Get yer Marvel Universe info right here!

September 15, 2007 3:50 PM

The Official Marvel Character Bios will clue you in on Marvel characters from the obscure to the world famous. To find out about the really, really obscure you have to visit The Appendix to The Handbook of the Marvel Universe, where you can learn about such characters as Glowworm (a.k.a. Race Killer), Thunderhoof (part of Force Four) and human/amoeba hybrid Half-Man.
posted by Kattullus (56 comments total)

The Official Marvel Character Bios, or: everything you read there is true until the next retconning.
posted by darkripper at 3:59 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

everything you read there is true until the next retconning

Fair enough, but Marvel has a ways to go before it catches up with DC and this week's Infinite Crises on Infinite Earths for the Infinite Time.
posted by Rangeboy at 4:08 PM on September 15, 2007

Speaking of really, really obscure, there's also Gone & Forgotten, a blog about canceled comics/superheroes.
posted by tepidmonkey at 4:09 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Rangeboy - I think the resets for Civil War may push them over that line.
posted by Artw at 4:16 PM on September 15, 2007

Big Wheel.
posted by Artw at 4:47 PM on September 15, 2007

Worst. Mutant power. Ever?
posted by sparkletone at 4:51 PM on September 15, 2007

MetaFilter
First Appearance: July, 1999

Enemies: Maraud and her loyal army of Snarks
posted by hermitosis at 4:52 PM on September 15, 2007

I have battled many of these supervillains in D&D, until I put on the pair of pants that ate my legs. Trousero, I think his name was. Eventually choked to death on Ben Grimm.
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:55 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

*sigh* Again, would someone please tell me why a guy (Cypher) who has the power to speak to anyone, hack any computer, program in any computer language (this is canon for the character as according to Marvel) plus read body language well enough to bust a table of pros at poker have the "worst power ever"?

Please. Explain this. Because for the life of me, I just do not get it.

He's the ultimate hacker, the ultimate diplomat, the ultimate poker shark. WTF? This is not uncool! This is not unpowerful!

It is NOT the worst mutant power ever. That'd be Beak. Or the guy whose power was to have two faces. Or to be a ghost. Or any number of other things that are totally totally useless!

Just because you can't beat the snot out of Magneto doesn't mean you have the worst power ever.

Thus endeth my "Stop thinking of powers in one-dimensional 11-year old boy "Who can beat up whom" ways" rant for today.
posted by FritoKAL at 5:07 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'm with you, FritoKAL, I always thought Cypher was under appreciated. His relative weakness really brought a level of humanity to the otherwise hyperbolic X-Universe. That and nobody ever really explored the extent of his powers, at least while I was reading the X-Books. His death was one of the final straws for my superhero-reading period.
posted by lekvar at 5:21 PM on September 15, 2007

Worst. Mutant power. Ever?

I think it's this guy's.

Nice link. I've always been a DC gal, myself though. Not sure why. Too many versions of the X-Men?
posted by longdaysjourney at 5:25 PM on September 15, 2007

While it's true that Cypher was underused, the storylines where he had a significant presence were always a bit forced, there just happened to be something that needed translating, etc. Plus, Kitty could already hack anything.
posted by signal at 5:38 PM on September 15, 2007

Uh, no, Chamber is pretty damn powerful (and he has a lower face again).

I always thought Mammomax was pretty bad. Longshot has been my favorite for years.
posted by oddman at 5:39 PM on September 15, 2007

On another note, the thing about the main link is not just that it's an 'official' guide to the Marvel universe, but that it's a (moderated) wiki.
posted by signal at 5:40 PM on September 15, 2007

Not to harp on the links, but I can't think of a power worse than turning into a white glowing monster when filled with racist anger like Glowworm.
posted by Kattullus at 5:53 PM on September 15, 2007

Not bragging, but there is a Marvel Superguy whose alter-identity is named Wendell and his super-name is disturbingly similar to 'quonsar'...
posted by wendell at 5:57 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Your favorite superhero sucks.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:24 PM on September 15, 2007

Yeah, count me in as a Cypher defender. Perfect fluency in every language in the universe? Hell, count me in! You'd be the ultimate translator, the ultimate spy and the ultimate diplomat, and thanks to being fluent in Korean, you'd never have to pay for software again.

