Douchecastle stumbled to my apartment in the wee hours all lathered up and nostalgic.
January 29, 2009 4:16 PM   Subscribe

I bang the worst dudes (Sorry Mom)
posted by MiltonRandKalman (87 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think this pic is Ze Frank. He wasn't any better when I banged him either.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:21 PM on January 29, 2009


LOLonenightstands!
posted by crossoverman at 4:22 PM on January 29, 2009


The problem is the best dudes get in those pesky relationships early and you know, stay in them.

/Either for awhile, or longer.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 4:23 PM on January 29, 2009


I only banged this dude because I thought he looked like Tom Hanks.

what
posted by DU at 4:24 PM on January 29, 2009 [7 favorites]




I bang the worst chicks isn't quite as succesful. And if you remove the .tumblr part from the URL, you get this.
posted by gman at 4:30 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


Ew.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:30 PM on January 29, 2009


A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"
posted by netbros at 4:30 PM on January 29, 2009 [16 favorites]


Ugh.
posted by jbickers at 4:32 PM on January 29, 2009


Ugh, there's enough human ugliness there (no, not the physical kind, please recall the P.C. patrol) to make me wish reincarnation was real just so I can come back as a sea anemone and be oblivious of this kind of stuff.
posted by Iosephus at 4:32 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


I met this recovering junkie at an AA meeting...

After finally persuading this car-less, homeless, jobless guy to come home with me...

This cheater drank like a fish and used to start smoking my weed immediately upon waking in the morning...

Yeah, I'm having a hard time working up much sympathy for these people.
posted by Rangeboy at 4:35 PM on January 29, 2009 [5 favorites]


Those entries were curiously gender-free. Is this a site for dudes who bang the worst dudes or girls who bang the worst dudes or is it open to anyone and everyone who bangs the worst dudes?
posted by grounded at 4:37 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


I thought it was good for laugh:
"One day while he was inside of me, he looked me in the eyes and asked, “is this what it’s like to be intimate with someone?” while trying to hold my hand, fingers interlaced. I had to keep myself from laughing in his face."
men are just deplorable creatures
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 4:41 PM on January 29, 2009


If you think you recognize one of those dudes, put their name in the search and the site will confirm it for you.
posted by gman at 4:43 PM on January 29, 2009


I thank this thread for the addition of "douchecastle" into my own personal lexicon.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:43 PM on January 29, 2009 [6 favorites]


Douchecastle

Moats? Boiling oil? Siege engines and trebuchets?
Whatever one is, it sounds painful.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:43 PM on January 29, 2009


Where were these women with such low standards back when I was looking for them? Sheesh.
posted by GuyZero at 4:44 PM on January 29, 2009 [4 favorites]


Boiling oil?

No, just vinegar and water.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:45 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


This would be even better with response comments from the dudes.
posted by TwelveTwo at 4:45 PM on January 29, 2009


Redirects from www.imafuckingretard.com, for anybody interested.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:45 PM on January 29, 2009


...right when we were about to bang he pulled a baggie out of his pocket and said “I’m going to go smoke this pill.” Uh-oh.

hahaha
posted by generalist at 4:48 PM on January 29, 2009


Don't they have a site for "dudes who couldn't even get it in before they came on your leg"? Surely that level of warning would be more valuable in these days of boning people off the Internets.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 4:49 PM on January 29, 2009


This only makes it hurt more for those not getting any.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:49 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'm still waiting for I Bang The Worst Moms . com
posted by mannequito at 4:50 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


Don't they have a site for "dudes who couldn't even get it in before they came on your leg"?

Not a site per se.

posted by gman at 4:51 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


Fortunately for these men, the black stripes covering the upper part of their faces make them impossible to identify from these photos.
posted by gubo at 4:56 PM on January 29, 2009


If you think you recognize one of those dudes, put their name in the search and the site will confirm it for you.

