StreetWars News Segment
November 24, 2008 7:10 AM   Subscribe

A news segment on StreetWars: the 24/7 watergun assassination game.
posted by rageagainsttherobots (39 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Where's part 2? I wanna know what happens!
posted by Happy Dave at 7:20 AM on November 24, 2008

That's because it is one of the best kept secrets on the internet.

That's some secret.

I received a 3 day suspension for running the assassination game in my junior year in high school. I can definitively state that the "Supreme Commander" is taking himself way too seriously.
posted by JaredSeth at 7:26 AM on November 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

The annual game of Assassin at my college was always interesting. You would see people creeping through the bushes and peering out of upper-story windows. There were often groups of people huddled in bathrooms/safe zones. And then there were the arguments. Lots and lots of arguments about whether a kill was legal or not. "I had one foot in the bathroom!" "The librarian saw you crawling over here!"

It was always a relief when I got killed and my life could return to normal.
posted by diogenes at 7:31 AM on November 24, 2008

That idiotic hair + sprayon tan fatcat has a lot of business saying "internet" in a scoffing tone.

But I guess he's trumped by the Supreme Commander and MustachioedHenchman (ironic or not, those guys are D-U-M-B).
posted by DU at 7:36 AM on November 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think the 'Supreme Commander' must really miss the days when he was captain of the Audio/Visual department in High School. Holy smokes, nerds.
posted by chococat at 7:56 AM on November 24, 2008

Game over.
posted by netbros at 8:01 AM on November 24, 2008

This sounds like tons of fun.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:19 AM on November 24, 2008

I received a 3 day suspension for running the assassination game

Damn, I only got a day. I was pleased, however, to find out that I had 8% of the Student body in my last game as GM. The year after I graduated, that increased to 14% -- and this wasn't a small school.
posted by eriko at 8:20 AM on November 24, 2008

How gutted must that guy have been to see an attractive woman had broken into his house to lie on his bed waiting for him, only for the result to be him getting nailed out of the game he was involved in by the poxiest little water pistol known to modern Man.

Talk about anti-climax. And possibly insult to injury - "You're so pathetic, I don't even need to use a proper water pistol. Loser".
posted by Brockles at 8:33 AM on November 24, 2008

As someone who's run a similar game (Humans vs. Zombies), I have to hand it to Street Wars for picking hot people to act as the public face of their playerbase.
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:51 AM on November 24, 2008

I remember a session when I was living in Santa Barbara. I got killed with a toilet paper garrote (we were WAY more flexible with our weapons - ask me about the Gold Coin assassination sometime) while walking down State Street one day. Curse you glasses for breaking at the worst possible time!
posted by Samizdata at 8:56 AM on November 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

So, samizdata, how 'bout you tell us about the Gold Coin assassination?
posted by i_cola at 9:00 AM on November 24, 2008

*Wants to play.* :(
posted by Phalene at 9:12 AM on November 24, 2008

When we played this, right out of the Steve Jackson Killer book, one team of would be assassins saved up their killer bucks in order to buy the rights to use The Ultimator, which was some sort of giant nerf bazooka. They even staged a wonderful ambush with the thing. They waited until the bulk of the other team was in a car, then trapped said car between two of their own vehicles on a suburban side street. The lead vehicle was a convertible, so the guy with the bazooka popped up from the back seat while all three cars were stopped in order to unleash it on the trapped middle car.

It was just a shame that those nerf shells were so inaccurate. It skipped right over the car full of the enemy team and instead thunked into the windshield of the third following car, team killing two of their own guys.

I was a poisoner/arsonist. I managed to poison the doorknobs of a foe's house, trapping him inside until he could find a pair of gloves. While he searched for them, I ran around the house with my red crepe paper, thus burning it down.

I was offed in a movie theatre - my throat was slit with a sponge knife.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:16 AM on November 24, 2008 [3 favorites]

free science fiction idea for scalzi/doctorow/stross:

High-tech Game of Assassin among City brokers, set NOW
posted by By The Grace of God at 9:34 AM on November 24, 2008

One summer in the '60s when I was in high school we enjoyed many feverish water battles using high-pressure fire extinguishers. It became quite the challenge driving all over town looking for opposing teams of friends to douse. Occasionally, we invited the citizenry into our little game. For instance ... the lady walking out of the beauty salon ... we flattened her neatly coifed hair. She was not amused. Hopped in her car, followed us up the street and took our license number. The police were waiting when we arrived home later in the day. I ended up paying a fine and restitution for a new hairdo, but it was worth it for the look on her face. The worst thing? The dang police confiscated our fire extinguishers.
posted by netbros at 9:39 AM on November 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

I played this a lot in college. We did it during our January-term thing, in Minnesota, which adds some extra challenge: if your water gun freezes you can't use it!

