I Can't Do That Dave, now put your pants back on

February 4, 2008 2:43 AM

In what may be the silliest poll ever taken, British women say Men Named Dave are Most Likely to be "Well Endowed". There's a whole "Top 10" and "Bottom 10" list of names... see how you stack up. The people who did the survey do this kind of thing for companies to get publicity. It works pretty well.

This one was done for an online dating company, UK Dating, but the pollster got most of the publicity. Previously, for the same client, they surveyed for Names of Men Most Likely to Cheat (very UK-centric result). A beverage company commissioned The Most Common Lies and they've done a lot of other mostly useless surveys.

Please note that Matt and Wendell did not appear on either list (but my condolences to Josh, #7 on the "little" list).

posted by wendell (97 comments total)

Ray Smuckles and his representatives are not going to be amused by this.
posted by jtron at 2:56 AM on February 4, 2008 [3 favorites]

These are the Daves who grow, who show
These are the Daves I know
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:56 AM on February 4, 2008 [6 favorites]

Pseudo-polls from The Sun and The Daily Mail? That's what passes off as FPP material these days?
posted by stereo at 2:59 AM on February 4, 2008

Ban this sick filth.
posted by influx at 3:00 AM on February 4, 2008

mathowie ate my hamster!
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:06 AM on February 4, 2008 [4 favorites]

I propose the snark on this post be upgraded to include alternative candidates for "the silliest poll ever taken." I am unfortunately unable to provide any such upgraded snark, myself, due to unfamiliarity with poll-taking techniques and repositories, but I am confident in the Massed Power of MeFi to compensate for my shortcomings.
posted by cgc373 at 3:11 AM on February 4, 2008

Any bets that the guy who owns this site is named 'Dave'?
posted by maryh at 3:12 AM on February 4, 2008

heh heh ... shortcomings
posted by biffa at 3:13 AM on February 4, 2008

MetaFilter is a British weblog. Americans here, whether Canadian or continental, are mere tokens. Perhaps we should all give up the international pretense. The truth is that MetaFilter, for those of us not lucky (or, to be frank, unluckly) enough to live in the U.K. or Scotland, is fast becoming a domestic concern with an ever-decreasing regard for what happens in the (enormous) rest of the world. Whereas (the few remaining) americans here are curious about Europe, Britons here seem boringly and predictably obsessed with themselves. Is isolationism the growing trend on this board? It certainly seems so. Say the word, by the way, and you can have it all to yourselves, no hard feelings.
posted by Smart Dalek at 3:26 AM on February 4, 2008 [7 favorites]

Yes, the polls are crap, but I provide links to the company that does the crap polls, and takes proud credit for The World's Most Beautiful Women and The Ugliest Football* Player and I find that fascinating. YMWillV.

*Soccer for youse Americans; I'm sure some players in the NFL could challenge these guys when they take the helmets off
posted by wendell at 3:31 AM on February 4, 2008

Wendell's a Brit? Does he come from the UK - or Scotland?
posted by Phanx at 3:34 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Odd how the list of "endowed" names also seems to a list of the most common names.
posted by maxwelton at 3:38 AM on February 4, 2008

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
posted by hal9k at 3:43 AM on February 4, 2008 [10 favorites]

Rumors that I am the love child of Margaret Thatcher and Benny Hill are totally unsubstantiated.

And hal9k, read the post title. You indeed HAVE made an error.
posted by wendell at 3:50 AM on February 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

I assumed it would be: 1: Dick; 2: Willie; 3: John Thomas; 4: Hampton.

It's a shock to discover I am more literal-minded and vulgar than the average Sun reader.
posted by Phanx at 3:51 AM on February 4, 2008

Clearly the poll-takers weren't Coupling fans.
posted by Skorgu at 3:52 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

"And they won't say nowt about your personality neither. Which is good 'cause you're basically a bastard. Bollocks to your personality - this is what they're looking at, right? And I'll tell you summat, mate. Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none."
posted by bwg at 3:57 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Strange. I didn't see Hugh Jampton on that list.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:21 AM on February 4, 2008

I find this strange because every bloke I know has what would be classed as a large one, at least according to the official "average". Perhaps we just naturally gravitate towards one another.

dave lokken
posted by longbaugh at 4:24 AM on February 4, 2008

Say the word, by the way, and you can have it all to yourselves, no hard feelings.