Man, I hope I'm not on there.
posted by Roman Graves at 4:57 PM on January 29, 2009


Ken Finkleman?
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 4:57 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


My god, between this and DABA girls, it's enough to make me never want to fuck again.
posted by Afroblanco at 5:03 PM on January 29, 2009


LOLMISTAKES?
posted by Bageena at 5:06 PM on January 29, 2009


Afroblanco - think of these as filtering services. Note where these people gather or meet, and avoid anything beyond casual conversations at such locations. Viola, you're safe!
posted by filthy light thief at 5:07 PM on January 29, 2009


I like the search function. It made the process of discovering that I'm not (yet) featured on the site a quick process.

Apparently, I need to get worse if I want the recognition that I think that I deserve.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 5:08 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


I guess "I'm Angry At My Ex, And Bitching On The Internet Is The Only Way I Know How To Express My Emotions: The Web Site" was already taken?
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 5:08 PM on January 29, 2009


Further thoughts: it's a pity google seems to show douchecastle is already an established insult. I just had the thought that chessboxing could use a new legal play called douchecastling, whereby a player can switch places with some annoying relative who deserves to get his ass kicked soundly.
posted by Iosephus at 5:18 PM on January 29, 2009 [6 favorites]


Sweet, I'm not on there. Yet, anyway.
posted by the_bone at 5:21 PM on January 29, 2009


This was about 20x better before I realized the entries weren't all from the same lady.
posted by NoraReed at 5:21 PM on January 29, 2009 [32 favorites]


NoraReed - my thoughts exactly.
posted by saladin at 5:24 PM on January 29, 2009


maybe the sex would have been better if the posters had put down the camera?
posted by silkygreenbelly at 5:29 PM on January 29, 2009


All the entries do have a strikingly similar voice. And by that I mean, a Vice magazine intern.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:32 PM on January 29, 2009 [7 favorites]


How about: I'll bang any fucking loser in the world?
posted by zzazazz at 5:33 PM on January 29, 2009


"Why is it that a woman always thinks that the most savage thing she can say to a man is to impugn his cocksmanship. "

-- William Holden (as Max Schumacher) in Network
posted by Afroblanco at 5:35 PM on January 29, 2009 [3 favorites]


I feel sorry for the financier Frenchman. How can she blame him, when her lips were stung by a bee? What, did he train the bee?
posted by misha at 5:35 PM on January 29, 2009


I feel sorry for the financier Frenchman. How can she blame him, when her lips were stung by a bee? What, did he train the bee?

Whoa, what the fuck? I thought I was on Metafilter, not Frenchapologistfilter. French people train bees to sting people. That is a fact, whether or not the liberals want to admit it. Wake up, will you?
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 5:38 PM on January 29, 2009 [19 favorites]


Afroblanco - think of these as filtering services. Note where these people gather or meet, and avoid anything beyond casual conversations at such locations. Viola, you're safe!

Just say cello!
posted by dersins at 5:39 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: I thought I was on Metafilter
posted by Hands of Manos at 5:54 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


Banal, crude, and classless. Just the way the web's supposed to be!
posted by jamstigator at 6:04 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


The Douchecastles are our neighbours.

Nice people.
posted by mattoxic at 6:19 PM on January 29, 2009 [3 favorites]


I was just watching some old re-runs of Douchecastle & McCormick the other night.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:26 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


Of course, they spell it D'Ouch-Écastlé.
posted by Abiezer at 6:32 PM on January 29, 2009


Douchecastle to Queen's Bishop Four.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 6:37 PM on January 29, 2009 [3 favorites]


Yeah, I'm having a hard time working up much sympathy for these people.

"These people"? Oh man, and here I thought it was the blog on one people. Can you imagine what a loser you would have to be?
posted by nola at 6:41 PM on January 29, 2009


And douchecastles made of sand, fall into the sea, eventually.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:42 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


Douchecastle and McDouchemick.
posted by steef at 6:55 PM on January 29, 2009


There is hope for every guy who thinks he can't get laid, and of course every gal. Frankly, both sexes want it and if they are horny enough they will compromise. Beer goggles all around.
posted by caddis at 7:05 PM on January 29, 2009


I had sex with a girl who was a big Ron Paul supporter. I thought I could get away with it because I asked her if she liked Ayn Rand and she said no. In the midst of the act she whispered in my ear "I don't like Ayn Rand, I love her." I didn't lose my boner or anything but I think it delayed my climax considerably. Which worked out pretty well for everyone involved. I had a bit of esprit d'escalier where I thought it would have been nice to call her a parasite as a form of dirty talk.
posted by I Foody at 7:10 PM on January 29, 2009 [23 favorites]


It's funny how even with the black bars you can tell that these dudes are some sweet assclowns.
posted by Saxon Kane at 7:11 PM on January 29, 2009


If you think you recognize one of those dudes, put their name in the search and the site will confirm it for you.