Good times!
posted by aubilenon at 9:50 AM on November 24, 2008

Whoa, there's more than one college that has that January-term thing? I thought that was just us. This was in Michigan. Maybe it's a northern thing? Or states that start with 'M'? Need more data.
posted by DU at 10:00 AM on November 24, 2008

What's wrong with the newsreader's hair? I'm being serious, it looks a confection, or something made of spun sugar or plastic netting awkwardly balanced atop his head. It looks photoshoped in. It frightens me.
posted by The Whelk at 10:02 AM on November 24, 2008

Whoa, there's more than one college that has that January-term thing? I thought that was just us. This was in Michigan. Maybe it's a northern thing? Or states that start with 'M'? Need more data.

My college in Maine had a January term. Maybe it is just northern states that start with M. Interesting.

I used my January term for the really important classes such as Asian Cooking and Post-Modern Apocalyptic Film.
posted by diogenes at 10:34 AM on November 24, 2008

I think there is some confusion in this story. I think it's was supposed to be two seperate stories about Street Whores and Bad Asian Stereotypes.
posted by tkchrist at 10:38 AM on November 24, 2008

In college I remember once yelling at some other undergrads in the library--my respective lawn, I suppose?--who were running around shooting each other with water guns . . . Perhaps this was Assassin?
posted by resurrexit at 10:42 AM on November 24, 2008

There really is nothing quite like the feeling of being stopped mid-chase by a campus security SUV when you are carrying a modded Nerf gun, and having the gun confiscated because "we don't allow weapons on university property."

RIP Assassin @ the University of Tulsa. We were just getting started.
posted by aliceinreality at 10:57 AM on November 24, 2008

Inspired by Pope Guilty's mention of "Humans vs Zombies" (who wouldn't want to play THAT game!) I did some quick googling and found a 40 minute documentary on it (SYTL).

It's right heah.


Oh, and if anyone in the Tampa Bay area is running this, I demand to know!
posted by willmize at 11:01 AM on November 24, 2008

Related movies:

The 1969 Oliver Reed/Diana Rigg/Telly Savalas/Curd J├╝rgens killapalooza The Assassination Bureau.

The 1985 Anthony Edwards/Linda Fiorentino classic Gotcha!
posted by kirkaracha at 11:27 AM on November 24, 2008

I would just like to say that the fur coat/sunglasses 'supreme commander' guy annoys the shit out of me.

Thank you.

also I thought everyone had done this at some point in their life
and if you haven't you should

posted by six-or-six-thirty at 11:46 AM on November 24, 2008

There really is nothing quite like the feeling of being stopped mid-chase by a campus security SUV when you are carrying a modded Nerf gun, and having the gun confiscated because "we don't allow weapons on university property."

Try being stopped mid-chase by NYPD in Central Park carrying modded tracer-disc guns at night. In 1982.
posted by nicwolff at 11:47 AM on November 24, 2008

The Gold Coin Assassination

As I said previously, we were pretty flexible with our weapons, as long as there was a visible, or in some cases, a gustatory clue.

Some of our female players could be brutal. One, of a rather attractive nature, for example, would have on bright green lipstick then swoop down and plant mouth kisses whenever possible. She did have to stop though, if someone noticed the lipstick and requested no kiss.

The worst of which though, was the Gold Coin. One young lady prepared a Gold Coin condom with a lightweight solvent and a, ummm, harmless topical irritant. She spent a couple of days getting a male player interested, took him home, got things what could only be described as prepared, and then convinced the gentleman to wear the condom, despite the fact it had not been wrapped at any point, and the young lady had also embellished the tip with a skull and crossbones.

The condom was worn, irritation noted emphatically, contract was completed, and young lady was lucky the target was a good sport and unarmed.

