Hilarious
April 3, 2009 5:28 AM Subscribe
Commando is the best film ever Director Mark Lester walks us through his Opus over at Screen Junkies.
Are we sure that his more recent masterwork Pterodactyl isn't the best film ever? It stars Coolio.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 5:39 AM on April 3, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 5:39 AM on April 3, 2009 [5 favorites]
On a Grade Eight band trip to Ottawa, we discovered our hotel room had the movie channel and we stayed up all night and watched Commando five times running, ping-ponging between stations so we could just keep watching it (and avoid Let's Get Harry and Blame It On Rio).
My tuba playing suffered for this, and I was definitely flat when blatting out a steady thrum of low Cs for Mars, the Bringer of War on the steps of Parliament Hill the next day. Mr. Reid was disappointed in us, particularly me and Sam Shewan, our first saxophone, who kept biting his reed while recalling the thrilling final battle with Bennett.
It was totally worth it.
The 13-year-old that still lives inside me agrees that Commando is the best film ever and is a bit sad to see that this is average Internet piss-taking and not a real coherent defense of what is pretty much the definitive Eighties Action Movie.
posted by Shepherd at 5:43 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
My tuba playing suffered for this, and I was definitely flat when blatting out a steady thrum of low Cs for Mars, the Bringer of War on the steps of Parliament Hill the next day. Mr. Reid was disappointed in us, particularly me and Sam Shewan, our first saxophone, who kept biting his reed while recalling the thrilling final battle with Bennett.
It was totally worth it.
The 13-year-old that still lives inside me agrees that Commando is the best film ever and is a bit sad to see that this is average Internet piss-taking and not a real coherent defense of what is pretty much the definitive Eighties Action Movie.
posted by Shepherd at 5:43 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
I disagree that Commando is his best film. I would vote for Pterodactyl, in which a rocket launcher wielding paleontologist shoots one of the titular creatures exclaiming "You need to be bones again!". Also Coolio dodges a bullet from 2 feet away.
posted by Midnight Rambler at 5:44 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by Midnight Rambler at 5:44 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
I don't know if it's just piss-taking. The glint + hug really is economy that really does transmit both killing machine and loving dad at the same time. That said:
“Why don’t they just call him Girl George?” This is something Arnold came up with on set, and it was such a perfect adjustment. It really won over the studio, who had originally given me notes to "not have Arnold speak" in the film.
lol
posted by DU at 5:46 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
“Why don’t they just call him Girl George?” This is something Arnold came up with on set, and it was such a perfect adjustment. It really won over the studio, who had originally given me notes to "not have Arnold speak" in the film.
lol
posted by DU at 5:46 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
> Are we sure that his more recent masterwork Pterodactyl isn't the best film ever? It stars Coolio.
Pshaw. Pterodactyl isn't even the best Coolio flick.
Okay, so he only has a cameo in it...it still counts!
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:48 AM on April 3, 2009
Pshaw. Pterodactyl isn't even the best Coolio flick.
Okay, so he only has a cameo in it...it still counts!
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:48 AM on April 3, 2009
"I had to let him go" is indeed the epitome of all one-liners. It really is. People should have stopped writing them after that. There's an argument they should have stopped writing them BEFORE that, but let's not be picky.
posted by unSane at 5:48 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by unSane at 5:48 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
This scene alone is a master class in screenwriting. I asked Oscar-winning scribe William Goldman to see if he could find any flaws in it, and he wouldn't even return my calls!
OK, mostly piss-taking. And spit-taking.
posted by DU at 5:50 AM on April 3, 2009
OK, mostly piss-taking. And spit-taking.
posted by DU at 5:50 AM on April 3, 2009
The trailer for Pterodactyl includes the claim that "The Birds Are Back" which is an inaccurate statement. Even if the narrator is claiming that this movie evokes the sense of terror and intrigue exemplified by Hitchcock's "The Birds", his claim would be better phrased "The Birds Is Back".
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 5:50 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 5:50 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
"Blow off some steam, Bennett" is no slouch, either.
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:51 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:51 AM on April 3, 2009
Heh. Can't finish reading. Too. Many. Lies.
posted by IvoShandor at 6:10 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by IvoShandor at 6:10 AM on April 3, 2009
I'm going to go ahead and comment before I read anything and say that Commando is absolutely the most awesome movie ever. I mean, HELLO, IT INCLUDES A VILLAIN WEARING A CHAIN-MAIL SHIRT!
posted by P.o.B. at 6:12 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by P.o.B. at 6:12 AM on April 3, 2009
I vote for "Stick around.", by way of Predator, as a much better one-liner.
posted by P.o.B. at 6:18 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by P.o.B. at 6:18 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
Working at a video store, (VHS and Beta! woo-hoo), we had Commando on all the time. I decided once to count all the people that we see Matrix kill.
I got up to 153.
Though I may have missed a few, what with all the explosions and stuff.
posted by jettloe at 6:19 AM on April 3, 2009
I got up to 153.
