Jewish Jokers.
January 30, 2009 3:02 PM   Subscribe

The aristocrats!
posted by ooga_booga at 3:04 PM on January 30, 2009

An agent of the tsar came across an old Jew sitting in the park, reading aloud to help him follow the Hebrew in the book he was reading. "Why are you reading a book in Hebrew?" the agent demanded of him.

The old man looked up over his pince-nez and respectfully replied, "If I get to Heaven, I want to be fluent in the language."

The agent sneered and asked, "What if you go to Hell?"

The old man answered politely, "I already speak Russian."


Now that's an old Jew telling a joke.
posted by Joe Beese at 3:08 PM on January 30, 2009 [10 favorites]

A pity there's only three videos. The delivery and timing is polished, betraying how often these jokes have been told before by the joke-tellers. That being said, given the different angles and cuts in the clips, I wonder how much editing went into them.
posted by ooga_booga at 3:15 PM on January 30, 2009

Yeah, site was only launched a week ago, but they claim they'll add a new joke every Tuesday and Thursday.
posted by gman at 3:17 PM on January 30, 2009

they claim they'll add a new joke every Tuesday and Thursday

We'll see the punch line coming?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:19 PM on January 30, 2009

I figured this would pretty much go straight to
posted by crapmatic at 3:23 PM on January 30, 2009

I wish I could get my grandfather or grandmother to do this. They are both getting up their in age (older than all the "Old Jews" in these videos) and it's kind of painful to watch, mostly because I know they are unhappy with the turn their aging has taken lately. They both have decreased mobility, my grandfather is blind in one eye and recovering from a surgery to his carotid artery, AND he has to care for his wife who has some form of Alzheimer or dementia.

The one amusing side effect of this whole sad, sad situation? They both will tell jokes that would make Lenny Bruce blush. Life is short, so why not cram in as many penis jokes laced with profanities as you can while you're still on this planet? Bubbie and Zadie, I love you.
posted by piratebowling at 3:28 PM on January 30, 2009 [9 favorites]

posted by - at 3:40 PM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

And now, I will tell one of my favorite Jewish jokes (and why not?)

Boris Tomashefsky, one of the great stars of the Yiddish theater, is making a great dramatic comeback late in his career. Nearing 70 years old, he decided he will do a run as King Lear, translated entirely into Yiddish. The play is a huge success and moments before the curtain is to rise for the packed house on the last night of the play's run, he drops dead of a heart attack in his dressing room. The producer, director, stage manager and theater manager don't know what to do. Do they cancel in his honor? Do they go on with an understudy? They decide that since it was to be Boris' final performance, they would make an announcement to the audience, offer refunds and start planning the memorial service.

So, while the director contacts the widow to break the sad news, the theater manager steps in front of the curtain. "Ladies and Gentleman," he announces. "I'm sorry to announce that tonight's performance will not go on as planned. Minutes ago, Boris Tomashefsky, possibly the finest theatrical actor of our generation, passed away." A hushed aw sweeps over the audience, followed by concerned murmur. Then, from the middle of the theater a tiny, shriveled, ancient woman stands up, and with the loudest voice she can muster belts out, "GIVE HIM AN ENEMA!"

The audience once again goes silent, no one knowing how to react. "Ma'am, maybe you did not hear me before, Boris is not incapacitated or unwell, he is dead." the theater manager choked out. Still standing, the old woman repeats, "GIVE HIM AN ENEMA!"

The theater manager, not sure if she is meshugana or merely playing a sick joke looses all patience. "Look, lady, Boris has dropped dead. Of a heart attack. He is gone, and nothing will bring him back to us. Nothing is gonna help, least of all an enema." "Ah!" the lady yells, "It may not help, but it couldn't hurt!"
posted by piratebowling at 3:48 PM on January 30, 2009 [8 favorites]

Does what it says on the tin.
posted by Caduceus at 4:00 PM on January 30, 2009

So this old man goes to confession. He says, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I've been faithfully married for over 50 years, but last night, I had sex with this amazing 19-year-old fitness councillor. We did it three times."
The priest says, "I see. And how long has it been since your last confession?"
"Oh I've never been," says the old man. "I'm Jewish."
"So what are you telling me for?" asks the priest, confused.
And the old man says, "I'm telling everybody!"
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:02 PM on January 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

The mom is absolutely adorable, and that second guy, with the golf joke--he is hilarious and adorable. I love their faces at the end.
posted by HotToddy at 5:04 PM on January 30, 2009

Waitah...taste my soup.
posted by spicynuts at 5:13 PM on January 30, 2009

Spicynuts should've told the whole joke. But since spicynuts didn't, I will ...

