Try that with a fiat currency!
September 24, 2008 8:22 PM   Subscribe

Federal Reserve Fan Fiction via the XKCD blog.
posted by mecran01 (19 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
Bernanke/Greenspan OTP! Needs more hurt-comfort.
posted by crossoverman at 8:34 PM on September 24, 2008

I'm really waiting for some Federal Reserve slash fiction.
posted by zardoz at 8:37 PM on September 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

posted by louche mustachio at 8:43 PM on September 24, 2008

I thought the Federal Reserve itself was fiction...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 8:44 PM on September 24, 2008

The DOW has fallen 20% this year

>I put on my robe and wizard hat
posted by drezdn at 8:49 PM on September 24, 2008 [4 favorites]

I'm really waiting for some Federal Reserve slash fiction.

I was honestly shocked that this wasn't slash fiction.
posted by decagon at 8:56 PM on September 24, 2008

Needs more cling film.
posted by loquacious at 9:01 PM on September 24, 2008

posted by Oxydude at 9:31 PM on September 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

posted by secret about box at 9:40 PM on September 24, 2008 [2 favorites]

See Also, from earlier.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:43 PM on September 24, 2008

September 10, 2002 ABOLISH THE FEDERAL RESERVE Mr. Speaker, I rise to introduce legislation to restore financial stability to America's economy by abolishing the Federal Reserve

A poor little bill looking for a sponsor, like most of Dr. Paul's bills.

(And it would have better for a cross of gold to nail 'em to. That way you'd have a bunch of people praying for the 2nd coming of the market.)
posted by rough ashlar at 9:58 PM on September 24, 2008

I get it! It's like normal fan fiction, but instead of being unintentionally funny, it's unintentionally NOT funny!
posted by Damn That Television at 10:01 PM on September 24, 2008

Bernanke/Greenspan OTP! Needs more hurt-comfort.

Personally, I'm holding out for the Paulson/Dodd hatesex.
posted by Asparagirl at 10:16 PM on September 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


"It's not like that in the magical world, 'Arry," Hagrid said, voice
lowered in concern. "Y'see, when Vol... well, when You-Know-Who
set up a trust deposit insurance scheme, 'e didn't account for rising
interest rates. And 'e didn't give codflakes about whether it would
influence currency issues abroad, or take into account nominal
seasonal fluctuations in the GNP as accounted for in Dumbledore's
rules. See, that's what makes him so evil, Harry; by doin' this he
unpinned meaningful values from real estate an' just left 'em
floatin', an' so the loss in equity was inevitable..."

* * *

Harry's capitalization pool was starting to roll over. He knew there
was fallout risk. With a quick glance at Ron and Hermione he added a
short hedge of soft dollars and stirred in some FASB No. 8. But this
was a mistake; the market began churning, and his small-issues
exemption began to smoke. He started trying to write down the value
when he felt, rather than heard, Snape gliding up from behind. His
variance was harsher, less ironic, than usual. "So, Potter," he
sneered. "_That's_ your solution? When someone takes a poison pill,
you can't always just shove a BARRA analysis down their throat, you
know. If this had been a volatile market you'd be in Azkaban for
having violated Glass-Steagall." Snape looked down his nose at him,
his equity balanced. "You're just like your father: arrogant, always
at unsystematic risk, overextended, overbought and underfinanced."

This was too much. "My father was not overextended!" Harry shouted,
jumping from his stool, portfolio in hand...

* * *

"_Accio Jensen index!_" Harry cried, pointing his wand at the
maintenance margin requirement. If he could just prevent Voldemort
from off-balance-sheeting a little longer, he knew Hermione would come
through with the EAMS differential disclosure. But Voldemort's equity
was powerful, even with Dumbledore's setting value date on the
Eurodollar; his random-walk didn't seem so random, and Harry was sure
that even with translation exposure he could paper over his losses.
"_Autoregressive kedavra!_" Voldemort snarled with a sudden fiduciary.
Harry leaped aside, nearly forced to sell at a dirty price. If he
hadn't set his global bonds to Market-if-touched he would have been
forced into liquidity...
posted by DreamerFi at 2:41 AM on September 25, 2008 [8 favorites]

Ben Bernanke rested his hands against the polished steel of the console before him. "Seven hundred billion for this project," he thought. "A fictional number pulled from thin air which turned out to be just more than enough to cover our salvation. Fiction will save us all."