Though I may have missed a few, what with all the explosions and stuff.
posted by jettloe at 6:19 AM on April 3, 2009
Is this the one where Arnold says "Remember when I told you I'd kill you last? I lied."?
posted by spicynuts at 6:20 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by spicynuts at 6:20 AM on April 3, 2009
"Don't disturb my friend. He's dead tired."
That's gold, Jerry. Gold!
posted by gompa at 6:27 AM on April 3, 2009
That's gold, Jerry. Gold!
posted by gompa at 6:27 AM on April 3, 2009
My favourite quotes in the movie:
Arnold to Sully:
"I like you Sully. That's why I'll kill you last."
Arnold as he dangles Sully over a cliff:
A- "Remember when I said I'd kill you last?"
S- "Yeah, yeah!!" (all hopeful)
A- "I lied." (Drops Sully off Cliff)
Arnold returns to the car:
Girl- "What happened to Sully?"
A- "I let him go."
Girl- "That's nice."
Also, friend and I counted the bodies, in the first 90 minutes Arnold kills like 4 guys tops. At the end we stopped counting at 100 in the grande finale where guards literally spawn from the guardhouses.
Aaah. Me loves Commando.
posted by Vindaloo at 6:31 AM on April 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
Arnold to Sully:
"I like you Sully. That's why I'll kill you last."
Arnold as he dangles Sully over a cliff:
A- "Remember when I said I'd kill you last?"
S- "Yeah, yeah!!" (all hopeful)
A- "I lied." (Drops Sully off Cliff)
Arnold returns to the car:
Girl- "What happened to Sully?"
A- "I let him go."
Girl- "That's nice."
Also, friend and I counted the bodies, in the first 90 minutes Arnold kills like 4 guys tops. At the end we stopped counting at 100 in the grande finale where guards literally spawn from the guardhouses.
Aaah. Me loves Commando.
posted by Vindaloo at 6:31 AM on April 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
Let off some steam, Bennett.
posted by smoothvirus at 6:32 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by smoothvirus at 6:32 AM on April 3, 2009
When I was a kid, my father had this long-running battle with me. He hated that I liked horror films. All of those people getting killed. So, one night he put his VHS tape of Commando (he was the kind of guy who would buy this) on. I laid down in front of the TV and very carefully concealed what I was doing on a piece of paper, namely, making a little scratch mark for when someone died. And I was fairly stingy with counting something as a death.
When the credits rolled, I handed my father a tally. "Eighty-eight guys killed, Dad. Jason only did a dozen in this last film, and he's supposed to be the bad guy."
My dad and I did not see eye to eye on a lot of stuff.
posted by adipocere at 6:35 AM on April 3, 2009 [6 favorites]
When the credits rolled, I handed my father a tally. "Eighty-eight guys killed, Dad. Jason only did a dozen in this last film, and he's supposed to be the bad guy."
My dad and I did not see eye to eye on a lot of stuff.
posted by adipocere at 6:35 AM on April 3, 2009 [6 favorites]
you realize that this film wasn’t an accident, just like Jesus wasn't an accident.
That right there is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:44 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
That right there is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:44 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
Matrix: Don't break radio silence until they see me.
Cindy: How will I know?
Matrix: Because all fucking hell is going to break loose.
This line gave me goosebumps as a kid. Still does.
posted by orme at 6:48 AM on April 3, 2009
Cindy: How will I know?
Matrix: Because all fucking hell is going to break loose.
This line gave me goosebumps as a kid. Still does.
posted by orme at 6:48 AM on April 3, 2009
I also have a deep, non-ironic appreciation for Commando.
The article sucks, though.
posted by paisley henosis at 6:49 AM on April 3, 2009
The article sucks, though.
posted by paisley henosis at 6:49 AM on April 3, 2009
"I eat Green Berets for breakfast"
posted by paisley henosis at 6:49 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by paisley henosis at 6:49 AM on April 3, 2009
So much to love about that film... like apparently gun shops in American have missile launchers under the counter, well in a back room.
Because the UK had stupid censorship laws during the 80s we missed out on Arnie chopping a guys arm off... only found about that the other week. What a piece of awesome that was.
"Come on Bennett, throw away the chicken shit gun, you don't just want to pull the trigger, you want to put the knife in me, and look me in the eye, and see whats going on in there when you turn it, thats what you want to do, right?"
... what an acting masterclass.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:53 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
Because the UK had stupid censorship laws during the 80s we missed out on Arnie chopping a guys arm off... only found about that the other week. What a piece of awesome that was.
"Come on Bennett, throw away the chicken shit gun, you don't just want to pull the trigger, you want to put the knife in me, and look me in the eye, and see whats going on in there when you turn it, thats what you want to do, right?"
... what an acting masterclass.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:53 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
The article sucks, though.
