This is an Andy Rooney post. That would be an Andy Rooney post worth celebrating.
June 2, 2008 9:27 PM   Subscribe

The Andy Rooney Game. Here’s how you play: take out everything but the first sentence and the last sentence from Andy Rooney’s latest segment on 60 Minutes. Then you put that on youtube. That’s it! Check it out:
posted by hellbient (62 comments total) 50 users marked this as a favorite
posted by dobbs at 9:31 PM on June 2, 2008

This might be the funniest thing on the internet. Gold.
posted by tristeza at 9:31 PM on June 2, 2008

Woah, andy rooney had the same laptop I did A Sony Vaio SR33. (that's the viao in front in that picture).
posted by delmoi at 9:35 PM on June 2, 2008

Well it certainly saves time.
posted by mazola at 9:36 PM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

This is the best dada since dialog-less Garfield.
posted by jayCampbell at 9:36 PM on June 2, 2008

The edits catch me by surprise, and that's half the fun!

Oh and hey does it look to anyone else like that one guy from 60 minutes, uh, "Morely Safer," kind of looks like his head was blown up larger than it actually is and has been pasted onto a smaller body? Like Mike Myers in the trailer for "The Love Guru" when he's a kid, or in NBA Jams?
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 9:37 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Rooney: Y'know, I've always wanted to be on Youtube.
Rooney: So now I don't want to be on Youtube.
posted by netbros at 9:43 PM on June 2, 2008

Man, something in my brain was made for this. I'm a found footage freak and a while ago I was mooning over the interchageability of his performances. This lampoons them perfectly.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:44 PM on June 2, 2008

There needs to be more of these, but I lack the energy to create them. And by more, I mean, say, in the 50-100 range. Possibly 100-1000, if someone could see fit.
posted by redsparkler at 9:45 PM on June 2, 2008

Hilarious. They almost have the same pacing and rhythm as a Deep Thought from Jack Handey.
posted by peep at 9:46 PM on June 2, 2008

There is really no accounting for tastes because I found these to be as uniformly devoid of humor as the orginal monologues.
posted by nanojath at 9:50 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

New Talent on 60 Minutes
posted by Rhaomi at 9:53 PM on June 2, 2008 [5 favorites]

I am crying with laughter here. Holy goddam shit.

My wife is not really impressed, however.
posted by cortex at 9:56 PM on June 2, 2008

Also, Rooney in 60 seconds from the same guy, Joe Mande.
posted by hellbient at 9:57 PM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

my grandmother is rolling over in her grave.

me, i'm laughing my ass off. thanks, hellbient!
posted by CitizenD at 10:12 PM on June 2, 2008

One of the most brilliant things I've seen in a while. I grew up watching Andy; this was hilarious.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 10:19 PM on June 2, 2008

I expected this to be stupid but I totally laughed out loud. Completely awesome.
posted by GuyZero at 10:25 PM on June 2, 2008

I think this is brilliant. And maybe one of these days they'll tell us why they put those balls of cotton into bottles of aspirin.
posted by dhammond at 10:26 PM on June 2, 2008

Oh my. This is good.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:31 PM on June 2, 2008

Yeah, I don't know why it works but it totally does.
posted by lysistrata at 10:46 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

or in NBA Jams?

NBA Jam. No "s".
posted by puke & cry at 10:50 PM on June 2, 2008

Who knew Andy Rooney was a brilliant philosopher? And here I thought he was just an old windbag! I stand corrected, sir! It's been hiding amongst 10 minutes of babbling each week, and it took only 103 years of his being on the air for it to be discovered.
posted by Miastar at 10:54 PM on June 2, 2008

I watched the videos and couldn't figure out what was so funny -- they're exactly like his normal rants. Then I realized, wait. All this time, I've been blacking out during his actual appearances. God, what kind of hell must you people go through when you listen to a full minute of Rooney?
posted by verb at 11:00 PM on June 2, 2008

Happy Birthday, Mike!
posted by agentofselection at 11:06 PM on June 2, 2008

How do I unlock Morley Safer in NBA Jam!? He's ... on ... FIRE!

Happy birthday, Mike.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:08 PM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

peep: Hilarious. They almost have the same pacing and rhythm as a Deep Thought from Jack Handey.