A elderly jewish man goes into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. A few minutes after being served his soup, his waiter notices the man waiving furiously at him and immediately goes over to help him.

"Waiter .... taste my soup," says the man.

"Oh, my," says the waiter, "is it cold? If so, I'll get you a fresh bowl."

"Waiter, no, just ... taste my soup," repeats the man.

"Is there a fly in it? If so, I'll get you a new bowl," says the waiter.

"Waiter ... just TASTE the soup," insists the man.

"Did I bring you the wrong type of soup? I can get you whatever you'd like," says the waiter.

"Waiter, for God's sake, just taste the soup," pleads the man.

"Ok ... ok. I'll taste the soup. Where's your spoon?"


<> Bad-dah-bum <>
posted by scblackman at 5:39 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
posted by orme at 5:46 PM on January 30, 2009

Spicynuts should've told the whole joke.

I pretty much assumed everyone on Earth had seen that movie and new what I was talking about.
posted by spicynuts at 5:51 PM on January 30, 2009

what movie is that?
posted by orme at 5:55 PM on January 30, 2009

Coming To America. Youtube the soup scene at the end in the barbershop.
posted by spicynuts at 6:32 PM on January 30, 2009

I'm quite fond of the following joke, which opens the book Born to Kvetch by Michael Wex, which I really liked.

A man boards a Chicago-bound train in Grand Central station and sits down across from an old man reading a Yiddish newspaper. Half an our after the train has left the station, the old man puts down his paper and starts to whine like a frightened child. "Oy, am I thirsty … Oy, am I thirsty… Oy, am I thirsty …"

The other man is at the end of his rope inside of five minutes. He makes his way to the water cooler at the far end of the car, fills a cup with water, and starts walking back to his seat. He pauses after a few steps, goes back to the cooler, fills a second cup with water and walks gingerly down the aisle, trying to keep the cups from spilling. He stops in front of the old man and clears his throat. The old man looks up in midoy, his eyes beam with gratitude as he drains the first cup in a single gulp. Before he can say or do anything else, the man hands him the second cup, then sits back down and closes his eyes, hoping to catch a bit of a nap. As he sits back, the old man allows himself a sigh of thanks. He leans into his own seat, tilts his forehead toward the ceiling, and says, just as loudly as before, "Oy, was I thirsty…"
posted by Kattullus at 6:44 PM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

oh YEAH!

Whataya know from funny, ya bastard?

This guy I work with always does that "ach-ha!" thing. I'm finally piecing things together.
posted by orme at 6:48 PM on January 30, 2009

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, I'll just sit here in the dark.
posted by emelenjr at 8:06 PM on January 30, 2009

A waiter walks up to a table of Jewish mothers and asks: "Is anything o.k.?"
posted by Smedleyman at 8:16 PM on January 30, 2009 [8 favorites]

Myron Cohen (here at age 74) was so Jewish he didn't even bother to change his name.

1) “We just got back from vacation, a tour of the world. Next year, we'll go someplace else.”

2) A couple is before a divorce judge. The judge says: “And so Madam, I am going to find for you that you receive 50 dollars per week for the rest of your life or until such time that you remarry.” And the husband says: “You know, judge, that's so fair of you that I also shall throw in a couple of dollars.”

3) A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”
posted by LeLiLo at 9:40 PM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

OH GAWD! I love that "HE HAD A HAT!" joke! I'd forgotten it!
posted by piratebowling at 9:57 PM on January 30, 2009

I love the "He had a hat!" joke. Classic.
posted by ioerror at 7:02 PM on January 31, 2009

Three Jewish guys are walking down the street. They pass by a church and there's a sign outside which reads:

Convert to Catholicism Today!
$100 For All New Converts

Kleinman decides to go in. He comes out almost immediately, looks at the other two guys and says "I couldn't do it. The second I stepped in there, it felt all wrong and I just knew I had to leave."

They stand there another second and Goldberg decides he's gonna show how it's done. Five minutes, ten minutes pass and he runs out. "I was in the office with the priest...he gave me a application, a pen... but then I don't know....I had to run out."

Next Fishbein decides it's his turn. He goes into the church. Five minutes pass and he doesn't come out. Ten minutes pass and he doesn't come out. Twenty minutes pass and he's still not out. Half an hour, forty-five minutes, an hour...Finally, an hour later Fishbein comes out. He walks back to his friends but doesn't say a word.

They look at him, they look at each other. Fishbein isn't finally they ask: "Nu, did you get the hundred sheckels?"

Fishbein looks at his two buddies and sneers : "It's always the same with you Jews. It's all about the money."
posted by dismitree at 3:26 PM on February 1, 2009

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