But, but ... it's stuffed with golden gems of sweet sweet wisdom. Witness:
"This is an important motif in all good action movies: just because the hero says something earlier doesn’t mean he has to do it later. That makes things unpredictable, which keeps your audience on edge. Also, killing an antagonist without remorse is perfectly acceptable as long as you have the antagonist offer an unwanted handjob to the leading lady a few scenes prior....In my book, that’s just one less dirtbag trolling the streets for handjobs."
posted by mannequito at 6:56 AM on April 3, 2009
But, but ... it's stuffed with golden gems of sweet sweet wisdom. Witness:
"This is an important motif in all good action movies: just because the hero says something earlier doesn’t mean he has to do it later. That makes things unpredictable, which keeps your audience on edge. Also, killing an antagonist without remorse is perfectly acceptable as long as you have the antagonist offer an unwanted handjob to the leading lady a few scenes prior....In my book, that’s just one less dirtbag trolling the streets for handjobs."
posted by mannequito at 6:56 AM on April 3, 2009
This is great! I totally forgot Bill Paxton was in that movie. That dude has a part of almost every major hit in the 80's.
posted by P.o.B. at 6:58 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by P.o.B. at 6:58 AM on April 3, 2009
Mike Nelson needs to read this article as "directors commentary" for his next Riff-Trax.
posted by butterstick at 6:59 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by butterstick at 6:59 AM on April 3, 2009
This seems as good a place as any to point out that Rae Dawn Chong was staggeringly gorgeous in that movie.
If I were a Tex Avery character, when seeing her in this film, I would repeatedly jerk my panting tongue a few feet out of my mouth, causing my ears to clap together at the top of my head.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:19 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
If I were a Tex Avery character, when seeing her in this film, I would repeatedly jerk my panting tongue a few feet out of my mouth, causing my ears to clap together at the top of my head.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:19 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
Vernon Wells, who plays Bennett, was also the Mohawk-coiffed skag in Road Warrior, which leaves me torn as to which is his greatest villainous performance.
posted by steef at 7:21 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by steef at 7:21 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
From Vernon Wells' (Bennett) IMDB page:
Refers to "Captain Bennett," his Commando (1985) character, as "Freddie Mercury on steroids."
So spot on.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:23 AM on April 3, 2009 [4 favorites]
Refers to "Captain Bennett," his Commando (1985) character, as "Freddie Mercury on steroids."
So spot on.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:23 AM on April 3, 2009 [4 favorites]
We see how much Matrix cares about Jenny because he lets her smash ice cream into his face.
Heh.
I enjoy Commando and everything related to it far, far too much.
posted by slimepuppy at 7:24 AM on April 3, 2009
Heh.
I enjoy Commando and everything related to it far, far too much.
posted by slimepuppy at 7:24 AM on April 3, 2009
I don't understand why Commando is not universally regaled as Schwarzenegger's best movie and the gift to humanity that it is.
posted by Krrrlson at 7:24 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by Krrrlson at 7:24 AM on April 3, 2009
The fact that they are having sex is because this is a roadside motel, and that’s what people do at roadside motels. (Don’t ask me how I know that, LOL!)
I never thought anything could make Commando better than it already was, but this article somehow elevates the cinematic masterpiece to a whole new plane of TOTALLY AWESOME.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 7:27 AM on April 3, 2009
I never thought anything could make Commando better than it already was, but this article somehow elevates the cinematic masterpiece to a whole new plane of TOTALLY AWESOME.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 7:27 AM on April 3, 2009
Pshaw. Pterodactyl isn't even the best Coolio flick.
The greatest film Coolio ever made is without a doubt Dracula 3000. Coolio plays a space pothead who has the unlikely and unfortunate idea to open up the coffins in the mysterious space ship from Transylvania Station in the Carpathian Galaxy, in hopes of finding weed. He spends most of the rest of the movie as a vampire running around the ship while trying (and failing) to look scary. To cap it off, Dracula 3000 also features the single dumbest ending in the history of bad movies (as seen here).
posted by burnmp3s at 7:28 AM on April 3, 2009
The greatest film Coolio ever made is without a doubt Dracula 3000. Coolio plays a space pothead who has the unlikely and unfortunate idea to open up the coffins in the mysterious space ship from Transylvania Station in the Carpathian Galaxy, in hopes of finding weed. He spends most of the rest of the movie as a vampire running around the ship while trying (and failing) to look scary. To cap it off, Dracula 3000 also features the single dumbest ending in the history of bad movies (as seen here).
posted by burnmp3s at 7:28 AM on April 3, 2009
it's good to know that I wasn't the only strange child who counted the number of people Matrix killed in this movie.
posted by xbonesgt at 7:30 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by xbonesgt at 7:30 AM on April 3, 2009
Oh yeah, hey wasn't there a part in Hot Shots Deux where Charlie Sheen is mowing people down with a machine gun, and the gag is the little body counter in the corner of the screen? I think as it runs up, it dings everytime it passes the body count of another movie, and Commando was one of them.