I am 100% certain I know a guy a few pages in (same very recognizable picture that's on his Facebook) and his name didn't pull anything up.
posted by bradbane at 7:19 PM on January 29, 2009


!-- all in one seo pack 1.4.7 [-1,-1] --
meta name="description" content="In what can only be defined as a straight-up phenomenon, the site I Bang the Worst Dudes (Sorry, Mom) has been on the tips of tongues and tweets everywhere. Part locker room talk and part slumber party confessional, the site calls out dudes through reader submitted stories and photos, obscuring their identities with a strategically placed black bar. It's already been namechecked on Jezebel and it's been burning up messageboards and inboxes up and down the East Coast Corridor. All this and it only launched last week! For all of you worker drones, the site is slightly NSFW. After a scuff up with Tumblr, they have now setup their new domain digs at sorry-mom.com"
!-- /all in one seo pack --
posted by tellurian at 7:23 PM on January 29, 2009


I Foody: Awesome. I once got laid BECAUSE I liked Ayn Rand (this was about 12 years ago -- note the past tense). Last year when I was out on a date with a woman, she told me she was a big Ron Paul supporter and believed in a gold-based economy; it was like bizarro-Viagra to my soul.
posted by Saxon Kane at 7:32 PM on January 29, 2009


Alcohol is a helluva drug.
posted by bardic at 7:37 PM on January 29, 2009


It's embarrassing enough to make a joke someone else made upthread, but beaten to a Hardcastle and McCormick joke? I didn't even Ctrl-F. I douche you bidnight, folks!
posted by steef at 7:49 PM on January 29, 2009


Alcohol is a helluva drug.

It is the drug of procreation. Darwin approves this drug.
posted by caddis at 7:56 PM on January 29, 2009


When we find out that fakey-fake site is fake, we'll still have the term "douchecastle" to console us.
posted by taz at 8:02 PM on January 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


Sponsored by

Women with Low Self-Esteem
"Because even douchebags need to get laid"
Established Long, Long Ago

posted by maxwelton at 8:06 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


*do not hesitate to email us to have a picture taken down, all is fair in urm, love?

HELLO I AM CONTRADICTION GNOME
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:27 PM on January 29, 2009


I think I have found my favorite:
A few minutes after telling me he was a proud father, we got in bed, started making out and he promptly pulled out his dick and exclaimed “I have a tiny penis, isn’t that hilarious?” My response? “Congratulations! You made a human with that!” I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:34 PM on January 29, 2009


[phone rings]

"Hello, drjimmy11 speaking."
"Hey, man what's up. So that's a bummer about those terrorist attacks, huh? I can't believe Saddam helped them plan that! I sure hope we re-elect Bush so he can keep us safe!"
"What? Who is this?"
"Duuude! It's me? 2002!"
"Oh, hey 2002, what's up?"
"Ah you know man, same old, same old. I was just wondering, umm, I was looking around my place, and I can't find my concept of making insults by appending any random word to 'douche.' I really need it, people are really into it right now. Have you seen it anywhere?"
posted by drjimmy11 at 8:45 PM on January 29, 2009 [4 favorites]


So what sounds should guys make in bed?
posted by stinkycheese at 8:53 PM on January 29, 2009


WHAT. THE. FUCK? 5 minutes after I met this guy he dumped a giant beer on my best friend, called her a “fat bitch” several times and threatened to beat up her boyfriend. He’s covered in these god awful satanic tattoos and when we got to his place he made me watch Sixteen Candles and listen to a bunch of gangsta rap. He slapped me around and choked me the whole time we boned, then he held my hand and walked me to the train in the morning. I’m still confused.