If it's useless powers you want, allow me to present to you... Phat.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:37 PM on September 15, 2007

I had months with no reading material but the bible and the marvel universe handbooks. Buddy of mine was reading a Silver Surfer comic, looked up at me and said "Who's the Jack of Hearts?"
And I'd just rattle off that that Jack Hart was a half alien immersed in zero fluid which reacted with his Contraxian DNA and so he can project force bolts and was an Avenger and worked for SHIELD and 'Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its ardor unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like like the very flame of the lord' - Song of Solomon.
*smirk*
"...Smed wtf are you talking about? Who TF is this guy shooting the purple rays, man?"
(I eventually got a wider range of reading material)

This "power grid" business disturbs me. Of course the "100 tons" thing was kind of silly as well. Still, a range of 7 just doesn't seem to cover it.
posted by Smedleyman at 7:25 PM on September 15, 2007

I should point out that aside from the first couple books of Whedon's X-Men run, the only Marvel property I've read that I can recall is Nextwave.

So, uh.

That should be an indicator of stuff.
posted by sparkletone at 7:30 PM on September 15, 2007

Smedleyman, what situation was it that entailed only having Bibles Christian and Marvel to read?
posted by Kattullus at 7:47 PM on September 15, 2007

The power grid thingy is flat wrong. No way Captain America is as strong as Iron Man and Thor. He may be fun at parties, but he's not going to chuck a car at you.
posted by JWright at 7:59 PM on September 15, 2007

People you aren't even trying El Guapo has to be the lamest power.
posted by oddman at 8:18 PM on September 15, 2007

The Marvel connections tool on the site reminds me of the recent paper, How To Become a Superhero [PDF] in which a physicist analyzes the network properties of the Marvel Universe (seriously). Among the findings are the discovery that the network is more characteristic of a technical rather than social network, that the strongest link is between Spider Man an Mary Jane, and that females and villains do not play key roles in connecting communities.
posted by i love cheese at 8:36 PM on September 15, 2007

Worst power ever? Ladies and gents, I bring you ... Matter-Eater Lad.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:59 PM on September 15, 2007

Levkar, Signal, Faint - Thank you. Seriously. I mean, I'm biased, since I have a 'thing' for blondish nerdy white smart guys, but seriously. In the age of Neo of practically worshipping at the altar of cyberpunk / hacker movies / the nerd-as-hero genre, Cypher done right would be the most bad-ass thing out there.

Yes, Marvel screwed it up, yes, sometimes he was forced into plots. They could've used his power with a lot more grace and intelligence then they did.

But it does not mean the power itself sucked.

And in the realm of proving it.

It can be done right (self-linkish, fannish, but this is sure as heck better then what Marvel did, and still manages to have him be nerdy, awkward and get himself shot. He just lived afterward.)

http://x-cypher.livejournal.com/friends
posted by FritoKAL at 9:00 PM on September 15, 2007

I picked up a copy of Infinite Crisis at the bookstore this evening and my head exploded. Granted, it's the DC multiverse(s) but gadzooks, how can anyone keep track of that snarled mess of conflicting storylines and alternate realities without a massive database and brain implants?

Also, the comparing of relative powers reminds me a lot of early nineteenth-century lit crit ("he had the finest mind of his generation, perhaps even finer than the mind of Frost")

/and now back to my cold medicine.
posted by craniac at 9:50 PM on September 15, 2007

My god, I may just have to concede that El Guapo has the lamest powers of all. His power is essentially that he can ride a skateboard really, really well, with some special telekinetic juju. However, reading his bio page, one finds out that at one point "he was attacked by his own skateboard for cheating on his girlfriend." And this is how he met his end: "Shortly after the death of Henrietta Hunter, the record company released a single by her which ended up killing anyone who sang it. El Guapo hummed along with it, and was shortly impaled by his own skateboard."

No matter who you think the lamest-powered superhero is, I think Mitchell and Webb were on to something about superhero teams with their skits about Angel Summoner and BMX Bandit.
posted by Kattullus at 9:51 PM on September 15, 2007

Your favorite superhero sucks.

You must be thinking of Alan Laurel (aka Hummingbird).
posted by rob511 at 10:01 PM on September 15, 2007

Have you any of you guys read Animal Man? He was a shitty DC B-character that Grant Morrison revived in the late 80s. I don't want to ruin it for you but I will say halfway through the series it turns into a meta headfuck. DC had just gone through their first Infinite Whatever and a whole slew of heroes and villains had just been written out of existece. At one point Animal Man ends up traveling to an alternate dimension full these abandoned characters and the series becomes a deconstruction on the whole notion of retconning.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 10:12 PM on September 15, 2007

Okay, I'll give you Cypher. He's amazing especially in the digital age, but how about Forge? He can build anything he imagines. A spaceship. A machine to take away mutant powers. A machine to give powers.

He can also understand how machines work just by looking at them.

Lastly, he's a fricking master sorcerer who had the power to bring people to life at one point.