Just so you know, Jack Handey's releasing new ones. Until Handey visited The Sound of Young America to promote his new book, I'd thought he was fictional, which he said is a common problem.
posted by Pronoiac at 11:45 PM on June 2, 2008

And the best $6 you'll spend...
posted by milnak at 12:12 AM on June 3, 2008

How is it he looked like a curmudgeonly old fart back when I last watched him in the 80s, and he's still here? That might be some kind of punishment from God for being so lame... he gets to be Andy Rooney for eternity.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:26 AM on June 3, 2008

I did not think Andy Rooney could bearable but that was just enough.
posted by From Bklyn at 12:27 AM on June 3, 2008

posted by mrnutty at 12:43 AM on June 3, 2008

"So keep the stuff coming."


HAAAA Ha hah ha splaaa-hahaha.

Heh. Hah.

"Probably not"

posted by nthdegx at 1:06 AM on June 3, 2008

"And I wish the telephone had a different sound when it was someone you didn't want to talk to."

*smacks forehead*
posted by eyeballkid at 1:31 AM on June 3, 2008

This is somehow more amusing than it ought to be.
posted by juv3nal at 1:36 AM on June 3, 2008

that is hilarious, even though I occasionally like rooney's dilations.

it pales however in comparison to what they did to that other famous andy of his generation.
posted by krautland at 3:59 AM on June 3, 2008

I've never actually watched 60 Minutes before. Do they call it that because you have to be at least 60 to be on the show?

Though Leslie Stall/Stahl was kinda bangin'...
posted by Eideteker at 4:45 AM on June 3, 2008

I just had a flash (thanks in part to the Ali G clip) of what it would look like if they tried to modernize 60 Minutes for a "hipper" audience.

MS. Yo, this Morely Safer. 'Sup, America? Right, Right. Check it, while you chilling in your criznibs, here's what's going down in the world around. You heard? Ed-Rock, break these mugs off something funky.

EB. Thanks, Mo'. Holla atcha boy. *turns to camera* America, some serious shit going down in hoods all over this place, maybe even in your area code. I went deep cover to catch the 411 on this [blah blah blah]..."

Of course, as I heard it in my head, they were speaking in their normal, unaccented/unaffected voices (pronouncing g's and r's, as it were), as if reading this shiznit off a teleprompter. It's funny because the granny is rapping, dammit.
posted by Eideteker at 5:17 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm not even sure why it's funny, but those are hysterical.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 6:09 AM on June 3, 2008

Put me down as "I don't see how this is especially funny." It's still lame ass Andy Rooney Reader's Digest joke page humor.
posted by autodidact at 6:29 AM on June 3, 2008

So, basically, Andy Rooney was the first video blogger.

I wish I found these more funny. It's Tuesday. I need some funny.
posted by papercake at 6:31 AM on June 3, 2008

Its almost as if Andy Rooney was a good enough writer to have figured out that some of his bits would end up like that if put togeter that way. Who'd have thought?
posted by Pollomacho at 6:35 AM on June 3, 2008

Andy Rooney will seat you now. (from McSweeney's)

"We'd like a table for two, by the window if possible.

I don't much care for windows. It seems everything is made of glass nowadays. Mirrors are made of glass, and so are bottles. You'll find glass in everything from skyscrapers to goldfish bowls."
posted by The White Hat at 7:22 AM on June 3, 2008 [3 favorites]

Ah, Andy Rooney. You racist, anti-gay lovable curmudgeon.
posted by Nelson at 8:59 AM on June 3, 2008

I don't trust soups, on the whole, no more than I trust stew!
[fast forward to the first host segment, a few minutes in]
posted by vorfeed at 9:09 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Who is Mike?
posted by WaterSprite at 9:41 AM on June 3, 2008

Back in high school we used to get the Andy Rooney books out of the library and read them everyday.

My favorite was his rant on cashiers at the store asking if he needed anything else. Of course Andy had all he needed. If he had needed anything else, he would have gotten it and put it on the damn conveyor belt.
posted by kylefreund at 10:13 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Hey, he just added another one.
posted by hellbient at 10:20 AM on June 3, 2008

Andy Rooney on the Ali G show was pretty freakin funny as well.
posted by inigo2 at 10:25 AM on June 3, 2008

And of course, dammit, I had to post one of the links twice. I left out this one.
posted by hellbient at 10:29 AM on June 3, 2008

This reminds me of Garfield without Garfield for some inexplicable reason.
posted by Shepherd at 11:35 AM on June 3, 2008

Tomorrow is Memorial Day, the day we have set aside to honor by remembering all the Americans who have died fighting for the thing we like the most about our America: the freedom we have to live as we please.

...No one would know from Memorial Day that Richie M., who was shot through the forehead coming onto Omaha Beach on June 6, 1944, wore different color socks on each foot because he thought it brought him good luck.

No one would remember on Memorial Day that Eddie G. had promised to marry Julie W. the day after he got home from the war, but didn’t marry Julie because he never came home from the war. Eddie was shot dead on an un-American desert island, Iwo Jima...

