My Valentine's date this year? Bacon Man!
January 31, 2009 8:53 PM   Subscribe

I know you all love bacon. So if you're single, looking for a date, and want him to be edible... I present to you, bacon man. Step-by-step photos from NetDiva, his awesome creatrix.
posted by Unicorn on the cob (55 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I wonder how long it took her to eat all that bacon. Was it a matter of hours, or days? How much does she truly love the bacon?
posted by Suparnova at 8:59 PM on January 31, 2009

Where is your God now?

Getting an angioplasty, I assume.

This post is several kinds of awesome - not least for its judicious use of the "edibleboyfriend" tag.
posted by Joe Beese at 9:02 PM on January 31, 2009

Reminds me of Silence of the Lambs... now I just need some fava beans and a nice chianti.
posted by letitrain at 9:13 PM on January 31, 2009

I don't love bacon that much. But I think I could, on some level.
posted by not_on_display at 9:13 PM on January 31, 2009

Is this something I'd need six degre...

Oh. OK
posted by Nick Verstayne at 9:32 PM on January 31, 2009

posted by mwhybark at 9:45 PM on January 31, 2009

And then there was this ...
posted by Rumple at 9:57 PM on January 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

creatrix, huh?

I guess I'm down with that.
posted by niles at 10:02 PM on January 31, 2009

Are there any Möbius bacon strips? You'd think they'd be easier to cook.... Anyway,
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 10:20 PM on January 31, 2009

If you actually do this you probably shouldn't bring pictures to work.
posted by longsleeves at 10:21 PM on January 31, 2009

Am I the only one who thinks this looks kind of gross?
posted by monospace at 10:35 PM on January 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

I guess this would be the place to post the recipe for the BACON EXPLOSION.

I was going to make it for the Super Bowl but my family refused to chip in for the Defibrillator.
posted by cjets at 11:09 PM on January 31, 2009

Cjets, I got indigestion clicking that link. You owe me a Tums.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:22 PM on January 31, 2009

I guess this would be the place to post the recipe for the BACON EXPLOSION.

When I read about this I was pretty excited and passed it on to my master-of-bbq friend. This was old news to him. "We call them Phatties in Tennessee," he explained with a sly smile, "because you smoke 'em." So maybe there's nothing new under the bacon sun.
posted by peeedro at 11:29 PM on January 31, 2009

A valuable sidekick to the Green Eggs and Lantern.
posted by Lemurrhea at 11:34 PM on January 31, 2009

It would be perfect if it had a little loudspeaker, so you could play a wav file through it: "Aaaah! NOT THE BEEEES! THEY'RE IN MY EYES! Aaaaah!".

Or a Saruman doll action figure in drag to put at the foot of it.
posted by PontifexPrimus at 12:46 AM on February 1, 2009

This reminds me of my fave Dad Joke of recent times:

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….. “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.” “Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee”.

So with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon……every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. “Pepe, Pepe we ees saved! Eet is a Bacon Tree!”

And with that ……. Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, with Pepe close behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

“Pepe….go back man, you was right….ees not a bacon tree.” “Luis, Luis, mi amigo…….what ees it?” “Pepe……ees not a bacon tree…… ees



ees a ham bush!”

posted by LondonYank at 1:12 AM on February 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

Why do you get up in the morning?
posted by Catblack at 2:01 AM on February 1, 2009

Okay, this is officially it. I'm done with the "look - bacon in this application!" posts.

Don't get me wrong, bacon's tasty stuff. But I've reached the limit of being impressed or amused by what folks have done with it. Wrap it around something, like a filet mignon or a scallop or a mushroom? Although it sounds good, it's found in many cookbooks, and doesn't really merit a post to such a worldly weblog as Metafilter. Make wallpaper out of it, or gift wrap, or a pirate ship? It's cute, but it just isn't newsworthy.

It's bacon. It tastes pretty good, if you cook it and eat it. It's not suitable for other uses. A pig gave its life so that you might eat it - if you do try to turn its flesh into other things, you're not as likely to eat those things, meaning you've ruined perfectly good bacon by playing silly bastards with it, and are wasting food.

Buy some popsicle sticks if you want to be clever. Bacon's for eating; don't waste it on craft projects. Cook your bacon to your desired doneness, and eat it.
posted by Graygorey at 2:06 AM on February 1, 2009 [5 favorites]

Is Obama the new bacon?
posted by dawson at 2:59 AM on February 1, 2009

I dislike bacon. You can all fall upon me tear me to shreds now. Please be gentle with my manly bits.
posted by chuckdarwin at 3:19 AM on February 1, 2009

This is fucked up. Really, this is clear evidence of what desensitized, wasteful fucks we have become, and this - while for those who consider bacon a product, much as cardboard, may be a source of amusement - bacon! I'm seeing sentient lives kept in a state of suffering to face production-line slaughter, not to end up as sustenance or something of use, but to be hastily assembled into some amateurish and grim craft piece. Our ancestors would worship and give thanks to the animals they hunted and ate; here we make a joke out of their anonymity, their meaninglessness, and our disconnectedness from their reality.