OK. See ya.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:36 AM on February 4, 2008

Yeah, well, whatever, all I know is my name is not Nick.
posted by From Bklyn at 4:38 AM on February 4, 2008

its true. i should know.
posted by daveyt at 4:43 AM on February 4, 2008

I'm disappointed the shortest name didn't go to "Justin."
posted by Mr Bismarck at 4:48 AM on February 4, 2008 [4 favorites]

This fails to shed any light on a major conundrum. How is it that despite having a name that suggests his penis is tiny, Richard Littlejohn is in fact an enormous dickhead?
posted by Abiezer at 4:49 AM on February 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

No Peter?
posted by jonmc at 4:55 AM on February 4, 2008

I just want to thank Astro Zombie for making my comment for me so I didn't have to. <3.
posted by cavalier at 4:56 AM on February 4, 2008

Of course the gay names are the best endowed. Gay men invented penises.

From Steel Magnolias:
Clairee Belcher: All gay men have track lightin'. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.

Steve (#3 on the list), Mark (#5), Richard (#9).
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:56 AM on February 4, 2008

Which women have the biggest tits? Is it Rachel? Because she's got some pretty huge fuck puppies.

TTIBWOP
posted by Eideteker at 5:03 AM on February 4, 2008

SCORE!
posted by davidmsc at 5:04 AM on February 4, 2008

Two hours and twenty minutes for somebody to notice the obvious double standard involved here. Congratulations, Eideteker, you get the "NOT SEXIST" immunity idol for this round...
posted by wendell at 5:11 AM on February 4, 2008

This thread is useless without pictures.
posted by veggieboy at 5:12 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Clearly the poll-takers weren't Coupling fans.

Of course. Because no one is.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 5:21 AM on February 4, 2008

I got video, that ok?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:22 AM on February 4, 2008

Men named Jason are most likely to love the title of this post, no matter how silly the links might be.
posted by jason's_planet at 5:31 AM on February 4, 2008

Why exactly is this "silly"???
posted by RavinDave at 5:32 AM on February 4, 2008

Scandalous!
posted by samsara at 5:35 AM on February 4, 2008

Why exactly is this "silly"???
posted by RavinDave

Is just IS ok? It's silly, stupid, and without merit to connect name with ANY physical attribute!

-Puny McSmallerton
posted by The Deej at 5:42 AM on February 4, 2008

meh. those women obviously know nothing.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:42 AM on February 4, 2008

Wendell's a Brit? Does he come from the UK - or Scotland?

No. I think he comes from New England - or Massachusetts.
posted by i_cola at 5:42 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Best FPP ever.
posted by daveleck at 5:45 AM on February 4, 2008

This one was done for an online dating company, UK Dating, but the pollster got most of the publicity. Previously, for the same client, they surveyed for Names of Men Most Likely to Cheat (very UK-centric result).

I'm surprised that a survey for a company called UK dating would have a very UK-centric result. Is there no normality left in the world any more?!?
posted by i_cola at 5:45 AM on February 4, 2008

I just knew Darren Stephens was sleeping around on Samantha!
posted by Bromius at 5:46 AM on February 4, 2008

Did I mention my name's not Nick? 'Cause it' s not. It's also not Dennis or Barry.
posted by From Bklyn at 5:49 AM on February 4, 2008

The joke of it is that Paul means "small".

DOUBLE BLUFF MOTHERFUCKERS.
posted by longbaugh at 6:09 AM on February 4, 2008

No wonder Dave is so Happy.
posted by iconomy at 6:10 AM on February 4, 2008

"It's me, Dave, open up, man, I got the stuff."

"Dave's not here!"

Both my first and middle name are on the big schlong list. Psych!
posted by not_on_display at 6:20 AM on February 4, 2008

The relevant Wikipedia article fails to weigh in on this topic, but does note that "Compared to other primates, even larger primates such as the gorilla, the male human genitalia are remarkably large. The human penis is both longer and thicker than that of any other primate both in absolute terms and in relative size compared with the rest of the body."

