Jesus Christ, Ebay!
February 21, 2008 12:30 PM   Subscribe

The International Crusade For Holy Relics has been fighting (pdf) to have things like the nails used to attach J.C. to the cross removed from Ebay.
posted by gman (42 comments total)
Wow, Jesus was nailed to the cross with railroad spikes?

Maybe the world IS only 4,000 years old.
posted by fusinski at 12:35 PM on February 21, 2008 [3 favorites]

I guess they don't care that none of those things are authentic.
posted by electroboy at 12:37 PM on February 21, 2008

can anyone properly translate the Q&A at the bottom of the auction?
posted by gman at 12:38 PM on February 21, 2008

In other news: Virgin Mary Pretzel
posted by fusinski at 12:38 PM on February 21, 2008

"Moreover, many of the relics being sold are of dubious origin, and some have been shown to be outright frauds."
But not all, so there's a chance that this foreskin I bought is the real deal!
posted by Floydd at 12:41 PM on February 21, 2008

posted by joseph_elmhurst at 12:46 PM on February 21, 2008 [4 favorites]

These guys sound like a boring - and much less badass - version of those dudes in Indiana Jones part 3.
posted by i less than three nsima at 12:49 PM on February 21, 2008

So... does this mean that I can no longer cling to the old rugged cross, and exchange it some day for a crown? Or maybe we could speed up the process a bit? This thing is frickin' heavy.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:51 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

"Our saints should be enjoying their eternal reward in peace, not having their body parts sold like cheap trinkets,"

So when someone buys a relic of St. Erasmus, ol' Razzie's all like "damn, I wish I could get some rest, but some asshole just sold my spleen again"? Is that even canon?
posted by gurple at 12:54 PM on February 21, 2008 [3 favorites]

Ah, that's not the real quonsar, that's an ersatz quonsar that somebody's daffy aunt brought back from her trip to Jerusalem.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 12:56 PM on February 21, 2008

Wait, so they're saying this set of fingerbones of John the Baptist I bought from the wise man living in the bushes behind KFC might not be real?!?!?

Damned unbelievers!
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 1:00 PM on February 21, 2008

Wait, look at the end of those nails! They bent them! So you couldn't pull them out easily! Those Roman bastards!
posted by lumpenprole at 1:03 PM on February 21, 2008

My French is a little rusty (heh), but the Q&A at the bottom of the eBay sale asks about the source/authenticity (verified by a sales expert!), and whether a DNA test has been done (no).

Seriously, someone thinks this might be real?
posted by GhostintheMachine at 1:06 PM on February 21, 2008

Go figger...the very nails used to crucify the Lord, found holding planks on the Atlantic City Boardwalk.
posted by VicNebulous at 1:08 PM on February 21, 2008

I have a vial of Jesus' DNA for sale, but not on Ebay. The folks over at the Merovingian Dynasty might trace them to me.
posted by sfts2 at 1:11 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

(verified by a sales expert!),

Q: What are they?
A: Jesus Christ, they're nails!
posted by eriko at 1:11 PM on February 21, 2008

They're as real as Jesus' divinity.
posted by Falconetti at 1:12 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Too rich for my blood. I'll have to settle for some commemorative Saddam Hussein hangman's noose pins instead.
posted by brain_drain at 1:13 PM on February 21, 2008

Don't these fools realize that Hellboy needs all those relics to battle ancient demonic horrors?
posted by Scoo at 1:17 PM on February 21, 2008

I love the fact they want to boycott eBay--but they take membership payments via PayPal!
posted by rdone at 1:23 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

I love the fact that quonsar chose a thread about relics to return.

or maybe this is just where I noticed he was back, but that's not as funny
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:33 PM on February 21, 2008 [3 favorites]

How do these folks feel about all those cracker companies selling actual slices of Jesus' body?
posted by bondcliff at 1:38 PM on February 21, 2008 [2 favorites]

They'd be happier if black folks were selling them.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:40 PM on February 21, 2008

posted by Sys Rq at 1:45 PM on February 21, 2008

Meh, none of this stuff impresses me, but then, I've had Jesus living in my basement for the last year or so.

He was a complete wreck there for a while, what with the coming back from the dead after two thousand years and all. Cars really freaked him out, as did TV. He loves it now though, in fact, I can't get him to stop watching Judge Judy.

I keep trying to get him to come out and start the Rapture, or do whatever the hell it is he came back for, but he just demands more water (I'm pretty sure he's turning it into wine, and then not sharing it... the bastard) and Ho Hos. And let me be really clear on this, the Christ loves his Ho Hos.

So anyway, if you want religious artifacts, lemme know. I've got tons of the stuff. You want Jesus' robes? I've got 'em. I mean, they are really just some bed sheets that he found, but he wore them for like a week. I've got hair, fingernail clippings, his empty wrappers, you name it, I can probably get it for you.