The medium is the message, McLuhan taught us. Here, the message is we can maintain and slaughter animals at such a low-level, bargain existence that we can treat their flesh as cardboard, as paper, as the clay of the earth. We can laugh at how cleverly we arrange their extracted flesh, because we have removed ourselves from acknowledging how meagre and senseless we have rendered them.

Vegetarian rant over. You may continue with your usual unthinking exploitation of other sentient species.
posted by davemee at 4:02 AM on February 1, 2009 [15 favorites]

Okay, thanks.
posted by Science! at 4:46 AM on February 1, 2009 [4 favorites]

Whenever there is a big post on bacon, and how awesome it is, I feel like I'm my former roommate when he and I watched a documentary about super-smellers and perfume creation, while he himself has no sense of smell. These people on the screen were going on and on about the dimensions the perfume should have, how a scent representing Los Angeles should be like a white sheet, with a red stain from a virginal bleeding. Poor dude was just confused and wrecked by the end, feeling like there was a whole level of existence he was missing out on, until I explained to him, no those people were freaks just super into smells.

I need someone to tell me that Metafilter is mostly just freaks who are super into bacon or else I will go nuts. Because really, I just don't get it.
posted by piratebowling at 4:58 AM on February 1, 2009

>> Buy some popsicle sticks if you want to be clever.

I know a number of popsicles who would take issue with this stance.
posted by davelog at 5:04 AM on February 1, 2009

I need someone to tell me that Metafilter is mostly just freaks who are super into bacon or else I will go nuts.

It's not about the bacon, it's about the community. Each of us is within six degrees of Bacon. We share that communality.

WARNING: Undercooked foods may be hazardous to your health. All bacon should be cooked at temperatures higher than six degrees.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:13 AM on February 1, 2009


It sounds to me like you need to try some bacon.
posted by kbanas at 5:28 AM on February 1, 2009

If photoshopping your newborn baby onto a bacon winged unicorn is wrong, then I just don't want to know what's right.
posted by EarBucket at 5:40 AM on February 1, 2009

Bacon is so 2007-2008.
posted by cashman at 5:42 AM on February 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

posted by Faint of Butt at 5:44 AM on February 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

What this needs is a tiny Nicholas Cage trapped in it, screaming, while I devour it. Yum.
posted by adipocere at 6:54 AM on February 1, 2009

Now that the proof-of-concept has been constructed, I can only hope that Larry Harvey will follow through with the theme of Burning Man: The Baconing. Imagine the glorious sight of 50,000 hippies devouring the Man instead of burning him. Delicious.
posted by eatyourlunch at 6:57 AM on February 1, 2009

Where is your God now?

We rolled Edward Woodward inside Him. He was delicious.
posted by jonp72 at 7:12 AM on February 1, 2009

Has bacon officially jumped the shark yet? Has jumping the shark jumped the shark? What year is it? I'm cold and there are wolves outside.
posted by kaseijin at 7:22 AM on February 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

So if you make one of these, then pray to the Blue Fairy, do you get one of these?
posted by PlusDistance at 8:09 AM on February 1, 2009

well, davemee is 100% correct, ethically (and environmentally, and aesthetically). The pigs whose flesh is bacon are horribly treated, and the waste products of the pig-processing industry are destroying the land and water somewhere in South Carolina at this very moment.

that being said, i'm a horrible hypocrite, so i'm off to conduct useless experiments with my bacon rail-gun that fires depleted-bacon shells, then write up the results and post them to boing-boing.
posted by facetious at 8:13 AM on February 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

I didn't click the link, I didn't read the thread. I just popped in to tell you Bacon People: you are falling way behind the rest of us. It is time to move on.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:47 AM on February 1, 2009

This is the wourst idea I've ever heard porcine.
posted by hal9k at 10:08 AM on February 1, 2009

Naturally, the coolest kids are way out at the Bacon Temple, having their minds blown.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:23 AM on February 1, 2009

That looks nasty. And I agree with those that feel this is a waste of food and resources. Bacon is tasty, but I'm a little sickened by the gleefulness associated with its non-traditional applications. If you go to and search for "bacon" you find that it's the new pop-icon, trumping pirates and ninjas in mindless fanaticism and spawning all sorts of ridiculous products.

This seems like a backlash to something, our pride in indulging in a fatty, fried meat. Is it to the general diet craze and Atkins and carbs and the like? I'm all for epicureans and enjoying your food but this seems like the worst product to get behind as the emblem of that. It smacks of the stereotypical American, growing fat on processed grease.
posted by kindle at 10:36 AM on February 1, 2009

You forgot the AllPlayedOut tag.
posted by msalt at 12:16 PM on February 1, 2009

>>It is time to move on.

>>You forgot the AllPlayedOut tag.