We use the phrase “gave their lives,” but they didn’t give their lives. Their lives were taken from them.

There is more bravery at war than in peace, and it seems wrong that we have so often saved this virtue to use for our least noble activity - war. The goal of war is to cause death to other people.

Because I was in the Army during World War II, I have more to remember on Memorial Day than most of you. I had good friends who were killed.

Charley Wood wrote poetry in high school. He was killed when his Piper Cub was shot down while he was flying as a spotter for the artillery.

Bob O’Connor went down in flames in his B-17.

Obie Slingerland and I were best friends and co-captains of our high school football team. Obie was killed on the deck of the Saratoga when a bomb that hadn’t dropped exploded as he landed.

I won’t think of them anymore tomorrow, Memorial Day, than I think of them any other day of my life.

Remembering doesn’t do the remembered any good, of course. It’s for ourselves, the living. I wish we could dedicate Memorial Day, not to the memory of those who have died at war, but to the idea of saving the lives of the young people who are going to die in the future if we don’t find some new way - some new religion maybe - that takes war out of our lives.

That would be a Memorial Day worth celebrating.
Andy Rooney, May 29, 2005

They re-ran that segment two weekends ago. That one doesn't boil down so easily into two lines.

So, the guy's 82 and he's old. But when he was young, he was on Omaha Beach on D-Day, fifty odd years ago looking at carnage, looking into the eyes of a soldier walking by in shock, holding the arm that had just been blown off him in the arm that had not, looking at horrors we can not imagine. He may be a joke but, for his work as a war correspondent alone, he is going to on CBS as long as he wants. And when he talks about the war, I can see why.

And, on a side note, isn't he, in terms of on-air time, like the most prominent celebrity atheist still ?
posted by y2karl at 11:35 AM on June 3, 2008 [10 favorites]

I think I know part of why it's funny when it shouldn't be. The intros are left in and they're often longer than the rants, which seems like way to much dignity for what turns out to be a rant of the non-sequiter type. Partially the rhythm, partially the rambling.
posted by Brainy at 11:40 AM on June 3, 2008

They re-ran that segment two weekends ago.

I was flipping channels and came on 60 Minutes just when Morley Safer was making the intro and found myself thinking Jeez, Morley Safer has a head to body ratio not usually seen in humans past the in utero state of development.
posted by y2karl at 11:49 AM on June 3, 2008

Whatever happened to Norm MacDonald, anyway?

There are over four billion people in the world. That's a lot of people. And I suppose most people like each other all right. But I don't. I don't like people and I never have. I guess that makes me bad.

Advertisers are always using people to help sell their products. [holds a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes cereal] Here's something called corn flakes. It's got a picture of some people on the box. I guess we're supposed to think, "Well, these people like corn flakes. I guess I will, too." [sets box aside] But I don't think that. I don't like people. And I don't like pictures of people either.

posted by evilcolonel at 11:55 AM on June 3, 2008

Joe Mande's a pretty excellent stand-up comic. His joke about Amherst blankets slays me.
posted by saladin at 12:34 PM on June 3, 2008

Hm... regrettably, I expected hilarity and got mild amusement. Great idea, though.
posted by Robson at 3:12 PM on June 3, 2008

This reminds me of the recent edits going around YouTube of CSI Miami and every time Caruso takes off his glasses or puts them on. I don't know why. It just does. Aren't both shows on CBS?

Those of you who are dissing Andy Rooney in this thread, you do realize that what he's been getting paid to do for the past fifty years on 60 Minutes, is essentially the same thing that we all been doing in MetaFilter for free?
posted by ZachsMind at 4:40 PM on June 3, 2008

Remember when 60 Minutes used to take down corrupt corporate fat cats and dirty politicians?

Yeah. Me neither.
posted by tkchrist at 5:47 PM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

y2karl wins. In fact, he doesn't just win, what he does is something more than that. He wins, squared. He super-wins.

(I've always kind of liked Andy Rooney. Maybe fashion in writing has passed him by, but so what. If I could get paid good money to curmudgeon on prime-time network television every week, I'd jump at it like a shot.)
posted by JHarris at 6:43 PM on June 3, 2008

This is Mike.
posted by Dreama at 7:24 PM on June 3, 2008

The McLaughlin Group in 2 Minutes was like taking any given year of auto racing and cutting out everything but the crashes.
posted by ZachsMind at 12:51 AM on June 4, 2008

MetaFilter: It's mostly junk that I don't want, so keep the stuff coming.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 10:38 AM on June 4, 2008

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