posted by mannequito at 7:38 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by mannequito at 7:38 AM on April 3, 2009
I feel I would be doing an injustice in not telling one of the all time best one-liners that nobody really knows about. It happens in a little movie called American Ninja 2 (I'm pretty sure it was 2...). During an intense fight scene, it just so happens there is a ninja dogpile on the sidekick protagonist. How do you breakout of a ninja dogpile, you ask? You yell "It's a party!" as all the ninjas are tossed aside and you hit a double biceps "Roar" pose. Now that is how you deliver a line.
posted by P.o.B. at 7:52 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by P.o.B. at 7:52 AM on April 3, 2009
The greatest film Coolio ever made is without a doubt Dracula 3000
This is true, for all of the reasons you listed but also because Coolio's only memorable line is when he tells a fellow female astronaut that he would love to "ejaculate on her gozangas." I remember this because we watched it during a game of 1000 Blank White Cards.
posted by Zaximus at 7:53 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
This is true, for all of the reasons you listed but also because Coolio's only memorable line is when he tells a fellow female astronaut that he would love to "ejaculate on her gozangas." I remember this because we watched it during a game of 1000 Blank White Cards.
posted by Zaximus at 7:53 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
CHENNY!
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:54 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:54 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
he tells a fellow female astronaut
I am now imagining Coolio as a female astronaut. It isn't pretty.
posted by ninebelow at 7:58 AM on April 3, 2009
I am now imagining Coolio as a female astronaut. It isn't pretty.
posted by ninebelow at 7:58 AM on April 3, 2009
Commando really perfected the art of showing Schwarzenegger casually firing a gun in one shot followed by a separate shot of bunch of soldiers kind of jiggling and falling down.
There's a double genius in that technique. It's brilliantly concise, and it evokes a disassociation that conveys John Matrix's wish to stop killing - the urge of a perfect weapon to forsake its purpose. The true climax of the movie isn't the fight with Bennett, but rather the scene where General Kirby twice tempts Matrix to return to slaughter, and twice Matrix refuses. He will not become a monster like Bennett, but, with Rae Dawn Chong and Alyssa Milano at his side, he will once again be just a man. We fight for love, per Andy Taylor...and for no other reason.
posted by Iridic at 8:15 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
There's a double genius in that technique. It's brilliantly concise, and it evokes a disassociation that conveys John Matrix's wish to stop killing - the urge of a perfect weapon to forsake its purpose. The true climax of the movie isn't the fight with Bennett, but rather the scene where General Kirby twice tempts Matrix to return to slaughter, and twice Matrix refuses. He will not become a monster like Bennett, but, with Rae Dawn Chong and Alyssa Milano at his side, he will once again be just a man. We fight for love, per Andy Taylor...and for no other reason.
posted by Iridic at 8:15 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
Sounds like the same music from Red Heat, or 48 hours. And, Raw Deal was a crazy movie too.
posted by Flex1970 at 8:21 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by Flex1970 at 8:21 AM on April 3, 2009
Commando is pure and good and does not deserve a 3-page piss-take.
posted by autodidact at 8:24 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by autodidact at 8:24 AM on April 3, 2009
Working at a video store, (VHS and Beta! woo-hoo), we had Commando on all the time. I decided once to count all the people that we see Matrix kill.
Here's an annotated video: Commando Kill Count
posted by mrbill at 8:32 AM on April 3, 2009
Here's an annotated video: Commando Kill Count
posted by mrbill at 8:32 AM on April 3, 2009
Commando - Arnold Schwarzenegger tribute
That bit at 3:10 when he's getting tooled up... remember we rewound that 3 times the first time I watched it with my mates.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 9:49 AM on April 3, 2009
That bit at 3:10 when he's getting tooled up... remember we rewound that 3 times the first time I watched it with my mates.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 9:49 AM on April 3, 2009
From Esquire's 1998 Dubious Achievement Awards:
YEAH, YEAH, COOLIO
After he was arrested for driving his Hummer on the wrong side of the street in Los Angeles, rapper Coolio said, "I didn't want my kids to have to cross the street."
ENOUGH EXCUSES, MAN
When his license was found to have expired, Coolio explained, "I've been out of town. I was in Egypt."
OH, ER . . . WELL... OKAY
When marijuana was found in his car, Coolio explained, "I have friends who have prescriptions for it."
MUST THIS POOR, DECENT MAN EXPLAIN HIS EVERY MOVE?
When he was found to be carrying a concealed weapon, Coolio explained, "I go to shoot on Tuesday, so the gun's right here."
posted by box at 9:56 AM on April 3, 2009
YEAH, YEAH, COOLIO
After he was arrested for driving his Hummer on the wrong side of the street in Los Angeles, rapper Coolio said, "I didn't want my kids to have to cross the street."
ENOUGH EXCUSES, MAN
When his license was found to have expired, Coolio explained, "I've been out of town. I was in Egypt."
OH, ER . . . WELL... OKAY
When marijuana was found in his car, Coolio explained, "I have friends who have prescriptions for it."
MUST THIS POOR, DECENT MAN EXPLAIN HIS EVERY MOVE?
