Hitmanforhire.com
July 23, 2008 12:38 PM   Subscribe

We all nurse private ambitions. Essam Ahmed Eid, a 53-year-old Egyptian man living in Vegas and dealing poker at the Bellagio, dreamed of becoming a hit man. He longed to take off the casino clown suit, the Nehru shirt and simpering smile — and replace them with a gun and a grimace. So Eid did what any enterprising 21st century contract killer would: He created a Web site — www.hitmanforhire.net — and waited for the clients to come.
posted by PeterMcDermott (30 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
 
He looks more like a fresh-scrubbed coed on his website than a 53 year old man.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:44 PM on July 23, 2008




This is so awesome!
posted by ChickenringNYC at 12:53 PM on July 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


There was a criminal record section in the employment application form.

"Hey Essam, this guy was convicted for attempted murder..."

"Nah...we want closers!"
posted by jimmythefish at 12:56 PM on July 23, 2008 [5 favorites]


From the website cache (thanks Burhanistan) it looks like the hits would take place in Liberty City, where life is notoriously cheap.
posted by imperium at 12:58 PM on July 23, 2008


Another small business entrepreneur being driven out of business by the government.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 12:59 PM on July 23, 2008 [2 favorites]


I see a Coen Bros. movie in this.
posted by Danf at 12:59 PM on July 23, 2008 [6 favorites]


It's like some sordid allegory of the whole dot-com cycle back at the end of the last decade.

Though give it a year or two and Stewart Butterfield will solve the big problems and announce hiredkillr.com and that'll be that.
posted by cortex at 1:02 PM on July 23, 2008 [3 favorites]


That is hilarious; and thanks, Burhanistan, for finding the website.
posted by TedW at 1:04 PM on July 23, 2008


You aren't the first, Danf.
posted by yhbc at 1:06 PM on July 23, 2008


oh, boy. the website even had an application form for would-be assassins, with a "criminal record" section.....
posted by not sure this is a good idea at 1:32 PM on July 23, 2008


"After drinking, Eid and his two wives would have group sex"

Man, he was really living the dream
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:40 PM on July 23, 2008 [3 favorites]


I had the strange privilege of spending some time with a former pro a little while back. I guess he had some stuff he wanted to see in print so he put out word that he was looking for a writer. A guy I know who knows guys like him contacted me. Any writer would be crazy to pass up that kind of opportunity, so I figured I would at least go hang out with the guy and see if we couldn't work out some agreement where I would get to write about him and he wouldn't have me killed for anything I wrote. The guy was the real deal, I looked him up in before meeting him and there were all kinds of fed documents spanning decades from his various prosecutions online.

Dude was such a raging sociopath it was hard to get comfortable around him. He would go through these elaborate denials about his previous line of work but somewhere along the way would veer into a story about an old enemy and next thing you know he's got his nose against mine, grasping my forearm hard enough to leave fingerprints and screaming his head off about some sick shit he did thirty years ago. It was intense, I definitely did NOT feel safe having him up in my personal space.

Nonetheless, I went back to visit him a couple more times -- he's under house arrest for the remainder of his current parole, which is substantial -- but his psychotic profile combined with the cabin fever he's suffering made it entirely too toxic an environment. I felt sick to my stomach for hours after leaving his house.

I tried to write a story about him for the paper but he continually flipped out about what I intended to write, wanted to micromanage the whole venture, wanted to have everything reviewed by his mobbed up lawyer, who called me repeatedly afterwards to threaten me with legal action if I published anything with his client's name on it that wasn't rigorously reviewed first. So I said fuck it and gave up on it. I haven't called him in a while though I keep thinking I might check in on him, it's almost too rare an opportunity to walk away from.

He really liked me, too; I guess my biker uncle did a big chunk of time in the same state prison facility he spent a couple decades in and after I told him that we really bonded. Having done hard time or having a family member who did meant a lot to him in terms of making personal connections. I guess he thought I was his new little buddy, who really understood where he was coming from, which was just way too fucking creepy for me to handle.
posted by The Straightener at 1:56 PM on July 23, 2008 [23 favorites]


"Assassinations are the most practical solutions to common problems."[citation needed]
posted by MikeKD at 2:01 PM on July 23, 2008 [4 favorites]


You missed the boat, actually. Somebody already got to Barris; he even got Sam Rockwell to play him in the movie.
posted by cortex at 2:01 PM on July 23, 2008


I like how the squatted, linkfarmed domain is full of PSP crap. I guess if you need someone taken out, go to E3 and ask questions.
posted by tinkertown at 2:09 PM on July 23, 2008


So he was less an unskilled hitman and more a incompetent con-man?

"Hey, someone paid me to kill you. But if you pay me more, I'll let you live. Now that I've informed you of my intent to extort money from you, let's meet in this prearranged location. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan because I'm a criminal genius."

Besides, only sickos kill for money. Real men do it just for the love of the sport.
posted by quin at 2:44 PM on July 23, 2008


This is absolutely the best of the web for today. Fabulous.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 2:45 PM on July 23, 2008


"Would-be vegan hitman" would be better.
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:11 PM on July 23, 2008


I see a Coen Bros. movie in this.