So now, less than five years later, you can go up on this thread in Metafilter, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark — that place where the bacon wave finally broke and rolled back.
posted by macadamiaranch at 12:44 PM on February 1, 2009 [3 favorites]


Is that kosher?
posted by porpoise at 1:03 PM on February 1, 2009

Bacon Man looks like someone made of muscle instead of bone. Neat.

But is anyone else tired of the word awesome? I now associate it with things that someone desperately wants you too think are quirky and original but the thing itself is only midly interesting. It's happened in the past 2 years or so.

I notice the overuse of the word in everyday life and it annoys me in the same way that people who are constantly saying "whatever","you know", or those who uptalk annoys me.

posted by Freecola at 1:16 PM on February 1, 2009

What about Kevin?
posted by emhutchinson at 4:19 PM on February 1, 2009

I lost it at 'we are in a Post-Food era'. Some people on earth are still in a 'No-Food' era. There's nothing wrong with being creative with food preparation, but Post-Food era? Fuck off. Sorry.
posted by motty at 5:14 PM on February 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

If I made this, or my friends made this, we would eat it. Most of it - this guy would get some - so animal rights people could also chide me for mistreating a pit bull by feeding overly rich foods.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:58 PM on February 1, 2009

All of you bitching, please blow my mind with your own popsicle-stick based creative projects. I will FPP the hell out of them.

I don't even like bacon myself, but I admire anyone with the patience and imagination to make something as bizarre as Bacon Man.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 7:28 PM on February 1, 2009

Meh...I fail to see the cool factor. But speaking of pork, after I read Jeff Tietz's article about how environmentally devastating pig farming was to the areas and people around them, I was able to completely remove pork from our family's diet. I can get locally, grass fed beef and lamb, and eggs and chicken from another local ranch, but no rancher in this area will touch pig farming. All of them say that there's no way to do it in a commercially viable way that doesn't generate tons of toxic waste and require a metric buttload of antibiotics.

(For the record, I was a vegetarian for years, until I had to deal with cows. Now I eat them for revenge. And to stop them from getting guns.)
posted by dejah420 at 7:52 PM on February 1, 2009

Dejah420, I'm with you. Until I had to herd a gang of unruly cows into a barn in a thunderstorm for more than 1.5 hours one day when I was 15, I actually felt - gasp! - BAD for eating them.

And then after being soaked, almost struck by lightning, and pissed that the only way to get them into SHELTER IN THE DRIVING, 36 DEGREE RAIN was to basically poke them individually and scream at the top of my lungs, which resulted in pneumonia later that week... well, I said to myself... fuck it, these things are food. Because they are TOO STUPID to be out of a lightning storm and protect themselves in the freezing cold. Yeah, yeah, before people there were no barns, etc. I was a teenager. I was not amused.

Also, I love leather shoes. Vegan ones make my feet stink. When my cousins shoot wild boar and deer to make chili in hunting season, mmmm mmmm that shit is GOOD. Sorry, vegetarians. I await my stoning in the form of more "bacon man represents all that is evil with the pig farming/meat eating community on earth" comments.

(The sausage balls I ate tonight at a Super Bowl party are digesting nicely, thanks.)
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 10:29 PM on February 1, 2009

Yeah, fuck cows! Fuck them for being bred for ages by ranchers to be incredibly stupid and adept at amassing muscle. They deserve a grisly life and fate, surely. Calloo, callay, colon cancer.

There's a lot of stuff I think is stupid, but stupidity is not inherently appetizing. But hey, who knows. It takes all kinds. When I think about my time spent on the ranch, I do a bit relish the thought of going back and herding the shitassed snotfaces, but not eating them.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:08 PM on February 1, 2009

Flagged as more stupid fucking bacon shite.

I mean seriously? We're not over this meme yet? It's lasted at least twice as long as lolcats.
posted by tehloki at 11:11 PM on February 1, 2009

Allow me to personally thank you, Madame Ambrosia, for being part of a ranching facility and yet not consuming the cows therein. More for me, yummy! That "shitassed snotfaces" comment seriously made me laugh so hard, thank you for that. :)

Tehloki, I swear this will be the last bacon post I'll ever make. I'll let the n00bs suffer the "dead meme" beating from here on out.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:22 PM on February 1, 2009

Unicorn on the cob: My abuse isn't necessarily directed at you, but at a nebulous group of latecoming meme-flagellators that you may or may not belong to. Just think to yourself, "would this have the same entertainment value with $CURRENTLY_POPULAR_CONCEPT changed to something else?" Like, if this was a dude made out of celery, you'd look at it and think "yeah, so what, is this a middle school art project or something?"
posted by tehloki at 11:52 PM on February 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

We're not over this meme yet? It's lasted at least twice as long as lolcats.

Deep-fried bacon balls taste better than deep-fried cat. Just sayin'.
posted by logicpunk at 6:59 AM on February 2, 2009

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