When he was found to be carrying a concealed weapon, Coolio explained, "I go to shoot on Tuesday, so the gun's right here."
posted by box at 9:56 AM on April 3, 2009
"When Matrix says, 'Let’s party,' Bennett knows that he doesn’t mean the kind of party with hats and cake, or the other kind of partying that was done a lot in the 80s up people’s noses. No, this is a party of two, and the party is over when the other person dies."
That is completely awesome.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 10:27 AM on April 3, 2009
That is completely awesome.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 10:27 AM on April 3, 2009
Man, this made me want to watch this movie again. I haven't seen it since the theaters. Inexplicably, however, Netflix appears to have Commando on Blu-Ray but not on DVD.
What
The
Fuck
Netflix.
posted by dersins at 10:36 AM on April 3, 2009
What
The
Fuck
Netflix.
posted by dersins at 10:36 AM on April 3, 2009
What really blew my 12 year old mind was when my brother and I figured out that Bennett was also the mowhawked motorcycle dude from Road Warrior. Two great tastes that taste great together!
posted by Asbestos McPinto at 10:48 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by Asbestos McPinto at 10:48 AM on April 3, 2009
How has nobody mentioned that Commando was written by Jeph Loeb?
posted by Amanojaku at 11:02 AM on April 3, 2009
posted by Amanojaku at 11:02 AM on April 3, 2009
Raw Deal was a crazy movie too.
"You shouldn't drink and bake."
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:05 AM on April 3, 2009
"You shouldn't drink and bake."
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:05 AM on April 3, 2009
How has nobody mentioned that Commando was written by Jeph Loeb
IMDB says he has a story credit, but the screenplay was by someone else.
Still. His involvement is an extra layer of awesome in an already dangerously tasty cake.
posted by sparkletone at 12:06 PM on April 3, 2009
IMDB says he has a story credit, but the screenplay was by someone else.
Still. His involvement is an extra layer of awesome in an already dangerously tasty cake.
posted by sparkletone at 12:06 PM on April 3, 2009
A part of me is wishing that this was written by the real director and does not want to find out otherwise. F'ing brilliant!
Don't actually think I've sitten down and watched Commando; def. gonna have to now.
Was watching some craptastic Western with Michael Dudikoff (Dudikoff!!) the other day. One of the scenes has Dudikoff's character shooting down one of the bad guys. As the dude is bleeding out and asks Dudikoff if he's going to kill him, Dudikoff (Dudikoff!) says "I'm not going to kill you". "You killed yourself"
That movie is also notable for Randy Travis's bad guy role and the fact that he doesn't shut the fuck up until Dudikoff puts a bullet in his heart.
posted by daHIFI at 12:08 PM on April 3, 2009
Don't actually think I've sitten down and watched Commando; def. gonna have to now.
Was watching some craptastic Western with Michael Dudikoff (Dudikoff!!) the other day. One of the scenes has Dudikoff's character shooting down one of the bad guys. As the dude is bleeding out and asks Dudikoff if he's going to kill him, Dudikoff (Dudikoff!) says "I'm not going to kill you". "You killed yourself"
That movie is also notable for Randy Travis's bad guy role and the fact that he doesn't shut the fuck up until Dudikoff puts a bullet in his heart.
posted by daHIFI at 12:08 PM on April 3, 2009
Is this some alternate universe where Predator never got made?
posted by stinkycheese at 12:16 PM on April 3, 2009
posted by stinkycheese at 12:16 PM on April 3, 2009
Smoke blows in the wind,
A gaggle of bad asses,
Step off the chopper.
Ah-nold & Dillon,
A testosterone battle,
But who will prevail?
Flying through the air,
Hawkins and Blaine have a chat,
Watch out for crap jokes!
Hawkins has a girl,
With a gigantic pussy,
So big it echoes.
Blaine is a goddamn,
Sexual Tyrannosaurus,
Chewing tobacco.
Landing in Jungle,
They find some skinny dead guys.
Well, skinned actually.
On the rebel trail,
Hunting for brown skinned men,
To kill in cold blood.
Oh! Goody gum-drops,
A whole camp full of brown folks,
Dutch gets a hard on.
KABLOOEY brown folk!
The terrifying slaughter,
Begins with a bang.
Penis substitutes?
You betcha! By the dozen,
It's hardcore gun porn.
Blaine has a gatling,
Ejaculating bullets,
Jizzing them to death.
Dutch throws a big knife,
Impaling one guy with it,
Making a sh*t joke.
This film is so gay!
Homoeroticism,
With big sweaty men.
All the brown people lay dead,
Congratulations Shaeffer,
You racist w*nker.
Yay! A prisoner,
But this one is a female,
Talking in Spanish.
Invisible thing,
Watching Mac being insane.
W*nking in fishnets.
Bizarre alien,
A see-through transsexual,
With v*gina face.
Bird does a runner,
Hawkins gives chase, but then;
CHOP! A spray of blood.
Arterial gush,
It's like a Jackson Pollock,
With haemoglobin.
Like a trophy wife,
Only decapitated.
And skinned like a bitch.