And, before anyone asks, I was NOT the target...
posted by Samizdata at 1:04 PM on November 24, 2008

I personally liked the inclusion of poison in our game. If someone put a sticker on the bottom of your glass/bowl/plate and you didn't notice and take it off before you ate, you dead, son.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 1:14 PM on November 24, 2008

My shining moment of Assassins was getting the final kill after running through a crowded auditorium brandishing a dark purple (almost black) watergun screaming "I got you, motherfucker!" in a trench coat.

I asked the guy who I "killed" who was speaking once we were outside and I'd tracked him down (he bolted like a crazy person). Turns out I'd just interrupted a speech given by Bobby Seale, one of the founders of the Black Panthers. HOLY SHIT!
posted by educatedslacker at 1:20 PM on November 24, 2008 [2 favorites]

The condom was worn, irritation noted emphatically, contract was completed, and young lady was lucky the target was a good sport and unarmed.

The target should've then taken a cue from Brazil and asked his Charlotte Corday if she cared to indulge in a little necrophilia.
posted by Spatch at 1:20 PM on November 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

Whether or now you think this is a worthwhile concept or execution (ahem) of said concept, I think we can all agree that if someone is going to go by the title of Mustache Commander, they damn well ought to be able to grown their own mustache.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:34 PM on November 24, 2008

Spatch -

Best come on line EVER.
posted by Samizdata at 11:30 PM on November 24, 2008

I can personally testify that the guys running Streetwars are a bunch of incompetent morons, the game is poorly run and basically they're just in it for the cash they're pulling out of it.

I participated in the most recent running of it here in NYC, this was only a couple months back so its all very recent for me. I was really excited, but unfortunately a friend went in the hospital the weekend I was supposed to meet my "contact" to pick up my first dossier, so I had to wait until Monday night to pick mine up (first deliveries were on Saturday and Sunday).

Sunday night, when I got home from the hospital late - 1 or 2am, my roommate was in his room with his girlfriend and I was just undressing for bed when we both heard a loud "bang" from the back-yard (our private patio, walls on either side). I run upstairs and he runs out of his room, we exchange hurried "Didyouhearthat wasthatyou NO"s and then run out into the yard and flip the light on.

There was one guy about my age trying to kick in the gate between our yard and the neighbors, and another dude climbing over the top of our wall. My roommate and I instinctively just headed straight for them but the one behind the gate disappeared and the one on the wall jumped off on the other side. We ran out to the front of our building but by the time we got there they were gone. We stood around for a while trying to decide if we should call the cops or what. We decided to file a report with the management company in the morning, but needless to say we didn't sleep very well.

Monday night I went out to pick up my dossier. When I got there I told this "Supreme Commander" about the break-in attempt the night before and asked whether breaking and entering was against the rules. I was assured it was completely prohibited and anyone caught doing it as part of the game would be instantly eliminated. So, naturally I assumed that the break-in attempt was not related to the game, and we filed the report with the management company and kept an extra eye on the back-yard that week.

Tuesday night I was waiting for my first target on the corner of 9th and 17th. He worked at a restaurant downtown so I was out late, sitting on some steps and looking for someone matching his file to be walking uptown, perhaps in waiter garb. About 1 in the morning, here he comes, riding up 9th on one of those collapsible bikes. He had a look of fear in his eyes, and looked right at me, but couldn't see the water gun tucked in the back of my pants. He rode past and as soon as he entered his doorway I sprinted to it. He saw me at the last second and threw his bodyweight back over his bike towards the closing front door, but he was half a second too late, I hit the door before him, stuck my hand through, and shot him straight through his backpack. He was pissed but amicable, even gave me his gun since he didn't need it and I had broken mine in the act of offing him.

Wednesday morning I was already tracking my next target, scoping out his house, then his work location. It had two potential street exits and both were too close to subway stops to get a clean shot at him, so I decided home was the only way to get this guy. I snuck into his building and waited in the outside his front door for him to come home from work. After a couple of hours, a girl walked out of the stairwell, paused when she saw me, and proceeded around the corner. I heard her fumbling with her purse for a second and then she swore under her breath and came back towards the stairs, and went back down. That's a little odd, I thought, as I stood and readied my gun, but just as I was getting up the door flew open and out my target popped, nailing me in the chest and buying himself 24 hours before I could tag him again. I took off quickly so he wouldn't get a good look at me, he was a smart bastard, using his girlfriend like that, and I'd have to come up with a new plan.

