What does "matures" mean?
December 7, 2007 6:19 PM   Subscribe

The saddest-ever porn. Ever. NSFW. Ever.
posted by parmanparman (75 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: this is not a good post for metafilter. -- jessamyn



 
Are you drunk?
posted by loquacious at 6:21 PM on December 7, 2007


Also - why are you raiding my private bookmarks?
posted by loquacious at 6:22 PM on December 7, 2007


I know what this is. This is a test. mathowie posted this to see how quickly his mods deleted things.

ready...

GO!
posted by ORthey at 6:23 PM on December 7, 2007


I like how all the links go to "tour.shtml?"... looks like a textbook example of Porn Site Design 101.
posted by chips ahoy at 6:24 PM on December 7, 2007


The saddest-ever post. Ever.
posted by tellurian at 6:25 PM on December 7, 2007


Ewwww. Bad click.
posted by Corky at 6:25 PM on December 7, 2007


I don't know what's worse, the one link FPP to commercial porn or the implication that older ladies in pantyhose aren't smokin' hot.
posted by fleetmouse at 6:25 PM on December 7, 2007


Saddest? You've never been to cryingbaldandflaccid.com apparently.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 6:26 PM on December 7, 2007 [5 favorites]


What does "matures" mean?

Well, you see, son, a "mature" is someone who knows better than to make a post like this.
posted by dersins at 6:27 PM on December 7, 2007 [3 favorites]




What the fuck, you should know better.
posted by empath at 6:29 PM on December 7, 2007


I kept trying to figure out what joke I was missing or if there was something ironic I just wasn't picking up on, but yeah no.
posted by whoaali at 6:29 PM on December 7, 2007


*takes a shit*
posted by Falconetti at 6:30 PM on December 7, 2007


What does "matures" mean?

Maybe it's actually "mature sand pantyhose".

...I have no idea what that means either.
posted by wanderingmind at 6:30 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


You're just jealous because you're strokin' it while they're pokin' it.

No lie, neither.
posted by John of Michigan at 6:31 PM on December 7, 2007


There's no way posting something like this shouldn't be a bannable offense.
posted by item at 6:32 PM on December 7, 2007


I don't know what's worse, the one link FPP to commercial porn or the implication that older ladies in pantyhose aren't smokin' hot.

I'm going with option B. The link, eh, I can handle that. Weird, dumb, creepy or misguided - but mostly personally inoffensive.

So I suppose that - if anything - this thread may exist for me to proclaim that older women are hot. Pantyhose or otherwise.

Poor schmuck has no idea what otherworldly, soul-ravishing mysteries he's missing.
posted by loquacious at 6:33 PM on December 7, 2007


And really, if this is the saddest porn you've ever seen, you've been very sheltered. I've seen porn that has sent me into deep despair for the future of mankind and made me question whether the human race really deserves to keep existing, if it's capable of such depravity. I've seen things that I don't think I'll ever fully get over.
posted by empath at 6:33 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


i don't know what's sadder - your posting this drivel or the realization that i am somewhat older than the majority of the mature ladies on that webpage
posted by pyramid termite at 6:33 PM on December 7, 2007 [4 favorites]


Great.
Now what am I gonna do with my weeping boner?
posted by Senor Cardgage at 6:33 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


*itches butt*
posted by Meatbomb at 6:34 PM on December 7, 2007


The sad thing is that the definition of Mature now simply means women over 25.
posted by aburd at 6:34 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


I dunno, most of them looked like they were having at least some fun.
posted by tommasz at 6:35 PM on December 7, 2007


When you put together two words, "mature" and "pantyhose", you get one of the most erotic topics in existence for both mature and pantyhose lovers.

Agreed.
posted by PlusDistance at 6:35 PM on December 7, 2007


Heh, that's called "Tuesday" around here, boy.
posted by backseatpilot at 6:35 PM on December 7, 2007


well, parmanparman, at least you haven't given anyone any reason to think that metafilter is still a boyzone
posted by pyramid termite at 6:36 PM on December 7, 2007


The real problem here is the editorializing.
posted by Partial Law at 6:36 PM on December 7, 2007


and the link.
posted by Partial Law at 6:36 PM on December 7, 2007


The tags are good though.
posted by Partial Law at 6:36 PM on December 7, 2007


Empath: link?
posted by whoaali at 6:36 PM on December 7, 2007


All of those people look smelly.
posted by hojoki at 6:37 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


"And really, if this is the saddest porn you've ever seen, you've been very sheltered."

What empath said. In spades.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:37 PM on December 7, 2007


whooal: Here
posted by empath at 6:40 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


There's no way posting something like this shouldn't be a bannable offense.
posted by item at 6:40 PM on December 7, 2007


Kinda useless overall, but there's a nice animated .gif of a fellow dining at the Y* of an older woman in dark hose.

*You know, bringing along a sandwich for after the basketball game.
posted by porn in the woods at 6:41 PM on December 7, 2007


Hey, everyone? I'm going to take a deep breath and click the link. If i don't check in after 12 minutes or so could you send a robot in to pull my corpse out? Thanks.
posted by vrakatar at 6:41 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


You hear that? That's right. Its not one hand clapping.
posted by Sailormom at 6:41 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


The tags are good though.

Thanks, I really worked on the tags this time. Not like other moments.
posted by parmanparman at 6:41 PM on December 7, 2007


Poor schmuck has no idea what otherworldly, soul-ravishing mysteries he's missing.

And, err, correction: Possible boyzone. Sorry.

To be a bit more eloquent:

I've dated a few women markedly older than I was. They were formative and informative experiences - and I'm not specifically referring to the (often spectacular) sex. There was certainly something remarkable about the chemistry above and beyond normal personal differences and interpersonal dynamics and intimacy. Intellectually, spiritually and more.