Like an old lady,
Billy, Native American,
Cries about his death.
Blaine's chest bursts apart,
A big blue laser death-worm,
Wriggles through the hole.
Mac has lost it now,
Crying like a big baby,
and shooting his gun.
Along comes the team,
Spunking leaden death into,
Jungle canopy.
Watch the Western world,
Waste the finite resources,
From our Mother Earth.
Luminous space jizz,
Wiped off on a random leaf,
What's wrong with a sock?
Dutch sets up a camp.
And by camp I mean that it,
is totally gay.
OH NOES! Boar attack!
Mac stabs the beastie to death,
Making crazy talk.
Blaine's body is gone,
The space rastafarian,
Nicked it in the night.
It's round about time,
For the black actors to die.
Racist Hollywood!
Mac shaves his clean face,
Incoherent mumbling,
What a mentalist!
Dillon cannot clap,
The Predator took his hand,
And not in marriage!
Using his laser,
And then a big pair of spikes,
Dillon is no more.
Watch three laser dots,
Track across Mac the loony,
He's gonna die now.
And apparently that's as far as I got with Predator as Haiku when I was bored at work one day...
Doing Commando would be pretty easy -
Elbowed in the face,
"Please do not disturb my friend,
He is dead tired".
"Remember Sully,
When I said I'd kill you last?"
"Yes I Do!" "I lied"
Eating Green Beret,
Smashing up the motel room,
Goodbye deposit!
They captured Arnie!
What's in the back of the car?
A missile launcher!
You fired it backwards!
Point it the other way love,
Whoosh! BOOM! That's better.
Using an Uzi,
One-handed on the airplane,
Ker-splash goes the jeep.
Now he is naked,
Paddling in the dinghy,
Arnie cannot row.
Stabbed with a big pipe,
Now "Let off some steam Bennett",
In your chainmail vest.
posted by longbaugh at 12:52 PM on April 3, 2009 [4 favorites]
A gaggle of bad asses,
Step off the chopper.
Ah-nold & Dillon,
A testosterone battle,
But who will prevail?
Flying through the air,
Hawkins and Blaine have a chat,
Watch out for crap jokes!
Hawkins has a girl,
With a gigantic pussy,
So big it echoes.
Blaine is a goddamn,
Sexual Tyrannosaurus,
Chewing tobacco.
Landing in Jungle,
They find some skinny dead guys.
Well, skinned actually.
On the rebel trail,
Hunting for brown skinned men,
To kill in cold blood.
Oh! Goody gum-drops,
A whole camp full of brown folks,
Dutch gets a hard on.
KABLOOEY brown folk!
The terrifying slaughter,
Begins with a bang.
Penis substitutes?
You betcha! By the dozen,
It's hardcore gun porn.
Blaine has a gatling,
Ejaculating bullets,
Jizzing them to death.
Dutch throws a big knife,
Impaling one guy with it,
Making a sh*t joke.
This film is so gay!
Homoeroticism,
With big sweaty men.
All the brown people lay dead,
Congratulations Shaeffer,
You racist w*nker.
Yay! A prisoner,
But this one is a female,
Talking in Spanish.
Invisible thing,
Watching Mac being insane.
W*nking in fishnets.
Bizarre alien,
A see-through transsexual,
With v*gina face.
Bird does a runner,
Hawkins gives chase, but then;
CHOP! A spray of blood.
Arterial gush,
It's like a Jackson Pollock,
With haemoglobin.
Like a trophy wife,
Only decapitated.
And skinned like a bitch.
Like an old lady,
Billy, Native American,
Cries about his death.
Blaine's chest bursts apart,
A big blue laser death-worm,
Wriggles through the hole.
Mac has lost it now,
Crying like a big baby,
and shooting his gun.
Along comes the team,
Spunking leaden death into,
Jungle canopy.
Watch the Western world,
Waste the finite resources,
From our Mother Earth.
Luminous space jizz,
Wiped off on a random leaf,
What's wrong with a sock?
Dutch sets up a camp.
And by camp I mean that it,
is totally gay.
OH NOES! Boar attack!
Mac stabs the beastie to death,
Making crazy talk.
Blaine's body is gone,
The space rastafarian,
Nicked it in the night.
It's round about time,
For the black actors to die.
Racist Hollywood!
Mac shaves his clean face,
Incoherent mumbling,
What a mentalist!
Dillon cannot clap,
The Predator took his hand,
And not in marriage!
Using his laser,
And then a big pair of spikes,
Dillon is no more.
Watch three laser dots,
Track across Mac the loony,
He's gonna die now.
And apparently that's as far as I got with Predator as Haiku when I was bored at work one day...
Doing Commando would be pretty easy -
Elbowed in the face,
"Please do not disturb my friend,
He is dead tired".
"Remember Sully,
When I said I'd kill you last?"
"Yes I Do!" "I lied"
Eating Green Beret,
Smashing up the motel room,
Goodbye deposit!
They captured Arnie!
What's in the back of the car?
A missile launcher!
You fired it backwards!