Four portals stood around him, each crackling with a blue energy at their outer rims, their centers an absolute void. It caused his mind to ache to look at them so he kept his eyes focused on the monitors before him. The harmonics were quickly coming into resonance. Fiscal solvency would soon be at hand.

Back in the "counting room," as it had come to be called, Greenspan and Volker were making the final arrangements for the bacchanal that would follow. Volker made sure the ceremonial liquidity pools were each exactly full of ten million dollars in twenties each while Greenspan busied himself adjusting the mood lighting and making certain that the trinkets and playthings were well within reach.

"Paul, do you think avian vision is more or less sensitive to light?"

"How the fuck should I know? Ring up an ornithologist if you think it's that important. I don't see how it matters, Al."

The thought of feathers and beaks made Greenspan quiver, but just a little.


In the portal chamber, events were on the precipice. The new partners were due to arrive momentarily. Bernanke counted down to no one in particular. "Ontological gate will achieve resonance in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..."

And then the world sparked white and Ben crumpled to the floor.


"What IS this?!," shrieked a mahogany voice that by the sound of it was very used to getting its way. "Where am I and what did you do with my clothes? And why do my balls feel so full?" He kicked at the man on the floor beneath him.

Gasping, Bernanke said "You... are... Nwabudike Morgan... and I brought you here from our fiction, along with the others in this room, to save us from the results of our financial mismanagement. Along with the others in the room you'll save us all. As for your balls, it's probably a temporary vitality surge from gating process."

Ah, the others in the room. Morgan hadn't noticed them until now in this darkened room. The three introduced themselves as Hank Rearden, a steel tycoon. Jean Baptiste Zorg, a widely diversified magnate, and Scrooge McDuck, some kind of monstrous bird creature that somehow aquired a forture in industry.

And they were all nude and obviously horny and good to go.

"Mr. Bernanke," Morgan croaked with a new found veneer of graciousness. "I'd love to begin to assist you right this moment but is there any way the new investment club and I could somehow rid ourselves of these boners? Do you happen to have some prostitutes on staff?"

"Yeah, just go into the counting room. You'll find a couple eager to please."


Paul Volker was the center of a old-guy meat sandwich, pinned between the bread of Zorg and Morgan. "Ugh... *grunt*... The hell. Al, do you really think this'll work? Can these guys *guhhuu* save us?"

Greenspan spit Rearden's penis out of his mouth just long enough to reply, delighting in the sensation of feathered hands cup his sagging man teats and his knees sink into the bed of currency and bullion they were fucking on. "I don't care, Volcker. I just told Bernanke to do this because since I was a teenager I wanted to be fucked in the ass by Donald Duck's uncle. Here's to wishing on stars, Paul! Now I can die a happy man."

And he did.

And Scrooge McDuck took no notice
posted by bunnytricks at 4:33 AM on September 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm really waiting for some Federal Reserve slash fiction.

Just open the newspaper, we're all getting fucked by these guys right now!
posted by Pollomacho at 4:43 AM on September 25, 2008

Awesome. I was almost hoping for wingfic, but the use of the snake from the earlier simile made up for it.
posted by marginaliana at 8:40 AM on September 25, 2008

"...And Scrooge McDuck took no notice".

posted by heeeraldo at 10:37 AM on September 25, 2008

This sounds like one of Paul Erdman's novels. Zero Coupon's back copy says:
“He then enters the giddy zero-sum world of futures and options, swaps and inverse floaters.”

I'm giddy with excitement!
posted by Monochrome at 3:13 AM on October 6, 2008

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