So, whatever, parmanparman. WTF?
posted by loquacious at 6:41 PM on December 7, 2007


WHOA!! look what i found!! - naughty catholic school girls ... hot threesomes! ... polishing the rocket!

it's ... it's ... stick figure porn!!!!!!

nsfw, of course
posted by pyramid termite at 6:43 PM on December 7, 2007


Wow its lasted 25 minutes.
posted by Defenestrator at 6:43 PM on December 7, 2007


Now I'm too scared to click on Empath's link.
posted by whoaali at 6:44 PM on December 7, 2007


BEAVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GET IT ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????

\
\
\ ___
\ \ ('+'`)_------_ ######
>< W -##########
} { ejm 96 /|/----\|\ #######
} { " " " "
posted by KokuRyu at 6:44 PM on December 7, 2007


MS Paint Porn -- also sadder than this link.
posted by empath at 6:45 PM on December 7, 2007 [3 favorites]


Ah, fuck. Anyway, what a lame FPP. Someday you too will be over forty. And feel the need to hump ladies boots in the closet.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:45 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM OMGWTF THAT WASN'T A CHOCOLATE SHAKE!
posted by loquacious at 6:46 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


whoaall: why would a link about sad porn called 2girls.gif be scary to look at. WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY BE. You're dying to know, I know. Just do it.
posted by empath at 6:46 PM on December 7, 2007


Whew. Okay. Not that sad. What empath said, i guess. So, anyone else want a beer?
posted by vrakatar at 6:47 PM on December 7, 2007


For toe curling sex, leave the panty hose on.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:48 PM on December 7, 2007


haha I was so expecting tubgirl or something
posted by whoaali at 6:49 PM on December 7, 2007


Post does not deliver as promised. I am not sad.

Well... not entirely sad.
posted by psmealey at 6:49 PM on December 7, 2007


I clicked on Empath's link. I did. And, is that it? That's what everyone is freaking out over?
posted by Flashman at 6:50 PM on December 7, 2007


Wow.
posted by nola at 6:50 PM on December 7, 2007


And, is that it? That's what everyone is freaking out over?

I'm so not falling for that one again.
posted by enn at 6:51 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


Flashman: well, i mean, the original didn't star cute smilies, it's very real.
posted by empath at 6:53 PM on December 7, 2007


Pornofilter?
posted by PHINC at 6:54 PM on December 7, 2007


Empath's link makes reference to a porn site that should probably not be viewed by anyone ever.
No I will not link it.
posted by brevator at 6:54 PM on December 7, 2007


i don't want to see the pony requests on pornofilter.
posted by empath at 6:54 PM on December 7, 2007


SILENCED ALL MY LIFE
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 6:56 PM on December 7, 2007


/me gives thanks for lack of img tag
posted by DU at 6:56 PM on December 7, 2007


DON'T BLINK!
DON'T BLINK!
DON'T BLINK!
DON'T BLINK!
DON'T BLINK!
DON'T BLINK!

posted by oddman at 6:57 PM on December 7, 2007


I am disappointed by the link.
posted by stinkycheese at 6:57 PM on December 7, 2007


 
            ___.-~"~-._   __....__
.' ` \ ~"~ ``-.
/` _ ) `\ `\
/` a) / | `\
:` / | \
(`-._|` .-. ( / . `;\\
`-. `--'_.'-.;\___/' . . | \
_ /:--` | / / .'# \\
("\ /`/ | ' ' /### :`;
`\'\_/`/ .\ /`~`=-.: / #### ``
`._.' /`\ | `\ /( ####
/ /\ | `Y / \ ###
J / Y | | /`\ \ ####
/ | | | | | | |#####
"---" /___| /___| /__|########
'""" '""" '"""#########
I'Z JUZT CRAPED PANTYZHOZE!
posted by jefbla at 6:57 PM on December 7, 2007 [6 favorites]


"john, john!! hurry up - my children will be coming home any minute!"
posted by pyramid termite at 6:58 PM on December 7, 2007


Anagram of parmanparman is fap fap fap man.
Coincidence? I think not.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:58 PM on December 7, 2007 [4 favorites]


I do not think you know what anagram means.
posted by empath at 7:00 PM on December 7, 2007


There's no way posting something like this shouldn't be a bannable offense.
posted by item at 7:01 PM on December 7, 2007


sure that's when you send a telegram by analogy
posted by pyramid termite at 7:01 PM on December 7, 2007


This is just poor.

And if this leads to another 1000-post MetaTalk thread, I'm going to glower at you. Did you hear me? GLOWER!
posted by veggieboy at 7:01 PM on December 7, 2007


Empath's link makes reference to a porn site

Can we begin to agree, here and now, to stop calling it porn?

I don't know what to call it. Psychic warfare? Mindfucker? Unacceptable?

that should probably not be viewed by anyone ever.

I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and protect what little innocence I had left.

I have no idea how they got that poop wedged in that cup and OH WHAT THE FUCK WHY OH WHY!?
posted by loquacious at 7:02 PM on December 7, 2007


parmanparman for president!
posted by TwelveTwo at 7:03 PM on December 7, 2007


i have to go to bed now - and i'm going to wrap myself up in yards of pantyhose and have sweet dreams all night long in honor of this post
posted by pyramid termite at 7:03 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


I don't think anyone has said "I'd hit it" so far, so I'm not sure what the problem is.
posted by empath at 7:03 PM on December 7, 2007


Liebot, what is the saddest porn?
posted by boo_radley at 7:04 PM on December 7, 2007 [5 favorites]


It's only ten o'clock on the east coast! how is this still here?

THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR HAVING A LIFE, MODS.
posted by kalimac at 7:06 PM on December 7, 2007


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