Point it the other way love,
Whoosh! BOOM! That's better.
Using an Uzi,
One-handed on the airplane,
Ker-splash goes the jeep.
Now he is naked,
Paddling in the dinghy,
Arnie cannot row.
Stabbed with a big pipe,
Now "Let off some steam Bennett",
In your chainmail vest.
posted by longbaugh at 12:52 PM on April 3, 2009 [4 favorites]
Okay, I read it. So...is this real? Because it's 1,000 times more awesome if it's actually real, but if it isn't I might die a little from the sadness.
posted by graventy at 2:15 PM on April 3, 2009
posted by graventy at 2:15 PM on April 3, 2009
graventy - No one can explain The Matrix, you have to see him for yourself.
posted by Artw at 2:21 PM on April 3, 2009
posted by Artw at 2:21 PM on April 3, 2009
Well, obviously the movie is real, Artw. I think graventy was referring to whether the article was actually written by the director.
Or maybe you knew that and my tiny, irony-deficient American brain couldn't parse your comment correctly...
posted by dersins at 2:26 PM on April 3, 2009
Or maybe you knew that and my tiny, irony-deficient American brain couldn't parse your comment correctly...
posted by dersins at 2:26 PM on April 3, 2009
I know Commando affected me deeply as a kid, because I've had conversations with my wife where I've unintentionally channeled Matrix.
Me: I'm going into the gas station, do you want me to get you anything?
Her: Nah, I'll just wait here.
Me: Well, keep an eye out and the car running.
Her: What? Why?
Me: Because I'm going in there, and if they don't have my candy-bar... [pause to make eye-contact and look stern] all fucking hell is going to break loose.
Her: You really are an idiot, you know that?
posted by quin at 3:20 PM on April 3, 2009 [5 favorites]
Me: I'm going into the gas station, do you want me to get you anything?
Her: Nah, I'll just wait here.
Me: Well, keep an eye out and the car running.
Her: What? Why?
Me: Because I'm going in there, and if they don't have my candy-bar... [pause to make eye-contact and look stern] all fucking hell is going to break loose.
Her: You really are an idiot, you know that?
posted by quin at 3:20 PM on April 3, 2009 [5 favorites]
Also: did anyone else secretly hope that Arnold's characters wife had been named Dot? As a kid I always found that idea really funny.
posted by quin at 3:21 PM on April 3, 2009
posted by quin at 3:21 PM on April 3, 2009
Until the Bourne series redefined (refined?) my expectations for big budget action films, my touchstones were always 48 Hours, Lethal Weapon, Predator, Die Hard and Commando. The 1980s were a great time for high cheese, absurd action films.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:53 PM on April 3, 2009
posted by eyeballkid at 3:53 PM on April 3, 2009
The thing I loved about Commando is that it seemed to be taking the piss out of itself. "I eat Green Berets for breakfast" is followed by "I can't believe I'm hearing this macho bullshit."
posted by rodgerd at 6:31 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by rodgerd at 6:31 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
Ah. Gold:
"With lesser actors, this scene could have turned into a disaster. But watching these three peers parry words under the hot lights of the set was nothing short of inspirational. It’s like watching Gielgud, Barrymore and Olivier walking that tightrope of the Shakespearian stage, and never faltering"
posted by filmgeek at 6:51 PM on April 3, 2009
"With lesser actors, this scene could have turned into a disaster. But watching these three peers parry words under the hot lights of the set was nothing short of inspirational. It’s like watching Gielgud, Barrymore and Olivier walking that tightrope of the Shakespearian stage, and never faltering"
posted by filmgeek at 6:51 PM on April 3, 2009
"I eat Green Berets for breakfast" is followed by "I can't believe I'm hearing this macho bullshit."
I can't quite pin down the timelines, but Hong Kong cinema had tons of cheesy action(/comedy) movies - lots of them involving cops about the same time. Most of them are/ended-up-being self mocking. Perhaps the whole 'not taking yourself seriously' is a byproduct of producers having spent too much of the '80's being coked up to the gills and were just getting tired (and switching to marijuana to ease the comedown)?
posted by porpoise at 9:25 PM on April 3, 2009
I can't quite pin down the timelines, but Hong Kong cinema had tons of cheesy action(/comedy) movies - lots of them involving cops about the same time. Most of them are/ended-up-being self mocking. Perhaps the whole 'not taking yourself seriously' is a byproduct of producers having spent too much of the '80's being coked up to the gills and were just getting tired (and switching to marijuana to ease the comedown)?
posted by porpoise at 9:25 PM on April 3, 2009
i can't believe it but this thread is actually making me consider possibly renting 'commando'
posted by jcruelty at 10:35 PM on April 3, 2009
posted by jcruelty at 10:35 PM on April 3, 2009
it's not available on netflix! what is it some obscure art flick?!
posted by jcruelty at 10:36 PM on April 3, 2009
posted by jcruelty at 10:36 PM on April 3, 2009
Jesus Fucking Christ. It's not on Netflix, except on Blu-Ray, which I just got rid of because of extortionist fees.
Did you know that it's not on DVD Netflix?! I am probably the first or possibly the sixth or seventh to mention this! How the fucks is this?!
Jesus Fucking Christ. Jesus Hermitian Fucking Christ.
Why do human beings cause other human beings such suffering? I hate all that is everything. In every way.
posted by dirigibleman at 11:33 PM on April 3, 2009
Did you know that it's not on DVD Netflix?! I am probably the first or possibly the sixth or seventh to mention this! How the fucks is this?!
Jesus Fucking Christ. Jesus Hermitian Fucking Christ.
Why do human beings cause other human beings such suffering? I hate all that is everything. In every way.
posted by dirigibleman at 11:33 PM on April 3, 2009
How has nobody mentioned that Commando was written by Jeph Loeb?
---
IMDB says he has a story credit, but the screenplay was by someone else.
Still. His involvement is an extra layer of awesome in an already dangerously tasty cake.
I saw the name in the credits Joseph Loeb III and thought "I wonder if that's Jeph's dad." Whoops.
With the screenplay credit thing, however, this is due to the odd WGA rules regarding credits: An original writer must contribute at least one-third of the final screenplay to receive credit. If subsequent writers labor on an original screenplay as script doctors, they must contribute more than half of the final screenplay to receive credit. If a production executive works on a script, he or she also must contribute at least half the final product to receive credit [WGA Screen Credits Manual Section III.C.3].
posted by Sparx at 2:19 AM on April 4, 2009
---
IMDB says he has a story credit, but the screenplay was by someone else.
Still. His involvement is an extra layer of awesome in an already dangerously tasty cake.
I saw the name in the credits Joseph Loeb III and thought "I wonder if that's Jeph's dad." Whoops.
With the screenplay credit thing, however, this is due to the odd WGA rules regarding credits: An original writer must contribute at least one-third of the final screenplay to receive credit. If subsequent writers labor on an original screenplay as script doctors, they must contribute more than half of the final screenplay to receive credit. If a production executive works on a script, he or she also must contribute at least half the final product to receive credit [WGA Screen Credits Manual Section III.C.3].
posted by Sparx at 2:19 AM on April 4, 2009
Man, I'm re-reading the memorable quotes, and I'd forgotten how incredibly homo-erotic the thing is:
"When I found out I could get my hands on you, I said I'd do it for nothing. "
"John, I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes. I'm going to shoot you between the balls. "
"They make me laugh. If Matrix was here, he'd laugh too. "
"Ever since you had me thrown out of your unit, I've waited to pay you back. "
"you want to put the knife in me, and look me in the eye, and see whats going on in there when you turn it, thats what you want to do, right?"
Bennet is just angry John didn't want him.
posted by rodgerd at 5:26 PM on April 4, 2009
"When I found out I could get my hands on you, I said I'd do it for nothing. "
"John, I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes. I'm going to shoot you between the balls. "
"They make me laugh. If Matrix was here, he'd laugh too. "
"Ever since you had me thrown out of your unit, I've waited to pay you back. "
"you want to put the knife in me, and look me in the eye, and see whats going on in there when you turn it, thats what you want to do, right?"
Bennet is just angry John didn't want him.
posted by rodgerd at 5:26 PM on April 4, 2009
I'd forgotten how incredibly homo-erotic the thing is:
See also the walking around shirtless with the log bit...
Of course they were more innocent times when Freddie Mercury and that bloke from Judas Priest were merely just a bit flamboyant.
So being an Arnie fan back then was not gay. At all. (Not there's anything wrong with that.)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:46 AM on April 5, 2009
See also the walking around shirtless with the log bit...
Of course they were more innocent times when Freddie Mercury and that bloke from Judas Priest were merely just a bit flamboyant.
So being an Arnie fan back then was not gay. At all. (Not there's anything wrong with that.)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:46 AM on April 5, 2009
And now I've actually got around to reading/watching the whole thing...
I can't believe I totally forget the bit at the end of the big final fight were Bennet gets knocked back onto this power-grid thing and he's being fried and everything and you think it's all over, that that was the kill, when suddenly he just sort bounces back off it and, without a pause, carries on fighting harder than before, like he's been recharged or something. It was like one of the key moments of 80s film for me... if not the 80s full stop.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:06 AM on April 5, 2009
I can't believe I totally forget the bit at the end of the big final fight were Bennet gets knocked back onto this power-grid thing and he's being fried and everything and you think it's all over, that that was the kill, when suddenly he just sort bounces back off it and, without a pause, carries on fighting harder than before, like he's been recharged or something. It was like one of the key moments of 80s film for me... if not the 80s full stop.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:06 AM on April 5, 2009
Wasn't Homo-Eroticism invented in the early 90s for that Vampire movie?
posted by Artw at 7:11 AM on April 5, 2009
posted by Artw at 7:11 AM on April 5, 2009
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posted by nicolas léonard sadi carnot at 5:37 AM on April 3, 2009