Hey Hey We're the Monkeys
October 21, 2007 4:55 PM   Subscribe

Serious monkey trouble for the deputy mayor. How to end the scourge? "One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys..."School children are nervous, but at least one monkey is charged with protecting commuters. Of course, serious monkey problems are nothing new. Baby monkeys aren't even safe. Better learn how to prevent or survive an attack.
posted by cal71 (24 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Paul Frank declined comment.
posted by well_balanced at 5:03 PM on October 21, 2007

Am I the only one who remembers that MadTv skit where they show John Madden having to do douche commercials, and telling us that he calls trouble with the lady bits "monkey troubles"?
posted by emjaybee at 5:28 PM on October 21, 2007

posted by mr_roboto at 6:28 PM on October 21, 2007

Sounds very familiar to me:

But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?

No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.

But aren't the snakes even worse?

Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.

But then we're stuck with gorillas!

No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.
posted by threetoed at 7:28 PM on October 21, 2007

But do the monkeys have knives?
posted by puke & cry at 7:34 PM on October 21, 2007

Am I the only one who remembers [a] MadTv skit

posted by drjimmy11 at 7:48 PM on October 21, 2007

Why don't people ever LISTEN? Sigh.
Monkeys want us dead. Period.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:54 PM on October 21, 2007

The idea of hiring the "langurwallah" - a handler to control the larger and more ferocious langurs - seems like a Pied Piper story waiting to happen

I would not like having to live around monkeys - I have primate fear since this horrifying thread. This man lived (update 1 and 2) but barely.
posted by madamjujujive at 8:38 PM on October 21, 2007

Sterilize them -- slip something into their bananas. They live 25-30 years, but the effects will be felt soon enough as the population pressure decreases.

I have primate fear since this horrifying thread.

Horrifying is right. I can barely think about that one.
posted by pracowity at 9:46 PM on October 21, 2007

This man's death is sad, and it sounds like the monkeys in Delhi are a serious problem.

But in defense of monkeykind, the wild monkeys I've been around were very hospitible. They seemed to reflect your mood, and if you were calm and happy to see them, they were likewise. One sat on my lap and held my hand, and another sat next to me and masturbated. I can think of no greater compliment.
posted by homunculus at 10:04 PM on October 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

Remind me to politely decline your compliments should I earn them!
posted by baphomet at 10:19 PM on October 21, 2007

omg, the deputy mayor of Delhi died by monkey attack!? How horrible! Can't imagine what the locals are thinking of that. Hanuman's revenge or something for the bridge to Sri Lanka being dredged.

In that incident, a monkey boarded a train at the underground Chawri Bazaar station and reportedly scared passengers by scowling at them for three stops. It then disembarked at Civil Lines station.

oh, that's hilarious.

And madamjujujive, what a nightmare story for poor ST James Davis. aww, poor guy and he's a loving, kind man.

Monkeys are all over India. There were plenty in the Himalayas where I lived, in the bazaar in Mussoorie (very naughty and would steal one's groceries if one didn't watch out). In Simla on the rooftops. Here are rhesus rascals dumpster diving in Manali, on the Indo-Tibetan border.

In the apple harvest time in Manali all the critters come down the mountains, bears, monkeys. I loved it when the langur apes came down for the fruit, lanky and elegant with wonderful faces. Never thought langurs were able to control the rhesus.

Some places I was scared of the monkeys because there were swarms of them, like at Swayambhunath in Nepal and the Barbary apes at Gibralter.
posted by nickyskye at 10:22 PM on October 21, 2007

I can think of no greater compliment

god that's funny.
posted by nickyskye at 10:58 PM on October 21, 2007

Yeah... well... you're lucky. 'Cuz my most memorable monkey bonding experience involved me protectively cradling a screaming child deeply into my chest while bending over and trying to shake a full grown, tooth-baring one of these off of the backpack I was wearing, which he/she had gripped so firmly with his/her monkey claw hands/feet that it created permanent holes in the leather.

Not really a relaxing day, that.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:22 PM on October 21, 2007

That does sound pretty horrible, miss lynnster. The most amicable monkeys I met were in Thailand, but the Balinese monkeys were much more belligerent. They had very different personalities.
posted by homunculus at 11:40 PM on October 21, 2007

Oh, and FWIW, that monkey attack started because our guide walked away. He had been keeping the monkeys away with a stick and we told him we thought it was mean and to leave them alone because they were harmless. I said I thought they were cute. He laughed at us and said, "Okay, whatever you want." Then to teach us a lesson, he went off with his friends and left us.

About three minutes later, one of the people in our group was drinking from a bottle and apparently the monkeys decided they wanted it. It was like The Birds. At first there was a monkey, then there were two, then next thing you know there were monkeys sitting on the perimeter of the stone wall all around us. It was creepy. People feed them all the time (despite the signs saying not to) and we weren't, so they decided just to take what they wanted by running past and grabbing. At first it was only one monkey, but then others joined in. First it was the bottle, but then then they wanted someone's camera. I was ignoring it because at first I just thought it was a silly harmless little animal shenanigans... but then it felt like they just got overly excited about their thievery I guess... and so they started screaming and jumping on us, baring their teeth.

Wasn't very cute.

About a week after that, I was at a place where someone had a little baby monkey. It decided it wanted to bond with me and latched onto my neck. It was obsessed with me and would NOT let go, no matter what people did. So I sat down and just let it be for a minute. It was so cute, and I really tried to relax, but as I looked into its eyes I just kinda realized how freaking human these creatures are. Clearly this monkey was thinking hard. It just kept looking into my eyes, really intensely, as it began to hold my neck tighter and tighter and tighter. And for a second I flashed back to the monkey attack and I decided that it would be a good idea if someone got that monkey to stop squeezing my neck RIGHT. NOW. Baby monkeys are much stronger than they look.

Lesson learned: just 'cuz a monkey is cute doesn't mean it doesn't want to eat your brain. It does.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:44 PM on October 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

The Thai monkeys I met were okay except for the slave ones. Upon seeing people getting too close to a few, they seem to be pretty angry creatures. Not that I blame them. Who wants to pick 700 coconuts a day?
posted by miss lynnster at 11:46 PM on October 21, 2007

Lesson learned: just 'cuz a monkey is cute doesn't mean it doesn't want to eat your brain. It does.

No, it doesn't. It just wants to sit next to you and masturbate. And there's nothing wrong with that.
posted by homunculus at 12:33 AM on October 22, 2007

Those monkeys need spanking.
posted by rhymer at 1:39 AM on October 22, 2007

Oh, you are so blind. As it sat next to you, what do you think it was masturbating to? A vivid fantasy of eating your brain!!!

posted by miss lynnster at 6:46 AM on October 22, 2007

*puts on Yellow Hat*
And now, I’m in charge.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:01 AM on October 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

...if you report a loose monkey, or a bite, animal control will come and shoot the monkey. With bullets. You may be annoyed then, but you'll feel bad when you think about little Bubbles taking one to the chest...

Like hell I'll feel bad. Like madamjujujive, I'm shit scared of lower primates after what those two chimps did to that idiot who brought his former pet a birthday cake. I say shoot straight, animal control officer. Take that monkey down.
posted by quite unimportant at 5:06 PM on October 22, 2007

yikes, miss lynnster - why didn't you just hand over the small child? I would have.

LOL, homunculus. But once about 20 years ago when a strange primate sat beside me on a bench in a park and started masturbating, I definitely didn't take it as a compliment.
posted by madamjujujive at 6:28 PM on October 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

How To Fight Monkeys
posted by homunculus at 1:49 PM on October 23, 2007

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