Uh... I am too. What the hell made you decide to go home with him?!
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:14 PM on January 29, 2009 [3 favorites]


The choice must be made: No more Internet, or no more people.
posted by kenlayne at 10:09 PM on January 29, 2009 [5 favorites]


So what sounds should guys make in bed?

"AaaaOOOOOOOOOOOgaaaa! AaaaOOOOOOOOOOOgaaaa! Dive! Dive!"

...

What?
posted by darkstar at 12:29 AM on January 30, 2009 [9 favorites]


Kind of surprised that one of my sisters ex-boyfriends isn't listed there already. Specifically, the one that stole my mother's and grandmother's wedding rings from my sister's jewelry box, and proceeded to pawn them for heroin money.

She got the rings back, had him arrested and sent to mandatory rehab, and abducted his cat when she moved out. She figured the cat deserved better, too.
posted by caution live frogs at 6:03 AM on January 30, 2009


"The only memorable thing about the mediocre sex was him insisting on being called “The Manimal” in bed."

Wow.......
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:15 AM on January 30, 2009


So what sounds should guys make in bed?

A few ideas.
posted by spamguy at 6:44 AM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]


This totally inspired me to submit my very first word to Urbandictionary...
posted by dnahvi at 8:54 AM on January 30, 2009



posted by dnahvi at 8:54 AM on January 30, 2009


This guy was housemates with a dude I was hanging out with. He was constantly flirting with everything that didn’t have a penis, and would always take his shirt off for no good reason. After I broke up with his roommate, we hooked up and when it started getting hot, he jizzed in his pants. Woops!

stories like this always crack me up. "This guy acted like a total asshole and was incredibly creepy. Anyway, I hooked up with him..." It's like, you realize what the problem here is, right? It's not that he's a douchebag. It's that you hooked up with him anyway! Ladies, guys like that act like that because women like you hook up with them. The more you know.
posted by shmegegge at 9:43 AM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]


So what sounds should guys make in bed?

A few ideas.
posted by FatherDagon at 9:54 AM on January 30, 2009


So, just so I'm clear, this kind of site is funny, but a site where guys post pictures of their one night stands and 'psycho ex'es and go into detail about noises they make or how disgusting their labia are would be out of the question, right? Just checking.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 11:10 AM on January 30, 2009


Man, I wonder how this thread would have gone if it was a LOLgirlsivebanged.
posted by spicynuts at 11:59 AM on January 30, 2009


Yeah, Uther, I think you should start an experiment..see how that goes.
posted by spicynuts at 11:59 AM on January 30, 2009


www.ibangtheworstchicks.com appears to be available.
posted by Afroblanco at 12:24 PM on January 30, 2009


I can't believe it took this long for the thread to veer sharply into Men's Rights.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:22 PM on January 30, 2009


I think you're confusing "Men's Rights" with the sort of decency that prevents you from taking joy in watching people anonymously talk trash about people after having sex with them. It's not an issue of Men's Rights just because men are the target of this particular site. It's an issue of basic civility.

Not that I have a problem with uncivil behavior (I'm on MeFi, after all).
posted by Parasite Unseen at 3:20 PM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]


Ah, I see. I guess statements in the spirit "yeah well if the tables were turned I bet people would be pretty angry" and stuff about labias make it difficult to see how it's about offended sensibilities with regards to trash talk as a whole.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:46 PM on January 30, 2009


"So, this chick was always coming around, acting all hot and horny for anything with a cock. One night I was pretty drunk, so I hooked up with her, even though I knew she was a total slut and always high. We barely start making out, and her panties are already soaked through! Then I give her oral for like a minute and she comes. The next morning, I wake up and she left in the middle of the night without even saying anything. Sheesh!"
posted by Saxon Kane at 12:25 AM on January 31, 2009


This is great. I have just submitted a picture of myself with an accompanying tale of sheer awfulness in the sack. I won't go into detail but it involves ferrets and my mother. What girl could resist such fame?
posted by Sparx at 2:07 AM on January 31, 2009


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