I know that selling this stuff may seem a bit tasteless, but I have to admit, he's not the best house guest. I mean, I know he is still learning our modern ways and all, but I really wish he'd stop shitting in the garden and burying it. I mean, he's the son of god, you'd think he could figure out a toilet.

So yeah, Jesus' flip-flops: $25 on Ebay. Walked on water twice (once across the pool to get a beer, and once back.)
posted by quin at 1:53 PM on February 21, 2008 [11 favorites]


posted by cashman at 1:58 PM on February 21, 2008

posted by shmegegge at 2:07 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Can you put me up for the night?
posted by HVAC Guerilla at 2:34 PM on February 21, 2008

Shush, everyone! Just observe quonsar quietly. If you act too excited you'll probably scare him off. Just sit and watch, and enjoy the moment.

If he sees his shadow though, he might stay. Anyone behind him got a flashlight?
posted by caution live frogs at 2:38 PM on February 21, 2008 [2 favorites]

This reminds me of a short story I wrote (titled The Self-Fulfilled Prophecy) about mad scientists getting their hands on the Shroud of Turin, pulling some of Jesus' DNA and cloning him. Of course, by having the son of god return, they brought about the reckoning and the end of the world as we know it. I still think this could make a decent movie.
posted by Crash at 2:44 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

So wait, my Genuine Socrates Hemlock Mug might not be the real deal?
posted by everichon at 3:03 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Put some hemlock in it, and see if it works!

posted by Quonab at 3:17 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Christ, what an auction.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:27 PM on February 21, 2008

what the hell kind of nick is "Quonab"?
posted by quonsar at 3:36 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

There are a lot of relics of the True Cross in Europe; I think I saw about four of them at various churches and museums. Funnily enough, they were all different types of wood, which leads me to conclude that Jesus must have been nailed up on butcher block
posted by Paragon at 4:14 PM on February 21, 2008

I saw some pretty amazing relics over the weekend. I was at St. John's Abbey in Minnesota for a conference. I specifically wanted to see the St. John's Bible but the library was on lockdown and though I convinced a really friendly monk to unlock the reliquary so I could visit the body of St. Peregrine the St. John's bible was apparently totally off limits.

They had buckets of relics - it was pretty incredible. I'm a protestant, so the whole notion of the preservation of relics takes on a different meaning for me.
Ha! The preservation of the saints! Calvinist joke!
Anyway, the story of little St. Peregrine is heartbreaking so I wanted to visit his resting place. He was lying in there, little arms crossed, rosary in his hand. I felt moved to pray and imagined how shitty it all must have seemed to him at the time.

Relics in general are pretty amazing. I recall learning about how early Catholics believed the spirit was infused in the bones and, therefor, would get underneath the reliquary and pray through it, so that the powerful spirit in the bones of the saints would carry their prayers up and through the veil to God in heaven. Kind of like a prayer-portal into the celestial kingdom. Which is pretty cool, if you think about it. Entire chancels in Medieval churches will built from the bones of dead monks to enhance their spiritual power. Please take all of this with a grain of salt, though, IANARC.

Anyway, it was wonderful, the abbey church was modern and absolutely stunning and the Benedictine monks were very, very hospitable.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 4:18 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

That's just irresponsible. They should be saving those nails for the next troublemaker.
posted by pompomtom at 4:41 PM on February 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

I remember reading the ads in the back of Penthouse magazine in the 1970's. Long before effective drug treatments for erectile dysfunction, there were plenty of bogus tablets and capsules for sale. Being that genuine Spanish Fly is dangerously toxic, the "Spanish Fly" products sold were often "cleverly" disguised with words like "ersatz", "simulacrum", and of course "placebo". Evidently men still bought this junk, as the ads continued to appear.

I wonder if you could do the same for relics, so as to avoid prosecution for misleading advertising? Genuine ersatz burial shroud, Mary's milk simulacrum, and Jesus' placebo tears...
posted by Tube at 5:45 PM on February 21, 2008

"what the hell kind of nick is 'Quonab'?"

Isn't that a town in central Utah?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:52 PM on February 21, 2008

Wow, Jesus was nailed to the cross with railroad spikes?

oh, jesus just left chicago
and he's bound for new orleans
posted by pyramid termite at 8:51 PM on February 21, 2008

Bonjour, j'ai les stigmates du Christ sur les pieds et les mains. Pour 2 tickets resto, je peux authentifier vos clous en regardant s'il ren

(Roughly) Translated: Hello! I have stigmata on my feet and hands. For 2 resto (??) tickets, I can authenticate your nails for you, by verifying if the nails will fit in the holes....

This guys got to be a member here somewhere.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 6:53 PM on February 23, 2008

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