What about gorillas named Dave?
posted by flotson at 6:22 AM on February 4, 2008

What if a guy is named Dave Paul? Barry Dennis? or Dave Dennis?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:27 AM on February 4, 2008

This thread is useless without pictures.

Here you go, veggieboy.
posted by Ufez Jones at 6:30 AM on February 4, 2008

No wonder Che Guevara always looks so angry in pictures.

What's that? Ohhhhh, right. I always get those two confused.
posted by Eideteker at 6:31 AM on February 4, 2008

This is brilliant. Surely penis size is biological, yet your name is given to you by your parents. I assume that means nowadays, parents are looking at their little boys love bits, and giving a name accordingly. Excellent. I can't wait for Dave Junior.

Ahem
posted by bobbyone at 6:32 AM on February 4, 2008

A UK cable channel recently changed its name to Dave. Coincidence?
posted by teleskiving at 6:45 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

This is probably true.
posted by probablysteve at 6:46 AM on February 4, 2008

Two hours and twenty minutes for somebody to notice the obvious double standard involved here. Congratulations, Eideteker, you get the "NOT SEXIST" immunity idol for this round...

Ah, I see, so this isn't just a crappy post, it's Making a Point! That's OK then.
posted by creeky at 6:48 AM on February 4, 2008

So that's what this movie is about. I gotta watch it again . . .
posted by The Bellman at 6:52 AM on February 4, 2008

A UK cable channel recently changed its name to Dave.

It shows nothing but Jeremy Clarkson too.
posted by vbfg at 7:04 AM on February 4, 2008

As a Dave, I wholeheartedly endorse this obviously extremely scientific, bulletproof study.
posted by Foosnark at 7:05 AM on February 4, 2008

As a Brit, I execrate this post and thread.
posted by Mocata at 7:12 AM on February 4, 2008

Did anyone else snicker to themself, on some junior high school level as they read the name, that the place doing this survey is called OnePoll?
posted by thewalrusispaul at 7:18 AM on February 4, 2008

This fails to shed any light on a major conundrum. How is it that despite having a name that suggests his penis is tiny, Richard Littlejohn is in fact an enormous dickhead?

And while we're at it, how'd Little Richard wind up as some kind of sex symbol, huh?
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:22 AM on February 4, 2008

LOLSEXAMIRITE?

...sorry I had to do that, but c'mon.
posted by aramaic at 7:22 AM on February 4, 2008

As a "Mike", I find this study inaccurate based on the sample size being too small...
posted by mikeo2 at 7:37 AM on February 4, 2008

It is a measure of the self-loathing of Americans that even now, when the notion is so clearly given the lie, when we've been so blatantly surpassed in this arena, we still regard ourselves as having the lowest standards of journalistic integrity on earth.
posted by koeselitz at 7:38 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

I can't think of any well-hung porn legends named 'Dave,' but there's a few legends with [cough] a certain name...I'm just saying.
posted by jonmc at 7:39 AM on February 4, 2008

Oh great. Even more high expectations for me to fail to live up to.
posted by nowonmai at 7:44 AM on February 4, 2008

As another Dave, I have to endorse this study! It has been shown by American exit polsters that asking people what they think is an ironclad way to determine facts in the world.
posted by dwivian at 7:45 AM on February 4, 2008

Phanx: Wendell's a Brit? Does he come from the UK - or Scotland?

i_cola: No. I think he comes from New England - or Massachusetts.

One can't blame us USians for forgetting that the U in UK isn't just rhetorical.
posted by koeselitz at 7:46 AM on February 4, 2008

We must thank Rupert Murdoch and his transnational adventures, koeselitz. He has universalised a brand of particularly mean-spirited and cynical agenda-driven lowest common denominator infotainment the whole English-speaking world can share in.
posted by Abiezer at 7:48 AM on February 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

dwivian: It has been shown by American exit polsters that asking people what they think is an ironclad way to determine facts in the world.