Cypher + Forge could conquer the marvel universe pretty easily.
posted by damn dirty ape at 10:51 PM on September 15, 2007

I was a huge comics junky when I was a kid. DC, Marvel (mostly Marvel), Dark Horse -- anything. I had a pretty amazing collection at one point, too.

It was retconning that finally turned me off comics for good. I recognized (even as a kid) retconning as a sign of extreme literary laziness or just simple greed.

If you want to take an old character and do some new things with him/her, just reboot the damn series and do whatever you want with it. But CHRIST don't do this whole "Uhhh, well this Green Lantern exists on Earth 4092098.21a, but this one exists on Earth Aleph3098.3, except when he entered the Red Portal and was transported to Bizzaro Earth 29..." etc. etc. It's just retarded.

I'll come back to comics when the writers can start creating heroes with unique, intriguing storylines and when I don't have to scan a single wikipedia article for three hours to understand a single character's backstory across multiple infinite dimensions.
posted by Avenger at 1:06 AM on September 16, 2007

Cypher + Forge could conquer the marvel universe pretty easily.

Except that comic book writers have often inserted characters of immense power into the canon, and they're largely forgotten. Like this guy.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:12 AM on September 16, 2007

To hell with fighting crime. Someone tell O'Reilly to hire that Cypher guy. The guy is a walking man page!

Hmmm... "I am... man Man!"

Anywho, I can't read a thread without Tick superheroes and villains popping up in my head constantly. That show truly ruined me for superhero comics.
posted by JHarris at 2:18 AM on September 16, 2007

In a world where there are guys like Typeface around, Cypher is fucking god.
posted by darkripper at 4:50 AM on September 16, 2007

There is a goldmine of terrible heros in the Dial H for Hero series, readers would submit their ideas and one would be picked and drawn.

So for example, Mighty Moppet.
posted by jeremias at 5:38 AM on September 16, 2007

Sockamagee, jeremias!
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:55 AM on September 16, 2007

Sorry, but it doesn't have certain 2099 characters. It also lists 2099 as an "alternate Earth" even though Marvel has repeatedly stated 2099 is definitely Earth-616. Let the retconning begin!
posted by Eideteker at 8:00 AM on September 16, 2007

Thanks for reminding me of Molecule Man, Cool Papa Bell. Many authors have gone to immense effort to come up with explanations for why Molecule Man doesn't simply take over the universe. He's the most absurdly powerful superhero ever created.
posted by Kattullus at 8:10 AM on September 16, 2007

Many authors have gone to immense effort to come up with explanations for why Molecule Man doesn't simply take over the universe.

...or accidentally annihilate it.

It has been observed that this sort of thing could have been a problem for Klaatu, too.

"I will demonstrate my power by neutralising electricity, all over the world!"

[Sound of planet either flying apart into a cloud of subatomic particles or collapsing into a singularity. Maybe both.]

"Bugger. Should have thought of that."
posted by dansdata at 10:02 AM on September 16, 2007

Wow, context helps. Peter Milligan's X-Force / X-Statix was awesome satire. So Phat & El Guapo are lame, yes: Hello, & welcome to the joke.

Cool Papa Bell: Molecule Man... uh, yeah, I thought his powers went back to the Beyonder, which article explains more but omfg my brain hurts.

Convoluted continuity doesn't do anything for me. DC is currently deeply into it.
posted by Pronoiac at 11:51 AM on September 16, 2007

There really needs to be a mutant supervillain whose sole power is to copy the powers of dead superheroes. That way we could see how powers like Cypher's could be used to their full potential.

Marvel people, are you listening? I'd volunteer writing time for this.
posted by Kickstart70 at 12:44 PM on September 16, 2007

There really needs to be a mutant supervillain whose sole power is to copy the powers of dead superheroes. That way we could see how powers like Cypher's could be used to their full potential.

Awesome, awesome idea.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:26 PM on September 16, 2007

I'm sure the story would revolve around him trying to kill certain heroes so that they powers would be copyable by him... hey WAIT!
posted by Eideteker at 3:01 PM on September 16, 2007

Kickstart70, that idea is useless without lots of graphic corpse eating. We can call this guy the Badger.
posted by damn dirty ape at 3:04 PM on September 16, 2007

Eideteker - we could do an episode set in the future where theres some kind of hero registration act and the Heroes get hunted down by giant robots.
posted by Artw at 4:14 PM on September 16, 2007

The Badger? Yeah, he was crazy, but I don't remember him eating any corpses...
And how, exactly have we comer this far without mentioning the inimitable Squirrel Girl? After all, she did single-handedly defeat Dr. Doom.
posted by lekvar at 9:15 PM on September 16, 2007

Well, Pronoiac thanks so very much for helping us get our daily dose of condescension. Yes, we know that those titles were commentaries on the genre.