Thursday morning I left my apartment early to go scope out my target and stalk him on his way to work, I'd try to get him in commute this time, so this was planning for a Friday morning kill. He never came out of his building though, so I gave up after a while and went home to change and go for a run. 3 blocks into my run I hear my name called and I felt the water hit me in the back before I could turn to see my killer.

On the way back to my apartment to get my card for him, he tells me how he's been sitting in the bar across the street from our place or his car, parked in front of it, for most of the last week. And then he of course admits that he actually got really wasted on Sunday night and tried to break into our back yard with his buddy. Apparently the super in the building next door let him into their backyard to try and get into ours. As if that made it OK or something.

So I send an email to this Supreme Commander asshat explaining all of this in short order to him. He tells me not to worry and that they'll be promptly "rape him in the face," his words, not mine. But then I don't hear anything after that.

So I write again - like, hey, its me, the guy who's killer broke the rules to kill him, when do I get my next target.

And he responds basically "What do you mean? You're dead."

So I write again asking if he missed the part about the break in.

He writes back and tells me look, I'm dead, they kicked the other guy out of the game, and that's that.

I write back telling him that that is bullshit and I want my money back.

He responds that listen, if I had told them about the break-in when it happened, then maybe they could have kept me in the game.


He responds that OK, he remembers that now, but its now far too late and unfair to the other players to let me back into the game.

This was about the point that I realized I was dealing with a five year old's grasp on reality and that arguing the matter any more was a waste of time. I still have the email chain if anyone's interested in seeing this guy's banality first hand.

I'm determined to give these guys as much bad press and word of mouth as I possible can. Bunch of football-humping monkeys.
posted by allkindsoftime at 1:40 PM on November 25, 2008

I mean seriously, look at him in that video, wearing that ugly coat and those glasses. Hissing and licking his lips. He looks like a freaking pedophile.
posted by allkindsoftime at 1:47 PM on November 25, 2008

Post the email chain on a throwaway blogspot and then link it here, allkindsoftime.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:58 PM on November 25, 2008

Per your request.
posted by allkindsoftime at 3:12 PM on November 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Heh. That Commander dude's a big wanker that controls an army of wankers. Now go post it in Projects!

and make me some dinner
posted by Burhanistan at 8:37 PM on November 25, 2008

and make me some dinner


I'm thankful I got to play Assassin in high school with actual toy projectile weapons before this sort of thing would have prompted a police lockdown of the campus and an entire media shitcircus. I'm also probably thankful I didn't have to deal with adult sexual dynamics and poisoned condoms. That's just cold. Brilliant, but ice cold.

We would get creative with the weapons and allowed poison. We also allowed "explosives" which could be anything from a mechanical confetti bomb to those paper and sand snap caps or small firecrackers. In my neighborhood we were able to buy these cool firecrackers on a string, sort of a prank boobytrap. It's basically the mildly explosive guts of a party popper or British "cracker" in the middle of a long string. Tie each end to something like a door or tie the target's backpack to a desk to trigger.

These kinds of antics and the running pellet gun battles in the hallway did lead to an inevitable crackdown - and that incident with the bottle-rocket bazooka indoors in the common area probably wasn't such a good idea, either - so we developed a variant that allowed only general school and offices supplies as weapons, which seemed to mask better with the general background noise and grabassery of a large school. A highlighter or rolled paper becomes a knife. Rubber bands become bullets, or launching power for folded paper or paper clip bullets. Rubber cement becomes contact poison. All of the above allows for the engineering of booby traps and springloaded "bombs" or even more complicated weapons like blowdart guns or rubber band guns.

Ack. I can feel the paranoia seeping back already. I think Brian has my dossier, he's been looking at me funny all week and trying to give me unpackaged food. Is that dye or marker on my locker? WTF is that piece of paper sticking out? *puts on gloves, opens locker, puts away gloves* Cute, it's a piece of paper with the word "bomb..." written on it. *picks it up* ...and apparently covered in goo on the back and the words "...poison-covered bomb". DOH!
posted by loquacious at 5:32 AM on November 26, 2008

« Older AAA?   |   78 labels Newer »

This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments