grows out of the ground is pronounced "chree". "Country" is "cunchree", while "cunt-ry" is "cunt-ree".) Or it could be as simple as just volume and emphasis. Like pronouncing "dictator" as "DICK!!!!!!!!!!tator"
posted by Bugbread at 9:23 AM on July 2, 2007

Yeah, the "tr pronounced as chr" thing is probably it. I don't say it that way, so it didn't occur to me.
posted by languagehat at 9:31 AM on July 2, 2007

I have no children, and my memory of my own childhood is spotty at best, but to this day, you'd be surprised at how effective "When I was little, I got an erection and I showed my grandma" is as an icebreaker.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:42 AM on July 2, 2007

I remember at about that age (3 or so) going clothes shopping with my mother. She went to try something on in one of the curtained dressing rooms and suddenly I really wanted to tell her something. So I walked over to her dressing room and threw open the curtain while excitedly yelling "Mommy! Mommy!"

Unfortunately the cute girl frantically holding her hands over her underwear wasn't my mommy. The man laughing hysterically behind me really enjoyed my mistake, though.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:55 AM on July 2, 2007

BTW, my entire life I've been totally paranoid about kids in dressing rooms doing the same thing to me. Payback & all.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:56 AM on July 2, 2007

I can't decide which is my favorite - Jesus as a Radical Fairy, or the nonchalant delivery of "my mommy likes my daddy that way."

The more I think about them both, the more Pepsi comes spurting out my nose.
posted by spinturtle at 9:56 AM on July 2, 2007

Now I'm not a doctor, but I am a man, and I know that my testes didn't drop until puberty.

You should probably read these then.
posted by Pollomacho at 10:08 AM on July 2, 2007

Yeah, Humblepigeon, everybody's different, but I know I had clearly ball-like testicles from elementary school on, at least. I think that story is legit.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:21 AM on July 2, 2007

posted by speicus at 10:22 AM on July 2, 2007

Metafilter: smells like someone's been eating salmon
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:33 AM on July 2, 2007

When she was 2, and having trouble with her tr sound, so that she said tree as fee, she shouted out, on a crowded street, "Look Mommy. A fire fuck."

For a second I was terrified my mom submitted that one, because I had that exact problem with a "tr" sound at that age, and made the same mistake. The other stories that commenter told didn't match up, though.
posted by piratebowling at 12:49 PM on July 2, 2007

When I was very young, we had a membership at the YMCA. One day my mother and I were in the showers in the family locker room, and I exclaimed loudly to the little boy and his mother across the shower room, "Hey, my daddy has one of those, only bigger!!!" We changed and showered in the females-only locker room after that.
posted by vytae at 2:11 PM on July 2, 2007

The best one:

"My daughter, at 5 years old, called one of my adult male friends "daddy". He was just around a lot. One day when she was misbehaving, he walked into the room and asked her what she was doing. She turned around, shook her bottom at him, and said "Spank me, Daddy!" all the while slapping herself on the behind."

I bet she grew up to be a Pussycat Doll.
posted by saturnine at 4:20 PM on July 2, 2007

1965, kids TV show. Sonny Fox, the emcee, asks kids to say tongue twisters, like Unique New York. He turns to one little boy and the challenge is "Rubber baby buggy bumper". The 8 year old takes a gulp and bursts out with, "Bugger, bugger, bugger bugger bugger".

After blanching, Sonny Fox elegantly stands up with just a wisp of a smile, turning to the next kid with a different challenge.
posted by nickyskye at 8:18 PM on July 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

I told this story back on voting day, but I'll repeat it, because it's funny.

I've taken my son to every single election since he was born. Local, state, feds, dogcatcher...if there's a voting booth, I'm there and I'm taking him with me.

So, congressional election (I think), he's just shy of his 4th birthday. We go to the voting place, which is staffed by the Venerable Ancients that they defrost for just such occasions.

Ancient One hands me my ballot and then leans over the table and smilingly asks "Are you here to vote, young man?", to which my son promptly replied: "No sir, my mom just needs new people to yell at on the TV."

posted by dejah420 at 7:24 PM on July 3, 2007 [5 favorites]

Hey! I used to BE one of those venerable ancients!

posted by konolia at 11:05 AM on July 4, 2007

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