The characters still sucked.

Watchmen on the other hand managed to say something about superhero comics without painful character design.
posted by oddman at 9:54 PM on September 16, 2007

Um, yeah. Squirrel Girl freaking rocks!
posted by oddman at 9:59 PM on September 16, 2007

Heh. I just finished the last book of Earth X this weekend. I'm not sure what to take from it beyond "Actions have Consequences" and "The Wikipedia Comics Project is Helpful."

Although some of the meta-cosmology stuff presented in the series is interesting, much of it sounds like what you'd expect a Rorschach-as-Marvel-comic fan to yell at you while waving picket signs: "Thor and Venom are the same species!" "Creel is the City!" "Mar-vell gave himself cancer!" "Alternate realities exist to give the Devil an escape!" or "Wolverine is not a mutant! He is the apex of original humanity!"
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:21 AM on September 17, 2007

I picked up a copy of Infinite Crisis at the bookstore this evening and my head exploded. Granted, it's the DC multiverse(s) but gadzooks, how can anyone keep track of that snarled mess of conflicting storylines and alternate realities without a massive database and brain implants?

Derailing a little, I'm really curious as an industry-watcher to see what happens to DC in the next few years now that they've openly centered their business model around catering exclusively to established superfans with advanced knowledge of DC continuity. I kind of think we'll hear a goose hacking and coughing as it chokes to near-death while laying a series of smaller and smaller golden eggs.

Anyway, Marvel characters: this thread rules, just because the El Guapo and Phat references reminded me of the exceeding awesomeness of Milligan and Allred's X-Force/Statix.

My pick for worst powers would be the incidental X-Men character Morrison created (I can't even remember his name) who was essentially an intelligent fart who lived in a rubber suit. If I remember it right, his life was saved when someone fixed a leak with a condom.
posted by COBRA! at 6:56 AM on September 17, 2007

DC's "characters actually age" tact is also pretty shallow. There is no way they will ever, ever change or alter their A list roster in any lasting way. Yeah, we'll all be able to watch the new Blue Beetle buy his first beer, rent a car, and apply for life insurance (only to be denied due to the Ted Kord Clause), but there is absotively no way for Batman to ever not be Bruce Wayne.

Were I a more paranoid person, I'd listen to what my teeth have to say when they intercept rogue signals from the DC Head Offices - The current "let's plumb the depths of every and any character ever used in a DC comic ever" trend, coupled with the "Crisis every six months" trend will lead to a Coke/New Coke scenario. People will tire of the New Coke of DC and call for a return to Classic, ala Dark Victory or New Frontier, DC. Thus, DC will respond and we'll see more and more mini-series featuring familiar characters on one hand that do not affect the continuity-laden Crisis Comix of the other. Fans will cheer DC's 'return to the classic tales that made their heroes great,' but many will still buy Crisis on Finite Worlds at War when it comes out.

DC has seen what Marvel has done with its Ultimate line and smacks its lips greedily.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:46 AM on September 17, 2007

God, the editorially mandated crap at DC is terrible right now. Marvel isn't much better now. Basically in order to be worth reading these days a big two comic has to be off in it's own pocket continuity, or it'll be a big bag of wank.

It's a shame Morrison has gotten roped into a Crisis. I loved Seven Soldiers and DC One Million, which bother kind of stood on their own, but seriously couldn't be arsed with 52, which was very much linked to the previous crises, and is spinning off further continuity laden junk. I suspect FInal Crisis is doomed to be the later rather than the former.
posted by Artw at 8:24 AM on September 17, 2007

(Kattullus - pretty much all I quick packed for a trip. Asked my GF (at the time) to pack “some comics” and some books. Long periods of nothing to do and I’m a voracious reader. Bibles are fairly ubiquitous. sorry I didn’t get back sooner - busy weekend)
posted by Smedleyman at 11:17 AM on September 17, 2007

Since the Beyonder is now a crazy Inhuman (Thanks a bunch Bendis!) I would assume that Molecule Man has his powers back, or never gave them up... or something.
posted by davros42 at 3:14 PM on September 18, 2007

davros: That story's set in the past, before Molecule Man was depowered. And, that could have been the Beyonder pranking everyone else with a fake backstory.

Though now I'm wondering wtf Bendis is up to. The Beyonder smacks down the Hulk! He's pulling the strings against the Avengers! He caused Civil War! He's a convenient deus ex machina!
posted by Pronoiac at 6:10 PM on September 18, 2007