My girlfriend cut off her toe! She thought we would get a million dollars!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:13 PM on July 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


the website even had an application form for would-be assassins, with a "criminal record" section.....

Just like in Blazing Saddles.
posted by grounded at 3:29 PM on July 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


A Coen Bros. movie? I think it would be too far fetched. It's been all over the news here for the past few weeks. We were talking about it as if it was a movie - it is so crazy it would only ever get away with TV movie of the week: "Not without my hitman"
posted by Elmore at 3:54 PM on July 23, 2008


Classic example of overthinking a simple problem.

The first part of his plan was pretty good. The article was unclear if he actually got the $17,000 "down payment" from his first client, but he did get the $23,000 from the irish client. Walk away after the down payment, and you have a pretty good scam going. The odds of someone going to the cops because a hitman tricked them out of some money seems pretty slim.
posted by billyfleetwood at 5:15 PM on July 23, 2008


Walk away after the down payment,

This is a plan that cannot fail.
posted by Hicksu at 6:05 PM on July 23, 2008


More here, with a focus on hitmanforhire's Irish client, "lying eyes". Her pretend husband (and intended victim) stood by her, even kissing her in front of the jury during her trial. I can't believe I'm not making this up.
posted by tiny crocodile at 1:38 AM on July 24, 2008


Bizarre.

I content that people aren't actually getting more stupid, but the Internet sure makes pre-existing stupidity a lot more noticable.
posted by valkyryn at 7:53 AM on July 24, 2008


The first google ad for this story when logged out is: "Hitman Contracts."

I guess everybody advertises through Google these days.

Also, the Irish woman, "Lying Eyes," is just about as crazy as Eid:
Writing from a computer in Howard’s business office, Lying Eyes told Tony Luciano how much she disliked Howard, and how, although she felt bad about it, she had to have him — and his two sons — killed to protect herself. The problem for Lying Eyes was that she wasn’t entitled to Howard’s money. The real estate developer wanted to leave his fortune to his sons, and would not marry Collins. Sure, the couple had promised themselves to each other, had thrown a party and even served wedding cake, but they never officially tied the knot.

So Collins, desperate to marry Howard, figured out a way to get what she wanted, at least kind of: She visited the Web site proxymarriage.com and paid $1,000 for a Mexican marriage certificate that required neither partner to be present. Now his wife on paper, Collins might be entitled to Howard’s millions.
I bet that marriage certificate would hold up in court.
posted by Kattullus at 9:54 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Hint: if someone goes by "Lying Eyes?" DON'T TRUST THEM ON A BUSINESS ANYTHING.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:41 PM on July 24, 2008


Hint: if someone goes by "Lying Eyes?"

They probably aren't the best pick for a long term relationship either.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:23 PM on July 24, 2008


Dude. I just received this e-mail.... Looks like this is going to be the new Viagra!

WHY DID YOUR BROTHER WANT U TO DIE

I AM DAVID WISDOM A KILLER FROM INDIAN I HAVE BEEN WORKING AS A KILLER FOR SO MANY YEARS AND I MAKE SURE THAT I DO ANY JOB THAT I WAS ASKED TO DO SUCCESSFULLY WITH OUT HAVING ANY PROBLEM UP TO THIS TIME.

MEANWHILE,MY MAIN AIM OF WRITING TO YOU IS BECAUSE I WAS GIVING A JOB FROM A RELATIVE OF YOURS TO KILL U IN SPIRITUAL with gun , SO YOUR RELATIVE PROVIDED TO ME YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS AND ALSO DISCLOSED TO ME YOUR WAY ABOUT SO THAT I WILL FINE YOU AT ANY TIME AND KILL U WENT TO TAKE PLACE.HOWEVER,I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR PLACE AND I REALLY APPRECIATE THE WAY YOUR PEOPLE WELCOME VISITORS.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE MANDATE I WILL KILL U IS COMING CLOSER SO THAT IS WHY I AM SENDING THIS NOTICE TO YOU SO THAT IF YOU CAN CO-OPERATE WITH ME I ASSURED YOU THAT I WILL MAKE SURE THAT YOUR RELATIVE WHO INTEND TO DESTORY YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED EVEN IF HE WANT TO DO THE JOB WITH ANOTHER EXECLUTIONER.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I KILL IN SPIRITUAL AND FISCAL AM THE MOST KILLER WHO KILLED WITH OUT MAKING MISTAKE FROM ANY JOB WHICH I PAID TO DO.ALL YOU HAVE TO DO NOW IS TO THINK WISE AND ART FAST SO THAT I WILL TELL YOU THE NEXT THING TO DO I AM WITH UR PICTURES YOU ARE ADVICE TO GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY,YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL SO THAT I CAN TELL YOU MORE THINGS.FOR FURTHER INFORMATION,YOU CAN CONTACT ME THROUGH MY EMAIL ADDRESS..
spiritkiller5@yahoo.com

THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING

spiritkiller5@yahoo.com



---------------------------------------------------------------
www.universia.pt
posted by anotherpanacea at 6:35 AM on July 28, 2008


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