Oh sure, exit polls have been time-tested and proven by experience. But I don't know about entrance polls like this one.
posted by koeselitz at 7:49 AM on February 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

I would have expected the top 10 to be, like, Tyrone and Jamal, and the bottom 10 to be, I dunno, Chang and Eng.

... or some shit.
posted by dgaicun at 7:55 AM on February 4, 2008

bottom 10 to be, I dunno, Chang and Eng.

Well, Siamese twins have to share a johnson, so it's natural they'd be on the stubby side.
posted by jonmc at 8:02 AM on February 4, 2008

i for one can attest, based on last night's WILD RIDE:

jeremy's do NOT belong on the "shortest" list.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
posted by CitizenD at 8:15 AM on February 4, 2008

funny, the smallest penis I've ever seen belonged to a dave...
posted by sunshinesky at 8:32 AM on February 4, 2008

Everybody Pities Raymond.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:44 AM on February 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

No wonder Letterman always has that wry smirk on his face.
posted by aftermarketradio at 9:16 AM on February 4, 2008

It's also not a surprise that men named Ray, Brian, Nigel, Frank, Keith, Jeremy, Josh, Barry, Dennis, or Nick are more likely to drive Corvettes or Hummer H2s.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:29 AM on February 4, 2008

Word on the street has it that the most intense penises belong to men named Thomas. Whether that's a good or bad quality for a penis to have, I don't know.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:48 AM on February 4, 2008

The vital question is, do 30 Helens agree?
posted by zennie at 9:54 AM on February 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

A UK cable channel recently changed its name to Dave. Coincidence?

Maybe somebody remembered the beginning of a David Lee Roth video..."Daaaaave TV!"
posted by pax digita at 10:08 AM on February 4, 2008

Well at least I made the top 10. Barely.

Whew!
posted by Danf at 10:29 AM on February 4, 2008

Penis.
posted by LordSludge at 10:59 AM on February 4, 2008

Dave.
posted by dgaicun at 11:14 AM on February 4, 2008

Doctor told me not to lift anything heavy, so I gotta sit down to pee.

I'm so well-endowed ... I got a FIVEskin.
posted by RavinDave at 11:18 AM on February 4, 2008

By the way, I notice their top 10 cheater names list shares 6 out of 10 names with the biggest penis list (Dave, Steve, Mark, Rob[ert], Andy, Richard), but zero of the names with the small penis list.

COINCIDENCE?
posted by dgaicun at 11:25 AM on February 4, 2008

Wait, it's even worse, when we include their top 20 cheaters, we get 9 out of 10 names from the stallion list, but still zero from the baby corn list.

I guess all that spam was right, big schlongs lead to more options.
posted by dgaicun at 11:31 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

... or worse morals. Either way.

Hah, Chang and Eng, geddit?
posted by dgaicun at 11:36 AM on February 4, 2008

I love a Dave, and now everybody knows why.
posted by thinkpiece at 12:34 PM on February 4, 2008

You folks can just call me by my last name from now on. Thanks.

Unless, of course, you don't understand.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 12:52 PM on February 4, 2008

I feel my best course of action here is simply to make sure my real-name-based pseudonym shows up in this thread, and let the speculation go from there.
posted by davejay at 12:58 PM on February 4, 2008

What traits do well endowed men inherit to their female children?
posted by Dr. Curare at 1:14 PM on February 4, 2008

Dave? I am, and I do!
posted by prototype_octavius at 1:15 PM on February 4, 2008

Well, shit. I'm on the short list.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 1:19 PM on February 4, 2008

"What traits do well endowed men inherit to their female children?"

Incestual time travel.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:44 PM on February 4, 2008

These are the Daves I know, I know ...
posted by bwg at 4:31 PM on February 4, 2008

My buddy’s cat is named Dave.

Huh. Always wondered why he couldn’t clear the couch.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:41 PM on February 4, 2008

Hello Dave. Is that Dave?
posted by Dr.Pill at 4:45 PM on February 4, 2008

I'm on the short list. I'd be outraged, except I know I have a giant cock. A nice surprise for anyone who takes this list seriously... and then goes down on me.
posted by crossoverman at 7:53 PM on February 4, 2008